I can't stand it any more

[OriginalMe]

I'm sorry to moan but I just wanted to get all this out.

I had a baby 9 weeks ago, planned with my partner. Both over the moon. He was such a caring, loving partner. I thought he'd be a great dad as he has a son who he has always had majority care of.

However, I'm so disappointed. He's never bathed her, he's changed her 5 times in her life, never asks to hold her, never offers. If I ask him to hold her whilst I go to the toilet he asks why I can't just take her with me and hold her (sometimes she won't be put down). When I shower I have to put her in her bouncy chair in the bathroom with me. I don't know why he will do everything for his oldest but nothing for the baby.

I breastfeed and she clusterfeeds from teatime til around 10pm. He's never brought me so much as a glass of water let alone food. Last night he bought a take away for himself and the boys which I can't have as I have coeliac disease and he didn't think to make me anything. Occasionally we'll all go out for food and I end up with something very small because he'll order loads of things plus alcohol and obviously the kids have proper meals so there's no money for me to have a proper meal without taking it out of our food budget.

I'm on mat leave but have a decent job. I'm going to have to go back early because he's just handed his 4 weeks notice in without a full time job lined up which we can't afford so I'm gutted about having to leave the baby but what choice do I have?

It's come to me going to the bathroom and bursting into tears regularly it's awful. I know I need to leave but I can't immediately so I'm just concentrating on planning it right now. I feel so totally alone.

Thanks to anyone reading.

At the time f your life when you want to be cosseted, fussed over sweetly and loved, he is not only depriving you of that, he is doing the opposite That's exactly how I feel. It's so sad.

I don't have anyone who I feel comfortable enough with to tell or to ask for help.

InnisandGunn Thank you, you sound so kind.

Just wondering how he treats other females, OP Just how he treats men really! He has female friends and family who he's normal with.

Preggosaurus9 I don't think it's my fault for "accepting it" I did say something to him but he carried on and it was too painful for me to stay sat there. The food thing has only happened since dd was born. Not bringing me food and water when I asked....I couldn't physically force him to do so. I explained how it made me feel and he would just sigh and go upstairs.

Paddy1234 Of course I've asked. I'm not just sitting there expecting to be a mind reader. He just ignores me completely, usually goes to another room, mainly upstairs.

Sounds like paddy is projecting to account for her own experience with a wash of victim blaming to! The sighing and huffing is to retain control because is no longer the centre of attention and because he resents that you have needs. He doesn't feel it's his responsibility to care for the baby or you. The problem is that whatever happens in your relationship, you will never be able to forget this. My DH did this and our marriage is still at crisis point 15 months on because any affection just feels fake after his utter lack of care. I would recommend lundy bancroft"s 'why does he do that'. For me, understanding that DH was being a dick to gain 'special privileges' in the relationship was a game changer. I had nothing to use so I have stripped those away huffing or not. My only caution to you is that your partner has shown you that he is not bothered about inflicting physical pain on you so I do think a chat with Women's aid would be advisable whatever you decide to do. They can talk you through having a safe exit strategy (even if you dont use it).

What a vile man. He was deliberately hurting you last night! Please get away from him.

The not "bollocking" him thing - yes, I thought that to begin with and then remembered when I was in an abusive relationship. And there were plenty of times I didn't speak up in similar situations, not because of fear exactly, but because it never got me kinder treatment and quite often blew up into a very tiresome conversation which left me feeling I couldn't get through to him or make him understand, and therefore feeling worse than before. The sighing and going upstairs - yes, familiar to me: it's passive aggressive and therefore abusive but you feel nuts labelling it as such!

blackcat86 thank you. I'm calling them today. You've been really helpful.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas Exactly. It doesn't make him kinder. And I feel silly calling such subtle things abuse.

