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Original poster

Husband wont let my friend stay at christmas although my friend will be alone

181 replies

imnosupernanny · 04/12/2019 12:37

One of my best friends who is a male had lived with us for a few months as he was homeless after his relationship with his parents broke down (he is a student in his late twenties). He returned to uni this autumn, far away.
He will be alone in university halls this Christmas, and it breaks my heart. My husband refuses to let him come and stay with us. He knows this is really upsetting me but he says I must choose between Christmas and him and that if my friend comes then he (my husband) will leave. We have three sons. We all got on fine with my friend when we were living together but my husband is jealous of how well me and my friend get on.
However I cant understand how cold hearted my husband is being, refusing to let him stay just for a few days, when otherwise he will be alone.
I dont know what to do. This is my house too and I know how upset I will feel at christmas knowing my friend is alone. Please advise.

OP posts:

otterturk · 04/12/2019 12:57

Your husband sounds like a prat and you should tell him so. Seriously unkind of him. I would not take this from my partner.

onanothertrain · 04/12/2019 13:00

Have you posted about this before? Your husband was upset because you used to sit next to your friend with your head on his shoulder.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 04/12/2019 13:01

He has stayed before and now hes fallen out with his family again and you want him to stay again I'm not surprised you're dh doesnt want him.to stay a second time, it changes the dynamics let another friend take him in.

EmmiJay · 04/12/2019 13:02

Your husband sounds jealous. Won't he be at home with you both at the same time?? Is he worried you and your friend are going to have a bunk up behind the christmas tree?! He needs to relax and realise you're a decent person who wants to help a friend have a good christmas. Meanie man.

snowybaubles · 04/12/2019 13:03

I wouldn't want a friend of mine never mind DH's, regardless of their sex, staying over at Christmas. For me that's huge family time and I wouldn't break that to accommodate someone who has fallen out with their own family. It's a huge ask.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 04/12/2019 13:03

You could perhaps send him some xmas type food and drink via an online supermarket shop if he has no money?

dontgobaconmyheart · 04/12/2019 13:04

Do you have feelings for this friend OP? You sound very invested. Whilst it's not ideal to spend xmas alone, it's hardly the end of the world and many people do. Your friends issues with his family and lack if money etc sound like they are his own to deal with as an adult. This friend is hardly an injured kitten dying out in the snow that your evil DH refuses to have in the house!

Re: your DH, I think it's fair enough to not want to spend xmas in your own house with a person you don't enjoy the company of, when you could just spend time together . I would tell him I do not appreciate manipulative ultimatums though, and will not respond to them. Why can't you and your DH just discuss the ins and ours of it rationally and without the drama of ultimatums.

OrangeZog · 04/12/2019 13:05

I guess it comes down to your priorities - your husband and children’s Christmas, who are four people you have responsibilities towards, or somebody else who is an adult and perfectly capable of having Christmas elsewhere.

Dyrne · 04/12/2019 13:06

I think this is an opportunity to gently encourage your friend to build up his own network locally. Inviting him to stay ad hoc may make you feel better but doesn’t actually help him with his isolation/loneliness in the long run. What’s his plan for the Summer, come and stay with you again?

If it’s a University town odds are that there will be plenty going on over the Christmas period - universities often do something so that people aren’t alone on Christmas Day (usually led for the foreign students but should be open to everyone). Alternatively has he looked locally outside of the University to see if there is a Community Christmas lunch planned? They’re getting more and more popular.

It’s a bit late for him to be signing up for volunteer shifts at the bigger charities but there may be an opportunity to help out at a more local community/university event if he looked?

I understand you want to help your friend but you can’t constantly be his safety net - it’s not fair on him and it’s not fair on your family.

plumebaby · 04/12/2019 13:08

I’m sorry OP but I’m on the side of your DH. Your kids come first at Xmas and if having a family only xmas is important to your DH then that wins I’m afraid. I’m normally very rarely on the side of an argumentative DH but I am in this case. He’s already put him up. He’s at uni and surely has other friends he can go home with. You aren’t he’s “only” person. You seem to need to be needed. It’s not your job to save him. There is no way on earth I’d have one of my husbands friends in my house on Xmas day. I like it solitary. I don’t want to have to make conversation. I sit in my arse on the sofa and watch the TV. It’s my xmas and I get to say how I spend it. I spend the other 364 days of the year facilitating and taking care of everybody else’s needs. Your focus on xmas day should be on your immediate family.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/12/2019 13:09

Well I think in part it depends why he's jealous.

