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Original poster

Husband wont let my friend stay at christmas although my friend will be alone

181 replies

imnosupernanny · 04/12/2019 12:37

Hi

One of my best friends who is a male had lived with us for a few months as he was homeless after his relationship with his parents broke down (he is a student in his late twenties). He returned to uni this autumn, far away.
He will be alone in university halls this Christmas, and it breaks my heart. My husband refuses to let him come and stay with us. He knows this is really upsetting me but he says I must choose between Christmas and him and that if my friend comes then he (my husband) will leave. We have three sons. We all got on fine with my friend when we were living together but my husband is jealous of how well me and my friend get on.
However I cant understand how cold hearted my husband is being, refusing to let him stay just for a few days, when otherwise he will be alone.
I dont know what to do. This is my house too and I know how upset I will feel at christmas knowing my friend is alone. Please advise.

OP posts:
snowybaubles · 04/12/2019 14:24

@DarlingNikita

You are missing so much. Nevermind.

DarlingNikita · 04/12/2019 14:28

You are missing so much. Grin

saraclara · 04/12/2019 14:30

You're putting your friend ahead of your husband and children. Your wishes do not trump theirs. For some people, Christmas is very much family time, and that's okay.

Whiskers14 · 04/12/2019 14:31

I'm curious, OP – how exactly did you two become friends?

Zaphodsotherhead · 04/12/2019 14:35

He's late twenties, is estranged from his family, has no friends... He sounds like he's a loner who may well prefer Christmas on his own rather than having to conform to a 'Happy Family Christmas'.

He will be fine on his own. He's not freezing on a street corner. he can cook himself a lunch and watch Netflix all day, he won't die.

Your DH sounds like he's put up with enough, and you sound just a wee bit smitten with your 'friend'.

Sunflower20 · 04/12/2019 14:48

Not fair on your DH. How long have you been friends with this guy?

peachescariad · 04/12/2019 14:49

How come you're friends with someone that young? I take it your DH is similar age to you then? Friend is late 20s and you're around 40 if you're 12 years older?
So he's got no family and no friends?......sorry I'm with your DH and it just sounds weird to me

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/12/2019 14:50

I am aware that my husband felt threatened by my friendship with him

And yet you're still inviting him into your home for Christmas?

Sorry, but I think YABU. You're husband must feel like second fiddle.

I think you need to have a serious think about the priorities in your life.

Your friend is an adult and can look after himself.

Orangeandlemon · 04/12/2019 14:52

OP- I'd put my family first. I'd not want my DH's female friend to come with us and stay over Xmas, regardless of her being alone or not. I was single for a long time and had a few Xmasses on my own, not a huge deal. I had been invited to friends but felt like the 5th wheel on a cart, so I'd rather be alone.

Jux · 04/12/2019 14:56

Have you actually asked your dh why he doesn't want your friend there? Without rancour, of course. Find out what the problem is, don't assume jealousy or feeling threatened or whatever else you've come up with. Ask. Find out. Assume the best, not the worst.

Your friend will be fine, btw; being alone at Christmas can be a choice too. Maybe he will decide, in the face of reality, that he could enjoy it, or do something useful like help out at a soup kitchen or something.

I do have quite a few friends who prefer Xmas alone. Year after year I feel bad for them, but they do honestly want to do it their way. Your friend can make his own traditions without let or hindrance. I know it's possible.

Whattodoabout · 04/12/2019 14:56

I can see both sides tbh. Even if DH wanted a male friend to come and stay for Christmas I’d be pissed off, it just adds a new dynamic to your family Christmas and some people don’t want that.

steff13 · 04/12/2019 14:57

This is a situation where I'm curious what the husband's side of the story is. This is a grown man, late 20s, who has fallen out with his family, doesn't seem to have many close friends, though the OP says he's her best friend she doesn't seem to know his family herself. Is it possible, OP, that you're seeing your friend through rose-colored glasses? Maybe your husband has a legitimate reason for not liking him that extends beyond jealousy.

qazxc · 04/12/2019 14:59

I also have had plenty of Christmases alone and it's not a big deal.
You get yourself some nice nibbles, comfy Pj's and can watch christmas telly/ read/ basically just lounge about. It's cozy and stress free.

