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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband wont let my friend stay at christmas although my friend will be alone

181 replies

imnosupernanny · 04/12/2019 12:37

Hi

One of my best friends who is a male had lived with us for a few months as he was homeless after his relationship with his parents broke down (he is a student in his late twenties). He returned to uni this autumn, far away.
He will be alone in university halls this Christmas, and it breaks my heart. My husband refuses to let him come and stay with us. He knows this is really upsetting me but he says I must choose between Christmas and him and that if my friend comes then he (my husband) will leave. We have three sons. We all got on fine with my friend when we were living together but my husband is jealous of how well me and my friend get on.
However I cant understand how cold hearted my husband is being, refusing to let him stay just for a few days, when otherwise he will be alone.
I dont know what to do. This is my house too and I know how upset I will feel at christmas knowing my friend is alone. Please advise.

OP posts:
MsRomanoff · 04/12/2019 18:01

And is it right he has only been left since september?

ReanimatedSGB · 04/12/2019 18:02

I'm getting the impression that OP is actually prioritizing the friend over her DC, as well. What do they think of him, OP? And how does he relate to them? If you're planning to spend the weekend before Christmas with your friend and without the DC, don't you think your DC might be a bit upset?

TechnicalSergeantGarp · 04/12/2019 18:14

I'm with your DH

I think your priorities are all wrong. I love Christmas with the DC and think you should prioritise them.

I would not be happy if DH had a jolly the weekend before Christmas because we have a limit of time and cash.

We have had a random family family member every year for 15 years. If rather it was just us. Even with that arrangement I think yabu.

Your friend could have dinner in the halls and volunteer, no need to be in his own.

FrancisCrawford · 04/12/2019 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charmlight · 04/12/2019 18:15

DBML has it. Turn it round.
We still don’t know why the man has no family contact. It’s unusual. There will be a reason.

I8toys · 04/12/2019 18:51

I'm with your husband. You need to be a family unit and its like having a constant lodger. A couple of hours over Christmas but not staying.

Needsomebottle · 04/12/2019 20:13

I agree with the many PP's. This is not your problem to fix. It was a nice thought but if the whole family isn't on board it's a no go. And it's their christmas too. I presume you have had many christmases without your friend, so it won't feel like something is lacking, but it would change the dynamic for your husband and it's the time of year that he too undoubtedly looks forward to.

This is your friend's reality. I think offering him practical advice to fill his time would be better. He's presumably in a city? There will be loads of good causes crying out for volunteers for on Christmas day and in the time leading up to it - hospitals, shelters, help the aged to name a few. Whilst not ideal perhaps, he is actually in a position to spread a lot of joy over Christmas, which in turn would probably bring him happiness and satisfaction. I would suggest that and let your family have your time together.

Malvinaa81 · 04/12/2019 20:23

You are wrong to want this person to stay yet another time, and I question your motives.

Time to lessen the "friendship" with this male.

If he's on his own then it is highly likely this is his own doing.

Your husband is quite right and you need to understand this more quickly.

Wonkybanana · 04/12/2019 20:26

Somehow I don't think the OP will be back. This hasn't gone the way she hoped.

Hopoindown31 · 04/12/2019 20:34

Doubt OP will be back either she has got the memo or she has put her head in the sand. Her DH has a huge list of legitimate reasons not to want this man in his house over Christmas yet she can't empathise with even one of them.

MsRomanoff · 04/12/2019 20:59

I predict this man will be visiting at Easter and all next summer.

Then op will be all baffled as to why her husband decides he has had enough.

MsRomanoff · 04/12/2019 21:00

Would also be interested to know who funds this mans travel and stays.....since he doesnt have much money.

Homeless with no money, how do you pay rent for 12 weeks?

Original poster
imnosupernanny · 04/12/2019 21:30

Um actually I have been mulling things over and gave also been busy with my family. Its been very helpful to read w everyone's thoughts on this. I see things much more from my husbands perspectives now. I can make peace with him not coming and I'm sure he will be ok on his own, I will suggest he works or helps a charity out. I have also reconsidered visiting him the weekend before christmas. I will discuss with my husband and take his opinion on board. Really I just wanted to take him a food delivery, check how he is doing and give him a christmas gift. For those who think I'm having sex with my friend, well, that's not the case. I just genuinely want to help him out and we have done just that. He is also my friend. So I thank everyone for their input. I dont put my head in the sand. That is just not me, I'm the opposite actually. However I and my husband are well aware that I get attached and want to help people too much. I think I'm good with the advice now, but thank you.

OP posts:
Mydogmylife · 04/12/2019 21:51

Op glad to see your latest update - this situation was so heading to/already was an emotional affair!

MsRomanoff · 04/12/2019 22:50

OP, if you are well aware that you get attached and want to help people too much, why was your husbands opinion on this not enough?

If you aware you tend to do things, that end up making your husband uncomfortable or causing you issues in the long run, your husband will soon get tired of being ignored.

You need to start taking his opinion into account, on it's own merit. Not because mners agree with him.

user1481840227 · 04/12/2019 23:20

Did he even want to come to your house for Christmas or was it all you insisting on it?
Some people would rather be on their own at Christmas rather than with another family for the sake of it

Hithere2 · 04/12/2019 23:24

Team dh

Coyoacan · 05/12/2019 00:04

Glad to see you have taken our advice on board, OP.

wombat1a · 05/12/2019 03:53

I'm with your DH on this one, he ash already had 'your' friend stay for a few months and now assuming he working this a few days that he gets to have off and relax and the last thing he wants is someone else in the house who is your special male friend.

Your relationship with your SMF is getting between you and your DH, choose one or the other and stick to your choice and leave the one you don't choose.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 05/12/2019 04:05

Good to see your update but my god you should’ve given your head a wobble way before now.

I have to say if I was your DH I’d be suspicious too but not from a sexual angle but concerns about your friend potentially using your obvious good nature to take advantage.

You speak about your friend like he’s a dependent. Try and put the needs of your existing dependents (your three DS’) first.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/12/2019 07:52

I can make peace with him not coming but do think why this is how you describe your decision. Not that you see how destructive your 'saviour complex' is to your marriage, but that you can let this one go a little.

That whole post is still about your friend and your DH gets a word or two. You really don't seem to value him, his opinion.

Sorry to pick at that post but, whilst you are pondering I dont put my head in the sand. That is just not me, I'm the opposite actually. many posters reading your OP will look askance at that. Your written word says the exact opposite, that you do put your head in the sand. Once you have decided what you would like to do it seems to be very dificult to get you to rethink, no matter what the methood used. Your DH had to threaten to leave you and still you came here to say you thought he was being cold hearted and mean.

I hope this works out for you, but don't be surprised if your DH is still angry with you.

funnylittlefloozie · 05/12/2019 08:00

I have to say if I was your DH I’d be suspicious too but not from a sexual angle but concerns about your friend potentially using your obvious good nature to take advantage.

I think this as well. You are obviously a kind and welcoming person, OP, but perhaps your DH can see the other side of your friend. Has your friend ever asked you to lend him money?

misspiggy19 · 05/12/2019 08:10

OP, if you are well aware that you get attached and want to help people too much, why was your husbands opinion on this not enough?

^This. Your husbands patience will soon run out.

Patroclus · 05/12/2019 08:35

Your friend sounds like peep show Jeremy.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 05/12/2019 10:55

That’s made my day @Patroclus