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Original poster

Husband wont let my friend stay at christmas although my friend will be alone

181 replies

imnosupernanny · 04/12/2019 12:37

Hi

One of my best friends who is a male had lived with us for a few months as he was homeless after his relationship with his parents broke down (he is a student in his late twenties). He returned to uni this autumn, far away.
He will be alone in university halls this Christmas, and it breaks my heart. My husband refuses to let him come and stay with us. He knows this is really upsetting me but he says I must choose between Christmas and him and that if my friend comes then he (my husband) will leave. We have three sons. We all got on fine with my friend when we were living together but my husband is jealous of how well me and my friend get on.
However I cant understand how cold hearted my husband is being, refusing to let him stay just for a few days, when otherwise he will be alone.
I dont know what to do. This is my house too and I know how upset I will feel at christmas knowing my friend is alone. Please advise.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/12/2019 13:31

Although he does have friends they are not the kind to put themselves out for him

In your DH's position I migh wonder why that is - especially when you've already stepped in for months' worth of "homelessness" before Hmm

MissEliza · 04/12/2019 13:31

Tbh I think your dh is right. It's hard enough having house guests for a protracted period but when it's your wife's male best friend, it takes quite a lot of patience and understanding. Your dh probably feels he's been understanding enough and would like his wife to himself at Christmas.

SweetSally · 04/12/2019 13:31

@imnosupernanny
I presume your husband will be off work during the holidays and he doesn't feel like hosting anyone during his family time.
Are you not seeing family during Christmas day or boxing day?
Probably also your husband wants to relax and wear his pj and not host anyone and or fall into a routine nanny situation with the children because his wife is busy hosting her friend.

To be honest I would never dare suggest to my husband we have a friend staying over during Christmas unless they are joining us for a meal and that's it. Pre-children days - yes that would have been different. Now that we have children - no chance .

I think you are being unfair on your whole family. You are twisting this as a charitable gesture however it's actually a rather selfish request of yours.

BigFatLiar · 04/12/2019 13:32

If I was your friend I suspect I might be happier having a day on my own than being sat in on someone else's family Christmas watching them all have a happy family time.

greenlynx · 04/12/2019 13:32

I would look at it from different perspective. Would it be such a big problem for this guy to spend a few days (including Xmas day) on his own? I don’t think so. It might be a good opportunity for him to revise for exams which are usually just after holidays. It’s just one Xmas. He might actually feel worse staying with you and thinking about his fall out with his own family.
You are too emotional about this. You said that his other friends won’t put themselves out for him. They might see it differently, they might see that they are just prioritizing other commitments.

ElluesPichulobu · 04/12/2019 13:33

How old are you OP? Are you old enough for your concern for this young man to be clearly maternal, or are you close enough in age that if your DH weren't in the picture you might have a little dalliance with him, or more?

I don't think it's unreasonable for your DH to not want any unrelated young man in the house on Christmas day. Especially one that seems more interesting and fun to be with than he does.

Lots of Universities have programmes of activities for students over the Christmas holidays. Overseas students from e.g. China can't just pop back home for 2 weeks. There will be stuff going on on-campus that he can join in with - the Uni may even have a programme to match up students who are at a loose end with local host families.

BumbleBeee69 · 04/12/2019 13:36

People are obsessed with CHRISTMAS DAY being this perfect family day. I do understand that. But...ask your ‘D’H what the true meaning of Christmas is. Ask him what it will show your children, bigger picture style, by welcoming someone who isn’t technically family into your family for Christmas.

Failing that, get him to read A Christmas Carol

If you're so concerned why don't you take him in... Hmm

Original poster
imnosupernanny · 04/12/2019 13:38

No I'm not the other poster who posted about having her head on her friends shoulder. My friend stayed for 3 months with us. But I think there were only 3 occasions where I stayed up chatting with him, we like to chat about deep stuff like the meaning of life for example, in the kitchen, so my husband was welcome to join in but he doesn't do chatting especially on thoughtful subjects. I am 12 years older than my friend and I do feel protective of him because he has adhd and depression, anxiety and OCD. I share some of these issues, and also have has issues with my parents. His family sound dysfunctional and they never helped him with his issues. His studies have taken longer than they should because of ADHD issues but he is trying to focus hard.

OP posts:
DarlingNikita · 04/12/2019 13:38

I think the OP's husband is being very ungenerous and unpleasant, as are those on here asking why the friend is the OP's 'problem', insinuating things about their friendship, saying it'll 'do him good' etc.

For context, I'm not a big Christmas/family person at all. DP and I don't have kids and I don't much like Christmas, don't enjoy spending it with family and like to just spend the day quietly at home with DP, reading/radio on/telly on and eating what I like when I like.

But if someone I cared about was going to be alone and didn't want to be, I'd have them. I'd explain that we don't really 'do' Christmas and that there would be plenty of food/company/telly/general hospitality but they'd have to basically fit in with how we spend the day. You don't need to suddenly change your Christmas and do full-on hosting. If I had kids I'd hope that they would see that it's good to be generous of spirit, rather than feeling that DP and I had put other people first.

