Leaving alcoholic husband

[helloblodyn]

My husband drinks around 70 units a week, has fallen i to a self loathing with work/life, says he hates life in general and feels that he cannot cope with being a new father. He is receiving professional help for an eating disorder.

Throughout my pregnancy and our babys short life so far we have been in a cycle of arguments which end up in me being blamed for whatever worries he has. The situation is emotionally abusive eg I am told to shut up if I bring up his drinking, called an idiot, he threatens me with his own life, he tells me I need to change, he says i am 50% responsible for this, threatens to sell the house, tells me I need to work longer hours so he can go part time.

I have decided I've had enough but when I have told him we would be better separated for baby's sake before this affects my wellbeing anymore he refuses to accept it, raises an argument then some time later carries on as if nothing has happened. Makes comments about looking forward to future events. He is in complete denial and terrified of what 'the world' will think if his perfect life turns out to be a fraud. He seems to only think about himself.

Has anyone had any experience of this type of situation who can share their experiences?

@pointythings
I tend to email a break down of any phonecalls for the record then get on with my week. It's frustrating as I can't plan anything and if he was out of the picture completely I would have so much freedom despite not having shared parenting/weekends where she's with him. Last minute no shows or messages 9pm the eve he's due to have her to say he's in hospital is really tiring!

I just want to say how lovely it's been to have this group supporting me despite never meeting you all, i've sat in the car for hours At times not knowing what to do and this group helped me find the strength and reassured me it wasn't me overreacting like he kept saying

@helloblodyn when people ask me what my hobbies are, I sometimes feel like saying 'I break up marriages' - because I do quite a lot in terms of supporting spouses of alcoholics in particular both IRL and here. I don't pressure people, but for some reason setting out what it's really like helps people feel that they have 'permission' to get out.

I'm currently at 4 (yours included), pending a 5th.

You should rephrase that to read ‘freeing children from the tyranny of an emotionally unstable childhood with an alcoholic parent to avoid the entrenched life long chronic MH / compromised emotional well-being of being an ACoA’

I really think it’s imperative to put he emotional development of the child front and centre and this needs a calm, focused, strong and attentive parent not one distracted and drained with the chaos and abuse of the alcoholic and that parents experience of motherhood should rewarding, cherished and protected.

@User45378754 I agree with your rephrasing, but it is less catchy...

But yes, my focus is always on the person putting their DC first, because I've seen at first hand the damage my late husband did to my DC.

I just want to say how lovely it's been to have this group supporting me despite never meeting you all, i've sat in the car for hours At times not knowing what to do and this group helped me find the strength and reassured me it wasn't me overreacting like he kept saying

Its also very rewarding to be on the otherside to see someone like you making those hugely difficult changes under massive duress for a better outcome. Also to know that another child / woman doesn’t have to live this compounding and wounding existence to the inevitable end.

Well done to you.

I'm so sorry that others have found themselves further down the line than me and experienced the devastating effect drink can have.

Seeing as there are so many people on here with experience of similar situations to mine I thought I'd come to the group for some advice. I've been researching alcohol abuse/dependance and trying to educate myself on the situation.

I'm consistently being told that he is no longer 'alcohol dependant'... he's adamant that it is fine that he is drinking still and his GP is happy with this. Am I wrong in thinking that this doesn't sound right? Can a previous alcoholic drink up to 30 units a week without it having any physiological hold on them? He's saying that he chooses to drink now because of 'boredom' or 'habit'.

@helloblodyn he's fooling himself. His GP will be thinking about feasible harm reduction and preventing him from physically drinking himself to death. 30 units is an improvement from where he was in those terms, so the GP is happy, because he has reduced the harm he is doing to himself.

It isn't the GP's job to talk about psychological dependence, and if he's drinking because he's bored or out of habit then he is psychologically dependent. That is the part that makes recovery hard. In terms of alcohol use disorder, which is the current term rather than alcoholism, he has not recovered. He has just mitigated. It may stick, it may not.

Whatever the situation, it is only your problem insofar as it affects your DD. Your strategy of watching and documenting will need to continue, I'm afraid. Other than that, try to maintain your mental distance. You don't need him living in your head.

Thanks for this. It's draining to pick through the bullshit he emails me and try to work out what the situation is. In my mind the only outcome would be complete abstinence from alcohol so the fact he is so adamant I am wrong and has got me to doubt myself shows he is still gaslighting his way through life.

You have to bear in mind that he is still in denial.

