Leaving alcoholic husband

[helloblodyn]

My husband drinks around 70 units a week, has fallen i to a self loathing with work/life, says he hates life in general and feels that he cannot cope with being a new father. He is receiving professional help for an eating disorder.

Throughout my pregnancy and our babys short life so far we have been in a cycle of arguments which end up in me being blamed for whatever worries he has. The situation is emotionally abusive eg I am told to shut up if I bring up his drinking, called an idiot, he threatens me with his own life, he tells me I need to change, he says i am 50% responsible for this, threatens to sell the house, tells me I need to work longer hours so he can go part time.

I have decided I've had enough but when I have told him we would be better separated for baby's sake before this affects my wellbeing anymore he refuses to accept it, raises an argument then some time later carries on as if nothing has happened. Makes comments about looking forward to future events. He is in complete denial and terrified of what 'the world' will think if his perfect life turns out to be a fraud. He seems to only think about himself.

Has anyone had any experience of this type of situation who can share their experiences?

Hi Op, was in the same situation. Split when kids were under a year old. It was hard, I had to find him somewhere to live otherwise he would have done nothing. He quickly met someone else but never stopped drinking and again it ended disastrously. You should get out whilst you can, and if he wants to change, he will do it. Two years on, mine hasn't stopped. Still abusive and self destructive. Save yourself and your children.

OP do you have a plan for the next few days? Do you have loving family and friends who cherish you to spend time with. This is what you need to immerse yourself in to heal and to validate the valued person that you are that he has systematically tried to strip away with his abuse.

You have given your baby an amazing Christmas gift that will last a lifetime.

Are you getting professional help to support you through this challenging time?

There are many, many threads on here over the years that you can search with your situation. It all ends in the same horrific way - every single woman says they wish they had done it much much sooner and every single adult child of an alcoholic says they wish that there mother had left.

Many of these women will be envious of your strength for getting out now.

Hi all, I am going to be with my family for Christmas and he has accepted this. I had received legal advice to not leave the house but ai don't want to be there alone.

That’s good. Take it one day at a time and lap up the love and warmth.

Is he back in your home?

PM'd you

I would be v wary of his family. They know what he has been like for the pat 20 years - they were probably delighted that you stepped in to manage him.

Their “diagnosis” of PND is quite emotionally manipulative - all of his deep rooted complex issues minimised so that you think it is a temporary problem and are guilted to take him back - off their hands / out of their way.

Pretending to be loving and wonderful to try and weaken your resolve is a standard tactic of abusive men. Well done on seeing through it.

Having a look at the Freedom Programme might help you feel stronger as you'll be able to see more clearly how abusive he's being and therefore protect yourself.

His family claiming its depression and trying to join in his attempts to weaken your resolve is also standard for abusive men.

And although babies are affected by living in an abusive home, they also recover once the abuser is removed.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I will look into that website now thank you. No he is not back in the house although thinks that the good behaviour will give him a pass. He is for the first time sounding accepting of my side of things and my reasons rather than the usual spin to make it my fault. However, this could be a desperate attempt to regain control.

I am angry that his behaviour is being excused as PND as issues go way back although not to same severity. Yes i am to blame for staying in the relationship and I can't explain why i did that to myself let alone to anyone else- this is where i've now found myself.

www.docdroid.net/file/download/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Have a read of this at some point.

And this www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

This might also shed some light - especially “The mentally ill or addicted abuser” - but there are lots overlaps and traits from other profiles might be relevant.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

I would also be concerned for your physical safety once he realises that you are not taking him back. I would not allow him in your home and would only meet in a public/neutral space.

Also use the Grey Rock technique - don’t give anymore air time and oxygen to his nonsense. Just emotionally detach and withdraw with quiet dignity and carry on with your plans for a quiet life.

Try to emotionally protect yourself and swat any thoughts of him out of your mind and try to distract and replace with positive thoughts.

Expect his abuse to escalate massively once he realises there is no going back.

