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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't stand it any more

191 replies

OriginalMe · 27/11/2019 18:31

I'm sorry to moan but I just wanted to get all this out.

I had a baby 9 weeks ago, planned with my partner. Both over the moon. He was such a caring, loving partner. I thought he'd be a great dad as he has a son who he has always had majority care of.

However, I'm so disappointed. He's never bathed her, he's changed her 5 times in her life, never asks to hold her, never offers. If I ask him to hold her whilst I go to the toilet he asks why I can't just take her with me and hold her (sometimes she won't be put down). When I shower I have to put her in her bouncy chair in the bathroom with me. I don't know why he will do everything for his oldest but nothing for the baby.

I breastfeed and she clusterfeeds from teatime til around 10pm. He's never brought me so much as a glass of water let alone food. Last night he bought a take away for himself and the boys which I can't have as I have coeliac disease and he didn't think to make me anything. Occasionally we'll all go out for food and I end up with something very small because he'll order loads of things plus alcohol and obviously the kids have proper meals so there's no money for me to have a proper meal without taking it out of our food budget.

I'm on mat leave but have a decent job. I'm going to have to go back early because he's just handed his 4 weeks notice in without a full time job lined up which we can't afford so I'm gutted about having to leave the baby but what choice do I have?

It's come to me going to the bathroom and bursting into tears regularly it's awful. I know I need to leave but I can't immediately so I'm just concentrating on planning it right now. I feel so totally alone.

Thanks to anyone reading.

OP posts:
Original poster
OriginalMe · 30/11/2019 09:22

RantyAnty our bathroom has a lock which can be opened from the outside so there's nowhere to go.

chachachachachacha I really don't want to go to a refuge, I feel there are people who need it more than me, fleeing violence etc.

Thanks everyone for the support and advice Flowers

OP posts:
pointythings · 30/11/2019 09:57

OriginalMe what your partner is doing to you is violence. Sexual assault is violence. He's ramping it up - you really need to get out, get help or both. I fear for you.

Ogham · 30/11/2019 10:20

I’m sorry but the fact that he does this while you’re changing/bathing your baby daughter makes it even more disturbing. I’d never leave her alone with him! He is revolting and disturbed. You are experiencing DV and you are deserving of a place in a refuge. Either that or open up to your friend that can help u, today.

Elieza · 30/11/2019 11:53

Because of your past you think “he could be worse” so you are putting up with this treatment. “He’s not that bad” type thing.

He IS that bad. He is hurting you. It’s not normal. I wouldn’t be putting up with that. If your daughter was say 18 and she told you her boyfriend was doing those things to her how would you feel? Would you say it’s not that bad? No you wouldn’t. You’d tell her to pack her things and get away from him. We are saying the same to you.

How long will it just be a bit sore before he does something worse and does real physical damage to you and it’s really sore, all because he’s horny and I’d just using you for his sexual gratification whenever he feels horny. Whether you are into it or not. At the moment he is stopping and sulking when you say no. How long will that last before he gets sexually frustrated and your no will not be respected. He’s sexually assaulting you on a daily basis. Please seek help.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 30/11/2019 12:08

How are you feeling today, OP? I wouldn't be surprised if the posts here are a bit overwhelming. Hopefully they're reassuring you that your sense that you need this to stop is absolutely appropriate. Keep plucking up courage to speak to your friend. You can tell her you don't want to go into detail. Maybe just say he hurts you and he doesn't care? Think what you're comfortable saying to her.

chachachachachacha · 30/11/2019 13:13

Op it is violence. And like everyone else I fear the escalation and that next time it will be much much worse. Abuse ramps up. The women you think are experiencing much worse than you were likely going through the same escalation at some point.

Cherrysoup · 30/11/2019 16:25

He sounds horrific, OP. Please get out as soon as you can. I wonder if his ds’s mum left because he was like this and she couldn’t see how to escape otherwise.

Aminuts23 · 30/11/2019 16:48

Oh OP I feel sick and outraged on your behalf. You really need to leave and quickly. He’s sexually assaulting you whilst you are tending to your baby. I just can’t imagine how you must feel. He’s the absolute scum of the earth. You poor thing.

ysmaem · 30/11/2019 17:34

My ex was absolutely useless with our kids when they were babies too. I remember going out with friends for a glass of wine and he only had to look after the baby for a couple of hours. The minute I walked in he handed me the baby and went straight to bed. He wouldn't hold them while I ate, wouldn't bathe them, never woke up to do the night feeds. It was infuriating! He didn't start shifting his weight until they were around 5 years old. It was almost like he thought that they were easier to care for now they've reached this age, less work involved. Put your foot down OP and tell him he'll have to help out more with your child. Dont ask him to mind the baby, tell him to do it. "I'm going for a shower watch the baby" not "will you mind the baby so I can take a shower" and if he suggests you take the baby with you you either be firm and say no or dont bother answering at all and just carry on as if he hasn't said anything.

ConcentricCircles · 30/11/2019 21:04

OP , to stop him opening the door when you're in the bathroom with your LO, drop a couple of towels onto the floor immediately behind the door once you're inside. If he then tries to open the door the towels will catch under it and even if he manages to push it open an inch or so, that should be it.

I really don't want to go to a refuge, I feel there are people who need it more than me, fleeing violence etc

pointythings · 30/11/2019 21:43

ysmaem please read the full thread before posting. There's a lot more going on here than a bloke being a bit useless with a baby.

Weenurse · 30/11/2019 21:45

His sexual violence is a concern. That he does not recognise it as such is a huge concern.
How would he respond if you call him out on it?
“What you just did to me constitutes rape”
“I did not give you permission to penetrate me, that was rape”
“How would you respond if I penetrated your arse while you were changing the baby?”
I am also one who would report to police.

Original poster
OriginalMe · 30/11/2019 23:22

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas thank you for asking. I feel awful. I can't eat or sleep and I feel on edge and anxious. Yes I do feel very overwhelmed by it but equally I'm very thankful for the support and listening ears.

ysmaem I don't feel able to put my foot down any further. I'm going for a shower watch the baby just isn't me, it isn't how I'd speak to anyone and the boys would hear too. Anyway twice my partner's been giving her a cuddle and she's been settled so I've gone for a shower. As soon as the baby makes a sound she's in her bouncy chair in the bathroom whilst I'm in the shower.

We were watching a series together. The last time we watched it I fell asleep 15mins before the end. Tonight he wouldn't let me rewind it so I asked what had happened. He said "if you want to know what's happened don't fall asleep you fucking retard".

I also fancied some chocolate this evening as everything he buys has biscuit in which I can't eat. One of the cupboards has my gluten free food in such as bread/pasta/flour etc etc so I put it in there. I was upstairs changing and feeding dd when him and step son got home (my son's at his grandparents with his cousins having a sleepover). I went downstairs and him and my stepson were just polishing off my whole bag of aero bubbles. I was clearly unhappy and he said he couldn't believe I was being so pathetic over some chocolate whilst getting a whole pack of kitkats out and eating them.

It's not about the chocolate itself. It's about what it represents. Another thing he does is if I get up off the sofa he'll put things where I was sat and everywhere else so I have to move them before I can sit down. I know that sounds pathetic!

OP posts:
ironickname · 30/11/2019 23:36

I'm so sorry Op. I'm afraid that many of us find that the men are a bit of a let down when babies arrive.

My advice is priories you and your baby, he can either pull his socks up or fit in around you.

I've been there, I know.

DishingOutDone · 01/12/2019 00:04

@ironickname - please say you haven't read the thread ....

ironickname · 01/12/2019 00:09

@DishingOutDone

God no! I didn't see the other feeds, but have just read (as I should have before replying).

Poor op.

Original poster
OriginalMe · 01/12/2019 00:15

Weenurse I don't think I could physically say that to him as pathetic as that sounds.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 01/12/2019 01:10

Could you write to him?
He needs to understand how wrong this is

chachachachachacha · 01/12/2019 03:22

No point. This man is dangerous. He doesn't care about how she feels and will not change. The only thing you can do op is leave ASAP. He is a nasty piece of work. I wish I knew you in real life so I could come get you and kick the fucker in the balls.

blackteasplease · 01/12/2019 10:19

^^ what chachachacha says. There’s no point talking to, writing to, trying to deal with him in any way!

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 01/12/2019 14:44

I agree: someone capable of sexual assault and complete lack of concern as to his partner's feelings about anything is not going to listen to her even if she wrote the best, most persuasive letter ever.

I'm going for a shower watch the baby just isn't me, it isn't how I'd speak to anyone and the boys would hear too

For the future, just bear in mind that this is perfectly normal, polite and assertive. Which is a great way to speak to your DC. It communicates to them! Here's a job I'd like you to do, I expect you to go do it now. In this case, it's such an easy thing to do, watch the baby, and such an essential part of parenting - and he is the parent! - that normal partners wouldn't bat an eyelid if you said it, they'd just say "of course, take your time."

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 01/12/2019 14:47

Oh, and the chocolate thing is not remotely pathetic. I have a cold and my period today, so I know the importance of a bit of comfort food! His reaction is horrible. He has utter contempt for you. Living with that is a killer.

Elieza · 01/12/2019 20:22

If he did that with my chocolate I’d have removed his heart with a spoon (as it says in Robin Hood with Kevin Costner).

That would be my line in the sand.

Every time you say something else it just makes me more sure I am right in suggesting you will be sooo much happier if you can get away from this pig. You are being used and abused. You know he’s out of order. Though he’s been like this for so long you are trying to justify it rather than go as that’s very scary. I get it.

Follow womens aid’s advice and do what they advise.

Trust us. We are all saying leave. There ain’t no mixed Brexit messages here. Leave! Smile

Weenurse · 02/12/2019 07:41

Agree, time to plan an escape

Whatdoyouexpect · 02/12/2019 10:15

I'm going for a shower watch the baby just isn't me, it isn't how I'd speak to anyone and the boys would hear too

Honestly, OP, there is absolutely nothing wrong with this request or how it is said - not at all. It is straightforward, clear and polite. Why do you think it's not acceptable?

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