I would be willing to bet my house that his GP didn't actually tell him it was just peachy to drink 30 units a week - it will have been something along the lines of 'Well, ideally you wouldn't drink at all given your history and state of health, but [insert what your ex wants to hear]".
Addicts don't just gaslight the people around them, they gaslight themselves.

Addicts don't just gaslight the people around them, they gaslight themselves.

These were going to be my exact words.

The lies, lies, lies - distortions that are self serving - he actually may not believe he is lying as from what I have picked up your posts over the years is his narcissistic traits - entitled, arrogant, grandiose and entitled.

Sounds like you need another gear shift in detachment if you are being drawn into the nuances of his discourse.

Assume the worst all the time. Assume everything is a lie and minimised (or exaggerated) - this cautious approach will protect your DD the most.

Be eagle eyed, document everything and trust your gut.

If he has cut down to 30 units a week - it’s only time to when this starts to increase again. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. One drink is too many. A thousand is never enough. He just needs a bit of stress for a binge or he will be on a slower slippery slope.

I don’t know how many years he has been drinking, if he abuses any other substances, smokes and what his diet, exercise, stress / MH is like - but he has likely done some level irreversible physical damage even if he went teetotal.

Don’t ever let him lull you into a place of perceived safety - just assume he is potentially dangerous and high risk to your DD. He is not capable mentally or physically of being alone with a young child from a basic logistical perspective - and certainly not from the nurturing and emotional attunement any child deserves in the presence of an adult.

Looks like you might need more support or a shift, new tighter boundaries in communication with him.

What’s happening with his parents - are they supervising all visits? What are they like? Are they sensitive to your DD - did you say they are not communicating with you - why is that?

@User45378754 I'm not sure what his full situation is now but when it all came to light a few years back he was bulimic as well as using alcohol and health professionals didn't know whether what was the primary issue- obviously one can lead to another. He said both had been part of his life for a ling time.

He maintains that she is never in any danger, keeps repeating it like a broken record. His parents have similar traits of narcissism, would rather do anything that let this 'come out in the open' if you like, and admit that all is not perfect. I've tried to reach out to them and allow them to have a relationship with their grandchild outside of supervising his contact but they don't entertain it. When i ask for their support they say they don't want to get involved in issues between mother and father. I sense their relationship is very strained and he is supposedly now living with them full time waiting to purchase a new place.

It's odd as when they pick her up they are pleasant with me and interact really well with her. She goes with them much easier than she does with her father. Its a shame that we can't be 'normal'.

It’s great that you are able to see clearly your DD reaction to different individuals.

I would pay very close attention to this and continue to investigate why she is showing distress.

I am not surprised that his parents are tricky - you reap what you sow - but would not therefore try too hard with them - do the breezy efficient receptionist approach with them but would always continue to flag and escalate any concerns you have about your DD as they are minimising and in denial - maybe put these in writing each time for the record - even if you know they won’t respond. Be crystal clear what your concerns are and expectations of them. Keep it blunt and factual. They need the full picture even if they don’t like looking at it.

I would also ask someone else to read his emails as they sound very manipulative and gaslighting and you are especially (understandably) sensitive. There is no need to triggered by him. Let him know that someone else is filtering the emails.

Sunlight is the best disinfectant.

Keep shining a light calmly - don’t let his parents minimise anything.

What’s likely to happen when he gets his own place? Will your DD be in his sole care?

Absolutely not. He won't be having her there alone and he won't be driving her. It was a worry that he may 'demand this' as 'his right' etc etc but I think he realises it's not going to happen. He knows I'm indifferent as to whether she sees him or not whereas I think in the past he thought I needed him for the respite of parenting.

Hi @helloblodyn , I've just caught up with your latest updates. I'm in a similar position to you... I'm not sure if @pointythings has included my marriage in her 'breaking up marriages' tally up thread, but certainly she was a pillar of strength and fantastic knowledgeable advice when I was going through my divorce so I presume so 😂

Anyway, nothing to add really other than to say that it's clear you have some so so far. Not only in real life terms, but your clarity of mind and your ability to deal with your ex husband sensibly, calmly and in a way that keeps your DD at the centre of what's important. Despite your ex's bad behaviour, it sounds as though quite a bit of the bravado has dropped. He knows he will never bully his way through.
I wanted to say thank you for your post and updates, because it's validating for me too. It's not always easy to see/acknowledge the same growth in myself, it happens so slowly and in small steps, but actually, I've come a similar distance. Life is good for me and my DS, and I did that, I got us here. My exH still flaps about in his self made drama on the edge of things, but I barely notice these days.

