Leaving alcoholic husband

[helloblodyn]

My husband drinks around 70 units a week, has fallen i to a self loathing with work/life, says he hates life in general and feels that he cannot cope with being a new father. He is receiving professional help for an eating disorder.

Throughout my pregnancy and our babys short life so far we have been in a cycle of arguments which end up in me being blamed for whatever worries he has. The situation is emotionally abusive eg I am told to shut up if I bring up his drinking, called an idiot, he threatens me with his own life, he tells me I need to change, he says i am 50% responsible for this, threatens to sell the house, tells me I need to work longer hours so he can go part time.

I have decided I've had enough but when I have told him we would be better separated for baby's sake before this affects my wellbeing anymore he refuses to accept it, raises an argument then some time later carries on as if nothing has happened. Makes comments about looking forward to future events. He is in complete denial and terrified of what 'the world' will think if his perfect life turns out to be a fraud. He seems to only think about himself.

Has anyone had any experience of this type of situation who can share their experiences?

Hi I was on this thread a long way back and haven’t read the whole thread. I was married to an alcoholic and we had small children too. I just want to send you a big hug 🤗 as I know how awful it is going through all this and dealing with their bullshit. You sound like you’re doing incredibly well. Do you attend any Al Anon meetings for friends and families of alcoholics? I found this very helpful but obviously it was quite upsetting to hear people’s stories, it did help me feel like I wasn’t the only one though. My ex got sober but there were still so many issues and he was very manipulative with the kids trying to turn them against me. I would also suggest speaking to children’s social services for advice if he pushes for seeing your child without anyone else present.

I’m sure you’ve got everything you need to be able to show he is a fully paid up alcoholic.

I’ve always found nothing I say has any effect on my ex’s denial. I think you’re the one who has the handle on reality and you just have to keep calmly repeating yourself. No doubt he’ll get angry but that’s just part of the denial. The family courts aren’t perfect but they would take your concerns seriously and would hopefully order blood and/or hair strand tests. I think that’s good to know as that would be your back up. Hopefully he won’t push you down that route, though.

@IlikebigMutts thank you for your input and sorry you went through this. It's a long road isn't it but each time i open this thread my first post comes up and i'm reminded of my progress

@AFitOfTheVapours the bit about reality is so true. The messages he sends are almost deluded. The outright refusal to give me any information makes me think I'm on to something and there's a lot going on.

Denial is incredibly powerful. My late husband never got past his - the last time he was seen by any of our family (two of my cousins) he was incredibly drunk and yet still claimed he would be able to moderate and the way he was drinking was OK because it was only wine.

I can never seem to get used to the depths of the denial. I think I’ve got it and then another issue comes along that makes my jaw drop. I think the most surprising thing is the level to which they truly believe what they say themselves. Just keep holding on to your knowledge of reality!

This.

Have been on your thread throughout.

V interesting - or alarming? - that the parents have shifted position - but still not being open and honest with you which is surely compromising your DD safeguarding?

You said earlier they are narcissistic - maybe they are done with the childcare - especially if he is moving out?

his nasty messages to me are making me nervous.

Please pay attention to this. What is happening for you - what are you afraid of? That he will self harm, self destruct, have and accident and/or hurt or put your DD at emotional or physical risk.

Never down play or minimise this. I would be v concerned that the parents have shifted gear after all this time.

I suspect he is binging again, or lost his job , or had a violent out burst or stolen money , crashed a car, shat himself, etc etc the usual deterioration in the progressive disease.

Or maybe another MH or Personality disorder (NPD?) has manifested?

Be rock solid. He’s not going to get better. Your DD doesn’t need this in her life - so phase him out - looks like any benefit is outweighed by the increasing risks to her.

What is the nature of the ‘nastiness’? Don’t tolerate even a tiny bit of this - use it against him as being unstable - report to police or courts.

@Ooonafoo thank you for this I really needed the encouraging words today. I've had a very stressful time these last few weeks.

I've requested supervised contact and information about his current heath and status through a solicitor or else contact will be stopped due to safeguarding concerns. His father told me I should 'follow this path to the end and make him realise' so I assume like you say some bad stuff is going on.

It's been 4 weeks and not heard back so my solicitor has advised as discussed contact is not happening this weekend. He has now put in writing a concern of child abuse against me and my new partner? Stating she has bruising he's concerned about and that if I don't turn up at his parents by 1pm today he will report me for child abuse and abduction. To add to this I found out a few weeks ago that I'm pregnant but I have had some complications this week and been told to keep stress low. My partner is beside himself he sees my little girl as a daughter and I find all this so unfair on him. So yes the nastiness has gone up a notch. I've received a text saying two services are coming for me- I'll have to accept the consequences.