One thing that springs to mind is did he want a boy? Does he resent you both as you have a daughter and he wanted another son? Does his own son like her also or does he avoid her?
It’s only a recurring thought I’m getting as I’m reading your thread. Good luck as this must be so hard for you x

And I feel silly calling such subtle things abuse.
Honestly - there is NOTHING subtle about it!
Nothing at all.
I do hope WA can help you with an exit plan.
Also call Rights of Women today and let them know what is going on.
Shelter can also help with advice on housing for you and your DC.
Do not put up with this OP.
It's abuse and it's horrible.
I'm so glad you've recognised it now.
Time to get that exit plan in place!

@OriginalMe sorry of course I know you can do it . Deep down so does this piece of excrement but he masks this fear in control and abuse. I just feel very sad and worried for you and your children.
His behaviour on the sofa last night is utterly hateful. In my own experience it’s the sleight of hand and less “obviously” aggressive acts that devastated and ultimately galvanised me more to leave. The overtly nasty things were bad enough but my ex used to do things like this to me and every time he did then something inside me died. He frequently used the children or my being pregnant or very recently postpartum to try to erode me and snuff out my light.

I hope that you get some advice and support today.
Thinking of you

F1ranwith2and1 I asked him that. When she was born he was over the moon to have a girl, so happy etc. He's always said he'd love a boy or girl. But it has crossed my mind. His son loves dd, can't keep him away from her!

hellsbellsmelons thank you. I'll update once I've spoken to them. I have a grand saved up already, always kept some emergency savings. It's just nowhere near enough for a deposit and first month's rent!

stophuggingme thank you, I didn't mean you didn't think I could, just wanted to assure you I've done it before. I'm so sorry you've been through that

The leaning on your shoulder and putting his legs behind you when it hurt is frightening. It is escalating the abuse and shows that it will continue to escalate. Possibly he senses a change in you now that you’ve begun to question his behaviour and needs to re assert control.

This is the way physical abuse begins, with instances that can be excused or put down to a mistake, not thinking etc . Oh he forgot it was my bad shoulder, he was just thoughtless is stretching his legs, he must have just been tired etc”

I always feel I have to say that my emotionally abusive ex wasn’t physically abusive because there are no clear cut instances - but he twice hit me with a pillow during the night, pushed me “back” when I was trying to stop him throwing my clothes around, destroying my property or blocking my way, etc.

Like you I was shocked that this man who’d been an amazing uncle, said he wanted six kids and told talk tales (unprompted) about the things he’d do with the kids Saturday mornings so I could lie in suddenly did nothing of use whatsoever with his (our) newborn daughter, who was born very sick.

Update if anyone is still reading:

I called women's aid. Just getting it all out and acknowledged has been great. I've told them everything, they believed me and didn't blame me.

They're going to help me plan my exit, even went through my finances with me. They said I may get some benefits and they can help me as it can be complicated.

I need to think some things through. When I was a single parent before I was offered the top floor of my friend's house, we're not particularly close but she's very kind. They're wealthy and have 3 floors, the top floor has 2 bedrooms and a bathroom but it isn't used as there have plenty of bedrooms on the middle floor. She said I could stay there until I found a rental. Luckily I found one and it was vacant so I didn't need to. I may open up a bit to her and see if this could be an option. It would mean I can save and have some breathing space. I wouldn't want to be a burden though!

My partner and I spoke about what would happen if we split now we have the baby. This was hypothetical as we would have to sync the kids up! He seems to think he would get 50/50 even though she's still weeks old and breastfed. He said judges make mothers express milk of they are breastfeeding so the baby stays with their father over night as it's in the baby's best interest. Now I said that was bollocks, they couldn't do that, they would more likely prefer the baby saw their father regularly but short periods of time. He's convinced he is right and said he would want 50/50 whatever her age. I know he's wrong but I do believe he would try for it. I did say he would have to care for her such as changing nappies and bathing her. He said of course he would, he doesn't now because I always do it before he gets chance. That isn't true btw, he'll say "I'll do it in my own time" leaves her for ages then gets in a huff when I do it (I won't allow her to sit in a dirty nappy, crying because she's uncomfortable and will get sore).