Jealous because he doesn't like you having male friends or jealous because you're up til 1 am every night giggling with him? Also if you're the only friend this guy has I can see why it feel pretty intense from your DH's point of view.

But I'd really look differently at someone who could be sso hard hearted at Christmas because he couldn't control his jealousy / didn't trust me

gamerchick · 04/12/2019 13:09

Have you posted about this before? Your husband was upset because you used to sit next to your friend with your head on his shoulder

I wondered that as well.

OP your husband doesn't want your friend there. He is your priority and if you are the head in shoulder of friend poster, I don't blame your husband.

Molteni · 04/12/2019 13:10

There is nothing cold-hearted about it is there. We’re talking about someone in their late-twenties, who’s already stayed with you for months. Seriously, there are worse things in the world than having to spend Christmas alone. Might even do him some good. Self-reliance, becoming an adult and all that.

SickNotes · 04/12/2019 13:11

He needs to relax and realise you're a decent person who wants to help a friend have a good christmas. Meanie man.

A 'meanie man' would not have had the friend to stay for a period of several months.

OP, I think you're way over-invested in the drama of the Lonely Christmas in Halls. It's no big deal. Your friend needs to deal with the consequences of his falling out with his family. He's in his late 20s, so not some clueless teenager thrown cruelly out into the world. Yoou and your husband and children have been very kind to have him to stay this year, but I don't think him defaulting to you is necessarily a healthy thing. And honestly, your DH has been very decent in having him to stay with you, especially if he doesn't much like him, or finds your friendship grating at close quarters -- I would prioritise his wishes at Christmas.

SickNotes · 04/12/2019 13:14

Oh, and I'm the daughter of someone who was a magnet for every waif and stray at Christmas time. Yes, absolutely, she was charitable in inviting them to our tiny, overcrowded house, but what it taught her children was that total strangers who asked her for something were more important than her own children at Christmas. And also that sometimes there were very obvious reasons why no one wanted to celebrate Christmas with these unpleasant people.

benandhollyagaaain · 04/12/2019 13:15

Did you post previously about falling asleep on the sofa with your friend and your husband being annoyed? If you are that poster I agree with your husband. You crossed boundaries when he lived with you and spending Xmas together would not be wise

Beautiful3 · 04/12/2019 13:16

I agree with your husband. You need to put your family first. It wont upset your friend to be alone on Christmas day, many other people do it.

Charmlight · 04/12/2019 13:18

Why is he estranged from his family? Something fairly major must have gone off if they’re not engaging even for Christmas?

MaybeDoctor · 04/12/2019 13:22

Hmm. On the whole I think he is old enough to make his own arrangements for Christmas. Is there no extended family he can go to visit? The university will also be doing things at Christmas, as suggested above.

I also suspect that there might be more than meets the eye to the estrangement. You have heard his side of the story, but could there be more to it?

I would also be cautious about encouraging a man who is not an immediate family member to become so embedded in your family life.

ReanimatedSGB · 04/12/2019 13:23

I can see why this is a bit tricky all round. However, OP:
Is the friend a lot younger than you, ie do you consider him more as a younger sibling or another child? Or is he close to you in age ie someone who could be seen as a potential partner?
Is your H generally accommodating of your other friends and interests, or is he the sort who resents anything which takes your attention away from servicing him?

The monogamy police will no doubt be all over the thread, but monogamy isn't the most important thing in the world anyway. It's not unreasonable to be sorry for a friend and want to give them a place to be for Christmas, but neither is it unreasonable not to want to share your home with every passing stray dog (particularly if you have already had several months of this particular person who you have llittle in common with.)

FrangipaniBlue · 04/12/2019 13:23

Would your husband feel the same if your friend was female?

If yes and it's a case of you immersed yourself too much in your friend and the expense of your family then maybe he had a point.......

But if not and it's based purely on the fact your friend is male then your DH being a cold hearted ass along with all the other meanies on this thread.

OneBeeTwoBee · 04/12/2019 13:24

You sound more of a couple than you and your dh! Do you secretly love him? 🤔

Jozen · 04/12/2019 13:28

I suspect your DH has some concerns about your friend staying for Christmas as it's a possibility he will have some issues with Uni and end up staying for months again.

Patroclus · 04/12/2019 13:29

Hes late 20s, not a 5 year old expecting santa to show up. He needs to learn to deal with his reality.

cushioncovers · 04/12/2019 13:31

I agree with your dh on this

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