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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't stand it any more

191 replies

OriginalMe · 27/11/2019 18:31

I'm sorry to moan but I just wanted to get all this out.

I had a baby 9 weeks ago, planned with my partner. Both over the moon. He was such a caring, loving partner. I thought he'd be a great dad as he has a son who he has always had majority care of.

However, I'm so disappointed. He's never bathed her, he's changed her 5 times in her life, never asks to hold her, never offers. If I ask him to hold her whilst I go to the toilet he asks why I can't just take her with me and hold her (sometimes she won't be put down). When I shower I have to put her in her bouncy chair in the bathroom with me. I don't know why he will do everything for his oldest but nothing for the baby.

I breastfeed and she clusterfeeds from teatime til around 10pm. He's never brought me so much as a glass of water let alone food. Last night he bought a take away for himself and the boys which I can't have as I have coeliac disease and he didn't think to make me anything. Occasionally we'll all go out for food and I end up with something very small because he'll order loads of things plus alcohol and obviously the kids have proper meals so there's no money for me to have a proper meal without taking it out of our food budget.

I'm on mat leave but have a decent job. I'm going to have to go back early because he's just handed his 4 weeks notice in without a full time job lined up which we can't afford so I'm gutted about having to leave the baby but what choice do I have?

It's come to me going to the bathroom and bursting into tears regularly it's awful. I know I need to leave but I can't immediately so I'm just concentrating on planning it right now. I feel so totally alone.

Thanks to anyone reading.

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 27/11/2019 21:58

Exactly what mariana says. You are no way responsible for the deliberate actions of an abusive man.

People like that work on you very slowly, bit by bit, so you don’t realise. When you see it from the outside, once the abuse is noticeable it’s a whole other thing.

stophuggingme · 27/11/2019 22:11

No, no no.
Look this isn’t right and you know it that’s why you’ve written this thread.
He is abusive towards you and he is neglecting his daughter via his mistreatment of you. Like others have said do NOT allow him to assume the position of primary carer against your better judgement.

He sounds scheming and cruel.
If it were you I would leave and deal with the rest as it follows. Why carry on trying to make a family work with a man who can’t hold hold his own baby to enable your self care or who withholds basic hydration and nutrition from you while you breastfeed her?

It is fucked up. Being on your own and working will be hard but at least you won’t have to accommodate him.

chachachachachacha · 27/11/2019 22:20

Op watching you go without food is abuse. And you're breastfeeding so should be eating more. Pnd doesn't make you starve people. I wish people wouldn't throw around depression as an excuse for abuse.

He sounds absolutely horrible and I'd be planning my exit too. I raised my baby on my own. Very hard but not as hard as living with someone treating you like the dirt on their shoe. Please do call Women's Aid.

Original poster
OriginalMe · 27/11/2019 22:28

Thank you everyone.

stophuggingme I was a single parent to my son so I'm not worried about that part. I built my career whilst being a single parent, I know I can do it thankfully!

OP posts:
Original poster
OriginalMe · 27/11/2019 22:30

chachachachachacha I will call them tomorrow, thank you Flowers

OP posts:
InnisandGunn · 27/11/2019 22:31

Oh OP your partner quite frankly sounds awful. You deserve so much more, especially at such a vulnerable time. I get it with the food thing whilst our. Sometimes the boys will go a bit wild as it's a rarity and I'm sat there worrying about money so order the cheapest thing. Which I don't mind, but you're breastfeeding, so you NEED nutrition. It's obvious your partner won't help, so could you maybe our baby in a sling whilst you make yourself something? Know it's the last thing you want to be doing, and you shouldn't have to, but just keep your eyes on making sure you and your children are okay and get our as soon as you can. Sending hugs, and congratulations on your new addition. It's your partner who's missing out and will regret it in the long term

Paddy1234 · 27/11/2019 22:33

My OH only picked up our children for 13 times in first three months (it was so sporadic I counted)
However as soon as they become little people he has become an amazing father. They are now teenagers.
Some men just don't feel comfortable around babies.

champagneandfromage50 · 27/11/2019 22:38

What an awful situation for you and your DC. You must be emotionally all over the place. Take time and get some RL support to plan your next steps

Inebriati · 27/11/2019 22:45

Its so sad to see people making excuses for him. There's a huge difference between depression and abusing your partner.

