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Original poster

How do you date a guy that earns a lot more than you but you like to go dutch but can't keep up?

258 replies

mummytippy · 05/12/2019 14:37

So I started seeing a guy at the end of Sept... we went out for drinks, then a couple of meals... but my income means I can't go out as much as he'd like to because I'm on a very tight budget. I have a 13 yo and he has an 8 yo. He earns approx 4 times more than me (not his fault and I don't resent this). Because of my money situ, I suggested I cook a meal. I didn't say I'm on cruddy wages/with high outgoings, namely my rent, I just said I've had a lot to pay out recently so do you fancy coming to mine for a meal this time. In return he then cooked at his place/got a take away, I bought the wine. Problem I have now is we seem to be staying in all the time. He'll suggest cooking at mine mostly as his dc lives mainly with mum and I don't like to leave my 13 yo.
Also, the other day he said he was going to re-join the gym (turns out same gym I'm at) so I asked him to mention my name (free month for the referral worth £19 and I would have bought him a drink). When I asked him if he'd joined he said yes, but he was sorry he'd done a black Friday deal instead of mentioning my name... 2 months free... obv a better deal but he'd see me right. I don't like to admit this but it really annoyed me! Tomorrow he's suggested us going out and I as usual I have no money. Thoughts and ideas welcome to try and set some sort of way forward for us before we just stay in all the time as we've been out for 2 meals so far and 3 lots of drinks in 2 months. He's also stayed at mine with his dc and we've stayed in and done done pizza night etc. Last weekend he was away in Spain on a lads weekend which was arranged after we'd been dating about a month... he bought me a bottle of Baileys in Duty Free. I just feel like we've skipped dating and I'm not being wooed... how do I say something? Any thoughts welcome. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummytippy · 06/12/2019 13:55

Readit, I’d have been leaving him at home for a couple of hours to go Xmas Market which I don’t like to do. He’s 13 and very mature for his age but I’d rather not leave him. I’ve only ever left him on a handful of occasions.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummytippy · 06/12/2019 13:58

I’d like to add that my ex hasn’t been having our ds for contact EOW recently which was the main reason I’ve let him stay home alone and why then the children met. Just feel can’t do right for wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummytippy · 06/12/2019 14:02

Sunshine you seem to have worked things great timeline wise with your children. All I can do now is pull back and have an honest chat about money for dates and see what he feels is fair.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 06/12/2019 14:16

Honestly you're all over the place here. You want to go Out. But don't want to leave your son. You can't really afford even a take away for you and your kid. You want to go Dutch apparently

What is it you wish him to do here op? What can he suggest other than someplace free like a Xmas market for uou to go to? What suggestions have you made? Where it costs little and can be done in two hours, there and back?

Because it's really hard for any one to understand. It really does read like you want him to take you out and pay for you. You say this isn't the case. Fine. Then what do you wish him to go out and do with you as a date that you can afford?

Bluntness100 · 06/12/2019 14:19

All I can do now is pull back and have an honest chat about money for dates and see what he feels is fair

What does this mean exactly? Because it reads like you want to know if it is fair for him to pay your share. But you maintain you want to go half, so whatis it you're asking him is fair?

Tessaraqt · 06/12/2019 14:58

OP, listen to yourself "I’d rather not leave him. I’ve only ever left him on a handful of occasions". That's fine, but then you can't say you expect your bf to take you out? It's contradictory.

So have a takeaway at yours. Finance wise, I would expect to feed your son too, and to split it 50/50. If he suggested 33/66, I'd definitely think he was tight and that would be a red flag for me.

lisag1969 · 06/12/2019 15:01

Tell him the truth, you really like him and would like to go out more but you cannot afford it explain you have the children to support ect. Maybe he will take you out and pay sometimes. Maybe he pays 3 times a and you pay once.

lisag1969 · 06/12/2019 15:04

You have to tell him. I love going out but can't afford it. I'm sure he brought his mates some drinks on holiday. He should do the same for you.

RantyAnty · 06/12/2019 15:28

In the effort to be fair, independent, and 50/50, you're screwing yourself over. Spending money you don't have.

Has he ever offered to pay for a meal? I imagine he knows you don't make much as he knows what you do for a living.

I feel you need to be honest with him as you haven't about this.

Harriedharriet · 06/12/2019 15:30

My read is that the OP is picking up on a subtle lack of generosity in this guy. The gym thing highlights that. He could have been generous re the month for her. Likewise, the Irish Cream seems nice on the surface but also is a little ....thoughtless?
When money is tight the amount of thinking that goes into the simplest of decisions is exhausting. It would be nice for the OP to have someone who can read her situation and be sensitive/a little generous. Be observant after your conversation with him OP. This may well be less about than you think.

Original poster
mummytippy · 06/12/2019 17:07

Thanks Lisa

Yes, I’m going to tell him over this weekend. It’s just broaching the subject, and how to.
I wish I’d said when he asked about the Xmas Market earlier in the week as I can’t afford to go aside from having to leave my son.

OP posts:
AutumnConker · 06/12/2019 17:19

It can be a bit awkward this one OP.

Here is my view in the early stages of relationship.

  1. Offer to pay as much as you can (but nothing over the top of course). If you really like him you would probably do this. If you expect him to pay it probably means you're not totally enamoured!
  2. Hope he digs into his pocket at times he wants to spend more at expensive places.
  3. If he wants to go and you can't afford, just say so (as you are going to do).
  4. Most of all, just observe the relationship generally.

The thing is if you really like each other, you will both make it work. It does sound he is being possibly less than generous, but also that you are feeling he should pay. Does the relationship match in other ways in the question. No comment on the gym thing - just didn't get what the issue was for anybody.

Original poster
mummytippy · 06/12/2019 17:19

Hi Ranty

Thanks for your comment. When we went out with friends and the bill was to be split4 ways... I said I’d ping him the money and he said okay... or me to get the next one. I hate owing anyone. Then he said he’d see me right after the gym referral wasn’t done as discussed and I said oh okay... Mr I’m alright Jack! I can’t afford to keep doing what I’m doing. If it were me I’d have said... right what are we doing next as I didn’t refer you at the gym... but no, the Xmas Market suggestion and takeaway vague so unless I say something It’ll be 50:50 again which is fair in my eyes but at same time stressing me out as don’t want to end up in a financial mess. It’s like having a credit card you know you can’t pay (which I don’t!).
I understand it’s not his fault he earns more... same as my wage doesn’t allow me a lot of disposable income.

OP posts:
MixedPears · 06/12/2019 17:23

He should also have some sensitivity around OP's obvious lack of disposable income though. Which may mean he is cautious or mean, its hard to know. But the OP will soon find out I'm sure.

Treesthemovie · 06/12/2019 17:24

If you're as vague about what you want with him in person as you are on here, you can't really blame him . What is the issue, that you want him to pay more or that you want him to take you out? Or something else? You just said you didn't want either of those things because of your son etc.

readitandwept · 06/12/2019 17:29

Also, the other day he said he was going to re-join the gym (turns out same gym I'm at) so I asked him to mention my name (free month for the referral worth £19 and I would have bought him a drink).

I actually think this was poor from you. You put him in a position by asking him to get a deal for you, before he knew there was actually a good deal for him.

He owes you nothing there.

fedup21 · 06/12/2019 17:32

Also, the other day he said he was going to re-join the gym (turns out same gym I'm at) so I asked him to mention my name (free month for the referral worth £19 and I would have bought him a drink). When I asked him if he'd joined he said yes, but he was sorry he'd done a black Friday deal instead of mentioning my name...2 months free.

I can completely see why he’d do that deal tbh.

billy1966 · 06/12/2019 17:51

@Harriedharriet

I think You have nailed it.
So many stories on here of very cute men, spending a lot of time at the girlfriends, and costing them.

He certainly doesn't sound generous or sensitive to the OP.
Or maybe he's choosing to be obtuse.

I can't bare meanness in a person particularly as I am a generous person.

I've never given it a second chance.

I think you should spell it out if you are that interested.

Why shouldn't he spot you dinner and you cook a meal.
That is exactly what a nice guy would do if he earned 4 times what his girlfriend earned.

Good luck OP 💐

billy1966 · 06/12/2019 17:52

Can't bear!

Original poster
mummytippy · 06/12/2019 19:24

Thanks Harried

You have hit the nail with the gym thing. It was the principle in that he knows I’m under paid so when he chose 2 months for himself I saw it as a bit selfish. Similar to when he discussed taking me away then went with the lads.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummytippy · 06/12/2019 19:27

Hi Billy

Yes I agree that HarriedHarriet has nailed it.
I suppose I’ve wanted him to pick up on what I’ve told him without having to spell it it. I’m a generous person myself and have the attitude of what’s mine is the other person’s. I suppose I’d be happy to accept if he offers but I don’t want to really have to ask.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummytippy · 06/12/2019 19:28

And thank you for the flowers Billy 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
mummytippy · 06/12/2019 19:29

Hi Fedup

I can see why he did it too but it’s not what I’d have done after agreeing to do a referral.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummytippy · 06/12/2019 20:03

So tonight has gone from Xmas Market (as it’s raining and I don’t want to leave my son) to him ordering a takeaway but adding there might now be an hour or sos wait?!?! to me offering to cook as it’s got late and he’s taken me up on that. He’s not even here yet.

OP posts:
Bartlet · 06/12/2019 20:12

So what do you want him to do? It seems like you want him offer to pay for your outings as you admit that you can’t afford pretty much anything. And this notion of being wooed sounds suspiciously like you want him to spend money on you.

I’m not surprised he’s wary as he could well end up subbing you indefinitely. Posters calling him mean because he’s not prepared to top up your lifestyle in what is a very new relationship??