Big row on DH's birthday

[JessWakefield86]

Today is DH's birthday. I'd gone to a lot of effort to make it special for him - arranged an activity he loved for last weekend, and then planned on doing a family present-opening session before work today.

It was awful. He came downstairs very late, leaving no time to open all the stuff the DCs had been excited to give him. The presents he did open - from me - he openly sneered at. Said it wasn't what he wanted and I should've known better. He then shouted at me for "creating an argument" when I got upset, and slammed out of the house without saying goodbye, leaving two upset kids for me to try and get to school.

I'd booked this afternoon off work, to bake him a cake for when he gets home. And I've booked a babysitter so we can go out later. But frankly I'm wondering why I bother. I feel so sad, and the children were crushed.

Don't know what to do next.

Can you get RL support? Is there anywhere you can go with the DC for a few days to get some space? Sadly it does look like he is seeking validation to leave or separate and deliberately creating a hostile environment for you all and blaming you for it. Speak to someone

I’m concerned about all the shouting and him not being in control around you and the kids. He sounds extremely volatile and worrying. Do you have someone who can be with you / check on you? I would also give the police a heads up and they can help, plus will put you in touch with local women’s support. He’s checked out of this marriage and now you need to keep yourself and the kids safe. An environment of shouting and threats is not a safe one.

Grandmother called upstairs that his breakfast and presents were ready, used a bright chirpy voice... he shouted back "For fucks sake, don't treat me like a child" - all adults froze... Me? At the grand age of aa I shouted back "Don't act like one then!"

Brilliant, you're a star

Thanks Sandals. It took years to live that down. I was 11, if it matters now

I don't think anyone ever regained any respect for him. I'm 54 now and still see him a that sulky, selfish man child. His own kids give him a wide berth. His daughter is gay, but won't do anything, say anything as he will cause a huge fuss. So she is living very much a weird half life that hurts to watch. Not a happy young woman -- crikey, she is now about 40, I think!

Don't be scared. Get angry. Firmly tell him this is not acceptable and you will end the marriage if it continues.

He sounds like a bully. Stand up for yourself. Call the police if you're scared and get him escorted out of the house.

Just wanted to say you sound lovely, while your dh sounds like an arse. I grew up with a moody father, he’s now in his 70s and still moody. I avoid going to visit as much as possible, meet my mum in town instead. I don’t know why she’s put up with his behaviour for over 45 years, it’s a miserable existence treading on eggshells around his bad moods all the time, waiting for the one day in 10 when he’s happy. My siblings and I kept away from f as much as possible when we were growing up as he would suck the joy out of most situations. As teenagers we’d call him out on it but nothing made a difference, none of us could wait to leave home.

I disagree that growing up in a toxic atmosphere like this makes you a people pleaser as an adult. Neither I nor my siblings have ended up like this, the opposite in fact, none of us will put up with this behaviour in partners or friends. I think we also see the signs earlier and are much more likely to call this out as abuse immediately and not continue with friendships or relationships as all of us would rather be single and friendless than manipulated in this way by others. If you’ve spent 18 years with a parent displaying this behaviour you’ll never put yourself back into this situation again, ever!

I wish you luck, I hope you leave and find peace away from this horrible man