Expect the begging, pleading, crying histrionics once he realises that his few hours of Mr Fake Manipulative Nice didn’t reel you back in.

He might well stalk, harass, claim a crisis to draw you back in, threaten you and threaten suicide.

Be prepared and try to protect yourself from any of this. Do what you need to do - web doorbell, change locks, block his calls and texts - give him only an email that you will only engage with on baby/separation logistics and you will only read and reply to on a weekly basis.

Have police on speed dial if he steps over or threatens to step over the line even just the once. They take this v serious and will clip his wings or arrest him. If he threatens suicide call his GP or 999 - it’s a job for the professionals. He is a v dangerous character many of us know his character and MO when rejected. We have seen the patterns hundreds of times.

Tell your friends and family and his family immediately he says, does or threatens anything - sunlight is the best disinfectant.

Do not give any airtime to his woes or begging / discussions around separating. Just do this cleanly though the official channels.

You have done really well and taken some v important steps by realising this is v wrong, seeking advice from a solicitor, seeking advice here, getting him out of the house, seeking support from your friends and family. A v successful phase 1.

Phase 2 is the eruption when he realises you mean it. He will do anything to punish you - so you need all of your defences ready. This part is tough - he might wear you down - on average abused wives take the partners back 7 times before they finish it for good. In all of that time the abuse escalates and they and their children are repeatedly and deeply emotionally injured.
They all deeply regret taking them back.

I wish you the strength and resilience not to be this statistic.

You might also want to consider his capacity to care for your baby during access and the potential for risk due to his addiction and MH issues. Even if you have a grain of concern I would look the courts for supervised access only. This shouldn’t be an issue if he is already recorded and documented in the system (NHS).

He is truly a despicable vile individual. His MH issues and addictions do not excuse his abuse. They are separate issues he chooses to be abusive to you.

Might be hard to appreciate at this moment but you are in an infinitely better place than when you started this thread and once you face off his inevitable punishment grenades and have him in your rear view mirror - you and your babies life will continue to grow wonderfully together without him polluting it.

Thanks for all the links, going to have a look now.
I've read into the grey rock technique before and thought that was very interesting- it also led me to and article on the 'moderate narcissist' which ticked all the boxes of my partner.
I've been very calm, 'grey rocky' haha and fair with my decisions and explanations these past few weeks. He came to the house once to get some things and was drunk, then continued to drink in the house. It was a great reminder of why he isn't hear, but his reason in the morning was that he did it out of spite. I worry what else he will do 'out of spite'. It's a very strange thing to say.
The issue I am having is that as you say, he is yet to realise how serious I am. He thinks all will be better after i 'get some space', and he's all changed now... despite not receiving any professional support only staying with family for 2 weeks. on top of this December is a pretty cheery time of year and work is easy for him. I am dreading January.
Due to his narcissism I expect an awful time with fighting for assets, child access and likely maintenance. He hates parting with his money and he likes boasting about the things he has, even though it's all a facade. I feel like I need to get back to work from maternity and just get myself back on track. As I've funded all my maternity leave myself and pay more into the house than him, my savings have been hit and I could have done with those right now.
His biggest concern now is that he isn't able to enjoy the house that is partly his. He keeps asking for a few days there and for me to go away- I can't really stop this can I without a court order but I don't think his actions so far would grant me that.
I know this is probably all part of the situation and how he's conditioned me, but I still feel a bit defensive and that it's unfair for him to be called despicable and vile. He doesn't come across as a classic abuser to me... and I do believe he is a troubled individual. I can't even imagine having to get police involved, but I guess the next phase will show his true character. I know I will get ridiculed for that last comment, I'm just expressing all my thoughts. I was speaking to a therapist but they will no longer engage because there's an element of financial/emotional abuse. I guess I have seen this coming for about 6 months but now that I'm in it it feels a bit surreal and I'm doubting myself.

Keep educating yourself in NPD, alcoholism and abuse. A classic time for starting / escalating abuse is either marriage, pregnancy and birth.

