Leaving alcoholic husband

[helloblodyn]

My husband drinks around 70 units a week, has fallen i to a self loathing with work/life, says he hates life in general and feels that he cannot cope with being a new father. He is receiving professional help for an eating disorder.

Throughout my pregnancy and our babys short life so far we have been in a cycle of arguments which end up in me being blamed for whatever worries he has. The situation is emotionally abusive eg I am told to shut up if I bring up his drinking, called an idiot, he threatens me with his own life, he tells me I need to change, he says i am 50% responsible for this, threatens to sell the house, tells me I need to work longer hours so he can go part time.

I have decided I've had enough but when I have told him we would be better separated for baby's sake before this affects my wellbeing anymore he refuses to accept it, raises an argument then some time later carries on as if nothing has happened. Makes comments about looking forward to future events. He is in complete denial and terrified of what 'the world' will think if his perfect life turns out to be a fraud. He seems to only think about himself.

Has anyone had any experience of this type of situation who can share their experiences?

You are doing so well! I've been on your thread since the start (have Christmas name changed) and you're unrecognisable from the woman you started out as. You have great boundaries and you're sticking to them. Huge kudos to you! I hope you have a fabulous peaceful Christmas surrounded by people you love.

I am glad that you have family support and that the logistics are moving on. It might well be worth seeking professional therapy support to help you through the next phase. I suspect he will continue to harass and punish you, be obstructive and erratic and once the house sale / financials and legal stuff in place you may need strength and support to manage your privacy and boundaries so that you can emotionally protect and preserve yourself and he can’t continue to hurt you. No one needs to endure this.

My alcoholic H sent texts ranging from emotional blackmail to threats of violence. I forwarded the worst ones to my solicitor and she had a word. Don't reply or engage in any way.

@helloblodyn just thinking about you with all the changes to tiers announced this weekend and hoping that you will be able to get to the peace and comfort of your family for Xmas - God knows you deserve and need it.

Thank you so much luckily I made the decision to visit earlier this week and use them as childcare so I am actually locked down with them for the foreseeable anyway. Not thought past Christmas at the moment. Hope you all have a lovely time x

Glad to hear that. No need to look too far ahead - just take it calm and gentle day by day. It’s been a v tough year for you.

Hope you and your baby are doing OK?

OP just to say......my alcoholic relative (he died from the disease) was incorrectly diagnosed with an eating disorder.

Alcoholics don't feel hungry.
Postnatal depression is easier and less scary for his family than alcoholism, so they will be very keen on looking for alternative explanations.

Alcoholism is awful. His primary relationship is with alcohol. He will only tackle it (if) when he decides life with alcohol is unbearable...for most alcoholics, it's life without that will always be more unbearable. He will make your life so so hard and he will seriously, terribly affect your child. Do not feel guilty for one SECOND for removing your child from this. Huge hugs. It's heartbreaking and you cannot help him. Honestly. So...help your child xx

Hi all- we are doing really well thank you all for the continued support. We are hoping to complete on the house move in the next few weeks. I will then be completely financially independent and I am also hoping a child arrangement order will be granted next month. Keeping positive in light of the current restrictions. Thanks for asking after me x

That’s really good to hear that the practical stuff is nearing completion. That must be a relief - it’s been a tough journey. You might flop emotionally a bit after that as you have done so much - so be gentle with yourself - and v proud that you have given your baby a calm and peaceful home.

We complete next week! The last month has been unbelievably hard I feel like there's flames all around and I'm spraying foam out of my hands to stop it! Trying to stop myself when I feel excited at the thought Of it almost being over until it's definitely done. Hope everyone is ok here x

So brilliant to hear your update.

How exciting for you and many congratulations - you really have achieved so much for you and your DC.

Well deserved.

How is he behaving now? Are you able to manage boundaries with him?

It has been difficult as the reality hits him he tends to come at me with harassment. He is muted and i check his messages periodically. I getting professional help in managing this and the boundaries are much clearer and will be even easier when he can't come into my space

This thread fills me with hope
I mean apart from the harassment
I'm just patiently waiting for mine to move out

@fedup078 I am so pleased that you have seen this thread - I was tempted to link it in your thread to give you hope.

@helloblodyn it’s really impressive that you are managing some of the harassment and seeking additional professional help - you and your DC have been subjected to enough - zero harassment is the aim. It’s illegal and once you have more energy and focus when you have moved - come down on this like a ton of bricks by official channels if necessary. He might kick off more once you reach the finish line. Know that every time he harasses and upsets you he is taking something from your DC and your motherhood - energy, emotion, time, happiness, preoccupation - he is polluting and blighting your DC experience of life via you - don’t allow it - he has taken enough.

