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Original poster

Husband wont let my friend stay at christmas although my friend will be alone

181 replies

imnosupernanny · 04/12/2019 12:37

Hi

One of my best friends who is a male had lived with us for a few months as he was homeless after his relationship with his parents broke down (he is a student in his late twenties). He returned to uni this autumn, far away.
He will be alone in university halls this Christmas, and it breaks my heart. My husband refuses to let him come and stay with us. He knows this is really upsetting me but he says I must choose between Christmas and him and that if my friend comes then he (my husband) will leave. We have three sons. We all got on fine with my friend when we were living together but my husband is jealous of how well me and my friend get on.
However I cant understand how cold hearted my husband is being, refusing to let him stay just for a few days, when otherwise he will be alone.
I dont know what to do. This is my house too and I know how upset I will feel at christmas knowing my friend is alone. Please advise.

OP posts:
Sweetooth92 · 04/12/2019 14:00

Last time he stayed, was it “just for a bit” and ended up being months? If so I could totally see why your husband is reluctant, as the Christmas break is a month for uni.
What about Easter. Next summer. Where’s the line?

CalmFizz · 04/12/2019 14:01

I’m sorry but this sounds like an emotional affair in plain sight.

Boyo7 · 04/12/2019 14:03

If my husband went to visit another woman for the weekend, just before Christmas, when we had small children, then I would leave him. Sort your priorities out OP. You are clearly overly involved with this guy and your husband knows it.

HappyHammy · 04/12/2019 14:03

Your friend can speak to the pastoral carer at uni and look at what community events and lunches are being offered. Maybe your friend could involve himself helping out as a volunteer.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 04/12/2019 14:04

Would you be happy if your husband had a friend to stay and he or she was constantly chatting to your husband about things you didn’t understand or had no interest in, or laughing at in-jokes between themselves.

I’m sorry but your husband is not being unreasonable to object to you and your friend’s close relationship, which excludes him, being in his face over Christmas. And this is nothing to do with him feeling that your friend is a potential romantic rival. It’s just a lack of respect and courtesy on your part. Do you really love your husband because you are not taking his feelings into account very well.

Also, if DH might be amenable to friend coming for Christmas lunch, why can’t friend stay in a Travelodge or similar- is he completely penniless?

Dustarr73 · 04/12/2019 14:04

I think op you need to step outside the rose tinted specs and see what your dh sees.

Its an emotional affair,h depends too much on you.And you love trying to fix his life.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 04/12/2019 14:05

where did you meet this man anyway?

snowybaubles · 04/12/2019 14:05

@DarlingNikita

Presumably he will still mean the same whether you see him or not.

What a stupid thing to say. Are you a pre-teen?

Why is it a stupid thing to say? OP friend won't mean any less of she prioritises her family over Christmas.

I'm over 40, what's with the snark about 'pre-teen'?

Musti · 04/12/2019 14:07

Your husband has been more than accommodating. If he's short of funds he should work over the christmas period and earn some good money. He's a grown man and a student so should have made lots of friends by now.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 04/12/2019 14:07

Why has he not made plans? Why are you his only option? No other friends or family ? Has he fallen out with all of them?
He should volunteer and come to you for a couple of days not at Xmas as your oh deserves time alone

EmmiJay · 04/12/2019 14:07

@SickNote I don't and will never understand the Pick Me logic in a relationship. I feel her DH is being a tad Scrooge-ish in this scenario. I personally would hope my partner would understand and comprise with me about having this friend stay at least for just one night or at the very least dinner. But hey ho.

Beveren · 04/12/2019 14:08

There is no reason why your friend has to be on his own at Christmas unless he wants to be. As people have pointed out, charities would welcome his help and, who knows , he may make more friends that way so he has more options available.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 04/12/2019 14:09

You know, if this was posted by your DH, I bet everyone would be saying "of course she's shagging him! If your wife is proritising another man over her marriage, it's already over."

