Leaving alcoholic husband

[helloblodyn]

My husband drinks around 70 units a week, has fallen i to a self loathing with work/life, says he hates life in general and feels that he cannot cope with being a new father. He is receiving professional help for an eating disorder.

Throughout my pregnancy and our babys short life so far we have been in a cycle of arguments which end up in me being blamed for whatever worries he has. The situation is emotionally abusive eg I am told to shut up if I bring up his drinking, called an idiot, he threatens me with his own life, he tells me I need to change, he says i am 50% responsible for this, threatens to sell the house, tells me I need to work longer hours so he can go part time.

I have decided I've had enough but when I have told him we would be better separated for baby's sake before this affects my wellbeing anymore he refuses to accept it, raises an argument then some time later carries on as if nothing has happened. Makes comments about looking forward to future events. He is in complete denial and terrified of what 'the world' will think if his perfect life turns out to be a fraud. He seems to only think about himself.

Has anyone had any experience of this type of situation who can share their experiences?

So maybe just check with your solicitor that you don’t get trapped / stitched up here....

Whatever decision you make have your eyes wide open.

I don’t think that access and finances are legally related at all. He may (blackmail) say to you that you can do whatever you want access wise in return for less money - then once the finances are (unfairly) split - he comes back to renegotiate the access arrangement through courts. He can do this at anytime in your DDs life. Some men enjoy harassing and punishing their xW’s this way - even though they don’t actually want access. So anticipate hostility. He may also block you moving later - so check that with your solicitor if you want that as an option in a couple of years.

If you are aware that’s a possibility and are happy with that just to escape then that’s fine.

I am sorry that the ILs are being less than sensitive and supportive - but it’s no surprise. This always happens because at the end of the day they were delighted that you had taken their problematic son of their hands and now he has boomeranged back.

Do not entertain any of it. He is solely responsible for his MH and addiction - this stuff was set in motion decades before you arrived on the scene.

Just keep doing everything you can to restore your energy and MH and make your life as easy and gentle as you can - so that you can focus and enjoy these lovely early days of motherhood.

"I agree a few weeks ago i had to listen to how much he was missing baby then when i offered to drive her there and back he 'checked his diary' and was busy"

Oh this is totally my H too. He goes through phases of pretending like he's dad of the year, DS is 7, H does almost no parenting and then he comes in declaring his "rights" and how his DS "needs" him.

So be on your guard with this chopping and changing. Mine declared in mediation that he wanted 50:50 custody. I was completely shocked because he's so disinterested.
It's about punishment and not wanting to pay maintenance and for my H who has alienated his family and doesn't have any solid friendships, it's about wanting DS there to keep him company when he's bored (he wanted the 50:50 to completely fit around him, as you can imagine).

Child arrangements are still to be made between us and I'm really scared about this bit.

How has your week been helloblodyn?

Hi, it's been up and down really. We had what I felt was a productive meet up to arrange things but he has since thought maybe best he gets more advice. Seems a way of delaying things or making me waste money on legal fees. I've been looking around at houses and trying to keep positive. He cares only for finances and is happy for baby and me to be worse off- he hadn't considered that where we lived would affect schools. Just doesn't think about anything more that what he will feed her at the weekend when he has her really...

Yes you have the measure of him.

Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

Get informed on all of the legal shit he will try to pull - be one step ahead. These types are not v original in their bullying and punishing tactics.

Look out for all of the stalling, punishing, coercive, brinkmanship, emotionally eroding tactics.

Invest in the best legal advice and keep your energy for you and your baby by compartmentalising him.

It’s likely to be slower and harder so try to manage your expectations. Try not to hang on to dates - eg being settled by Christmas as you might be disappointed - just take it one obstacle at a time. Keep open and flexible. Maybe rent so that you don’t get hung up on a nice property to buy and he manages to fuck that up - don’t give him opportunities to thwart.

