I can't stand it any more

[OriginalMe]

I'm sorry to moan but I just wanted to get all this out.

I had a baby 9 weeks ago, planned with my partner. Both over the moon. He was such a caring, loving partner. I thought he'd be a great dad as he has a son who he has always had majority care of.

However, I'm so disappointed. He's never bathed her, he's changed her 5 times in her life, never asks to hold her, never offers. If I ask him to hold her whilst I go to the toilet he asks why I can't just take her with me and hold her (sometimes she won't be put down). When I shower I have to put her in her bouncy chair in the bathroom with me. I don't know why he will do everything for his oldest but nothing for the baby.

I breastfeed and she clusterfeeds from teatime til around 10pm. He's never brought me so much as a glass of water let alone food. Last night he bought a take away for himself and the boys which I can't have as I have coeliac disease and he didn't think to make me anything. Occasionally we'll all go out for food and I end up with something very small because he'll order loads of things plus alcohol and obviously the kids have proper meals so there's no money for me to have a proper meal without taking it out of our food budget.

I'm on mat leave but have a decent job. I'm going to have to go back early because he's just handed his 4 weeks notice in without a full time job lined up which we can't afford so I'm gutted about having to leave the baby but what choice do I have?

It's come to me going to the bathroom and bursting into tears regularly it's awful. I know I need to leave but I can't immediately so I'm just concentrating on planning it right now. I feel so totally alone.

Thanks to anyone reading.

Please report the sexual assualts to the police as soon as you are safe. Report EVERYTHING - because it will be ammunition for you in preventing 50-50 care in the longer term. He's abusive.

fizzygreenwater makes a very good point if you possible can. But concentrate on getting away and safe first. That’s your priority.

FizzyGreenWater I've experience of reporting rape and sexual abuse/assault and just found it made everything worse. Nobody believes you.

At the moment I'm just getting through each day. I'm going to work on Wednesday just for a catchup. If he's home I usually take dd out somewhere to get out. This suits him as he can do what he wants all day at home.

I look at him and I just feel so numb. Everything makes me feel numb apart from the children.

You don't sound pathetic at all, he has a major gaslighting campaign going on, all these little attacks add up, I think he's shark infested custard though isn't he, nasty dangerous but fortunately thick🤣😂
you can see through him (let's hope he gets a taste of his own medicine one day 😈)

Just keep posting OP. You HAVE seen the light and that's a massive step.

My god I wish I could scoop you up and carry you away. I nearly cried reading about him assaulting you, but the soap tipped me over into white hot rage.

You must leave this man, he respects you so little that he continues to sexually assault you when you say no even knowing your history and how even more traumatic it would be for you.

I'm a fellow victim and survivor and understand that in the immediate moment you freeze as a survival mechanism rather than shouting and screaming like some people who don't understand tell us to do. You are being assaulted and violated in your own home and that is unforgivable and not the actions of a responsible father.

I think you know you must leave now and that you must make that a permanent decision. We are all here for you if you need support, whether emotional or practical

I'll second that AFairlyHardAvocado, you have to come to terms with all this in your own time, we know that OP but when you're ready to start making a plan we'll be here, ready to support you. None of us want you to be treated like this a second longer but realistically you need time to think everything through and we're here for that too, keep posting if it helps you work it all out in your head

I feel really sad that your previous experience of reporting has left you feeling unbelieved and unsupported. I also hope that if you were to feel able to report his behaviour that you would find things very different. Hopefully someone will be able to share their experience and at least allay that particular concern. I imagine that you would be able to have a friend with you to support you and to ensure that your voice is heard and his assaults on your body (and mind) are taken seriously. He really is a vile POS, as others have already said. I too felt the same as AFairlyHardAvocado and wanted to scoop you up.

shark infested custard well that has brought a smile to my face at least!

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support, I really appreciate it.

He said something yesterday which I've been thinking about since. I was saying about when it's time for weaning I'll hopefully do the same for dd as I did for ds. This it turns out was different to what he did for ss. I just said we'll do whatever suits dd in the end, which will probably be different again! He snapped at me "you can do what you like with your kids and I'll do what I like with mine." It kind of shows how he views dd. My responsibility wholly. It stupidly upset me, almost as though it confirmed my suspicions. He doesn't view dd as an equal child to his.

I need a new plan for where to go because the friends house is a no go. I'm not asking or sharing my situation with her as she'll feel bad she can't help. We spoke last night and she's seriously unwell.

Therebythedoor My close family member knows about some of the previous sexual abuse. She's a police officer. She has explained the process to me, likely outcomes etc and obviously I grew up hearing stories of some police officers. When I dis try and report the police officer refused to get me a female police officer to speak to. He said it was discriminatory and if it got to court that would count against me. I didn't know any better at the time. Looking back I feel like an idiot!

What the police officer said is outrageous!

Not to mention what your P said about his own DD. I guess girls are worth less in his eyes?

Sorry your friend's place is off the cards. It's good you've got Women's Aid to help with a new plan.

Looking back I feel like an idiot!
You really shouldn't. You were very badly let down by that police officer.

How are you getting on OP? x

How's it going original? As someone said the police officer was indeed outrageous and disappointing in the extreme. I reported a sexual assault on a tube in 1975 and was immediately asked if I'd like to speak to a female officer. How very depressing. Hope you have found refuge.

I hope this plan comes together for you OP, and sending hugs.
I also hope karma solidly shits on twatface asshat policedouchebag who told you you couldn’t speak to a female officer.

How are you?

KOKO you can do this