Well done
That’s the first step and definitely approach your friend I would do it if it was my friend and she needed help
And as for the bollocks about getting 50/50 of a seven week old breastfed baby when you are leaving him because he’s abusive. It also shows he’s nuts

Ignore ignore!

Sorry that last post was so long I couldn't stop myself!

stophuggingme Thank you. I brought it up because it's like I know it's bollocks. But he sounded so sure of himself I was unsure of myself if that makes sense!

Abusive men often say they will get, or go for, custody or 50/50. He's trying to frighten you so that you don't leave him. Please leave him!

Update if anyone is still reading:

There will ALWAYS be somebody still reading! 24/7. Your posts can be as long or as short as you like, or mulitple, as things occur to you.

So happy to read you have options to leave! I'm sure your friend would be pleased to help you re accommodation.

50/50? Yeah, nope.

ffs *MULTIPLE!

He is so full of shit his eyes are brown! No fucking judge on the bench would force a breastfeeding mother to express milk. Nope not getting 50-50 custody right now. Damn I want to kick his ass until hell won't have it! Good luck especially with that halfwit you've got to deal with

He won’t get 50/50. I’m so glad you are aware of this. Just take notes op. 27th Nov asked him to change nappy as pooey. 20 minutes later changed it myself.
Asked him to hold baby. He suggested I just hold baby while going to the toilet.
Asked him for some money. He said no.
Etc etc.

100% behind you and will read your posts

He wants to frighten you, so you will stay. He will tell you all sorts about the children, about your home, about money. Get proper advice x

Your posts have painted such a clear picture I can almost feel the atmosphere in your house OP. You're doing all the right things but I really think you need to get out of there asap, definitely speak to your friend and snatch her hand off if she's willing to help.

In the meantime can you manage autopilot/grey rock around him? I'm concerned he will escalate further if he gets a sniff you're thinking of leaving so you need to keep safe. Is there any chance he has access to the device you're using for MN and WA? Make sure you're deleting history/using incognito if there's any chance at all.

I feel really quite worried about you, the sofa stuff was so overtly nasty and cruel and worryingly close to violence. I know your head will be full of 'is it really as bad as I've made it sound, is it really abuse' type questions but I hope other people's reactions, here and WA, are helping to reinforce what you know, this isn't right and he isn't who you thought he was.

And that isn't your fault, he's kept up a good pretence by the sound of it and you couldn't have known he was going to switch like this. You've seen his behaviour for what it is pretty damn quickly actually and it doesn't sound like you have any intention of staying, you should be proud of the way you're reacting so no beating yourself up that you 'should have known', right?

You have a tough period coming up, he will undoubtedly make splitting up and sorting out arrangements for DC etc as difficult as possible but however bad it is it's still better than staying with someone who is capable of treating you the way he has. Do everything by the book, take advice from the people you know are in your corner and have as little contact with him as possible so he can't get inside your head and make you doubt yourself and you will get through it. I hate this phrase but it seems genuinely appropriate so here goes... you've got this OP

MarianaMoatedGrange Thank you. I wish I found mumsnet years before. There's so much support and knowledge here.

He is so full of shit his eyes are brown! Now that did make me laugh

timeisnotaline Thanks I'll do that and keep the record on my phone (he doesn't have access to it so I won't need to worry about him finding it.

Greenkit Thank you that's very kind. The person I spoke to at women's aid said to call if I have any queries and if she doesn't know the answer she will either find out or put me in touch with someone who does know.

He sounds like a monster, anyone who can let a small innocent baby sit in a dirty diaper for ages is heartless imo.
There's no way he will get 50/50, I hope you can get away soon OP

Hidingtonothing I'm not sure what grey rock is but I've been on autopilot for a couple of weeks.

He can't access my phone, it has a thumbprint plus password and I delete history daily.
Definitely no beating myself up I promise! Of all things I'm worrying about Christmas!!

I've also no idea what to do about Childcare and work as it would take all my wages so that's another hurdle!