Big row on DH's birthday

[JessWakefield86]

Today is DH's birthday. I'd gone to a lot of effort to make it special for him - arranged an activity he loved for last weekend, and then planned on doing a family present-opening session before work today.

It was awful. He came downstairs very late, leaving no time to open all the stuff the DCs had been excited to give him. The presents he did open - from me - he openly sneered at. Said it wasn't what he wanted and I should've known better. He then shouted at me for "creating an argument" when I got upset, and slammed out of the house without saying goodbye, leaving two upset kids for me to try and get to school.

I'd booked this afternoon off work, to bake him a cake for when he gets home. And I've booked a babysitter so we can go out later. But frankly I'm wondering why I bother. I feel so sad, and the children were crushed.

Don't know what to do next.

He owes you and your children an apology. What a spoilt brat.

cheeseandwin5 Bluntless I find your rationalization and minimizing of his horrible behavior disturbing. The OP knows her husband best and I highly doubt she's cruel. It's classic DARVO

Why not ask him what he wants to do, rather than making it all about you and than getting pissed when he doesn't enjoy it.

OP didn't get pissed - DH did.
OP DID give him what he wanted - she bought him an activity he loves at the weekend.
Children enjoy giving presents & were excited to see dad open theirs. Instead, he had a tantrum, upset everybody, & sulked off in a huff.

How you turn that around to be the OP's fault is beyond me, @Cheeseandwin5.

What a bellend. My dad used to stay in bed on Christmas morning while we opened our stockings with my mum, I thought he was selfish then and I think even less of his behaviour now I have a child of my own. If your husband has form for this and he doesn’t apologise in your shoes this would make me reassess my relationship.

What an absolute arsehole!! You've made an effort. His kids have made an effort and it's not as if it's hard to take stuff back and get the one he wants exactly so hardly a major thing. And even if he was slightly disappointed, he could have hidden it and opened the presents from the kids.

How is he like otherwise? Has he always been like this? Because an ex started to get annoyed at me when he was having an affair.

WTF - what a nasty twat you've got there. Do things with the kids and leave Mr Grumbledore to enjoy the rest of his birthday on his own.

What an absolute prick. There is no excuse for behaviour like that. I wouldn't be making a cake and he would be told to stay in a hotel tonight if he's so fucking miserable.

How can you tolerate this man?

I would take the presents back and give him the cash to buy himself what he wants. he can make the effort of choosing.
I would make a cake - because you and the kids can enjoy a slice, but don't make any kind of fuss, just leave the cake on the side and say he can help himself if he wants some.
Tell him you expect him to put on a smile and be gracious when he opens the children's presents and after that he can do what he likes and you'll draw a line under the day.

He's been incredibly rude and nasty, I think if yu have kids it is incumbent on you to appreciate their presents and to accept a small fuss and a cake at least on your birthday - because children like that. If he is saying ;birthday's aren't special, they are a time to be grump rude and throw your toys out because your present isn't perfect, then that reflects on how your children will feel about their birthdays.

And as for getting older not accepting lack of achievement etc - that happens to us all, pretending it's not your birthday doesn't stop you getting older. I'm 60 in a couple of weeks - do I want to be 60? - No I'd much rather be 30, but I'm not. Am I happy with my lot - not entirely - life hasn't exactly panned out as I'd hoped - but that's a work in progress and I shall enjoy my Birthday and let my lovely family make a fuss and a cake because I'm not a grumpy horrible git.

What a dick. Return his present and don't get another.

He's a cunt. Forget the cake and forget taking him out; go out with the kids this afternoon and a mate tonight instead.

I HATE getting older and so don't like my birthday much, but I can't imagine acting like that.

Ungrateful, miserable arse! Do something nice with the kids and sod his birthday.

My oldest friend found his last birthday stressful too, he also felt he hadn’t achieved what he wanted; he hadn’t had a family and his career had been cut short. Oh and it really was his last birthday and he knew it - he died a month later. Your DH needs to count his blessings which include a partner doing her best to give him a nice day and DC who clearly love him.

I wouldn’t bother with the rest of it and don’t refer to his birthday again today. What a manchild.

I would take the present back use the money to treat the kids and yourself to an afternoon tea.

DH told me he didn’t like my choice when I bought him a jumper once. I wore the jumper and have never, ever bought him any clothes since. I buy him a small token gift and that’s it. He had a lovely activity weekend and then behaves like that. I would also point out that it is not the way to behave if you don’t like something. Poor kids.

cheeseandwin5 Bluntless I find your rationalization and minimizing of his horrible behavior disturbing

I'm sorry but who are you talking to? I'm assuming it's not me because I never said she was cruel and I said his behavuour was both appalling and unacceptable, do you mean to name someone else?

What a day for you. I have no advice (except going the poison route is not advisable from a legal standpoint), but go buy a cake and let the kids eat it. Or have the kids help you make a cake and eat it. Leave a note in the crumbs and take them somewhere fun.
When things are calmer and the children are asleep, explain why he's not allowed to act like a jerk in front of the children. You're an adult, you don't get to have tantrums, even if it is your birthday.
And return the item he sneered at. Do not replace it. Now, as my mother used to say, he has something to complain about!
Best of luck with all of it. :D

Sorry but your DH sounds unbearable. He's an adult and you're going to all this trouble for his birthday? And he throws a tantrum because his gift isn't exactly what he wanted? There's no excuse for this behaviour and I mostly feel for your children! Be honest with yourself OP, is he like this often? Are your children learning to walk on eggshells around him (you also?)

Cancel anything you'd planned for the rest of the day. Ignore the rest of his birthday unless he comes home so full of apologies for his behaviour this morning that he can't do enough to make it up to you (and mostly the kids).

He might not be a morning person. He might be worried about getting older. But it doesn't take a huge amount of effort to plaster a smile on your face, say 'thank you' with gratitude, and let the kids feel happy about what they've bought.

He couldn't even put in that tiny bit of effort. That's awful.

Yes, we often walk on eggshells around him. This wasn't completely out of character.

What does he do when it's your birthday, OP?

And what does he do all year round to reach his true potential?

he was a tit.but as weve got older we quickly learnt that nothing goes to plan when done early!before work.or before we are awake.and i only say this because we are not morning people.buuuut noone of us have ever acted like this.

Bloody hell . I wouldn’t. Bake a cake .

I worry you are all ready feeling you got it wrong .

Your only are been unreasonable posting hobby not what it is .

Take the kids out for tea leave him home

My DH is very, very grumpy on his birthdays because he hates the idea of being old

I now don't really bother with it at all, get him a card and a token from DS - which he at least accepts with good grace. The difference is he is nothing like this the rest of the year, and spoils me on my birthday (I am that most reviled of creatures on MN, a birthday princess) with good grace.

Yes, we often walk on eggshells around him. This wasn't completely out of character.

So why are you still with him?

Dear oh dear OP.
In that case, definitely do NOT make him a cake.
Definitely do NOT take him out on his own tonight.
You need to start making a stand.
Without that, you will all be walking on eggshells for ever more.
I do feel sorry for your DC.
What a horrible example he is setting for them as a male role model.
Don't you worry for their future relationships, based on what you put up with????