Leaving alcoholic husband

[helloblodyn]

My husband drinks around 70 units a week, has fallen i to a self loathing with work/life, says he hates life in general and feels that he cannot cope with being a new father. He is receiving professional help for an eating disorder.

Throughout my pregnancy and our babys short life so far we have been in a cycle of arguments which end up in me being blamed for whatever worries he has. The situation is emotionally abusive eg I am told to shut up if I bring up his drinking, called an idiot, he threatens me with his own life, he tells me I need to change, he says i am 50% responsible for this, threatens to sell the house, tells me I need to work longer hours so he can go part time.

I have decided I've had enough but when I have told him we would be better separated for baby's sake before this affects my wellbeing anymore he refuses to accept it, raises an argument then some time later carries on as if nothing has happened. Makes comments about looking forward to future events. He is in complete denial and terrified of what 'the world' will think if his perfect life turns out to be a fraud. He seems to only think about himself.

Has anyone had any experience of this type of situation who can share their experiences?

[quote ESGdance]@helloblodyn - wondering how you and your child are doing now - 2 years after you started this thread and the bump in the road when your ex behaved badly at the news of your new relationship?

I have been on this thread from the start (name changed now) - but you have been a real inspiration to others by showing how you have taken action to ensure a better life for you and your DC.[/quote]
Ah hello, thank you for your message and for following my story. I can't remember when I last posted, but as an update there have been several bumps along the way since I began my new chapter as it were. All seem to involve my ex spiralling on different occasions and I've learnt the hard way that it's me being the one to get drained from it- there have been one sided refusals to be flexible with weekends, calls from nursery stating he was unfit to take LO so I've missed work and been sick with stress, refusals to be flexible over Christmas period and threats not to bring her back, and he is still very obsessed with what I'm doing when and is very derogatory about my new partner.
I'm starting the year by accepting I will have to work around him and just have to make it sound as if none of his attempts to derail my new life bother me. That seems to keep my head calmer as it cuts off any opportunity for him to argue. For example I'm not able to go away for a weekend in a few weeks because he refuses to bring her back after his weekends as it's unfair on him to have to travel both ways. He deserves some free time too. He works full time. Even on this one off occasion with 2 months notice he refused. So I've had to make sure I go away for one night only so that I can factor in traveling to get her rather than argue that he's being unreasonable. He has booked 2 holidays in the mean time and no mention of checking with me. One is for 2 weeks. I just answer everything with 'no problem'. Cuts off any further discussion.
I assume over time that this approach will bore him... i honestly don't think he's that concerned about seeing LO and feels he's doing a duty. i'm very lucky to have a new partner who accepts the drama and looks past it for now, despite being very triggered by it all. The relationship is going steadily well and we are just focusing on what we have. I don't recognise the person who started this thread. If only I could tell her it would all be ok. I am very proud of what I've achieved and reading journals Ive written over the last few years reminds me of that. Sorry for the long post, hopefully others will find strength if they find themselves in my situation. Xxx

I'm sorry he's still being a full blown twat, but I think your approach is probably the best one. He will either get tired of it or your DD will reach an age where she can say 'enough' and be heard.

What a difference in how you're posting though! You're strong, composed, level headed and settled. I hope you take a moment every now and then to reflect on how far you've come and how amazing your achievements have been.

You totally have the measure of him and your approach is spot on.

I am sorry but not surprised that he continues to bully, punish and harass you - that goes with the likely PD - all it does is prove how right you were to move on.

I would keep a log of his antics, with evidence eg emails from nursery, his texts to you etc - because his behaviour is not acceptable or emotionally safe for you or your DC.

You don’t have to tolerate and deal with this behaviour alone - it might be appropriate to involve professionals or his family and friends. He needs appropriate boundaries but it’s not for you to enforce.

Have your log evidence ready if things escalate.

Don’t give him an inch to wreck your life in revenge and I hope that you and your new partner can compartmentalise his antics with coping strategies so that they don’t consume and pollute your life.

Your ex is a dementor who is raging and is obsessed with frustrating and punishing you by any means possible - all he has is the access. He should have zero opportunity to insult you and your partner. Have you looked at the co-parenting apps?

Also turning up drunk to nursery needs very serious consequences around safeguarding to be dealt with by the nursery and his family and friends rather than you taking this on.

You are doing great just try to be one step ahead of him. You are 100%!right not to get drawn into any of his goading rows because he just wants to evoke and drain your energy. Keep doing the grey rock technique. But so be alert to when he steps into bullying, stalking and harassment or incompetent dangerous parenting and nip all of that in the bud very tightly in full view of others and with the support of professionals.