Aridane · 04/12/2019 15:01

I also was going to ask if you were the poster falling asleep with your head on 'friend's' shoulder and wondered why DP wasn't thrilled

PurpleCrazyHorse · 04/12/2019 15:02

I wouldn't want to feel like I was unable to join conversations my husband was having with an old uni friend for days over Christmas. It sounds like he felt pretty left out when your friend stayed before and doesn't fancy a repeat. Your friend has chosen a uni destination a long way from you and that means you can't always do what you'd like.

Could he come down for Christmas lunch, say in a Travelodge Christmas night and then go home from there after breakfast? He gets to have a nice Christmas dinner with you but isn't staying for days.

I would also be pretty hacked off if DH went off on a weekend jolly to see a friend the week before Christmas when we usually have loads to do getting ready especially with kids. The weekend before is pretty close this year too. The kids have finished school, we're both winding down in work and I want to get the house ready, food in etc.

CustardySergeant · 04/12/2019 15:04

otterturk "Your husband sounds like a prat and you should tell him so. Seriously unkind of him. I would not take this from my partner."

You wouldn't take it? So what would you do exactly?

TitianaTitsling · 04/12/2019 15:12

we like to chat about deep stuff like the meaning of life for example, in the kitchen, so my husband was welcome to join in but he doesn't do chatting especially on thoughtful subjects that sounds a bit derogatory towards your husband, and quite excluding.

Coyoacan · 04/12/2019 15:13

I think your husband has shown that he is not a jealous controlling type when you had your friend to stay. It just sounds like your friend didn't make much of an effort to befriend your husband while he was living in your house.

I had a friend live with us for several years and we were all upset when she moved out as she was such a wonderful addition to our family.

I'm with your husband on this. It is not about jealousy. Your friend obviously made on effort with anyone except for you when he stayed in your house.

Atalune · 04/12/2019 15:19

I think that your husband and friend don’t get along. And that’s sad, but ultimately your Dh comes first.

Friend has issues, so much so that he is completely alone for Christmas bar you? Why is that? That’s a worry.

Bibidy · 04/12/2019 15:19

OP are you the person who posted a while back about falling asleep on their friend on the sofa and their DH didn't like it? Sounds like a very similar set up if not!

If you are, then I think you need to listen to your husband's feelings on this. I do appreciate that this man is your friend and you want to help him, but honestly he needs to find some other people to support him as well. You have already been so good to him, and so has your DH.

Could arrange to see him over the Christmas period, perhaps go and visit him at his, but not on Christmas Day? That way he has something to look forward to you and you're not winding your husband up.

Sure he might feel a bit low being alone on Christmas Day, but that is due to his own lack of relationship with his own family, not because you haven't invited him over.

DarlingNikita · 04/12/2019 15:21

OP are you the person who posted a while back about falling asleep on their friend on the sofa and their DH didn't like it?

The OP said ages ago no. Not that you're the only one to still be asking.

Bibidy · 04/12/2019 15:22

OP, I've just spotted you're not the poster I referred to, so I'm sorry for that.

I still stand by my main point though - you are not responsible for your friend and perhaps a Christmas alone will help him spend some time thinking of how he could resolve the issues with everyone else in his life, or at least how he could branch out so you're not the only person he can rely on.

You sound like a kind person, but he needs to stand on his own two feet. You have done so much already.

FrenchJunebug · 04/12/2019 15:24

I think your husband is BVU. Xmas is the period for sharing which also means opening your house for a few days to someone who would otherwise be lonely. It's not about spending hundred of pounds. You have the rest of the year to enjoy your family.

Ragwort · 04/12/2019 15:32

Your friend is being totally over reliant on you. It is very telling that he has fallen out with his own family and any other friends. There will be lots he could do in his university town if he put his mind to it, he should speak to the student union, there are bound to be other students in the same position.

You sound over invested in the friendship yourself, sitting up and talking about the meaning of life, Hmm no wonder your DH doesn’t want him to stay, he’s been very accommodating to put him up for 4 months already.

superfandango · 04/12/2019 15:59

we like to chat about deep stuff like the meaning of life for example, in the kitchen, so my husband was welcome to join in but he doesn't do chatting especially on thoughtful subjects

If that's indicative of your attitude it 1) Makes you and your pal sound a pair of pricks 2) makes me unsurprised that your husband doesn't fancy being a third wheel in his own home.