I can't stand it any more

[OriginalMe]

I'm sorry to moan but I just wanted to get all this out.

I had a baby 9 weeks ago, planned with my partner. Both over the moon. He was such a caring, loving partner. I thought he'd be a great dad as he has a son who he has always had majority care of.

However, I'm so disappointed. He's never bathed her, he's changed her 5 times in her life, never asks to hold her, never offers. If I ask him to hold her whilst I go to the toilet he asks why I can't just take her with me and hold her (sometimes she won't be put down). When I shower I have to put her in her bouncy chair in the bathroom with me. I don't know why he will do everything for his oldest but nothing for the baby.

I breastfeed and she clusterfeeds from teatime til around 10pm. He's never brought me so much as a glass of water let alone food. Last night he bought a take away for himself and the boys which I can't have as I have coeliac disease and he didn't think to make me anything. Occasionally we'll all go out for food and I end up with something very small because he'll order loads of things plus alcohol and obviously the kids have proper meals so there's no money for me to have a proper meal without taking it out of our food budget.

I'm on mat leave but have a decent job. I'm going to have to go back early because he's just handed his 4 weeks notice in without a full time job lined up which we can't afford so I'm gutted about having to leave the baby but what choice do I have?

It's come to me going to the bathroom and bursting into tears regularly it's awful. I know I need to leave but I can't immediately so I'm just concentrating on planning it right now. I feel so totally alone.

Thanks to anyone reading.

He's allowing you to go hungry. That's abuse!

Allowing you to go hungry isn’t PND though. He got himself a take-away. PND he wouldn’t be able to function enough to get a take-away

Actually it does sound like coercive control. Which is abuse.

Even if a refuge is not an option talking to Women's Aid might help in other ways.

Did his ex not want to be a mother at the beginning or after a year/couple of years? Did she get broken because she had to do it all with a background of verbal abuse like “stop wittering” and not being fed etc. You need to find out more. I’m wondering if he abused her so that she couldn’t take it and gave up

Those posters clearly didn't bother reading properly. It's not depression.

Original I guess it could have. I don’t know I’m not a therapist. Just seems odd that you’ve said he’s good with his son, was good with you before and now is utterly shite. Just thinking there could be something behind it worth investigating.

ohwheniknow how do you mean? I will try phoning them to talk it through.

You poor thing. What a horrible way to treat you. It is abusive and it is cruel and I would think that you will never be able to forgive him. I doubt that the bloke stuffing his gob and going out with his mates 3 times a week has PND, he has Selfish Fucking Sod Disorder. Its great that you have a good job and you will be able to support your lovely family but I hope that it doesn't include this foul specimen. Look after yourself and start planning.

I fail to believe this is all new behaviour and his never behaved like this in the past. Sorry OP

Leave his bum ass and get your own place for yourself and your children and depend on you because clearly you can’t depend on him. Good luck OP ❤️

fit4more from when she was pregnant (found out too late to terminate). My partner has always had majority care. I vaguely knew them through a previous job.

RebelWithVerySharpClaws thank you. Selfish Fucking Sod Disorder I'll remember that!

CTRL well I'm not lying? It was never like this before otherwise I wouldn't have stayed with him.

He is not depressed - he is an abuser who is finally showing his true colours. There prob were many red flags which you chose to ignore. But to leave you hungry is despicable.

Please get support to get well away. And get yourself on the Freedom Programme too.

I could be way off with the ex but i thought it was worth asking. That said, on reading your reply my first thought was “why did that happen, was it because being a mother for her was doing everything 24/7 etc.” If anyone in this story could have depression it sounds more like her! But as I said, I could be way out, and am by no means trying to diagnose anyone from a few lines.

I agree with others though - no way does it sound like he has pnd or any other depression. How would it be so selective for one thing? Also, it really shouldn’t be called pnd in men but that’s another topic.

OP you are being abused. Denying you food by overeating himself is abuse. Not bringing you water while you breastfeed is abuse. Watching you struggle to do everything so callously and accusing you of “whittling” is abuse.

It doesn’t have to be physical violence, although I would suggest someone who can deny their partner, especially a bf mother, food could easily use other kids of physical abuse.

Ex post as I see what you’ve now said about the ex.

blackteasplease Yes I think people do think things like that. It's unusual for the dad to be primary carer from birth. Even when I called her as stepson was ill in my care and was admitted to hospital she didn't visit him.

I've never really thought of it as abuse. I've been in an abusive relationship in the past but that was physical and sexual.

I wonder if it’s a weird kind of jealousy/control thing? If he did everything for his son from birth without the mother involved? Now you’re in the picture. Could he be a narcissist? Read up on it. So he’s not interested and dismissive unless he has complete autonomy? If you weren’t around and he had total control over the baby then he’d be fine but because you are the “mum” and number 1 to the baby he’d rather be not involved. Doesn’t like being second fiddle? Could it be that? You’d best read up on after pregnancy narcissism/psychology and see if you can find out. If it’s that then it’s not going to improve because it’s a weird psychology thing and he’ll keep ramping up the “devaluing” you in order to try to become top dog.

HeavenlyEyes no it was many years ago as a teenager. But nice victim blaming. I am strong enough to know being abused isn't my fault. It is the abusers fault. Fwiw I was sexually abused as a child for years so I didn't know what normal was. But I guess that's my fault too!

fit4more I'll definitely do some reading on those things. Thank you for making me feel like it isn't all my fault!

Absolutely not your fault at all!

I also didn’t read heavenlyeyes post that way. I thought she was just pointing out that sometimes one abusive relationship can lean to another, albeit Ive now read your reply.

Abused people are often targeted by other abusers. That is fact. Please do the freedom programme OP.

I did when I put the two posts together. "Choosing to ignore red flags" - I don't know why anyone would write it that way if they didn't want the other person to feel responsible.

MarianaMoatedGrange I did it a while ago along with extensive counselling. I must just be thick or something!

Oh @originalme don’t even start to think like that. This isn’t your fault, you are not remotely thick and you mustn’t for a second contemplate this is anything other than the fault of your vile P. His behaviour is horrible, and selfish, and you shouldn’t have to put up with it.

No, you're not thick! it very often takes strangers to see situations clearly. We don't know you, and are not emotionally involved. The way he's treating you - a stranger wouldn't treat you as badly. Can you see yourself not getting a breastfeeding mother a glass of water? Of course not.

Why he's like this, who knows. Certainly not male 'pnd', it's too selective. It's behaviour targeted at you - the vulnerable new mother.