Hi everyone hope you're all well here. Things are steadying for me- ex has done a stint in rehab which is a big step and his family have been communicating more so feel I have a bit more support.
Little one still sees him every other weekend and seems happy when there, spends the time at grandparents house where he stays for the weekend too.
My current relationship is going well and i feel really supported and cared for and taking things nice and steady. My little one has a great relationship with my current partner and it's lovely to see and she also dotes on his LB so we can enjoy family days out.
As she's getting older and settling into this steady situation she's been getting upset about leaving me and asking me to pick her up rather than her dad on his pick up day. It's becoming very upsetting as honestly i'd rather she stayed with me the whole time but obviously thats not a demand i can make. It's one for another thread I think but just in case anyone on here has had any experience of this.
Hope everyone is well xx

Is your little one about 2 now? If so then it's very normal for her to experience separation anxiety and it's a stage that will pass. Calm, patience and reassurance are the key and yes, if she's more comfortable with you doing the pick ups that will make her feel more secure in the long term.

I don’t have personal experience of this but I can understand your stress.

It seems you (including your x) have moved to a much more stable and rewarding place. I agree with PP that this is usual behaviour for this age (and for a long time to come) - personally I would look to encourage and support her relationship with her grandparents / extended family and her Dad as long as they are safe and rewarding for her. I think that of you rocked that boat any progress your x has made personally with his addiction and being cooperative to you could collapse - and the sole loser in that situation will be your DC. Children need to connect, know and build a relationship with both parents and extended family to emotionally grow secure and know themselves in the longer term …. as long as it’s safe …. and it sounds like the extended family are doing all they can for your x and your DC.

Thanks for messaging she's 3 and a half now and so can express things much more. She is fine when she's gone over there and has a good time it's just a shame she has this upset and stress prior to it. I hate having to reiterate that I won't be the one to come get her despite her asking repeatedly as if that will change my answer. I hope it's her age and that it will settle in time

@helloblodyn im so sorry you have all this crap going on still with your ex. I was married to an alcoholic as well and there was non stop aggravation from him while our children were small and I had to deal with him. I agree with what @ESGdance has said to log things and that turning up to nursery drunk is a safe guarding issue. If you have a good relationship with your in-laws then in might be an idea to try and include them in this so that maybe they could collect with him. It may be that your child is “ just at that age “ for separation anxiety but it could also be because he frightens her. My own daughter did not want to go with her dad initially but I forced her to my shame, mainly from him pressuring me but also as I needed a break, years later she told me it was because he bad mouthed me( to a four year old) and was constantly saying how bad things were for him and it was my fault plus not looking after her properly and not leaving night light on etc small things when she was scared. I’m sorry to be negative but please just be aware and hopefully he doesn’t have her without his parents or family being around. You sound like you have come on leaps and bounds and I’m so glad to hear you are happy with a new partner. Don’t hesitate to get professional support from social services etc. it is not all down to you to sort out.

On reflection my post feels a bit on the passive side.

I agree with @CrazyBatLady66 and @ESGdance - always be on guard and have every little detail logged factually to expose patterns of behaviours that risk your DD directly and those that are threatening and deliberately disruptive to your co-parenting contract (which indirectly destabilises your DD) and share with -appropriate professionals and his family to flush out his behaviours.

Trust your gut with your DD safeguarding and listen to her carefully. Reassure her where necessary but be alert to anything untoward.

It seems it’s currently a better period due to rehab and family contact. But this might just be a lull. He may start drinking again (or already has) or the enforced sobriety may cause his PD behaviours to intensify - so keep a watchful eye.

Its a fine balance of not getting drawn into any of his goading, but being 100% on it re safeguarding. So a detached distance - seeing through him, not given him the emotion but at the same time being hyper vigilant enough to see and act appropriately (ie involve others) and swiftly with facts.

Ah that sounds tough for you I'm sorry. This is the type of thing I'm worried about though as theres is history of things like not moving her up i to a bed when I say (when potty trained so needed to get out of the cot to wee) not getting a sheet for the bed when she eventually got one... just bot having the home comforts i want her to have. I'm worried for little things this weekend like suncream, you know things you'd naturally think of but because of past issues I feel nervous about.
The good news is that he is communicating a lot with me if i keep a balance of being firm but kind. The last thing i want is no contact when she's there. I'm sent regular photos and comments about her because i've managed to get this balance now of him wanting to 'chat' to me. i loathe some messages especially as he likes to talk about himself a lot but it allows me to filter out how she's doing so i'll take that eg got a photo today and saw she had appropriate outfit and sunhat on.
Based on how happy she looks in photos and how she talks about a good time when shes back i think its more separation anxiety at the moment which is tough to deal with but i will have no hesitation in stepping in if she tells me a reason for not wanting to go like you mentioned. It's a constant struggle and you've got to be on your toes and vigilant the whole time don't you

His parents have been back in contact with me recently which is a relief as he has a big ego and wouldn't admit to needing help with anything so she stays with them the whole time she's with him. They had covid a few weeks ago and rang me to advise me not to let the pick up happen as he was going to have her at his flat (I wasn't aware of anything!). When i told him this wasn't going to happen he didn't put up any fight

I think that the IL relationship is key here - keeping the focus for all of you on your DDs wellbeing - making that the priority will always benefit her - whilst pointing out inconsistencies or inadequacies in his logistics and his behaviours but resisting the urge to fall into the trap of criticising their son directly (even though it’s well deserved) if you can see the nuanced distinctions - I think it will serve your DD well. Underneath they 100% know he’s an issue but don’t want to hear it from you.

