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Original poster

How do you date a guy that earns a lot more than you but you like to go dutch but can't keep up?

258 replies

mummytippy · 05/12/2019 14:37

So I started seeing a guy at the end of Sept... we went out for drinks, then a couple of meals... but my income means I can't go out as much as he'd like to because I'm on a very tight budget. I have a 13 yo and he has an 8 yo. He earns approx 4 times more than me (not his fault and I don't resent this). Because of my money situ, I suggested I cook a meal. I didn't say I'm on cruddy wages/with high outgoings, namely my rent, I just said I've had a lot to pay out recently so do you fancy coming to mine for a meal this time. In return he then cooked at his place/got a take away, I bought the wine. Problem I have now is we seem to be staying in all the time. He'll suggest cooking at mine mostly as his dc lives mainly with mum and I don't like to leave my 13 yo.
Also, the other day he said he was going to re-join the gym (turns out same gym I'm at) so I asked him to mention my name (free month for the referral worth £19 and I would have bought him a drink). When I asked him if he'd joined he said yes, but he was sorry he'd done a black Friday deal instead of mentioning my name... 2 months free... obv a better deal but he'd see me right. I don't like to admit this but it really annoyed me! Tomorrow he's suggested us going out and I as usual I have no money. Thoughts and ideas welcome to try and set some sort of way forward for us before we just stay in all the time as we've been out for 2 meals so far and 3 lots of drinks in 2 months. He's also stayed at mine with his dc and we've stayed in and done done pizza night etc. Last weekend he was away in Spain on a lads weekend which was arranged after we'd been dating about a month... he bought me a bottle of Baileys in Duty Free. I just feel like we've skipped dating and I'm not being wooed... how do I say something? Any thoughts welcome. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
NC4this123 · 06/12/2019 11:46

Sometimes men just don’t realise! If you’ve always handled yourself he may not realise it’s a struggle. My now husband was like this in the beginning, I’d always be cooking for him but little did he know I was struggling to feed my and my child let alone him too! I actually had to tell him and now he’s the most selfless person and everything that’s his is mine but even now after years of marriage I still have to point it out to him 😂

Original poster
mummytippy · 06/12/2019 11:48

Thanks ScreamingLady

I agree with what you’re saying... I’ve leant back... was just hoping that maybe meals I prepared were seen as my ‘contribution’ as opposed to what you've said but can see how it looks! A conversation will be had.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 06/12/2019 11:50

I'm also not sure on what you're aiming for here. On one hand you make it clear you can't afford to go out, on the other you say you want to go Dutch. I'm wondering if in reality you want him to pay and don't want to admit it.

Because going out involves a cost for uou that you can't afford unless it's free or very low cost.

The gym membership is just weird, if you're that hard up for nineteen quid you're annoyed you didn't get it, and it's a big deal to you as you say, where exactly do you wish to go out?

Honestly this guy is on a hiding to nothing.

Bartlet · 06/12/2019 11:59

Not quite sure what you want here. You want to be wooed but you want go Dutch. You want to go out to restaurants but you can’t afford to pay for them.

If you want to go out more but can’t afford it then you’ll need to tell him this. The guy is not a mind reader.

Original poster
mummytippy · 06/12/2019 12:01

Thanks NC4

I’m in a very similar position financially to how you were. I supposed I’ve just hoped he would realise. Thank you for your comment.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummytippy · 06/12/2019 12:06

Thanks for your comment Bluntness

I have to say you’re wrong about me wanting him to pay though. I’ve always been completely independent and the whole point of my post is to try to establish how to do things fairly so neither of us is taken for granted.

With regard to the gym membership, this is the only thing I have on subscription. My ds is also a member and it’s one thing that we do together and enjoy. Being fit and healthy and teach my ds this is important to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummytippy · 06/12/2019 12:10

Thanks Bartlet

Yes know he’s not a mind reader and I know a frank conversation is required. I’m just wanting things to be fair and also not to be beholding to someone. I’ve slways been financially independent so I find it difficult when people offer to accept.

OP posts:
Treesthemovie · 06/12/2019 12:27

Tbh OP you are sounding like quite hard work, not happy that he only came home with a bottle of Bailey's after you'd been seeing each other a month, then saying you're glad he didn't come home empty handed.

Does he even know your exact earnings? You can't have it all ways. You want to be independent financially in the relationship and split the bill but you can't afford to go out. Yet you want to go out and are annoyed that he doesn't "woo" you and take you out. Makes no sense, sorry

Original poster
mummytippy · 06/12/2019 12:35

Hi Trees

I’m not hard work I’m just wanting things to be fair... hence my original question. I was very pleased with the Baileys too. Haven’t opened it yet as said I’d share it with him leading up to Xmas. I’m not sure of your circumstances but having once been in a better position financially... (comfortable) and then becoming a lone parent I’d be lying if I said it didn’t get me down from time to time. I know others are worse off so I also count my blessings.

OP posts:
readitandwept · 06/12/2019 12:45

He'll suggest cooking at mine mostly as his dc lives mainly with mum and I don't like to leave my 13 yo.

What's he supposed to do here?

I can't work out what you want either. Your comment about being wooed, straight after the Baileys info, certainly implies you expect to be wined and dined at his expense.

readitandwept · 06/12/2019 12:47

Is he now ditching his kid every weekend? Is he hoping to spend every weekend with you now? Even the weekend you have yours?

category12 · 06/12/2019 12:50

Crikey, he sounds like a fucking cheapskate. He's changed access agreements for cheaper karting?!

Watch it, op. Knows the price of everything and value of nothing.

