Leaving alcoholic husband

[helloblodyn]

My husband drinks around 70 units a week, has fallen i to a self loathing with work/life, says he hates life in general and feels that he cannot cope with being a new father. He is receiving professional help for an eating disorder.

Throughout my pregnancy and our babys short life so far we have been in a cycle of arguments which end up in me being blamed for whatever worries he has. The situation is emotionally abusive eg I am told to shut up if I bring up his drinking, called an idiot, he threatens me with his own life, he tells me I need to change, he says i am 50% responsible for this, threatens to sell the house, tells me I need to work longer hours so he can go part time.

I have decided I've had enough but when I have told him we would be better separated for baby's sake before this affects my wellbeing anymore he refuses to accept it, raises an argument then some time later carries on as if nothing has happened. Makes comments about looking forward to future events. He is in complete denial and terrified of what 'the world' will think if his perfect life turns out to be a fraud. He seems to only think about himself.

Has anyone had any experience of this type of situation who can share their experiences?

Fantastic update OP. I hope others who are in your position reading this take heart & get themselves & their children out. I wish you & your little one a wonderful future

Hope everyone is safe and well and once again i am so grateful for you all helping me through this huge life event. This thread really did help me in some of the darker times to keep going and gave me reassurance that my decision was valid.
We are doing really well and I'm able to set boundaries much easier with ex as I have my own space :)

So delighted that you have come back to update. You really are a huge success story. You have given your DC and yourself the most incredible gift. I hope lots of people read this thread and see how it can be achieved and how amazing, peaceful and calm life is on the other side.

Sounds like you have given your DC an attentive, happy, balanced, consistent home life and mother which would not have been possible if you were under the same roof of a disturbed, chaotic, abusive addict - as your finite energy and focus would be diverted to fire fight his behaviors and there would be little left for your DC.

You should be very proud. You did this for your DC. If you are still in therapy (or even if you are not) I would reflect on why you thought this relationship was good enough for you to tolerate before you had DC because anyone deserves more. What things did you ignore / were not good enough, that you put up with because it’s important to understand this for future relationships.

Wonderful update! I'm so glad you have a new life without him in your living space and with strong boundaries in place. Onward and upward!

Well done so proud of you. I spk as an alcoholic in recovery. Unfortunately we leave a tide of distraction in our wake. Reading your thread has helped me remember why I am glad to be sober. 😊😊

Should be distruction not distraction x

Thanks everyone. I have had a lot of therapy and am currently on hiatus from this as there wasn't much left to talk about but I recommend it to everyone. I am continuously asking myself these questions and wondering how I got into this situation. My outlook, desires and tolerance have completely changed. But I have learnt and grown so much since the start of this relationship and become a mother which changes everything.

Ex continues to try to take my energy but i definitely feel on the higher ground now and there isn't much at all he can use against me anymore. The change in myself has been huge and I feel myself for the first time in a long while. I have learnt so much about personalities, legalities and what I want :)

I've had a few people pm me throughout this thread who were unable to comment on here and i really hope they're ok and happy and safe

Seeing someone get out, work through therapy and emerge stronger and happier is the outcome everyone wants to see. Life with an addict drains so much out of you and it's hard work putting it back. Kudos to you for doing all that, and if taking a hiatus from therapy feels right, chances are that it is.

Your ex will be part of your life because you share a child, but you set the boundaries, he keeps to them and that's how it is. Go you!

Sounds like you have done all of that hard emotional work through therapy already - it’s amazing when you are on the other side isn’t it? Life is so simple and peaceful when you are clear who you are and your self worth.

Your thread is amazing and it should be an inspiration and motivation to many who need to shift gears in order to extract themselves from a futile situation. It seems that you also had emotional support from family and friends which I believe is always there once we get over the “shame” of sharing the problem - IME they often already know and are waiting for you to make the first move.

I also believe that throwing light on this darkness is the best thing that you can do for the addict even though they may struggle initially - it can be the wake up call they need and if it isn’t then it becomes clear that they were never going to change.

Absolutely. The narcissism will never change and even now he feels I should have done more to help him. My family have commented that I appear 'my old self' again which has been interesting as it obviously projects out to people too. It's so lovely to plan days out with baby finally and not have a load of 'life admin' to do!

Hi everyone- I feel you know me so well on here now I just needed someone to vent to but starting a new thread to explain would take forever.

I have met someone new 6 months ago, quite unexpected but feels right. my ex has been made aware of my new relationship and obviously has taken it badly (I told him as things were going well and was considering introducing to my LO). At the last drop off he arrived early and let himself into the house to look around and see what was going on. My new man was there at the time and i was at the shop. I was so upset on arriving back as i felt he has invaded my space (never been allowed in) and taken advantage of the situation. My LO was crying because she obviously felt tension. New man felt helpless as didn't know the usual routine and my LO was used as a but of a shield by the coward so he didn't confront him.

