I can't stand it any more

[OriginalMe]

I'm sorry to moan but I just wanted to get all this out.

I had a baby 9 weeks ago, planned with my partner. Both over the moon. He was such a caring, loving partner. I thought he'd be a great dad as he has a son who he has always had majority care of.

However, I'm so disappointed. He's never bathed her, he's changed her 5 times in her life, never asks to hold her, never offers. If I ask him to hold her whilst I go to the toilet he asks why I can't just take her with me and hold her (sometimes she won't be put down). When I shower I have to put her in her bouncy chair in the bathroom with me. I don't know why he will do everything for his oldest but nothing for the baby.

I breastfeed and she clusterfeeds from teatime til around 10pm. He's never brought me so much as a glass of water let alone food. Last night he bought a take away for himself and the boys which I can't have as I have coeliac disease and he didn't think to make me anything. Occasionally we'll all go out for food and I end up with something very small because he'll order loads of things plus alcohol and obviously the kids have proper meals so there's no money for me to have a proper meal without taking it out of our food budget.

I'm on mat leave but have a decent job. I'm going to have to go back early because he's just handed his 4 weeks notice in without a full time job lined up which we can't afford so I'm gutted about having to leave the baby but what choice do I have?

It's come to me going to the bathroom and bursting into tears regularly it's awful. I know I need to leave but I can't immediately so I'm just concentrating on planning it right now. I feel so totally alone.

Thanks to anyone reading.

Excellent! I wish I'd found MN years ago too. The support is tremendous, and when you think no one has been through what you've been through - up pop posers who know EXACTLY what you're talking about.

I truly never realised just how many men turn into abusive twats during their partner's pregnancy or just after birth. It's astonishing and deeply disturbing. These men also seem to think the partner is trapped, and will be quiet - shut up and put up. Er, NO!

Well done on getting through to WA so quickly.
I'm glad they were there and able to help you.
It often takes an organisation like to the re-affirm to you that you are right. That it is abuse.
Definitely speak with your friend.
If any of my friends, close or not, were in your situation, I would want to help. I'm sure she will too.

50/50 - LOL!

He can have 50/50 when she is a year old.
He won't want it though.
It's what abusive men say to scare you and keep you in line.

Well done again OP.
Huge steps taken today!

I have a qualification to finish asap too as that will give me a payrise once back at work so it's another thing to focus on.

I don't know why they just turn. I feel so embarrassed. Everyone's all "I'm so glad you're settles with someone lovely" and obviously I'll be a single mum to two kids with different dads. My family have always been "I wonder when this relationship will go tits up for OriginalMe".

hellsbellsmelons As soon as she's old enough I think he'll try for 50/50 to either hurt me or make himself look good. I always noticed he would get praised for being a single dad but I would get looked downon for being a single mum. He enjoys the well dones/pats on the back/wow a MAN as primary carer, he must be superhuman.

So glad you have spoken to Women’s aid and that they’ve been helpful.

As others have said, the 50:50 thing is in the script!

And please don’t worry what others think! It’s so much less important than your happiness and safety

Grey rock is basically a technique to survive and make life bearable in an abusive environment when you can't immediately leave. Might just give you some strategies to keep things on an even keel til you can get out of there, plenty of info online if you think it might be helpful.

Please don't worry about Christmas, it might not be everything you want it to be for DC this year but having a mum who's not being abused is worth far more to them long term. What will matter when they look back as adults is that you kept them (and yourself so you can be there for them) safe and got them away from a damaging environment, one Christmas where there haven't been as many presents or things are unsettled won't even register in comparison

So brave! And putting your children first as well by leaving. You have strength and spirit to get through this I can tell.
I went through a situation not the same but has some similarities.. I too bettered myself becoming more successful in work.. and now have someone who deserves me and my children. As painful as it was.... I am seeing the long term rewards of leaving that narcissist.

Once that time comes then you can play him!
He is a controlling abusive asshole.
So all you need to do is say 'Phew, 50:50 at last. I can finally do things for myself. Go out and enjoy myself. Join some clubs and the gym. Se friends and have some proper girlie time. Free time, just for ME - YEAH!!!!'
He'll soon back track. He will NOT want you out there enjoying yourself!
So keep all that for when it happens!

There is no way someone like him will really want half the hard work, the homework, the colds and coughs, middle of the nights, early starts, washing, parties, hobbies, cleaning and cooking. He will just want to project and be a Disney Dad, but ultimately his abusive behaviour will mutate and transfer into the children who will soon see him for what he really is.
Plus a shared care order I’d went to court would mean there would be legally binding specifics about where they would live which days and so forth he couldn’t just piss about and pick and choose as that is not in the court’s eyes to be in the children’s best interests.

Men like this are normally full of shit and because they are abusing the mother they ergo are not decent parents who will step up.

Fantastic point Hells and probably scarily accurate, it really is like a script they all follow!

stophuggingme that’s what my twat of an ex would love- picking and choosing, turning up whenever and calling it 50:50.

He doesn’t do what he’s supposed to do under our current shared care order but at least he knows when it’s his time and he can’t just pick a day at random. When we first split up his suggestion was “and i could just come round whenever I liked”. No, twatface, you couldn’t!

Hi, well done for everything you're doing/planning. Sorry that some posters have been unpleasant in various ways, and/or made excuses for him. No form of abuse is the victim's fault of course, and he doesn't have PND, he's just being a selfish wanker. Hugs xxxxx

blackteasplease, they don't like it when we do things by the book and take their ability to 'swan' away do they? That's what I meant about taking advice from the right places and not letting him get in your head OP, they like to scare us with 'the courts will give me 50/50' etc etc but they actually haven't a clue what the likely outcome of a court case would be. Our court system is far from perfect but it won't obey his command either and you're more likely to get a reasonable arrangement out of them than him so don't let him scare you off letting the court decide.

hidingtonothing exactly!
.

Given how long it takes him to get around to changing a nappy, it could take 18 years for him to get around to taking you to court...

Yes that’s something else I’ve noticed about my exh! However much he argues with me about what I do, he never ever takes me to court about anything!

Hidingtonothing I will look grey rock up, thank you. You're right about Christmas etc. I know it doesn't matter but it keeps popping up in my head!

Loladoodle Thank you, you're spurring me on!! I'm glad you're away from that environment now.

hellsbellsmelons That's great advice, thank you!

stophuggingme The reason I think he'll go for it is because he's already got his son. He loves the glory of being a single dad.

When we first split up his suggestion was “and i could just come round whenever I liked”. No, twatface, you couldn’t! Who do these people think they are?!

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas you may be right there!

The centre of the universe, I think, OriginalMe

So many things spinning around my head today. So many things aren't right at all.

Just make space to observe it and feel how it's not right. So many times when I was facing similar, I just pushed down my feelings until I hardly knew how to think about myself any more. But what he's doing isn't right, is it? Keep talking, keep processing.

Sorry to keep droning on. Another thing he does which he did this morning is variations of the following. It does have tmi and talks about sexual acts so stop reading if you don't want to know!

I had dd on the changing mat on our bed so I was leaning over changing her. He comes behind me and slaps my bum. Then puts his hand down my pants and puts his finger in my vagina to which I said please don't I'm changing her, then he put it up my bum. I told him I'd just said no and I got the "God I'm not even allowed to touch my own girlfriend". This happens all the time and I feel he purposefully does it at times when it's inconvenient and he knows I don't want it so he can sulk or have a go at me.

We do things minimum 3 times a week with 3 kids 4 and under so it isn't like we never have it. I explained that to him and he was all "I should be able to touch my girlfriend whenever I want". He knows I lived through repeated rape. I think he thinks I'm ok because I enjoy sex and I'm open about it and adventurous but it doesn't mean he can just touch me whenever/wherever.

‘Inconvenient’ Inconvenient?!!!

Christ OP, that’s assault!

It’s disgusting, invasive, unwanted and assault

Your partner does not have a right to penetrate you without consent. Full Stop.

It is horrifying. Any while you’re changing the baby, so you can’t retaliate or scream or shout.

Please leave this scum.

You're not 'droning on' OP and that's horrendous, I wish I could just come and get you and DC so you never have to see him again

It’s assault by penetration, which is a really serious sexual offence, close to rape in seriousness - it’s the same thing as, for instance, if you came up to him and shoved a dildo up his arse. Bet he’d have something to say about that!

Please do leave this piece of scum.

Ideally I’d say report him to the police but I don’t think you’re there at the moment. Xxxx

OP, it seems that because of your previous experiences you may have very skewed boundaries and perspective about what counts as abuse, and about how bad things are. This man is abusive and is sexually assaulting you. That isn't a matter of opinion. It's a fact. You need to get away from him asap.