Seek support through Al Anon - you will need it for the long term. Do the Freedom
programme. I don’t understand how your therapist can’t help you due to his financial and emotional abuse? Maybe you need to find another.

Yes he will be a nightmare around separating assets and arranging access. He will up the anti and really try to punish you unrelentingly and frustrate and obfuscate proceedings. Classic abuser behaviour.

But solicitors and the courts see these types day in day out. They are not above the law and they will clip their wings. You need to be v upfront with your solicitor that this is the character they are dealing with and I would choose one who has experience and a clear strategy on how best to box these types in.

So get ahead of him. Do not waste time trying to discuss anything with him or work with a mediator. He does not want to collaborate, work as a team, or have your baby’s or your best interests at heart.

He is all about punishing you deeply (destroying you) and winning for daring to cross him. Your baby will suffer if you do.

Do not expose yourself to him. Get straight to a solicitor and get everything done quick and clean.

“Despicable and vile” - that’s just an opinion from a random person on the internet who would characterise the behaviour you describe meted out to a vulnerable pregnant / new Mum and her baby. You don’t have to take that on board.

This is the moment in your life to reach out to all of the love and support amongst your f friends and family - this will be a balm and will sustain you and your baby through his worst behaviours.

You need to tell them everything he has put you through.

How have the last few days been Helloblogyn - I hope that you were cherished and loved by your family and friends and that you found joy with your baby on his first Xmas.

Do you have plans for the next few days and support to get you through the transition of returning to work?

Just look forward and get through each day and at the end of the month you can turn around and see how far you have come.

Thank you for checking- yes I've had a nice time with my family. He saw baby briefly on Christmas Day but I was happy to be joining my family afterwards. He seems to be making a point of how good he is being. But seems happy enough not to be seeing us for the next few days. It's odd really I still don't think he is accepting/realising what's happening? It's all mentally exhausting to be honest having to keep reinforcing it and keeping that stance and reminding myself why I am doing this. He is telling me all the things he is going to do to change and that he didn't think it would come to this.
Returning to work will be difficult as I feel anxious about it and she will be at nursery. But I do have support if needed although my family are not very close by.
I feel a bit in limbo, as if it's nice to have this rest now but I will have to face a lot going back. He is living in the house whilst I'm away. Thanks for posting.

Thank you for checking- yes I've had a nice time with my family. He saw baby briefly on Christmas Day but I was happy to be joining my family afterwards. He seems to be making a point of how good he is being. But seems happy enough not to be seeing us for the next few days. It's odd really I still don't think he is accepting/realising what's happening? It's all mentally exhausting to be honest having to keep reinforcing it and keeping that stance and reminding myself why I am doing this. He is telling me all the things he is going to do to change and that he didn't think it would come to this.
Returning to work will be difficult as I feel anxious about it and she will be at nursery. But I do have support if needed although my family are not very close by.
I feel a bit in limbo, as if it's nice to have this rest now but I will have to face a lot going back. He is living in the house whilst I'm away. Thanks for posting.

He can say what he likes - alcoholics do, they need you to continue enabling their addiction.

You know better. Alongside going back to work, start divorce proceedings. Get hold of all the information you will need - home ownership/tenancy agreements, financials in terms of his earnings, pensions and yours too. Look into getting a solicitor - see if any round your way offer a free half hour. Not all do, but some do and you can get a lot of advice in that short space of time. You don't have to live with this and the freedom from anxiety and stress is amazing.

Glad that you have been cared for by your family - that will restore you a bit. Keep close ties with your emotional support network - it is in these v dark and trying days that you need them. It won’t be like this forever - let them love and support you though this bit.

Do not waste your breath or headspace / finite emotional reserves trying to get him to accept the situation. Conserve that energy for your baby girl - don’t give it to him instead. You have told him more than once - you do not need to exhaust yourself with him. Don’t engage anymore - stop giving it oxygen - just take action. Drop the rope - nothing more to discuss. He is yanking your chain and continuing to emotionally drain you.