OP I completely echo what @Sssloou has just said. This has been my experience exactly and very eloquently and succinctly put.
I strongly suspect your H is completely incapable of being an adult but like all alcoholics, he will be expert at disguising this and projecting the problems it causes onto everyone else. Do not expect him to take any responsibility for anything and yet complain about everything. He will have a huge misplaced sense of entitlement. Disengage from all this sort of behaviour.

What both Sssloou and Tiddleypops wrote. Do take heed

re your comment:-
"Just doesn't think about anything more that what he will feed her at the weekend when he has her really..."

Do you think he is responsible enough to at all have her on the weekends?. I would certainly also look at formalizing all contact arrangements re your daughter through the use of a contact centre. He can barely look after his own self and his primary relationship is still with drink. He could well dump her on his parents whilst he continues drinking.

Your own recovery from his alcoholism (and its also known as the family disease) will only properly start when you have fully extricated yourself from him.

How are you doing @helloblodyn?

I am doing ok thank you. I appreciate all the advice and concerns about his state but I wish for my baby to continue knowing her extended family and won't put in place an order to prevent that- it wouldn't get passed anyway. As long as she is safe and having a nice time I am happy. The arrangement is for her to stay with in laws and they are the main carers not him. I am confident in their abilities. He seems to be cooperating at the moment so just seeing how the legal side works out to make this official.
I feel very overwhelmed and tired of it all and feel my time with baby isn't as good as it could be- i've got so many things on my mind. I just need to try to get this sorted so i can move on and remove some of my stresses and unknowns.

I remember that his family were v supportive of you in the early days so it’s great that they are still involved and will be there for your DD. It’s tough going but you are in a much better place than you were this time last year and once you push through the legals life will be much easier - hope that you can pace yourself and find time to rebalance and restore.

When I left my ex he contacted my solicitor demanding his right to see his daughter. As his mistress had made threats to kidnap her, he was told that supervised visitation would be arranged for him. He immediately wrote back to say that the car was acting up so best to leave things as they were

My daughter is now 27 (she was 18 months at the time) and has never seen him since. Not that she cares 😀

@AmberAndAlexsMum

When I left my ex he contacted my solicitor demanding his right to see his daughter. As his mistress had made threats to kidnap her, he was told that supervised visitation would be arranged for him. He immediately wrote back to say that the car was acting up so best to leave things as they were

My daughter is now 27 (she was 18 months at the time) and has never seen him since. Not that she cares 😀

Wow. He seems happy with the current arrangements which is fine and so I don't expect anything to be brought up. I do wish I had more support nearby as it is hard work by myself with her- there is no me time at all.

Hi everyone! Decree absolute applied for and orders pretty much settled. May get my paperwork through soon- coming up to the birthday of this post. Thank you all for all your support although I don't know you this thread has helped me through xx

I grew up with an alcoholic father and I am currently receiving CBT for help with anxiety which we have partly to linked to the anxiety which started in child hood and the instability with an alcoholic father. The only advice I can give really is keep you and your child safe and do what is best for you both even if that means leaving him. I have so much compassion for alcoholics as they are addicts but remember it is a hard battle to fight for them and that's if they are able to fight it not all are

@helloblodyn - how are you feeling?

Hi, thanks for messaging. Feeling up and down but nearing the finish line. Feel a lot of hope and positivity when I imagine being free of the final constraints and control of the joint house and finances and having my own place and own decisions. Still feel overwhelmed about not having family nearby and with the current restrictions very isolated but keep telling myself this is an exceptional situation and hopefully it won't always be like this. This whole process has drained me I feel like a shell my skin is absolutely rubbish and the bags under my eyes oh my!!! Guess what it's still the right decision looking back at my utter despair this time last year... it's certainly been a life lesson x

You are probably deep in the trough of this process legally, emotionally and physically right now. Add on COVID and I can only imagine it’s barely tolerable most of the time - so it’s important to seek the love and support of your friends and family - and cut yourself some slack if possible.

But it is temporary and all you can do is take it step by step and day by day.

What is your best outcome? Is this moving closer to you family? Is there anything you can do to make this happen?

