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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband wont let my friend stay at christmas although my friend will be alone

181 replies

imnosupernanny · 04/12/2019 12:37

Hi

One of my best friends who is a male had lived with us for a few months as he was homeless after his relationship with his parents broke down (he is a student in his late twenties). He returned to uni this autumn, far away.
He will be alone in university halls this Christmas, and it breaks my heart. My husband refuses to let him come and stay with us. He knows this is really upsetting me but he says I must choose between Christmas and him and that if my friend comes then he (my husband) will leave. We have three sons. We all got on fine with my friend when we were living together but my husband is jealous of how well me and my friend get on.
However I cant understand how cold hearted my husband is being, refusing to let him stay just for a few days, when otherwise he will be alone.
I dont know what to do. This is my house too and I know how upset I will feel at christmas knowing my friend is alone. Please advise.

OP posts:
StrayWoman · 04/12/2019 12:42

Hmm, I can see both sides of this one. I don't think inviting him to stay multiple days is fair on your husband.

Does he like the friend? Is the friend respectful in your house? Did he take the piss when he was temporarily living with you?

Why not just invite him to Christmas lunch/day time?

OrangeZog · 04/12/2019 12:44

Can you compromise and see if your husband would be happy for him to visit for a couple of days after Christmas?

Marylou2 · 04/12/2019 12:45

We all got on fine with my friend when we were living together but my husband is jealous of how well me and my friend get on.
Really OP? I think your husband has had enough. He has been accommodating and hospitable to your friend for several months and now wants Christmas in his own home with his own family. Accusing him of jealousy sounds terribly immature. Your husband and family should come first.

ScreamingValenta · 04/12/2019 12:46

If you can't reach a compromise such as having him for Christmas Day only, could you go and stay with him and take him out for a meal?

snowybaubles · 04/12/2019 12:47

Why will he be alone if he can't come to you?

IndecentFeminist · 04/12/2019 12:47

He stayed for a few months? Sounds pretty accommodating to me. I'd gate a house guest for that long.

Unless your husband is normally an arsehole I'd respect and prioritise him to a degree. Perhaps suggest Christmas lunch and one night or something?

SweetAsSpice · 04/12/2019 12:49

People are obsessed with CHRISTMAS DAY being this perfect family day. I do understand that. But...ask your ‘D’H what the true meaning of Christmas is. Ask him what it will show your children, bigger picture style, by welcoming someone who isn’t technically family into your family for Christmas.

Failing that, get him to read A Christmas Carol Wink

Original poster
imnosupernanny · 04/12/2019 12:49

He was very respectful when he stayed with us. I am aware that my husband felt threatened by my friendship with him. Unfortunately his university is far away and he has nowhere to stay near us, he has almost no money too. In order to spend christmas day with us he would need to sleep somewhere on Christmas eve and christmas day night. I still know my husband will refuse this suggestion, which I think is a good idea, and my husband will say I've ruined his christmas. I dont want my husband to be unhappy but I dont want my friend to be alone and I will be sad too if he is alone.

OP posts:
C305 · 04/12/2019 12:49

Although I can see both sides as I have many male friends who I am very close to, your family should definitely come first with this one and I can't help but feel like you are being really quite unfair on your husband by knowingly putting him in a situation which will cause jealously and tension for you all as a family. Maybe think (realistically!) how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and you felt jealous of one of your husbands female friends; I'm sure you wouldn't want them staying with you over Christmas if the tables were turned.

SickNotes · 04/12/2019 12:50

Honestly, I don't think your husband has to be jealous of your relationship with your friend for him to have had enough of him staying, if he's already lived with you for several months! He sounds to me as if he's been more than accommodating, and in your shoes I would scrap the idea of having him come to stay and see if your husband would be OK with him coming for Christmas dinner only. If not, take him for dinner yourself on another day?

redcarbluecar · 04/12/2019 12:51

Your husband's ultimatum sounds a bit much, but it is his house too I guess. It's perhaps not fair on your friend anyway to invite him to spend Christmas at a house where he's not fully welcome. I would rather be on my own than do that. Seeking a compromise sounds like a sensible approach.

SweetAsSpice · 04/12/2019 12:51

Sorry, misread the part where he had already stayed with you for a few months...Blush

That does change things then OP.

Original poster
imnosupernanny · 04/12/2019 12:51

All his friends at uni go home to their families. He and his family had a big falling out in the summer and they are estranged now. Although he does have friends they are not the kind to put themselves out for him.

OP posts:
Boyo7 · 04/12/2019 12:51

If the shoe was on the other foot and your husband wanted a female friend, who he was overly close to, in your house for days over Christmas, then what would you say?

misspiggy19 · 04/12/2019 12:52

I think your husband has had enough. He has been accommodating and hospitable to your friend for several months and now wants Christmas in his own home with his own family.

^I agree with this

TooTrueToBeGood · 04/12/2019 12:52

Why is he your problem? I'm with your husband and I suspect you'd be viewing it completely differently too if the roles were reversed and your husband wanted to involve a female friend of his so much.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 04/12/2019 12:52

If your dh let him stay for a few months when he was homeless then i'd say he'd been pretty decent so far.

Why will your friend be all alone? Where are his university friends? I'd volunteer with a Christmas day charity for the homesless if that were me, and invite him to come and eat on boxing day, would that be a compromise?

Original poster
imnosupernanny · 04/12/2019 12:53

Mu husband told me he resented how well I get on with my friend. He said he resented how my friend and I click on certain things we enjoy that my husband does not.

OP posts:
TreeMenDos · 04/12/2019 12:53

My Ex girlfriend is staying over Christmas with my husband and I.

I'm thankful he is understanding as she has no one else to share Christmas with.

We are all good friends now. I'm glad he is mature and kind enough to see passed our former relationship and allow us to be friends. Also when my ex was still my girlfriend she was fine with DH coming round for Christmas and spending the whole week with us.

Though I know we are an unusual situation but just proving that strong, platonic friendships can happen.

beelzeboob · 04/12/2019 12:54

OP your husband has to come before your friend.
Your friend not having anywhere to go for Christmas is not your responsibility.

StrayWoman · 04/12/2019 12:54

So, he's in his late 20's and has no other friends, family, house, or money?

What was he doing between college and uni? Has he never had a job or a home or even a house share?

AlternativePerspective · 04/12/2019 12:55

I think his being male is irrelevant here tbh. You have a friend who stayed with you for several months and now you want said friend to stay with you over Christmas as well? TBH I wouldn’t be overly happy about that regardless of whether it was a man or a woman.

StrayWoman · 04/12/2019 12:55

Also, did your friend pay keep when he stayed with you for several months?

Boyo7 · 04/12/2019 12:55

Sounds like he is more than just a friend, OP. And that your husband is right to feel threatened. Prioritise your marriage here.

Original poster
imnosupernanny · 04/12/2019 12:56

Thank you for all the advice everyone, I really value it and it had given me some things to think about.

OP posts:
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