I think, in time, you'll see your strength and wisdom reflected back at you via your DD 💖

@Tiddleypops how lovely to hear from you and see you here supporting someone else who's been there! I knew you'd be on here passing on what you have learned and I'm so glad life is good for you.

You are definitely one of my tally and I'm going to keep adding to it.

I don’t know if you have a court order for current arrangements or not. I would be concerned that he will push for sole care and that there will be times this happens with his new place because it must be constricting for his parents to be present for 48 hrs etc.

I would look into legal options so that you had paperwork and a legal process ready to press the button if something goes off rather than waiting for a solicitor appointment, then compiling relevant paperwork etc. I have no clue about the process but it would be good to know.

I would also keep updating and in close contact with nursery / school around the situation.

@Tiddleypops thats so lovely to hear. I completely get you in the fact it's hard to acknowledge the change in ourselves snd what we've accomplished but looking back at this thread is like a journal really for me. I'm so happy you have managed to find a peaceful life. The flapping around the edges I completely get- it's just sometimes the flapping causes enough drama to be a bother.

I have not got a court order not for lack of trying, but because the judge didn't grant one due to us working well together as we were. I certainly agree that I need to get a fresh take on the situation but I'm not hopeful for any legal help after my previous experience

It’s good at least that you know the ropes.

But remember that he will likely deteriorate maybe mentally and physically - so keep a very close eye and log everything - as if / when things decline the courts will have to consider new evidence.

Hello everyone- I thought I'd update the thread in case anyone is interested in how my story is unfolding or if anyone has experience of similar.

I've gone through a solicitor to request more information on his current condition due to concerns that he is trying to re-apply for his licence and buy a house. I requested we agree to continue to have contact at his parents and he's not to drive her.

He says no further information will be provided so I have been told i can withdraw contact on welfare grounds. This weekend contact has been allowed as his parents have agreed to be the guardians and she won't leave their side. They told me things are very bad and that i should follow this legal path 'to the end'. Which was a shock.

I'm assuming I can just get on as normal and not plan any further arrangements and let him come to me with evidence of his suitability to have her. It's strange that even though I know i'm justified and in a strong position his nasty messages to me are making me nervous. Anyway, that's where i am.

I'm so sorry things are tough for you again and that as expected he is spiralling. It's huge that you have his parents onside though. Between their concerns and yours, I think ensuring that he doesn't ever have unsupervised contact is going to be really important and you should prioritise that as much as you can. If he does get his licence back, his parents will also have to be prepared to inform on him the moment he drink drives again.

Wow, they really do stay true to form, don’t they?! That’s brilliant that his parents are being supportive. My In laws have their heads totally in the sand. He may find it much tougher than he hopes to get his licence back- for a diagnosed alcoholic, I’m pretty sure they require 12 months proof of unbroken abstinence. Was he diagnosed? If not, you might want to report him to the dvla in order to protect your dc.

stick to your plan here. The court will most probably require testing to reinstate contact. Does indirect contact work or does he turn up drunk for that too?

The nastiness is also depressingly familiar to me. It’s not ok for him to do that. Do you have a non-molestation order? If not, could you apply for one? Sorry if you’ve mentioned this up thread (I haven’t re-read). My advice is not to respond at all unless just to repeat your very reasonable terms.

best of luck!

I'm nor sure how a definitive diagnosis would be made or the details of his medical history as he won't tell me (this is something i've asked for in order to decide on the conditions of contact) but he has completed a rehabilitation programme and has told me that his GP has said he was dependent. What's confusing me is that he says he's no longer dependant and that he now drinks 'out of habit' because of boredom' etc and that 'rehab doesn't work for everyone but his GP is happy'. From my understanding the only aim would be complete abstinence and so this is what's blurry.

His parents are frustratingly quiet usually but things must have got really bad for them to answer my message.

Bad choice of word from me- sorry! I would think if he’s been to rehab and the gp has been aware, of dependence, that’s as close as you’d get to ‘diagnosis’.

if he’s not ready to stop, no amount of rehab is going to help. Sounds like he’s still hiding on denial. You know what’s real and what’s not. Stay strong and don’t let him make you second guess yourself.

Oh I didn't mean to question your wording I just don't know how it all works! So based in what he's said I assume that's pretty definite 'diagnosis' then?

He's text me proposed plans for next contact completely ignoring all the emails and issues that went on last week... i just don't know what will get through to him