Treesthemovie · 06/12/2019 12:51

The thing is OP, you are complaining about being skint, yep being skint is shit and hopefully your situation improves (maybe with a better government haha) but that's really a separate issue.

Youre skint. But you want to split the bills. But you want to go out which you can't afford. Somehow you seem to be saying this is his fault. Does he even know you're skint?

dontgobaconmyheart · 06/12/2019 12:51

It does sound like there is a lot of baggage for you around the fact you used to be a higher earner OP, you mention it almost every reply. That isn't an achievement in itself and in an ordinary relationship wouldn't matter. DP and I used to earn the same, I've paid for holidays before, as has he- it's really no big deal, it's something for us, we are a couple. It isn't a power dynamic or a demonstration of anything, just paying for something for both of you as both of you get something out of it.

It seems odd that you'd be introduced to DC and have them staying over but haven't discussed finances, why not just point out what you earn? He will find it out eventually Confused if you stay together. He sounds like he is responding to your cues of having no money but doesn't seem to be able to win her- he does so and is accused of not romancing you, treats you and it's wrong (but also would be if he didn't). If you want to go to places you can't afford OP and be romance, he will obviously have to be the one to pay. It's not his fault or yours that your salaries don't match up, it's just the way it is.

If he were careful with his own money, what would be wrong with that at thos stage anyway? I'm not sure one can judge so early on. Just date, talk about it, see how it goes, before worrying about a future. The dynamic of a relationship isn't predetermined, it will be what you both make it.

readitandwept · 06/12/2019 12:57

@category12 I bet that particular change is more about his weekend love/social life than the cost of go karting. He's probably making out it makes more sense financially, without realising that still shows him up as a crap dad.

Tessaraqt · 06/12/2019 13:02

OP I'm confused too. You told him you prefer to cook at yours rather than go out, as you don't want to leave your 13 year old and money is tight, so he's only doing what you asked.

If you want to go out more, find something in your budget to suggest, and go Dutch when you do it. Seems simple.

LemonTT · 06/12/2019 13:10

I’m not getting a lot of what the OP is saying or why. Unless as others have indicated she wants him to pay for her. Otherwise the issue boils down to her not being able to afford to go out. Which maybe isn’t her fault but it’s not his at all.

I’m not going to rehash the “too soon “ feedback, but I am a bit shocked that he has reduced his access to fit in around the OP and her sons schedule. No wonder the ex is pissed. If he had an arrangement with the ex that worked for their kid they should have stuck to it. It’s not like the OP can afford to go out anyway.

I feel the frank discussion will result in him doing what the OP wants, a free to her wooing experience.

Sunshineandflipflops · 06/12/2019 13:12

I think it's perfectly reasonable for each parent to have every other weekend 'off' to be honest, whether that's to see someone you are in a relationship with or just do your own thing/have a break, so I don't see him wanting to chance access to EOW rather than every weekend being an issue. To be fair to op, it's very hard to have a relationship with someone and not meet kids if you never have a weekend without them.

I have been with my bf for almost 4 months and we are loosely planning to meet each other's kids after Xmas but all teens and we've had 4 months of dating without kids in the picture due to me having EOW and 1-2 nights in the week to myself.

The money thing though...I don't know, other than being honest about it.

readitandwept · 06/12/2019 13:17

He's dropped all Fri/Sat contact, from what I have read. And he's just back from a weekend away, so obviously having the child every weekend wasn't a rigid thing anyway.

Opentooffers · 06/12/2019 13:18

Hmm.. 5 months and my BF has met my son once and he's never stayed over yet. Slow down, you've gone way fast here.
I suspect he's a bit tight , he should not expect you to go Dutch, but also you can't complain about staying in whilst not being able to afford to go out at the same time unless you would be out more with someone who earnt similar to you.

Sunshineandflipflops · 06/12/2019 13:19

@readitandwept Well yes, then that just shifts the problem from one parent to the other of having the dc every weekend!

readitandwept · 06/12/2019 13:24

@Sunshineandflipflops yes, I agree?

Original poster
mummytippy · 06/12/2019 13:35

Hi Trees

Thanks for your comment. I think he has a good idea of my income. The problem when you earn less is it’s harder than take the lead and make suggestions imo. I’m thinking dates need to be planned more.

So tonight he asked earlier in the week if I’d like to go to a Christmas market. I said sounds like a plan. It’s currently raining hard so I suggested raincheck later so maybe go tomorrow instead and he’s suggested a takeaway tonight. Who’s house not decided but I have my ds so probably mine. I feel awkward the fact I have my son as obv takeaway needs to include him too... I don’t even get takeaways anymore because of the cost... it was so much simpler not dating at all!

OP posts:
readitandwept · 06/12/2019 13:40

So what were you doing with your son if it hadn't been raining and you were going to the Christmas markets?

Original poster
mummytippy · 06/12/2019 13:52

I’m in agreement too much too soon on the children front and as I say it only happened as he was having his dc every weekend. This is the first time in a relationship it’s happened and I’ve been single on and off since my ds was 18 mths old.

I also said (carefully to him) he should have changed the contact to EOW and not Sun-Tues. I can see too why his ex is upset. As far as I know, she doesn’t know about us unless his ds has said something.

I’m going to have a chat with him this weekend about dates as he also works quite unsocial hours (early mornings (5.30am alarm call/late nights) and travels a lot so when he has stayed at mine he’s woken me very early getting up. When you’ve been on your own a long time this is hard to get used to too!

Honesty is definitely the best policy and my ds comes first to me. Eating at mine was suggested because of my ds and to save money.

OP posts: