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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't stand it any more

191 replies

OriginalMe · 27/11/2019 18:31

I'm sorry to moan but I just wanted to get all this out.

I had a baby 9 weeks ago, planned with my partner. Both over the moon. He was such a caring, loving partner. I thought he'd be a great dad as he has a son who he has always had majority care of.

However, I'm so disappointed. He's never bathed her, he's changed her 5 times in her life, never asks to hold her, never offers. If I ask him to hold her whilst I go to the toilet he asks why I can't just take her with me and hold her (sometimes she won't be put down). When I shower I have to put her in her bouncy chair in the bathroom with me. I don't know why he will do everything for his oldest but nothing for the baby.

I breastfeed and she clusterfeeds from teatime til around 10pm. He's never brought me so much as a glass of water let alone food. Last night he bought a take away for himself and the boys which I can't have as I have coeliac disease and he didn't think to make me anything. Occasionally we'll all go out for food and I end up with something very small because he'll order loads of things plus alcohol and obviously the kids have proper meals so there's no money for me to have a proper meal without taking it out of our food budget.

I'm on mat leave but have a decent job. I'm going to have to go back early because he's just handed his 4 weeks notice in without a full time job lined up which we can't afford so I'm gutted about having to leave the baby but what choice do I have?

It's come to me going to the bathroom and bursting into tears regularly it's awful. I know I need to leave but I can't immediately so I'm just concentrating on planning it right now. I feel so totally alone.

Thanks to anyone reading.

OP posts:
Elieza · 29/11/2019 12:52

OP your story makes me really sad. He isn’t good enough for you and you are going through this shite because if him.

He really shouldn’t touch you sexually when you are clearly busy and then sulk if he doesn’t get his way.

Sex is supposed to be a mutual thing. If one person says no it’s not an invite to shove a finger in them. What, are you supposed to be grateful he didnt rape you or something? You are not just a warm receptacle for him to use whenever he feels like it. He shouldnt be touching you whenever he wants, wtf is he thinking.

I couldn’t imagine having to stay with someone who did that to me, especially with your history that he knows about. Unbelievable. He has no consideration. What he’s doing is sexual assault. People get jailed for such things.

I really hope you can find the strength to get away from him. He is not good enough for you or your children. When you do get away from him I bet you feel soooo much happier. He brings nowt to the relationship.

RhinoskinhaveI · 29/11/2019 12:54

This man is vile scum

Loladoodle · 29/11/2019 13:15

To do that to you at all... let alone whilst changing your baby is absolutely vile! There is something very sinister about that, I really think he is a highly dangerous and manipulative excuse for a human being. The sooner you are away from him the better- you and your babies needs are not a priority for him, if anything you are an object for him to abuse whenever he feels like it. He is sick. I’m so angry for you! Sounds like some counselling about what is acceptable in a relationship would really be of benefit to you for the future as you deserve so much more than this!

WhoKnewBeefStew · 29/11/2019 13:19

I'm horrified to read that... no he doesn't have a right to touch you at any point!! He sounds vile op

Original poster
OriginalMe · 29/11/2019 13:26

Hillfarmer sorry I couldn't think of another word! I meant he'll it at times such as changing or bathing the baby, cooking dinner or washing up etc etc.

Hidingtonothing thank you Flowers

blackteasplease I'm definitely leaving him. But you're right about the police I'll never be "there". I've reported other things before but I don't think they believe victims/survivors. It would be my word against his. I think society as a whole still sides with and believes men over women.

OP posts:
SexIsAProtectedCharacteristic · 29/11/2019 13:28

Please keep talking OP.

Like others have said, that was sexual assault. Not "inconvenience". He wasn't pushy, he assaulted you. He saw you changing your child so you couldn't take your eyes or hands away and thought that was an opportunity to force sexual contact on you. He is a monster.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 29/11/2019 13:40

Keep talking. Everything you can think of that he does which is abusive. Sexual abuse is sadly common for arseholes like this. You're no longer an autonomous person to him. The fact he knows you've been a victim before spurs him on. You've been targeted.

I hope the posts here supporting you strengthen your resolve to leave ASAP.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 29/11/2019 16:24

Aw love, Hillfarmer wasn't criticising you at all. She was getting angry on your behalf about the disgusting way he treated you. And pointing out that you were underplaying the seriousness of it. Yes, you're right, he chooses inconvenient times, but it is so so much more serious than that, what he does. I hope you can see how it is assault.

I'm glad you're planning to leave this man.

RhinoskinhaveI · 29/11/2019 18:02

he regards you as a piece of equipment that he owns and should have unfettered access to
you should start seeing him for the garbage that he is and get rid of him

12345kbm · 29/11/2019 18:20

Hi OP, you say you've spoken to Women's Aid, and that's really brave of you. I know how hard that is to do. Have you contacted your friend yet about the flat? Do you have a bag packed hidden or with a friend, in case you have to leave in a hurry?

I really think time is of the essence here. When do you think you can move out?

Dolorabelle · 29/11/2019 19:01

why would pnd make him only be like this with me and our daughter but not his son or other family friends? Why would it mean he can't even fetch me a glass of water when im breastfeeding? Why would it mean he orders a ridiculous amount of food to watch me go hungry?

Because he's abusive.

He thinks you are in his power now.

Dolorabelle · 29/11/2019 19:02

ooops I just RTFT - I'm glad you're arranging to leave him. He's an abuser

Hillfarmer · 29/11/2019 23:33

Dear OP, I meant no criticism at all. I was just horrified at what he has done. You are expressing yourself perfectly well. I wish I could help you. I hate this man. You sound lovely. I do want you to be away from him as soon as humanly possible.

Weenurse · 29/11/2019 23:54

💐

Ogham · 30/11/2019 00:40

I’m so glad you are leaving him and agree with pp that his actions sound very sinister. He’s disgusting and I would plan to leave ASAP. You sound like a strong, intelligent person xx

Original poster
OriginalMe · 30/11/2019 02:21

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas I know she wasn't I didn't mean it to come across like that, I was just trying to explain why I chose that word. I'm sorry! And sorry hillfarmer!

12345kbm I haven't packed a bag yet. I haven't plucked up th courage to speak to her yet but we are meeting up next week.

He did the same thing tonight whilst I was bathing the baby. Tmi/trigger warning again......he put some liquid soap on his fingers and put them inside me. It hurt and I said it was hurting and he got in a huff again.

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 30/11/2019 02:33

Ok. But really, no apology necessary!

Soap?! Angry Hmm, how would he feel if you put soap in his eyes, I wonder? And then you can huff, "Can't even touch my own boyfriend."

Seriously though, I don't know how you live with this. You won't feel like it now, but you are very strong just to keep going, ensuring such treatment.

Get away as soon as you can. Flowers

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 30/11/2019 02:34

Enduring

Hidingtonothing · 30/11/2019 02:50

Every new post makes me feel a bit more desperate to see you out of there and away from him OP, he's utterly disgusting Angry Next week can't come soon enough, I so hope your friend can help 🤞

chachachachachacha · 30/11/2019 03:04

Omg op. What the actual fuck. Please don't wait a week. Is it possible to go into a refuge?

timeisnotaline · 30/11/2019 03:30

This is sexual assault. You can say no I don’t want you to touch me now every time he does this and log it as a sexual crime.

RantyAnty · 30/11/2019 04:46

What a vile pos.

Are you able to change and bathe the baby somewhere where you can lock the door?

It sounds like he is escalating as he thinks you are leaving.

On the day you leave, I would lightly sprinkle hot chili powder in his underwear drawer. See how he likes it.

CoupeCourte · 30/11/2019 06:45

What an awful man he is. I understand you don't feel you can tell the police - it might help, if you would feel comfortable, to tell the Women's Aid worker. It sounds like he's escalating the physical abuse and I'd repeat previous advice to speed up your departure if you possibly can. Thanks

Lysianthus · 30/11/2019 07:07

I feel so sorry for you, is there any chance you might get a moment today to speak to your friend with the large house? When he isn’t around? I think you shouldn’t wait till next week, this is a horrendous situation to be in. Sending you virtual 🤗

12345kbm · 30/11/2019 07:23

Hi OP, the best idea is to dial 101 and speak to the police but if you don't feel up to that, then try the NCDV.

You really need to get away from him OP. You may be able to get an emergency Occupation Order from the NCDV in order to get him away from you. Please get some advice on that as soon as you can. You can call them to ask: 0800 970 2070 www.ncdv.org.uk/

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