Big row on DH's birthday

[JessWakefield86]

Today is DH's birthday. I'd gone to a lot of effort to make it special for him - arranged an activity he loved for last weekend, and then planned on doing a family present-opening session before work today.

It was awful. He came downstairs very late, leaving no time to open all the stuff the DCs had been excited to give him. The presents he did open - from me - he openly sneered at. Said it wasn't what he wanted and I should've known better. He then shouted at me for "creating an argument" when I got upset, and slammed out of the house without saying goodbye, leaving two upset kids for me to try and get to school.

I'd booked this afternoon off work, to bake him a cake for when he gets home. And I've booked a babysitter so we can go out later. But frankly I'm wondering why I bother. I feel so sad, and the children were crushed.

Don't know what to do next.

What an awful way to behave! Even if you'd got a present completely wrong, which happens, would it have killed him to act grateful in front of the kids then tactfully ask if he could swap it later?

They must be heartbroken

Yes, we often walk on eggshells around him.

Sadly, I could have predicted that you would say this at some point.

I hope you ignore the grumpy bastard for the rest of the day. Take the kids to see Frozen 2 or something instead.

I just want him to be happy, and for all of us to be happy. Trite and simplistic as that sounds.

You can't make him happy - he's an adult and responsible for his own feelings - but you can take steps to make yourself happy and to make your dc's lives happy...

Yes, we often walk on eggshells around him. This wasn't completely out of character.

What are his good points? Your poor dc, having this selfish dickhead as their role model.

Yes, we often walk on eggshells around him. This wasn't completely out of character.

Is this really how you want you and your kids to live for the rest of your lives?

@FizzyGreenWater
Spot on.

Mid life crisis?

Absolutely no excuse. I really feel for you all, especially the children. Nasty bastard.

I've never walked on eggshells round my dh and if he has a hissy fit on rare occasions I usually laugh at him and tell him to grow up.

I'd message him and tell him he either acts like a grown-up, puts on a happy face for the rest of the day and behaves graciously, or you are going to take the DCs out for a pizza without him and tell them he's unwell today.

I wonder if OP’s DH behaves like this in other ways and she’s adapted to it and seeks to please him (impossible, if as seems likely the issue is him).

An activity present, a present-opening ceremony, an afternoon off to bake a cake AND a meal out with babysitter booked is quite a hoo-ha for a man who doesn’t like birthdays and has form for being ungrateful. Why did you feel the need to make his birthday so wonderful, OP? That’s a genuine question, not a snidey one.

I could cry for you @JessWakefield86

I was once married to a manchild like this. Start getting your ducks in a row, you do not need to spend the rest of your life walking on egg shells.

I bet he's the type to kick off if you didn't make a fuss.......you can't win with theses types of people

Send the present back and spend the money doing something fun with the dc. Leave your "d"h to wallow in his own self pity. Don't stop your dc from calling out his rude behaviour either. Let them express how hurt they were when he refused to open their cards and gifts and stropped off to work.

(And I, he and probably the DC would understand that pizza to be the first moment, the first step towards freedom).

So you all tiptoe around The Big Man's Ego? That's no way to live, and damaging to you and your DC, as you've clearly witnessed.

If the problem was only a minor error in the present, anyone with half an ounce of grace would have dealt with it perfectly politely and pleasantly, not sneered. Coincidentally, I bought something online for a relative's birthday recently and the suppliers delivered the wrong thing - I wasn't quite sure about it and drew it to relative's attention. Recipient looked at it, said, very politely, that it didn't appear to be correct and we had a pleasant, civilised conversation about returning and replacing it. That's how normal human beings deal with these things.

Yes, we often walk on eggshells around him. This wasn't completely out of character.

That's no life for your kids.

That sounds rubbish OP, I feel your pain. Moving forward, particularly since this wasn't really a one-off, I think you've got to talk to him about it haven't you? Wishing he'll get better on his own doesn't seem to have been working. eg..

"DH, with hindsight I understand that you would have preferred X gift instead of Y, perhaps we can change it. However I don't understand why you were so rude this morning, particularly in front of the children who were very upset. Would you think it was alright if they behaved that way on their birthdays?"

If you don't want to bake the cake or go out now, that's pretty understandable (and even given his previous behaviour, perhaps he doesn't even want to?), but I'd maybe make sure the kids don't sense that you're doing it out of spite. I'm not sure that would teach the right lesson?

Yes, we often walk on eggshells around him.

This is a huge red flag and is emotionally damaging for your children. They will grow up with a skewed view of what normal relationships look like.

There are plenty of threads on here where posters have detailed their anxiety issues, lack of self esteem and inability to form healthy relationships because of emotional abuse in childhood from parents like your so called "D"H.

You need to seriously think about removing them from this toxic environment, before they are damaged permanently.

"Yes, we often walk on eggshells around him. This wasn't completely out of character."
Then you need to ask yourself one question, and apply yourself seriously to the answer.

What is all this walking on eggshells doing to my children?

I know it's doing bad stuff to you too, but at some level you know his behaviour is wrong and you've (hopefully) lived as part of a family where this didn't happen. For your children, it is all they know. What is this teaching them, about how to behave when they are adults? About what behaviour an adult has to accept from their partner? Just how badly is this screwing up their future?

Please, let this be the straw that breaks the camel's back. It can't go on like this.

I think there’s more to this than meets the eye.

He sounds horrendous

He's adamant that it was my fault for getting the present wrong, and I should've known better.

Thats not just grumpy, that's fucking rude. He sounds like a twat to be honest.

Christ, why are you all tiptoeing around this wanker?

Cancel the babysitter and take the kids out to dinner somewhere they like; pizza or something fun. Let him come home to an empty house.

This clearly isn't a one time thing. This is how he behaves and you need to stop accepting it. Don't forgive it, don't reward him for it, don't let him think it's OK. Go out with the kids and leave him on his own.
And stand your ground with him. Do not apologise. Lay out some home truths about his behaviour today and the affect on the kids. Don't let him bully you or put you down.

To be honest, I would be out the door with the kids and wouldn't go back. Life is too short to live like that.

I would also cancel the babysitter or it sets your kids up thinking that people can behave like that and have no consequences