Dustarr73 · 04/12/2019 13:39

Im just wondering why he keeps falling out with everyone.Why didnt nobody from his course ask him for Christmas.

You have already had him stay for months and i think its unfair to put the blame on your dh.Your friend is squarely to blame why hes alone.

He needs to stand on his 2 feet,and nows the time to start.

DarlingNikita · 04/12/2019 13:41

You said that his other friends won’t put themselves out for him. They might see it differently, they might see that they are just prioritizing other commitments.
They're exactly the same thing Confused

OrangeZog · 04/12/2019 13:41

But if someone I cared about was going to be alone and didn't want to be, I'd have them.

And that would be over your own husband (and co-owner of the property) and also possibly over your own children’s wants? Perhaps he doesn’t mind being alone for Christmas. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Either way, he isn’t wanted by at least one (and perhaps four) of the five people who live in the house.

Original poster
imnosupernanny · 04/12/2019 13:44

I have said to my husband that if he cant come visit at christmas that I will go spend the weekend (it's far away, a big drive) with my friend the weekend before Christmas and take him some Christmas food and gifts. My husband doesn't like that idea either, but I did it once before and went out with my friend and his group of friends, and I stayed in a pub nearby. I dont want to have to not see my friend as he means a lot to me. I trust him and there are not many people I click with. I feel that my husband would rather I want in touch with him but that would be asking too much of me I feel.

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 04/12/2019 13:45

It sounds like your dh is afraid that this friend is becoming too dependent on your family. Is he planning to move in with you during summer holidays etc. Sounds like you dh is nipping this in the bud.

DarlingNikita · 04/12/2019 13:45

Orange, fortunately my DP isn't mean-spirited either and would be pleased to have someone stay if they didn't want to be alone. And as I've said, if I had kids I hope I'd have raised them to welcome him in too.

DarlingNikita · 04/12/2019 13:46

My husband doesn't like that idea either
I think you're very very accommodating of him on this issue. More than I would be.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 04/12/2019 13:48

Saying with someones family for 3 months is along time. Its totally unfair to put this back on you're husband and you're family again especially in the holiday period.

Astrabees · 04/12/2019 13:49

I posted a while ago about my B-i-L who lives a travelling lifestyle and who I suspected might be on his own for Christmas. It wouldn't have hurt me to have him for one day but it needed sleeping over for at least 2 nights and he is difficult company.Fortunately someone else offered before we had a really dificult situation about it but I just could not have enjoyed Christmas with him there, reasonable or not. OP, arrange to see your friend in the New Year. I'd already decided to decamp to a Travel Lodge if this decision had been forced on me.

snowybaubles · 04/12/2019 13:50

. I dont want to have to not see my friend as he means a lot to me.

Presumably he will still mean the same whether you see him or not.

I trust him and there are not many people I click with.

Are you still talking about your friend here....

SweetSally · 04/12/2019 13:51

OP
You need to let your friend grow up and learn to manage his own life and additional needs (refering to ADHD etc).

You are very likely to upset your whole family while trying to "adopt" this one person.

I can tell that you are a lovely person and very giving but we can't fix the world for everyone. If your friend is in his late 20s' he should have already had some direction in life and settled down a bit more/sorted himself out.

He sounds like a never-growing child to me. I had a friend who is pretty similar to your friend too and after 10 years I got tired of her being always needy and life was never fair for her. Life is what you make it. That doesn't mean we should not be kind to each other and we should not be compassionate and help . Nevertheless, you need to prioritize your family.

Drum2018 · 04/12/2019 13:53

If I had issue with someone, for whatever reason, then I wouldn't want them coming to stay. Therefore I think your Dh is reasonable not wanting your friend to stay for Christmas. He obviously isn't as friendly with him as you are and if your husband is uncomfortable with this man staying in your home then I think you need to respect that.

MoonlightBonnet · 04/12/2019 13:53

I opened this expecting to think your DH was being outrageous and controlling. But I lean towards thinking he’s right. You seem to want to prioritise this friend over both your DH and your children at Christmas. Going away for the whole weekend the weekend before Christmas when you have young kids who will want to do holiday stuff with you?! That is serious over involvement with this friend, who is an adult with other friends.

SweetAsSpice · 04/12/2019 13:56

If you're so concerned why don't you take him in...

Not quite sure how you managed to interpret my post as desperate concern, but the derision in response... Grin

DarlingNikita · 04/12/2019 13:57

This reply has been deleted

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HappyHammy · 04/12/2019 13:59

Where will your friend be living in the holidays. Does he live in uni halls or is.renting somewhere. Would he mind spending Christmas on his own.its not important to everyone. Could you just take him out for a meal instead and phone him during the holidays. It wouldnt br much fun for anyone if you insist he stay with you where hes not really welcome.

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