Frankly, your DH has been clear. He doesn't like your friend. He did the right thing when your friend was homeless, but now would like to not have his christmas ruined.

I can also see why he wouldn't like you to go off the weekend before Christmas, leaving DH with the DCs for the weekend - when there's stuff to be done.

If you want the other man to have food and gifts at christmas, do an online delivery for him. You would be less unreasonable to suggest going the weeknd between Christmas and New Year when there's less work, however your friend may well have plans to see other uni friends or have invites for New Year.

IF your friend is sad being on his own at Christmas Day, that will because he's missing his family/sad about the change from last year. Your family wouldn't fix that, he'd just be sad in your house, and your DH would be sad too.

Prioritise your DH and DCs. Try not to take on 'saving' other people.

ChristmasCroissant · 04/12/2019 14:10

If he's at Uni halls for Christmas he wouldn't be on his own. They will have a Christmas dinner at one hall for all the students, international students don't go home for Christmas either. Why do you think he would be all alone? Hmm

DarlingNikita · 04/12/2019 14:10

snowy, I'm not sure why you need it spelled out, but OK:

Sure, someone can 'mean a lot to you' in a general and ongoing sense, but obviously the context here is that because this friend means a lot to the OP, she wants to be hospitable to him in this particular scenario.

I'm over 40, what's with the snark about 'pre-teen'? Your comment was facetious and silly and made you sound like a child.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 04/12/2019 14:17

That’s a really good point, if he has no cash and is free at Christmas it’s the ideal time to earn some extra money.

Savingshoes · 04/12/2019 14:19

So your male friend has no siblings or cousins, no grandparents, no aunts or uncles, no friends from uni, no other homies... just you who want him around for Christmas?
Can't think why his parents and he might be estranged. Xmas Confused

mindutopia · 04/12/2019 14:21

That’s fair enough, any issues in your relationship aside, I wouldn’t be keen with my dh inviting a friend to stay at Christmas. I want to relax and not entertain and feel like I have a lodger at what should be a nice family time. We did invite BIL this year because he just split up from his long term partner and was having a really hard time and also has no family really except dh. He’s not coming after all (he got a better offer apparently Hmm than being stuck with us and two small dc!) and though I’m actually really close to him, I’m sort of relieved to just not have to deal with the extra hassle.

Wonkybanana · 04/12/2019 14:21

It seems to me your DH feels like - to quote Princess Diana - there are three people in this marriage. If you are so protective of your friend, have conversations with him that yes your DH could join in but it's not his cup of tea, I suspect he thinks if your friend comes for Christmas he'll end up playing gooseberry. Which is hardly fair in his own marriage and in his own home.

I agree that the friend shouldn't come to stay, and that you shouldn't be going there the weekend before Christmas. That means you're putting what you perceive as his needs before those of your family. You are not your friend's knight in shining armour, riding in on a white horse, he's a grown man and you're not personally responsible for his life.

BigFatLiar · 04/12/2019 14:22

Sounds a bit like you'd rather be with your friend than your husband.

Savingshoes · 04/12/2019 14:22

You and the family visiting your friend the weekend before Christmas would be a reasonable compromise.

snowybaubles · 04/12/2019 14:22

@DarlingNikita

MY comment was facetious Hmm

Right you are Confused

SickNotes · 04/12/2019 14:22

I don't and will never understand the Pick Me logic in a relationship.

Nor do I, but I don't think that's in operation here. The DH has been more than decent in putting up with this man staying with them for months at a time already this year, and I don't think it's Scrooge-ish at all for him to be not keen to do it at Christmas. The friend was homeless the last time, this time he has somewhere to live -- it's not an emergency.

DarlingNikita · 04/12/2019 14:23

Sounds a bit like you'd rather be with your friend than your husband.
It seems to me more like she would like her friend to join her and her husband rather than being alone.

DarlingNikita · 04/12/2019 14:23

Yes, it was, snowy.

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