The thing people need to remember is that controlling abusers never start off being controlling and abusive, they get you in a position where its difficult to leave, and then drop the Mr Nice Guy act.

OP, I hope you manage to get out soon and safely, you and your kids deserve better Flowers

Original poster
OriginalMe · 27/11/2019 22:56

InnisandGunn thank you. She hates the sling strangely but tolerates her bouncy chair whilst I make food for everyone. My eldest sometimes dances to entertain her Grin It was worse in the early days recovering from a difficult time.

Some men just don't feel comfortable around babies. Two of my female friends prefer toddlers. They still cared for their babies as well as any other parent.

champagneandfromage50 I am all over the place!

Inebriati Thank you. It's as if having a penis means you're excused for being a shit parent.

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 27/11/2019 22:57

This is my first reply on the Relationships board. You are with a man who willingly and (it seems) intentionally deprives you of basic sustenance.

Please follow previous posters advice and ask for help following the links above and get yourself out. What will he do next to you?

Original poster
OriginalMe · 27/11/2019 23:28

He's just got home. I was sat on the sofa breastfeeding dd. He disturbed dd feeding so she cried. Then rested his head on my injured shoulder so I said "remember that's my bad shoulder it hurts". Then he did it again 30seconds later and I said again it hurt. He tutted, sighed and moved to the other end of the sofa and stretched his legs out behind my back. My back is painful from having a spinal after dd was born as the placenta was stuck. I moved forward but he moved his legs again into my back so now I've ended up sat on the floor to feed dd. How has this become my life so quickly?

OP posts:
MarianaMoatedGrange · 27/11/2019 23:36

Sounds like he's escalating the abuse. You need to leave ASAP.

RantyAnty · 27/11/2019 23:38

How long have you been with him? Is the other DC his from a previous relationship?

Hillfarmer · 27/11/2019 23:49

Hi OP,

You don’t deserve this. He is a shit. He is abusing you. You are vulnerable and he is bullying you. You know this now. It is torture, and totally aligned with the Abuser’s handbook, it has started as soon as your DD arrived. He perceives you as chained to him now. A breastfeeding mother so soon after birth is a sitting target as far as he is concerned. He thinks he can treat you like shit, with no comeback.

You must get away. Or chuck him out, more like. The business tonight on the sofa s just so nasty. He wants you vulnerable and isolated. He wants all the power. Of course that’s not how you see the world, but you can’t change this now.

Get him out, or get out with your DS and DD. At the time f your life when you want to be cosseted, fussed over sweetly and loved, he is not only depriving you of that, he is doing the opposite.

Don’t waste any time wondering WHY he is like this. You have recognised his behaviour for what it is (well done). Start planning your life away from him. I am raging on your behalf. This is cruelty. Don’t underestimate it. And confide in a friend, definitely. Really worth telling someone.

TangledMind · 28/11/2019 00:16

Someone who actually loves you does not put their head on your sore shoulder a second time and then get annoyed that you said it hurts. The normal response is he should be surprised he did it by accident as he forget and immediately apologise.

Then to put his feet into your painful back is beyond a joke! You don't treat someone you love like that point blank. My DP suffers with chronic pain due to a similar condition to yours and I'm always trying to be conscious that when I'm close to him not to lean there or hug there etc because it's painful.

I have shit nerves in my upper arms and so I don't like anything more then a hug on that area as knocks etc really hurt more then they should. He occasionally forgets that he's tapped my arm too high and when he notices me go to hold my arm he's apologising profusely because he forgot and would never want to hurt me.

Don't minimise this behaviour because it's unacceptable, would you do this to any human being? What about the person your supposed to love and want to spend the rest of your life with?

I agree it's abusive. I've had close friends say their partners were nice until they gave birth and then it's like something changes and their partners start horrible and it builds up worse over time.

InnisandGunn · 28/11/2019 01:53

@OriginalMe haha I remember the dancing round the front room for DS in the bouncer very fondly! Once again I'm so sorry you're having such a shit time of it. If I knew you I'd gladly make you food, hold baby whilst you had a bath etc. Have you got any friends you could lean on at the moment, apologies if already mentioned, I haven't read the full thread. Just feel desperately sorry for you.

AgentJohnson · 28/11/2019 01:54

He needs to go!

He was always like this, your current circumstance has just given him the freedom to develop this behaviour. Unfortunately, for some men, pregnancy and birth (a woman’s vulnerability) exposes selfishness and in your, case, abusiveness.

I suspect that issues with his Ex forced him to take a greater parenting role than he wanted and your pregnancy has maybe triggered some messed up sense of payback. He’s going to make you suffer in some twisted way of venting his dissatisfaction at his Ex for forcing him to be more than a token parent.

Whatever his ‘reasons’ supposedly are, you are now experiencing an escalation in pettiness to abuse. There’s a whole twisted thought process behind his behaviour that you can not reason with because it isn’t about you,

Be very careful, he is probably type who will up the ante if you try and assert yourself.

Rainbowqueeen · 28/11/2019 02:33

So sorry you are going through this

Women’s aid or a refuge can help you.

Please do call. This is not right.

Pinkbonbon · 28/11/2019 02:43

Bet if you told him to 'fk off!!!' rn he'd throw a right strop and make out you are the bad guy too.

He's a total dick op. Time to get shot of him.

NotherOp · 28/11/2019 03:30

Just wondering how he treats other females, OP?

Preggosaurus9 · 28/11/2019 03:41

Why would you accept him doing that and forcing you on to the floor though? And not bringing you food and water? Why would you not lose your shit at him? You are under reacting to his bad behaviour. Why? I guess because you are actually scared of him and have been for a long time. The food in restaurants thing sounds like it has been happening from day 1, so why didn't you bollock him from day 1? Anyone would rightly go ballistic if their so called partner forced them to eat an insufficient meal while they stuffed their face and drank. You have been scared of him from the start, he has been abusive from the start. Are you in physical danger do you think?

timeisnotaline · 28/11/2019 04:14

Some men just don't feel comfortable around babies.
Oh yes and some men happily starve their wife who is breastfeeding their newborn child. abusive men obviously.
The hurting shoulder thing and legs in your back sounds a bit scary op, as does the fact you don’t feel comfortable saying move your legs. I hope you can see a way to leave.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 28/11/2019 06:54

I'm so sorry op that you're being treated like this, when it's a time that you should feel loved and cared for by those closest to you.

He may well have PND, but that is no reason to treat you so appallingly and neglect his dd. I've known people, my dh included who suffered pnd, and whilst they had their struggles, not once did they abuse those around them.

The shoulder and leg thing last night was abuse, just very subtle. The food is abuse, again very subtle. Not all abuse has to be fists and raised voices. If he won't talk or admit there's an issue you have to look at taking yourself and your dc our if the environment one way or another. This may, or may not shock him into action, but you need to protect yourself at this vulnerable time.

Paddy1234 · 28/11/2019 07:01

Sorry - I disagree - some men (including my OH after I gave birth) are just complete twats but not abusers.
Also OP - you never state whether you have asked for a drink. Abuse is where you ask and he actually says No - get it yourself. Has this happened?
Have you asked him to get something for you to eat?
Have you spoken to him or are you relying on telepathy?
I just want to get all these facts straight - we all agree that he is an utter arse but abuse is very different.