I am v concerned that he is back “staying in the house whilst you are away” - you know he is not going to leave don’t you?

There is going to be one almighty messy scene. He might now also change the locks to keep you out, have rigged the place with webcams, threaten suicide, plead, beg, cry, histrionics etc. All of which is emotional abuse. You need to log every incident, save every text.

He will sabotage your return to work with this.

Can you get ahead of this. Speak to his family directly and tell them to collect him by x date. Get your family to speak with him and accompany you back to get him out. Then change the locks (even if you are not allowed to legally - he will have to take you to court - or just ensure it is bolted or chub locked (or just change the chub lock).

Give yourself plenty of time to deal with this practically and emotionally before you return to work. Again family and friends can support you. Do your research and be v clear what constitutes harassment, stalking, threats, coercive control - and once he takes ONE step over this line - call the police. This is a v high risk time for you and your DD - these types of characters escalate abuse dramatically when they realise the RS is over. But the police can clip his wings.

Also ensure nursery know not to hand your DD over to him - this is another obvious stunt.

Hello all hope you are well. I do take on board all your advice but I can't legally stop him being at the house as I don't have a court order. I am still wanting to be amicable and avoid a life of mediators. All I want is for my baby to stay with me, which I will pursue legally if needed. So far there's no violence and he's being pretty sheepish overall but I am anxious to just get things done.
So I returned to the home yesterday quite apprehensive. He doesn't accept what i'm saying about separation and says if i want to separate i will have to go. I think over the last few days I've really reflected and you know the most important thing to me is to have a happy life. I am prepared to walk away with just my baby if needed so i do feel some freedom at that decision. He is still going around the house as if everything's normal... it's really odd actually.
I am continuing to receive great support from my family. His drinking is much much better- he feels this means everything is ok but it doesn't excuse the behaviour and so I will keep reinforcing the situation. I don't know how he will respond next but 'phase 2' pike you say is definitely going to call on all my energy and resilience.

Good luck OP - keep tapping into your family and friends for support. You don’t have to keep repeating yourself to him - it’s not your job to get him to accept it. Conserve your emotional energy. Just get the legals in place and the divorce started - he can’t hold back that train.

It’s good that you know that a calm and peaceful life is your aim. That doesn’t mean that you have to miss out financially - the courts will see to that.

If he refuses to give you the space you need right now whilst separating it tells you exactly who he is. A decent guy would accept your need to move on a respect your need for space right now. A difficult controlling man won’t do this.

Do you have anywhere to go if he is being horrendous?

Hi- yes I do have several options if needed, lots of people have kindly offered me a place to go. I am trying to adjust to starting work again this week and baby starting nursery then my head will feel a bit calmer that those hurdles are done. He is acting overly helpful, can't do enough for me. Keeps talking about doing things as a family- all very unusual and unfortunately I feel disingenuous as he's panicking about the situation. I really wish he would just be a decent person and give me space. He seems set on claiming what's rightfully his regardless of how I feel. It's going to be a long road, but I have lived like this a ling time and managed to do a lot of research about the legalities etc so I can carry on with that in the background and see what comes next.

You are doing great. Just get through the next few days - back to work and settling baby into nursery - they should be your 100% focus for the next couple of weeks.

The niceness is a temporary act - solely for his own selfish reasons. Your needs and those of your baby don’t figure - they haven’t to date. He hasn’t changed. It’s a temporary facade until you drop talk of separation.

But you have done the legal research and you can push the button when it best suits you.

But please take yourself out of the situation calmly and quietly if his mood changes. Be very transparent and open if you are concerned and he is harassing you with his family and your friends. Ask them to step in if needed.

Also the “‘what’s rightfully his” is classic Narc - deluded, arrogant, entitled - attitude - don’t even engage, bide your time - he is not above the law - the courts will decide fairly who is entitled to what.