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Original poster

Husband wont let my friend stay at christmas although my friend will be alone

181 replies

imnosupernanny · 04/12/2019 12:37

Hi

One of my best friends who is a male had lived with us for a few months as he was homeless after his relationship with his parents broke down (he is a student in his late twenties). He returned to uni this autumn, far away.
He will be alone in university halls this Christmas, and it breaks my heart. My husband refuses to let him come and stay with us. He knows this is really upsetting me but he says I must choose between Christmas and him and that if my friend comes then he (my husband) will leave. We have three sons. We all got on fine with my friend when we were living together but my husband is jealous of how well me and my friend get on.
However I cant understand how cold hearted my husband is being, refusing to let him stay just for a few days, when otherwise he will be alone.
I dont know what to do. This is my house too and I know how upset I will feel at christmas knowing my friend is alone. Please advise.

OP posts:
MistyCloud · 04/12/2019 16:01

@imnosupernanny I have to agree with the majority on here. Your husband is right, and you are wrong, and the way you are prioritising this male friend of yours, and the way you are speaking about your husband is quite shocking.

As a pp said, (tatianayisling) the way you speak about your husband is derogatory and quite excluding, by saying your 'friend' and you have great meaningful deep chats into the early hours, without your husband. And he could join us but he doesn't DO chatting. Confused And saying that your husband is JEALOUS of you and this man is just a bloody rude thing to say. Part of me thinks you are secretly enjoying all this.

This friend of yours needs to sort his own shit out. Stop prioritising him over your family. You sound like you have very little respect for your husband, and don't care much about what he thinks or how he feels. Time to step up and start treating him better, or you will be posting on here saying 'DH packed his bags and left. HELP.'

Also I think @DarlingNikita must have got out of bed the wrong side this morning, so don't pay any attention to her comments @snowybaubles ... You have said nothing childish or 'stupid' and her comments are remarkably rude. If anything SHE sounds like a 'pre-teen.'

Honestly, I do wonder if people speak to people in real life like this? I doubt it very much indeed!

DarlingNikita · 04/12/2019 16:04

Misty, I stand by my assessment of those comments.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 04/12/2019 16:18

OP- another way to think about it.

For you, christmas is a happy time to be spent with family, enjoying each others company. So compared to that, being alone on Christmas day would be horribly disappointing.

However, assuming your friend is not at fault at that massive family fall out, Christmas day probably doesn't have lots of happy memories. Being in halls, having lunch with the international students or even just pottering, eating nice nibbles and watching what he wants on tv, might be bliss. Having to join someone else's christmas day, especially when the man who's family it is clearly doesn't want him there, would be a bit rubbish.

But it is not healthy for your marriage that you think this man's well being and happiness is more important than your DHs.

MistyCloud · 04/12/2019 16:19

@DarlingNikita

You can stand by your comments, and I stand by what I say, that your comments towards @snowybaubles were rude and unnecessary, and that you sound much more like a pre-teen than she does!

Ohffs66 · 04/12/2019 16:30

I'm team husband here. This chap is not your responsibility, he's an adult, he's not family. Doesn't sound like your DH likes him particularly for whatever reason (probably the way that you and your friend exclude him by the sounds of it!), and in his shoes I wouldn't want this person in my home over what is supposed to be a special time spent with family and friends, regardless of whether they were male or female. Given total choice DH and I wouldn't have anyone over for Christmas, but there are a few people we would have happily if they would be alone otherwise, others not si much. However it would be a joint decision to issue an invite, I wouldn't be at all happy at him inviting someone I don't like to spend Christmas with us, especially if it was a couple of nights stay! You're prioritising your own desire to 'save' your friend from spending Xmas alone over what your husband (reasonably!) wants, Christmas at home without your friend imposing (and we don't actually know if the friend even wants to come) .

Mrsmummy90 · 04/12/2019 16:30

I personally think that you should put your kids and dh first. Your friend is a grown man and able to sort himself out. Just go visit him another time.

Beveren · 04/12/2019 16:37

I also have had plenty of Christmases alone and it's not a big deal. You get yourself some nice nibbles, comfy Pj's and can watch christmas telly/ read/ basically just lounge about. It's cozy and stress free.

I must say, I love my family and all, but this sounds total bliss to me.

Interestedwoman · 04/12/2019 16:47

If you've never got off with this bloke, your husband is being jealous and uptight. Your friend just staying 2 nights I think is quite reasonable.

I think you have no choice but to do what your husband wants as he's threatening to leave over it, but if it were me it would go on the list of things a partner had done to put me off him. If that list gets too long, it's time to end the relationship. He sounds stroppy to me, and I don't like that.

@MistyCloud 'And saying that your husband is JEALOUS of you and this man is just a bloody rude thing to say.'