@CrazyBatLady66 yes they came back on the scene a few weeks ago having previously been out of touch for 9 months. They say very little and hate admitting the issue But are forced to for her. also have the sleeping arrangement issue she sleeps in a bed with him now having been back and forth about the bedroom and his parents having 2 spare rooms. Apparently no sheets available so he has her with him then like you say routine takes a few days to stabilise when back here.

@DFOD you're right it's getting that balance. However they were not impressed by him at all a few weeks back and so it was quite a frank conversation. From what i gather all friends and family are trying to help him but they are going through some hard times. Unfortunately i know full well all about it as lived with him.

I would try to keep your relationship going with his mother as much as possible. I think the thing with the sleeping arrangements seems odd if they have a spare room, could just be he wants to spend time with her and he’s too lazy to make up another bed as my ex was. If you’re in a position to do so you could offer to buy some cheap sheets. Or a “ready bed “ so she can sleep in the same room as him but separate. My daughter had up share a bed with her father until she was about 10 or 11 because he couldn’t be arsed making up the sofa bed. It’s one of the reasons she didn’t want to go.

That’s really good that they get to experience the horror and despair of him directly. Resist the urge to say “I told you so” - but take every opportunity to highlight every time the risk or potential impact on your child because in reality you are relying on them 100% to be vigilant, responsible and thinking ahead for her.

@helloblodyn Just read back over this thread and saw you’ve already had therapy. I really wish you all the best and am so glad to hear things are going better for you. I suspect your ex will continue to try and cause trouble, but it sounds like you are dealing with it really well. It’s hard when you have young children as you can’t get a clean break.

@helloblodyn just wondering how you are all doing? I have been on your thread from the beginning and hope you and your DC are having a good life by being able to keep this deteriorating mess at a distance. It must be tough.

So kind of you to message to check up on me. I'm doing really well thank you and life has completely changed. I'm in a really healthy relationship with someone who has a brilliant bond with my little girl. We have lovely family weekend when he has his son and the two kids get on great.
The challenges continue ever time she's due to see her Dad. I get little information on his state. He has surrendered his driving licence due to seizures but I'm anxious that the 6 month ban is coming to an end soon. He has her at his parents but they refuse to communicate with me or commit to being her guardians saying they'll look after her 'if they're there'.
Last week he was admitted to hospital with gastric bleeding but it was kept from me. The fact he wasn't driving was also hidden, with me only finding out by seeing his parents car parked up the road and then confronting him.
At the moment I am taking the stance that he won't be able to drive her irrespective of whether he has a licence and I won't allow her to stay at a new house he's purchasing. I expect there to be a huge backlash to this and I'm not sure where I'd stand legally but I don't trust what he says to me.
To be honest I just want him to disappear but he seems to be hanging around. It's putting some strain on my new set up as plans get changed all the time and I don't want this to be continuing long term but suppose I can only do what I can.
Thanks again for your message it really is crazy to think of what's happened over the last 5 years!

@helloblodyn this is going to sound black and cynical, but if he's having gastric bleeding and still drinking, you may not be dealing with this for all that long.

Meanwhile keep fighting for your DD's safety, and I'm so glad that you are in a lovely new relationship!

I agree with everything @pointythings has said. I would focus on protection of your DD by seeking legal advice so that you are ahead of the curve from a safeguarding perspective - rather than waiting for an issue to develop. From the outside we know that this is deteriorating week by week, month by month - it’s not going to reverse even if he is dry - his physical and mental health is damaged beyond repair.

Have zero qualms doing anything and everything to be ahead of this for your DD.

You’ve done brilliantly so far and given your DD the most precious gift of a good childhood.

@pointythings yes I was thinking the same thing. In fact I've been so blunt with him that I've said if he chooses to do this to himself I can't stop him, but I can stop her witnessing it. What if next time he looses consciousness and she's in the bath? Driving? She's not self caring it's not safe.

He's actually told me yesterday he isn't even aiming to be sober- currently drinking 24 units down from 100ish he said... I can't believe he is still drinking given these medical complications. It was almost as if he was surprised to hear me explain that alcohol = acid = stomach erosion = bleeding = etc etc etc also suggested a bleed may be causing the seizures. He is so obsessed about me that at the end of a dressing down he thanked me for a nice chat.

Yes I will definitely look into this. I have always been one step ahead, which you have to be in situations like this. When I left I had all the documents scanned and saved in my phone. All the information about his GP letters re the alcohol etc.
it's tiring but i almost automatically live like this now.

@helloblodyn wearying as it is, you are handling this perfectly. Re his drinking, I suspect he may have been told to taper down gradually and not stop cold turkey (which at 100+ units a week is good advice) and heard 'taper down to 24 units and stay there' because he can't bear not drinking at all. Whether he's actually drinking as little as that is another question, but none of it is your problem. You document what you hear about his health because of your DD, but allow it no headspace. If he drinks himself to death, it's on him.