It's good to have a solicitor keeping me grounded but I really don't see where this is heading now

@Ooonafoo sorry forgot to answer your question- I'm afraid of him passing out / having some sort of seizure in charge of her. If she's in the bath or he wanted to take her on the train what if something happens on a platform. She has to share a bed with him I don't want her to be lying next to him In whatever state he's in.

@Ooonafoo also in light of this development yesterday if he can go so low as to accuse me of harming her, what the hell is he capable of saying to her to manipulate her against me or my partner. He's obviously in a very dark place and I don't want her being sucked into it

I am so so sorry he is doing this to you.

But I am not surprised.

He is threatening you - plain bullying and harassment - which is illegal - take these texts to you solicitor to seek advice about this.

Any agencies will eventually know that this is a malicious report but they have to go through the motions. Try to keep calm.

Ensure your solicitor is fully on board with this and continue as advised by them (and his parents) and keep your eyes firmly on expressing your safeguarding concerns do not let him scare you from that path.

Do not let him beat you down. The system come across characters like him all the time. He will cause chaos but he won’t win.

Don’t let him witness or sense the emotional distress / anger he is causing because that’s what these nasty narcissistic types feed off.

How did his parents tell you to pursue this - was it on text or verbal? I don’t know if there is a way that they could confidentially / anonymously be approached by a professional / agency to express their concerns as they might not want to do this to you.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope things settle for you soon. If possible I would keep this from him and his family and friends (which might include your DD) for as long as physically possible as this will info will send his Narc rage through the roof and his manipulation and punishment will likely escalate to unforeseen heights.

Your concerns for your DD safely are 1000% valid. His DP know something and their words to you didn’t come easy.

How are you managing communication with him - could it all only be on email that is filtered by someone else for abuse / irrelevance weekly and you respond only factually to relevant logistical points? Only have text available for his parents when she is with him / them.

You need to continue to protect yourself from him and know that he is out to annihilate your life. I don’t know what to advise about him trying to alienate you from your DD with poisonous words. Maybe do some research on how to prove and counteract as to me it’s emotional abuse.

The only thing I can say is to remember and value all of these days, weeks, months and years that you have physically been away from him and to try to compartmentalise and minimise as best you can his ongoing emotional abuse through the contact arrangements. Are you having therapy at the moment - if not it might be good to support your resilience at this especially vulnerable time for you.

I am so sorry this is happening to you, he really is devolving and I think pp is right, this is about more than alcoholism.

SS will know this is a malicious report. Try and keep that at the forefront of your mind and continue to do what is best for you and your DD. Right now that is no contact, don't let him blackmail you into it. Congratulations on your pregnancy, look after yourself and let your DP look after you. I do think SS need to talk to his parents for a more complete picture.

How did yesterday go @helloblodyn ?

@Ooonafoo yesterday went well thank you. I didn't reply to his message and let the solicitor contact him on my behalf. I'll do this as much as possible and avoid any texting. He's gone to a very dark place with this accusation and where I have in the past tried to keep things amicable for my daughter (as much as possible with this character, grey rock, minimal information etc) he'll get nothing from me now. he's had a huge tantrum because he's not getting his way and reacted by going down this route thinking i will give a reaction. not responding is the safest and most powerful position for me.

His father called me and so the information was given verbally but i always email the points made to myself straight after a phone call which is the best i can do as a log. He's not aware of what his father has said.

Unsurprisingly the police didn't call me yesterday and it's been nice to have a change of scenery. My head feels much calmer. I had a scan yesterday and all is ok for now but been told i need to rest and will be reviewed to see if the pregnancy is still viable next week.

If all is well i have been worrying about his reaction when he eventually finds out. At the moment he maintains that DD has 'nothing on my side' because he has nephews and my siblings haven't got children. He has used this as a tool in the past. It just feel like he never looks at things in her interest but rather what looks best for him.

I dread to think what his next move will be but i will just maintain no contact (i have messaged his father with a screenshot of his accusations and stated i will not be contacting anyone over my easter break). Unsurprisingly they haven't responded but they can't bury their head and need to know.