IDK about 'jealous of' (though maybe so) but it is jealousy, there's no other word for it.Nothing rude about it, just the right word to use for how he's acting. That and stroppy.

sonjadog · 04/12/2019 16:58

I think you need to move your husband's feelings further up your list of people whose feelings matter to you. Currently it is your friend number one, followed by what you want, and that your husband doesn't want a man whose presence makes him feel uncomfortable in his house over Christmas is an irrelevance to you. Yes, maybe he is jealous of your friendship but that doesn't mean his feelings should be ignored. I would reassess who is important to you here and if your friends feelings are more important to you that your husband's, then maybe you need to rethink your priorities in your marriage.

recycledbottle · 04/12/2019 16:59

Would you be happy enough if your husband left with the children so that you and your friend could have the house to yourselves? You don't seem too interested in your husbands opinion and seem to think that because he doesn't want to be a third wheel within his own home that he is jealous. Your priorities are your priorities. The fact that you are arguing with your DH about this is basically enforcing that he is not your priority and if he decides he has had enough, don't be too surprised. He has housed your friend already. He has done his contribution. Clearly, based on your posts, he has received zero thanks for his help so far.

Zzzz19 · 04/12/2019 17:04

To be honest, I don’t even want extended family around on Christmas Day let alone friends so I can see where he is coming from.

BlaueLagune · 04/12/2019 17:08

Do charities really take random volunteers over Christmas? I thought you had to be a regular helper.

AttheMarket31974632 · 04/12/2019 17:16

If your friend is at university, he has the opportunity to do all these things;
Work part time
Volunteer
Use Library
Use sporting facilities, possibly at reduced price
Explore the local area
Join some university run clubs
Join some local clubs
Meet new people in his local area

Please encourage him to try some of these

There was an article on BBC news about students that have no parental support. See if you can find it. He may be eligible for extra support

Your heart is in the right place
However, your priority should be your husband & children

I assume when he stayed for 3 months you fed him. Did he contribute anything like hell with chores ?

AttheMarket31974632 · 04/12/2019 17:17

Help with chores round the house

AttheMarket31974632 · 04/12/2019 17:21

Time at university is one of the biggest opportunities to do a whole raft of new & interesting things & meet new people !

Dustarr73 · 04/12/2019 17:24

@imnosupernanny do you want your df around so you dont have to talk to your dh.Is there problems in your marriage.?

DBML · 04/12/2019 17:26

Op...

Imagine if your husband wanted his female friend to stay, who was 12 years younger and threatened to go spend the weekend before Christmas with her.

We’d all be calling him a complete sleaze.

AdriannaP · 04/12/2019 17:32

There will be lots of overseas students at uni that are not going home and your friend can spend time with them. Every uni has things organised for students who are not going home.

Why is your friend more important than your husband? You should prioritise your family. Your DH was very generous already to let your friend stay for so long.

Ginger1982 · 04/12/2019 17:40

YABU. Your family come first. Your husband put up with your friend for 3 months! I like DH's friends but can't imagine wanting any of them to stay with us for 3 months. Your DH wants you and the kids to himself at Christmas and I don't think that's out of line.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/12/2019 17:42

Look, forget all the who is right, wrong stuff. It is entirely beside the point.

OP your DH has told you very clearly that this young man is breaking your marriage. You don't seem to be listening.

You need to think about why that is.

Is your marriage is coming to a natural end? Do you feel less invested in it? Why does your DH feel so strongly?

You can choose to prioritize your friend, that would send a clear message to your DH. He would then be entitled to do as he said he would.

So you need to work out what it is you really want... and act accordingly.

But your issue isn't an ungenerous husband, it is a fundamental mismatch in some pretty serious relationship issues.

Illeana · 04/12/2019 17:50

This man is your friend but is not a friend of your marriage. He’s a threat to your relationship and he makes your husband feel uncomfortable. You need to prioritise your marriage and your husband’s feelings over someone who’s just a friend. If your husband doesn’t want him to join you for Christmas then he can’t come.

LannisterLion1 · 04/12/2019 17:53

If your husband was happy to support your friend in staying for 3 months when homeless I'd say he was a good egg. I'd also wonder if between your deep conversations with said friend and his staying so long with you so obviously protective and defensive of him, your husband and kids weren't the ones feeling pushed out.

Your husband doesn't want it happening again and i have to wonder if he's not worried that you two are becoming too close.

Loopytiles · 04/12/2019 17:53

YABU.

This “friendship” has negatively affected your DH and family, who should be of higher priority.

Jaxhog · 04/12/2019 17:56

I think your husband has had enough. He has been accommodating and hospitable to your friend for several months and now wants Christmas in his own home with his own family.

I agree. Your husband is likely fed up with playing second fiddle in his own home.

Also, have you wondered why your friend is estranged from family and has no other friends? Perhaps your husband sees something you don't.

MsRomanoff · 04/12/2019 18:00

Hang on.

He stayes with you for a few months ove summer. Now coming at Christmas?

So he will be spending all holidays with you when he isnt at uni? Sounds like a set up someone has with their adult child?

What about Easter and next summer? Where is he going then?

It makes your husband uncomfortable. Yoir husband has already let him stay for several months and it sounds like you are expecting him to stay every holiday.

If dp had a male or female friend who spent all her uni holidays here, I closing christmas though he knew it made me uncomfortable, I woimd be reassessing my relationship with dp