Big row on DH's birthday

[JessWakefield86]

Today is DH's birthday. I'd gone to a lot of effort to make it special for him - arranged an activity he loved for last weekend, and then planned on doing a family present-opening session before work today.

It was awful. He came downstairs very late, leaving no time to open all the stuff the DCs had been excited to give him. The presents he did open - from me - he openly sneered at. Said it wasn't what he wanted and I should've known better. He then shouted at me for "creating an argument" when I got upset, and slammed out of the house without saying goodbye, leaving two upset kids for me to try and get to school.

I'd booked this afternoon off work, to bake him a cake for when he gets home. And I've booked a babysitter so we can go out later. But frankly I'm wondering why I bother. I feel so sad, and the children were crushed.

Don't know what to do next.

I hope he apologised when he came back.

I doubt he did though

Was there part of you that thought if you could pull off the perfect birthday celebration it would finally be enough and you'd get the nice version of him back and all the walking on eggshells would stop?

Good question @ohwheniknow because, in my experience (having talked to many women in a similar position), it’s only when you leave that you come to realise just how much you’ve adjusted your own behaviour in order to manage his. It’s only when you’re not in that situation that the source of the low level hum of unhappiness really becomes clear. you ask what to do next OP - I would seek some real life support (maybe be a BACP counsellor) so you can reflect on whether you want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells and whether you want to have your children follow you. You deserve to be able to relax and be yourself with someone who appreciates you.

Sounds like he needs a new job and you need a new husband. One who is as nice and kind and thoughtful as you are. One who deserves the love his kids show him. Not a crabbit faced old git who makes everyone walk on eggshells.

You know that direct line advert where winston Wolfe says “no” really loudly to the boy trying on fandango pink shirts, well that’s the No I’m suggesting to you when it comes to his poor judgement and the tiptoeing around you are all doing. No

I can't believe he reckons it's all your fault for buying a slightly "imperfect" gift which no doubt could have been exchanged.

I think his Christmas gift should be divorce papers.

He is awful.

@JessWakefield86
There’s a psychological technique used by emotionally abusive men. It’s called ‘the power of intermittent reward’ it often occurs as a natural manipulative technique. Basically you know he can be absolutely lovely (the reward), but you don’t know how to trigger the loveliness as it’s intermittent so you just make a big effort all of the time - to walk on eggshells, to create special occasions, to be really thoughtful...

Sometimes your efforts will have no impact or even result in a tantrum because ‘you didn’t do it right’ occasionally you’ll be rewarded for your efforts and you’ll have a lovely day and feel the relief of getting it ‘right’. This incentivises you to keep trying harder. You take on responsibility for creating his happiness, and thus if he’s unhappy, it must be your fault. Except it’s not.

He’s an adult with a thoughtful wife and kids who bought him gifts and tried to celebrate his birthday. He’s treating you all like like shit by making his moodiness ‘your responsibility’ to fix. You can’t. His moods are his responsibility. He’s an adult. You can’t solve his emotional issues.

Stop letting him manipulate and abuse you and your children or they’ll end up growing into adults who are desperate to please and entirely dependent upon the whims of others to validate themselves.

If you still want to bake his cake, make sure you spit in it.

Never mind spitting. I’m thinking more along the lines of the chocolate pie in The Help. Miserable ungrateful bastard.

What a really horrible horrible man, I'm really sorry OP for you and your poor DC.

Don't bake him a cake
Cancel the babysitter
Gather up the presents you got so wrong and return them later on this week - keep the money.

You shouldn't be walking on eggshells around your spouse - home and your marriage should be comfortable and accepting and kind. He isn't kind. He is an entitled boor.

Has it occured to you OP that he didn't cause that scene because he was stressed but because he wanted to and enjoyed it?

Why on earth are you letting your kids live like this?!

Urgh what a selfish twat! Your poor poor children / they must have been so upset. He does not deserve their love

OP walking on eggshells around every day of your life is no way to live. What on earth do you get from this marriage?

Oh and never ever make an effort for his birthday again

Maybe this should be the last time he crushes the kids. This shit leaves scars on younglings.

Your poor kids, so innocent and excited for their dad’s birthday, what a git

Nasty prick is right.

You'd have to have a stone for a heart to hurt children that way.

It chips at their hearts and they carry the environment they were rated in for the rest of their lives.

OP I really hope you dumped the cake idea and try focusing on what is important.
Those children of yours that need protecting from your horrible husband.

Ducks in a row and get those poor children away from him.
💐

Poor children. It’s devastating to see them cut down like that. Horrible man needs telling what’s what- he sorts himself out or buggers off

I see OP hasn’t returned.... I can only assume she has been busy baking his cake and trying to pander to him and has probably ran off to the shops and changed his top she got wrong

He has a lovely wife, children who obviously care for him to want to celebrate a birthday together

He threw that all back at you

Does he not love & appreciate you ?

I would take time out to think about your future together

Some people would love to grow old, but never got the chance
Some people would love a wife/family

Some very blunt commentary on here. I imagine the OP is trying to take it all in, while probably baking the cake etc.

It's hard to hear the truth sometimes and very easy to spell it out with the benefit of distance and expect someone to absorb it all, make a plan and respond.

Hopefully she's made some nice cycling energy bars for him instead.... with laxatives included.

This reminds me of the time ex (who then went on to be a bastard and violent abusive cunt), made me return the very first birthday present I got him. It was expensive and exactly what he wanted. Yet he found fault with it. I exchanged it three times and he ended up wanting the original one at the point I was about to just ask for a refund and not bother.

Should have left him then, would have saved a decade of my life.

I tend to steer clear of people who do not graciously accept gifts. I always spend a lot of thought in gifts and always include gift receipts. Apart from above knobhead thankfully my friends and family tend to be very gracious about accepting gifts.

Wow imagine being a child and your father can’t even be bothered to open your present.

Tell him to go fuck himself. What an arse.

Your poor kids must've been crushed. What a selfish spiteful dick.

I'd bake him a cake alright, then pie him in the face with it!

Tell him to apologise to the dc and put on his happy face for them. Then once they're in bed, tell him you won't be bothering with his birthday ever again.

Get him a fucking princess cake. What an absolute arsehole. In fact, take the kids out and let him have a lovely evening wondering if you’re coming back. Maybe don’t come back.

This is no way to live and your DCs should grow up to suffer with anxiety etc like I do, and hate the idea of a live-in partner, due to years of living with a volcano/walking on eggshells.

Thanks to all those who've responded. Including those who have made sarky comments - yes, if you wanted to kick me when I'm down, you've succeeded.

He hasn't apologised. I apologised (naturally) and fell into the role of peacemaker. I know this can't go on, and I'm trying to gather my thoughts and my courage to change things.

A note to some of the crueller posters, though - this is real life and there are real people hurting. Please think before you post. More importantly, though, huge thanks to all those who have offered advice, support and insight. It's made me see this isn't ok.

*could, not should lol, I hope they don't of course. :)

Hope you find the strength to stand up for you and your dcs. This is not an acceptable way for a grown man, who's a father and a husband, to be behave. be strong OP.