Get others involved all the time - sunlight is the best disinfectant.

helloblodyn I'm so sorry he's being an aggressive cockwomble. However, you're doing everything right and you're almost completely out from under. Once all those ties are cut, if he still comes for you, you can get the law involved. He doesn't get to behave that way.

Getting help for yourself is another great thing you've done. It isn't easy to ask because you have to bring everything out into the open, but it's so helpful to get that feedback. I still turn to my support group every now and then when the guilt tries to have a go at me.

Thank you all once again for your ongoing support. I'm not sleeping at the moment but it's from a combination of excitement as well as anxiety which is a funny cocktail!

I'm not sure how to tag on here but fedup if you need to pm me please feel free to. I'm sorry you are in the situation I was once in - I talk openly and own the experience I have had now, he comes at me with fire over text but is a quivering wreck in real life as i do my grey rock. Today for example he took the mattress off my bed... it's rightfully his and 'fair' apparently. It felt good to not retaliate, simply said 'take what you need to make you happy and then leave me alone', turned around and closed the door. My counsellor has said that self educating myself on personality types and ways to put up boundaries has saved me. I'm just hoping I haven't conditioned myself to not let anyone in again.

@helloblodyn I know what you mean about excitement
I can not wait til he's gone and I can have the house how I want and not have to worry about coming down in the morning to him half cut
Will be so much better when this pandemic buggers off too

@helloblodyn I'm late to this thread and haven't read it all but just wanted to say a huge well done for the strength you have shown. I wish more people were like you in this situation. It's a terrible thing for a child to grow up in a household with an alcoholic, you have put your child first and all power to you for doing so.

I also wanted to echo @RBKB. My late partner - who drank herself to death at 51 - was also diagnosed with an eating disorder. It wasn't a correct or secure diagnosis - she had disordered eating as a result of her alcoholism. (She was also diagnosed with Cyclical Vomiting Syndrome, with doctors trying to work out what were the triggers - stress, anxiety etc. After a short time living with her, I could tell them what the trigger was - alcohol. If she drank, she vomited herself into a hospital admission. If she didn't, she didn't.) RBKB is right, they don't feel hunger, they get huge amounts of calories from the alcohol, they are uninterested in eating because drinking is all they care about. RBKB is also right that they will only stop when life with alcohol becomes more unbearable than life without it. Sadly, this realisation only happens to about 2% of alcoholics. (And RBKB I hope you are ok.)

All the best OP - onwards and upwards.

This is very interesting and sounds really similar to my ex- they are also trying to find a trigger for his anxiety which then leads to vomiting. Well I am all moved now and feeling much better 😊

Having been through years of living with an alcoholic, with countless 999 calls, hospital admissions, appointments with gastro consultants, psychiatrists etc, I am convinced that medical services need to stop trying to hang alcoholism on multiple hooks & be very clear that it is the drink that is at base of most of not all health issues where drink is involved. That's not to say that trauma isn't a contributing factor to drinking, but I've been very struck by the dead ends that are gone down trying to deduce why this person seems to have disordered eating, why they seem to vomit a lot etc. I've witnessed very clever consultants say things like "well the alcohol won't help" as if it is merely a contributing factor, when in fact the alcohol is the root cause of all these other symptoms. We do the alcoholic no favours in not being clear about this & we certainly don't help those around them because it leaves us worried to end relationships in case it causes further trauma, trying to gently encourage them to eat by buying their favourite food & so on, whilst not recognising that it is their choice to drink that is putting us all in this untenable & damaging situation.

I won't hijack your thread any longer @helloblodyn but I did just want to say well done for the choices you have made, they are good choices for yourself & your child & I am pleased to see a woman with courage & dignity in the face of extreme pressure (I know how bad it is, I've been there.) All the best to you & your little one.

Thank you so much. I hope this thread has helped others. When i open it and see the first post it feels like a lifetime ago. I have learnt so much from this experience and am a different person. There is no better feeling than putting your child to bed and sit down on the sofa knowing they are safe.

@helloblodyn

Thank you so much. I hope this thread has helped others. When i open it and see the first post it feels like a lifetime ago. I have learnt so much from this experience and am a different person. There is no better feeling than putting your child to bed and sit down on the sofa knowing they are safe.

Oh yes, this. 3 years on and I still have vivid memories of our proper first night without my late husband in the house. The peace of knowing he was never coming back was indescribable.

@helloblodyn I hope that you have finally moved into your new home and that this next fresh chapter of your life with your baby is calm, peaceful and joyous and that any anxiety, chaos and harassment had died down.

Thank you 🙏 yes we are in, it feels good and i feel peace and calm. To anyone reading this in the situation I was in 18 months ago- it is worth it.