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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't stand it any more

191 replies

OriginalMe · 27/11/2019 18:31

I'm sorry to moan but I just wanted to get all this out.

I had a baby 9 weeks ago, planned with my partner. Both over the moon. He was such a caring, loving partner. I thought he'd be a great dad as he has a son who he has always had majority care of.

However, I'm so disappointed. He's never bathed her, he's changed her 5 times in her life, never asks to hold her, never offers. If I ask him to hold her whilst I go to the toilet he asks why I can't just take her with me and hold her (sometimes she won't be put down). When I shower I have to put her in her bouncy chair in the bathroom with me. I don't know why he will do everything for his oldest but nothing for the baby.

I breastfeed and she clusterfeeds from teatime til around 10pm. He's never brought me so much as a glass of water let alone food. Last night he bought a take away for himself and the boys which I can't have as I have coeliac disease and he didn't think to make me anything. Occasionally we'll all go out for food and I end up with something very small because he'll order loads of things plus alcohol and obviously the kids have proper meals so there's no money for me to have a proper meal without taking it out of our food budget.

I'm on mat leave but have a decent job. I'm going to have to go back early because he's just handed his 4 weeks notice in without a full time job lined up which we can't afford so I'm gutted about having to leave the baby but what choice do I have?

It's come to me going to the bathroom and bursting into tears regularly it's awful. I know I need to leave but I can't immediately so I'm just concentrating on planning it right now. I feel so totally alone.

Thanks to anyone reading.

OP posts:
GooGoo52 · 27/11/2019 18:37

He's an ass. You deserve better. How long has he been treating you like dirt? Do you have family you can stay with or somewhere else to go? You need to take the baby and leave.

Original poster
OriginalMe · 27/11/2019 18:55

I don't have anyone to stay with. I have a boy as well who's school age

OP posts:
Original poster
OriginalMe · 27/11/2019 18:56

It started after I had the baby. No sign of anything like this previously. Has always been helpful and done 50/50

OP posts:
Wildorchidz · 27/11/2019 18:57

How long are you with him?

Elieza · 27/11/2019 18:58

Is he scared that the baby is too delicate perhaps?

Or just an ignorant, selfish, thoughtless, lazy individual?

Trustyourinnersatnav · 27/11/2019 19:00

Have you spoken to him about this? Perhaps he is having trouble bonding with your little one. No it's not right to be treated this way, definitely something that should be talked about.

ohwheniknow · 27/11/2019 19:01

I'm so sorry. Flowers It's not unusual for men like this to wait until there's a baby to reveal their true nature.

How far are you with planning? Can we help (if that's what you want)?

ohwheniknow · 27/11/2019 19:03

Occasionally we'll all go out for food and I end up with something very small because he'll order loads of things plus alcohol and obviously the kids have proper meals so there's no money for me to have a proper meal without taking it out of our food budget.

as I have coeliac disease and he didn't think to make me anything

This behaviour has fuck all to do with him struggling to bond with the baby.

Original poster
OriginalMe · 27/11/2019 19:11

Is he scared that the baby is too delicate perhaps? No he just can't be bothered. It's always met with a sigh if I ask him tonhold his daughter.

Have you spoken to him about this? Yes many times. I just get shut down and told to "stop whittling".

ohwheniknow it's mainly saving money to move tbh. That's all I need to do. I feel so pathetic moaning about the food thing but it's just so selfish!

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 27/11/2019 19:15

What an awful man. I'm so sorry.

What's your housing situation (i.e. rent/mortgage and in whose name(s))? If you weren't going to have to support the whole family single-handedly, could you afford somewhere else on your own with just your DCs without having to cut your maternity leave short?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 27/11/2019 19:15

So when you go back to work is he planning on being a stay at home dad as hell have no job?

Cocobean30 · 27/11/2019 19:18

So sorry OP. You can’t live like this. What kind of father isn’t fawning over his baby all the time and happy to help? He will be a miserable influence in the babies life and drag you all down. Do you have family you can stay with, do you own the house? Do not go back to work early, kick him out

Original poster
OriginalMe · 27/11/2019 19:22

FetchezLaVache it's rented. I don't have enough money to move.

WhoKnewBeefStew No he has a bank shift job. Can't afford a sahp.

Cocobean30 No family to stay with. I'll have to go back to financially support my children.

OP posts:
ohwheniknow · 27/11/2019 19:24

It's not pathetic to be upset that someone who's supposed to care about you and have your back is perfectly happy for you to go without a proper meal. That's pretty damn basic.

Be careful about him ending up as "primary carer" before you leave.

puds11 · 27/11/2019 19:31

Men can have post natal depression too. Worth remembering.

It is not nice feeling unsupported and as it’s so out of character for how he was before I’d maybe broach the subject with him.

puds11 · 27/11/2019 19:32

I meant not nice for you feeling unsupported, sorry that wasn’t clear.

Original poster
OriginalMe · 27/11/2019 19:47

puds11 I'm well aware of that. why would pnd make him only be like this with me and our daughter but not his son or other family friends? Why would it mean he can't even fetch me a glass of water when im breastfeeding? Why would it mean he orders a ridiculous amount of food to watch me go hungry? He sees friends minimum 3 times a week and does all his usual stuff. I've spoken to him about it but he just sees me as being in the wrong.

I've had ptsd and depression following brutal sexual attacks but it never made me treat anybody poorly. If I had pnd I couldn't just stop changing my daughter or providing basic care for her. I'd be done for neglect.

OP posts:
Trustyourinnersatnav · 27/11/2019 19:49

Such a shame he is unable to communicate with you. It must make you feel incredibly lonely, at a time where you need lots of love and support. I do wonder if it could be pnd on his behalf. Nevertheless, being treated in this way is detrimental to you and needs to change Flowers

fit4more · 27/11/2019 19:51

Oh wow. This is awful to read. You wonder how he can be so hands on with his son...I’m betting he became like that when that child became “easy” no nappies, talking, able to follow instructions...my husband was exactly like this with the baby. If I’d known, I would never had kids with him. He actually told me “I’ll start parenting when they’re about 7 and it matters” and he was true to his word. He jumped in as “hero dad” as soon as the drudgery work was done and he gets all the hero worship from the kids and “love you daddy” comments. He didn’t take our eldest out on his own until he was walking. Don’t be me. Don’t let him get away with it. It’s too late for me as that ship has sailed but I wish I’d left him back then. Now I have huge simmering resentment and it’s destroyed my good nature, hope, health, ability to enjoy my life. I hate him and I hate myself for putting up with it. I literally wish I had a different life every single day. It’s sad and exhausting. Get out. Tell him exactly why and stand up for yourself. Or be me and let it/him destroy you and everything about you.

Heartburn888 · 27/11/2019 19:54

Wow what a selfish prick. You basically are a single mother so tell him to pack his bags and take his kids and fuck off

blackteasplease · 27/11/2019 19:55

Leave now. Do what ever it takes. Women’s aid can help. Go to a refuge if needs beS He sounds appalling and abusive. Watching you go hungry- deliberately, in ways that can’t possibly be called just thoughtless - is incredibly worrying.

Leave with baby (and your son) BEFORE he leaves his job. This is vital. He cannot be trusted to stay at home and care for baby, and he can’t be allowed to argue he’s primary carer.

Do you know the real reason why he split with his ex? I don’t mean this to be insensitive if there’s something tragic in the backstory.

Bluntness100 · 27/11/2019 19:57

Occasionally we'll all go out for food and I end up with something very small because he'll order loads of things plus alcohol and obviously the kids have proper meals so there's no money for me to have a proper meal without taking it out of our food budget

What? That's just awful. It's cruel. He makes you sit there eating something small whilst him and the kids dig in?

You need to end this, it's not going to get better.

Original poster
OriginalMe · 27/11/2019 19:59

fit4more thank you for your post Flowers I do feel for you. I was a single parent to my son before so I know I can do it. It is making me hate him. He just doesn't care about me at all. Or our daughter. It's so sad when parents don't care enough to even provide basic care for their children.

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 27/11/2019 20:01

He probably doesn’t care for anyone, not really. People like that don’t. He might appear to care for his son but I’ll bet there’s a self interest behind it.

It’s not you, it’s him.

Original poster
OriginalMe · 27/11/2019 20:02

blackteasplease they split because she just didn't want to be a mother. She doesn't see their son much, I've heard it from her. I don't think I can go to women's aid, I'm not being abused. And now 2 posters have mentioned pnd I feel awful!

OP posts: