Big row on DH's birthday

[JessWakefield86]

Today is DH's birthday. I'd gone to a lot of effort to make it special for him - arranged an activity he loved for last weekend, and then planned on doing a family present-opening session before work today.

It was awful. He came downstairs very late, leaving no time to open all the stuff the DCs had been excited to give him. The presents he did open - from me - he openly sneered at. Said it wasn't what he wanted and I should've known better. He then shouted at me for "creating an argument" when I got upset, and slammed out of the house without saying goodbye, leaving two upset kids for me to try and get to school.

I'd booked this afternoon off work, to bake him a cake for when he gets home. And I've booked a babysitter so we can go out later. But frankly I'm wondering why I bother. I feel so sad, and the children were crushed.

Don't know what to do next.

I'm so sorry, that's awful. No wonder you feel crushed. Did he just come downstairs in a bad mood or was there something else that happened before that you know of that caused him to behave that way. Either way, it's horrible unacceptable behaviour after you went to so much effort. Do something nice for yourself and hopefully he'll realise he owes you a huge apology

Stuff him. Take the afternoon off and do something fun with the DC.

Leave Mr Miseryguts to his own devices.

Is he always so unpleasant?

He came downstairs in a bad mood. I'd taken him coffee in bed, got the kids dressed and breakfasted, made packed lunches etc, so there was nothing obvious for him to be stressy about.

He has previous for being ungrateful, but tbh I thought he'd grown out of it. Esp where the children are involved.

Mid life crisis?

Potentially. He's unhappy in his work and I know he finds birthdays stressful, as they're a sign he's getting older and hasn't achieved what he'd like to, and what he's capable of. I just want him to be happy, and for all of us to be happy. Trite and simplistic as that sounds.

Hurgh how ungrateful and moody. I agree with @GreenFingersWouldBeHandy ! Take the afternoon off and cheer up yourself and the kids. Buy a cake, eat it and leave him a small slice ! or none at all

He is acting like a 12 year old.... Finds birthdays stressful... Ridiculous... You can't get younger & getting older is better than the alternate....

Have a lovely afternoon with your kids, you all need to recover from his mood by doing something fun!

Well if he finds birthdays stressful I'd be tempted to just let it pass unmarked next year. Does he do anything nice for your birthday?

I know he finds birthdays stressful, as they're a sign he's getting older

Um. What?

Please don't tell me you put up with this self-absorbed bollocks?

So you know he finds birthdays stressful and you idea is to than get upset when you make a big deal of it.
Why not ask him what he wants to do, rather than making it all about you and than getting pissed when he doesn't enjoy it.
I had an ex like you - He kept saying he wanted to buy me a watch for birthday/ christmas- I said not to waste the money as I didnt wear watched etc. He did and then got pissed when I never wore it. ( Ended up giving it to another friend).
The short of it, if you want to celebrate his birthday, do the things he wants and not what you want.

That's awful. If he finds birthdays stressful I would just leave it in the future. Are his parents still around? Do they do things for birthdays?

I think many men in particular dont like any "fuss " on their birthdays .However that doesnt excuse him behaving like a spoilt 5 year old ! Maybe buy him a plain cake and arrange meal out later. Over which tell him you would like a little appreciation for your efforts in future !

I would cancel the babysitter.
Book something you can do later as a family.
If he doesn't want to join you then you can take the DC out to make them feel better after their fuckwit dad made them feel like shit this morning.
DO NOT make him a cake!!!!! He can get to fuck with that awful attitude.
WHY do you put up with this?????
WHY do you keep trying when you say he is always ungrateful!?
STOP trying. Leave him to his own devices.
1 message - 'I've booked for a family dinner later. Do you want to join us? Don't want to pressure you into anything on your birthday. If not then I'll take the DC on my own to try to lift their spirits a bit after you made them feel like shit this morning. Let me know'

Can you use the afternoon to do something nice with the children? It sounds like your efforts aren’t appreciated and I wouldn’t bother if I were you.

Why not ask him what he wants to do, rather than making it all about you
I think it was more about the kids.
He didn't even open their presents.
Make a scene in front of them, showing them exactly how NOT to behave and then stormed out without a word.
No thanks, no thanks to DC for at least trying.
THAT is fucking rude!!!!

Don’t bake him the cake after his reaction. Waste of precious annual leave. Do something nice for yourself instead.

He was very rude, but did you consult him on the morning and other plans? My DH, for example, isn’t a morning person and - though no longer grumpy in the mornings as I wasn’t having that - would find getting up earlier on his birthday stressful, even for presents!

His behavuour is not acceptable but if I'm honest if you are aware he finds his birthdays stressful I'm not sure why you make such a big thing of them, surely you know it will only make it worse? A quieter gentler celebration would be more apt.

I would express anger on the DCs’ behalf. Bad enough that he treated you like that, but the whole family makes it even worse.

If your H had wanted to go out for his birthday, presumably he would’ve suggested it.

My uncle was similar JessWakefield86 Still is as far as I know.

His crowning moment was a Christmas: whole family carmmed into grandparents, but he had the proper bed. 4 kids, 5 adults all up, ready to open presents, all waited, ate breakfast, waited, waited... 10 am rolled round... we waited...

Grandmother called upstairs that his breakfast and presents were ready, used a bright chirpy voice... he shouted back "For fucks sake, don't treat me like a child" - all adults froze... Me? At the grand age of aa I shouted back "Don't act like one then!"

We then got on with opening our presents, ignored him completely. But at marked The Day Uncle B Stopped Being Respected - by his own wife and children as much as me and my sister, I suspect!

Even my own narcissistic twat of a father couldn't let his social facade drop that far!

OP, you may need more of an argument to foce ho to confront his behaviour. And even then you may need to make decisions that are best for you and your kids, with or without him!

I couldn’t be with someone like that.

I don’t give a shit how much someone doesn’t like birthdays or is having a stressful morning for whatever reason - you don’t take it out on your poor innocent kids who have lovingly bought presents for you and are excited to give them. That makes you an appalling father and a self absorbed horrible cunt. Ugh. Please don’t let him off the hook for this.

I take your point(s), but I honestly didn't think the kids wanting him to open presents from us before he went to work was a "big thing." It didn't mean him getting up earlier, for example. It wasn't like I'd put up balloons, or tried to put on a party.

I did go to a lot of effort at the weekend, to do the activity thing, and he really enjoyed that.

What did you get him?

Lots of people don’t like being fussed over or the idea of being expected to be all cheerful and have a lovely day on a particular date. Me included.

Birthdays, valentines etc - hate them all. Doesn’t make me a dick.

Also, in 2019 it’s quite feasible that he had already dealt with a shitty email or message from work before he came downstairs.

Cut him some slack, and don’t put pressure on him when he is rushing out to work in the future.