@pointythings thank you. I'm really not sure how the parents will fit into this long term. It feels like they want me to push things as father sounds like he's had enough.
I will be reliant on them for contact but i'm not sure how willing they are. I feel their relationship is in bits but they are too proud to give me the full details. I'm not sure they would engage with solicitors and may feel threatened by being brought into it. They have repeatedly said this is a matter between mother and father. If that's the case and i remove them from the equation it's going to be difficult to get to a contact arrangement.

He's provided a report from work which says they are also awaiting a GP report which is interesting. So his employers are in the dark as well. Sounds like there's good reason for me to stand firm on this.

Sounds like there's good reason for me to stand firm on this.

You are handling this perfectly - although I am not minimising the immerse strength it takes and the pressure it puts you under.

Well done for ignoring the threat and taking action via the solicitor.

Definitely cut communication right down (to zero or via a mediator/filter) with him now as he is using it to harass you.

SS etc will note the timing of his report and see it as malicious revenge. They might have to go through the motions the first time but beyond that they will have the measure of him.

Don’t let this derail or distress you - because that’s his aim - he knows it’s not true - he just wants to inflict punishment on to you - you don’t have to take it on board.

Of course the initial reaction is hard and will throw you off - but it’s always about coming back to balance - knowing what his aim is (punishment) and knowing what your aims are (monitoring your DD emotional and physically safety in a declining situation where risk is increasing).

I am glad things went well with your scan - and I hope they continue. It will be glorious for your DD to have a sibling and it will dilute and shift her emotional focus from him.

Please try to remember that he is on the slide mentally and physically - he WILL lose his job, home, friends, family and health over time. No doubt this will escalate to the suicide threats - that’s often the ace up the sleeve - never get panicked by that - just call an ambulance or police for a welfare check - that’s for them to deal with.

Your job is to step back, not get drawn in or rattled by his dysfunctional ways but to calmly shine a light on it by calling the professionals each and every time - and if you can detach and switch off so his antics don’t consume you and your other relationships.

You are doing brilliantly.

Yep, everything that @Ooonafoo has said. If SS make contact, fully cooperate with them. It will be immediately and immensely clear that you are the good capable parent here and that he.... isn't.

How are things for you now @helloblodyn?

Hello thanks for checking.
Contact wise its been pretty heavy back and forth with solicitors. Seems to have dropped the 'abuse' claim no mention of it since but i will not forget it.
This weekend will be first contact and only going ahead because his parents have stepped in. He's refusing to acknowledge this and seems to be ignoring/choosing not to acknowledge the conditions of contact.
Personally I am in a dark place at the moment as I sadly miscarried and have discovered it was a molar pregnancy. I'm going to try to find any threads on it as i'm a bit shell shocked at the moment and trying to process everything as well as mentally preparing little girl for contact this weekend when it's been so long.
So mostly crap really- no progress made with ex but at least some contact to maintain relationships.

Oh I am so sorry to hear of your miscarriage - you must be absolutely devastated.

I really hope that you can acknowledge how out of whack physically, emotionally and hormonally this will leave you for many months and that you appreciate how vulnerable you are and will be. I hope that you have RL support and even stronger boundaries and coping strategies at this time to protect you from his nonsense when you are so raw.

You have done so remarkably well - look back on the thread to remind yourself how to handle him. You have good strong boundaries and procedures but I know it is relentless to have to keep holding this up. I hope you have friends and family who you feel comfortable leaning on at this terribly difficult time.

I am so very sorry to hear of your miscarriage. As pp said, acknowledge that you are going to be vulnerable for quite some time so look after yourself and keep those boundaries strong. We're all rooting for you and given time and kindness you will recover and come through this.

OP, I have been following your thread in the hope of finding you in a much better place. I am so sorry he is still a total fuck up. You are such an amazing mum, he is so lucky his daughter has you in her life to protect her

Sorry things are still bad
I think I need to apply for an emergency court order today to stop my ex having my son
Ex has always been an alcoholic but had a clean record and a very good and respectable job in education

But now he has been banned for drink driving and it doesn't look like he's working

But he is lying through his teeth about it all. On the phone the other day he was making out he was at work , making up stories about his day when he was clearly at home and drunk . He dropped the ball when his gf walked in and then he got really nasty

I think he's about to hit rock bottom and has no reason not to drink now so I don't trust him as far as I can throw him to not drink when he's got ds

He's also not doing his agreed 50% anyway and ds spends most of his time with his grandmother

But he refuses anything but his imaginary 50% just so he has more of a chance of getting his own way over future decisions regarding ds which will make life life convenient for him