@helloblodyn I know those feelings well, I am at a similar stage. I'm tired, my brain is busy, I'm not really in great mum mode, but equally, without the fog of my XH in the way, I can see so much more clearly and my eyes are firmly fixed on my DS, myself and our futures. Oh how liberating.

You've got a great mindset already; you know this is temporary, you will get through, it's a tough phase but infinitely better than before. Yes to all of this.

@helloblodyn how are things looking for you now? Lockdown must have been v tough for you. Have you some nice plans for Xmas?

Hello, my house has sold and i have bought so in the process of the legal side. I will be able to see family for some of christmas but he house stuff has caused a huge ramp up in the amount of hassle i am getting from my ex. If i didnt need contact due to him having baby every so ofter i would block all contact. It has been really difficult, i have tried the grey rock method but sometimes he texts out of nowhere something really upsetting and triggering and i lose my control. I just hope everything moved as quickly as possible now

You must be exhausted and at the end of your tether - anyone would be even if just buying and selling a home - but you have the added pressure of a divorce, working and caring for a child alone in these v difficult times........and then you have the irrational raging addict punishing you for daring to expose / leave him.

That sounds intolerable.

No one deserves to be provoked, abused, harassed and punished like this. He is likely to continue to do this - can you ask him to stop, tell him that this is unwanted communication and you will only respond to his emails once a week on a Saturday for instance. Then divert all emails to a file and block on phone. You have no need to be the recipient of his anger and his communications are draining you and compromising your precious time with your baby. Don’t let him do this.

If the IL are still on side tell and show them and ask them to rein him in.

If no one does - get legal advice or speak with the police. This is DV and it needs to stop.

I hope that you can get through the next few weeks and find some respite with family and friends. Have you sought any professional emotional support - you sound like you are on your knees.

Don’t expect him to play nice ever - but he is not above the law.

I was considering speaking to someone yes. At the weekend I was sat minding my own business when the messages started asking who was there with me, threatening to take my LO so that he could 'rinse me' of child maintenance like i am doing now, that I do nothing.
I have spoken to IL and they said they've had a v difficult time as well.
By today i am getting messages from him that this hostility needs to stop and he's not happy that i'm not being amicable and talking to him properly. Like a split personality but i am fully experienced in this having lived here with him. I won't be giving away any details about my new home. Not sure how to manage all that as i expect things to ramp up now.
Once a week contact is hard as he expects to know that baby is ok every evening- if i dont message because i am doing XYZ he kicks off and says theres nothing i could be doing because i have all the time in the world, i work PT, rinse him of maintenance etc (which pays for 2 weeks of nursery only). Dont want him to refuse updates when he has baby as revenge. So yeah... would love to hear from anyone who has dealt with similar and how you handled it.

At the weekend I was sat minding my own business when the messages started asking who was there with me, threatening to take my LO so that he could 'rinse me' of child maintenance like i am doing now, that I do nothing.
I have spoken to IL and they said they've had a v difficult time as well.

OK. This is a very serious threat and you need to take some action to nip this in the bud to protect your sanity and your baby.

The IL step has been taken and not had any impact. It doesn’t matter if you JADE it and rationalise that he won’t carry out his threats.

Firstly he doesn’t get to threaten and bully and emotionally abuse you in your own home.

Secondly you don’t know if he won’t carry out his threats.

You don’t have to endure this. It’s DV. Seek some support from Woman’s Aid. These characters are so vengeful and unhinged they keep up the malicious punishment and revenge - his aim is to destroy you. Know that.

@helloblodyn - how are you getting on? Do you have enough support in RL?

I'm ok thank you yes family support is good, get lots of check in phonecalls every day. Luckily also able to see family at Christmas.

The harassment texts are still cropping up once in a while- last nice received 11 in a row because I didn't reply they kept coming. Face to face though he is a quivering wreck. I am powering through with getting all paper work done and hoping sale goes through quickly so that there is no reason to talk to me other than the welfare of baby.