He is now obsessed with asking what i am doing every weekend, not ever asking about LO only who i am with. So the multiple messages have started again. He is consumed by jealousy but I am anxious that it is going to impact on LO and I don't want him saying anything negative to her. I have recently introduced them and all I can say is he is wonderful and it's taken me some time to realise what a 'normal' partner is like. I am not rushing anything and just enjoying having look after me and have company. He has a LO too and it's lovely to be able to have days out together.

My ex thought that single mums were a tragedy and so never expected anyone to look at me. To the point that I had started to believe him until my house got sorted and i was reborn again! I am so happy and content now, I wish he could just leave me be and accept that my happiness means LO will benefit.

Ex is still seeing her at his parents and she is still staying in a travel cot. She is now in a bed at mine and potty trained and I've said she cannot go there unless he can provide a bed. He's using this need to contact him to throw abuse at me. Calls me 'stonewalled and cold' (greyrock) and keeps accusing me of things that aren't true (i have texts to look back on to double check he is gasslighting). Dreading ever other weekend coming around and wish i could just keep her here with me and that he'll lose interest to be honest. She seems to just be a reason for him to be able to see me.

Rant over!

So she's gone 2 now? Yes, she needs a proper bed. Toddler beds can so easily be sourced off eBay or Gumtree or Facebook selling pages - this is just laziness on his part.

You need to put a stop to him letting himself into the house. That isn't acceptable. You're divorced, end of.

He has a cotbed which Ilwas sourced for him during the split- its in the garage at his parents he never put it up. He would need to buy a mattress though which is probably the issue...

Yeah, that sounds plausible. Actually paying for his child - probably not his thing. One good thing about my late husband, he was always more than fair financially. You should probably just tell him straight out that he needs to put up the cot bed and get a mattress for it, because his DD is growing up and deserves what's right for her.

Why has he got your key?

He doesn't have a key and has never been inside the house- he turned up early and followed my boyfriend in when he saw him get back from the car

Ah, I see. Then you need to brief your boyfriend that he is not allowed in, and to call the police if he forces his way in.

Just seen now this update @helloblodyn.

How are things now?

This is a shocking transgression he sounds v possessive and jealous.

Every minute action needs to be recorded because he sounds obsessive and potentially dangerous.

This needs nipping in the bud.

Talk to his family if they were supportive before. Flush him out.

Or seek support from a DA charity or the police if he continues to harass you.

Don’t engage with him directly. Ask him once to leave you alone and that you will read emails once a week on x day and respond only to anything relevant to you DD. Tell him that your emails will be screened by a friend before you read them.

Take away his power.

@helloblodyn

He doesn't have a key and has never been inside the house- he turned up early and followed my boyfriend in when he saw him get back from the car

Seems that he is stalking your home. Get a ring doorbell and if you see him hanging around call the police. This is very serious and disturbing behavior. Don’t minimise it.

@helloblodyn congratulations! I find you a source of hope in my current position. I would be grateful if you could tell me which agencies were helpful,particularly with legal advice. Thanks so much.

It's just a bloody annoying thing to have happened really, it was all very upsetting. I've discussed with him and told him my position on this and that he is not allowed to enter my home or ask about my personal life. Unfortunately the stance of total no contact doesn't work for me as i need to know she is ok when with him and due to experience i do need that communication

[quote fairytwinkletastic]@helloblodyn congratulations! I find you a source of hope in my current position. I would be grateful if you could tell me which agencies were helpful,particularly with legal advice. Thanks so much.[/quote]
Aww thank you and sorry you're in that position. It does get better but it needs a lot of energy.
I found this forum very helpful. I did a lot of counselling and looked around for a solicitor I got on with.

Also wanted to say congratulations @helloblodyn for moving yourself and your child out of this mess and how wonderful that you are in a new relationship. Well deserved after all of the hard emotional work you have covered.

Not sure if you have seen this thread - might be interesting to you.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4349338-Liz-Frazers-memoir-about-life-with-an-abusive-alcoholic

[quote Sssloou]Also wanted to say congratulations @helloblodyn for moving yourself and your child out of this mess and how wonderful that you are in a new relationship. Well deserved after all of the hard emotional work you have covered.

Not sure if you have seen this thread - might be interesting to you.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4349338-Liz-Frazers-memoir-about-life-with-an-abusive-alcoholic[/quote]
Thank you so much. Approaching the new relationship with caution but learning constantly that my previous experience is not 'normal'
Thank you for all your contributions to this thread, and I will take a look at your link now x

@helloblodyn - wondering how you and your child are doing now - 2 years after you started this thread and the bump in the road when your ex behaved badly at the news of your new relationship?

I have been on this thread from the start (name changed now) - but you have been a real inspiration to others by showing how you have taken action to ensure a better life for you and your DC.