Big row on DH's birthday

[JessWakefield86]

Today is DH's birthday. I'd gone to a lot of effort to make it special for him - arranged an activity he loved for last weekend, and then planned on doing a family present-opening session before work today.

It was awful. He came downstairs very late, leaving no time to open all the stuff the DCs had been excited to give him. The presents he did open - from me - he openly sneered at. Said it wasn't what he wanted and I should've known better. He then shouted at me for "creating an argument" when I got upset, and slammed out of the house without saying goodbye, leaving two upset kids for me to try and get to school.

I'd booked this afternoon off work, to bake him a cake for when he gets home. And I've booked a babysitter so we can go out later. But frankly I'm wondering why I bother. I feel so sad, and the children were crushed.

Don't know what to do next.

It is worth posting on these kind of threads.

OP may not do anything immediately, but she knows this is not normal or acceptable behaviour. That her H is an abusive prick and that she’s not alone.

It’s not easy gathering the courage to start a new positive life away from the abuse you know.

I didn’t acknowledge it when years ago someone on MN pointed out the glaringly abusive behaviour displayed by twatface.

The courage and means to leave did come about and I was glad the MNers had pointed out the absive behaviour as I slowly started acknowledging it to myself.

He's definitely checked out and probably didn't want the guilt of pretending to be happy families with the kids knowing that he's actually not arsed

So sorry @loubieloo4

If he's that ungrateful, next year don't buy him anything. Don't even mention it's his birthday, then if he says anything,
Say I didn't think you liked birthdays anymore. That will teach him maybe he will not behave like a spoilt brat next time.

Seriously don't buy him anything next year because you're not married to this shitbag anymore

Your dh is pathetic.

I feel sorry for your dc too. Poor lives

I hope the fucking brat shits a hedgehog.

Go out on your own tonight, he can sort and apologise to his children for being a complete dick!

ExP was very much like this and I spent too many birthdays and Xmas feeling upset for DD and furious at him for being such a twat. It doesn’t get any better, as the years went by he just increased in twatishness.
Thankfully the relationship is over is now and mine & DD’s lives are much calmer and happier as a result but and it’s a big but, it took a long time and a lot of shit along the way to get out and even now his presence in our lives causes me a lot of sleepless nights.
With the benefit of experience and hindsight I can recognise all the red flags but I also remember how utterly powerless and paralysed I felt whilst I was in that situation. This is not something that can be neatly wrapped up in an internet thread but hopefully it may plant the seeds of realisation in the OP’s and give her food for thought.
Just keep posting as you want OP, you don’t owe anything to people on MN but you do owe it to your DC to think hard about all of this.

DH was abusive again this morning. Told me I "do his head in" and shouted at me in front of the kids.

I've told him it's unacceptable and he needs to find somewhere else to stay tonight. I don't know if he actually will. He told me it was my fault for creating arguments (I didn't and don't) and for "having a face on."

I'm upset and scared.

He wants to split up but he doesn't want to be the Big Bad.

No real suggestions, because the usual 'put his clothes in bin bags outside the door' doesn't work in real life - they just come in and drop the bin bags all over the floor and tell you to put the stuff away.

Have you got someone who could come over and be with you when he gets home? Having another person there might make it easier for you to tell him he needs to leave, and for him to listen.

That's really shit OP and you dont deserve that. Text him exactly how you feel while he is at work, tell him he is abusive and grumpy and your not tolerating it anymore. Find someone you trust to talk to and consider if it's worth staying with him. What does he do on your birthday?

I think you need to start planning OP xxx get all the papers you need together and get some legal advice. Look at your finances and how you could live if you separate. As others have said, have someone come over if you can.

I know you are scared & upset but this is no way for you or your DC to live

That's your first step in standing up to him OP.
You've told him it's unacceptable.
He won't listen and he won't believe you.
But you've taken that all important first step.
Well done.
Now build on that.
Send him a message later reminding him you don't want him home later.
I've no doubt he will ignore you and now you'll be punished for days with stonewalling but keep strong!

You need to get rid of this cuntweasel. His behaviour is not acceptable.

Benefits calculator
www.entitledto.co.uk

Documents that you should collect and keep safe - what to include in your safety packing list
www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship

You're doing the right thing

Oh Jess, this is no way to live. You and your DC deserve so much better. I think that you should send him a long thought out message detailing how his behavior is impacting upon the family. Give him the ultimatum that he either changes his tune or he leaves. He has been an utter arsehole to you and the kids over his birthday etc and he seems eternally ungrateful regardless! Stand up for yourself if he gets abusive call the police! He won’t be expecting a visit from them and they will hopefully remove him from the house at least for the night!

Well done for telling him to go op, you and your kids deserve better Do you think there's anything else going on with him at the moment? Not that it would excuse his horrific behaviour.

@JessWakefield86 well done. This is your first step towards freedom.

I'm so proud of you telling him this is unacceptable.

You have done nothing wrong. At all.

I'm upset and scared.

Of course you are. And totally understandable. We can handhold.

Please stand your ground and make him stay elsewhere this evening, just to give you and the kids a break from walking on eggshells if nothing else!

will you be safe if he knows you want out of this abusive relationship?

Are your family close and supportive?

You need to find a good solicitor

Get all your papers together, passports, birth certificates, bank statements.

Speak to rights of women, and also women’s aid for advice. He sounds volatile.

I’d also rally around real life support.

The bin bag clothes and lock the door only works if it’s your house not co-owned by him.

DH was abusive again this morning. Told me I "do his head in" and shouted at me in front of the kids.

Funny how his "stressful job" & misery about it doesn't cause him to shout at his boss, clients, the postman, his mum ... isn't it Jess?
You don't "do his head in" he just feels he can get away with his foul behaviour behind closed doors. He can manage to control himself in front of everyone else - it is 100% his choice not to do so in front of you.

I know you are scared & upset. You have done really well to recognise how wrong all this is, & to start to challenge it.

Stick to your guns. Shouting & abusive comments & sulking & storming off are NOT ON in the home, & NEVER ON in front of the children. Tell him this, & stick to it.

How do you feel about coping over the next few weeks?
What do you want to happen now?

Good for you speaking up, OP. I don't have anything to say that others here haven't said better, but I'm holding your hand.

Well done OP.
You can do this.
💐

I have been reading your thread OP. Dont be scared. It just seems scary but believe me, staying is the real horror. Take your time to organise your thoughts and your next step. There is no rush and dont feel cornered. Plan. Stay calm. Imagine a life without his hysterics disrupting you and the kids life.
Imagine feeling like a nice person and ot being blamed for everything and having to solve unsolvable problems.
Take your time

It wouldn’t surprise me at all to learn that he’s having an affair. He’s certainly checked out if your marriage and has nothing but contempt for you and your DC.

Speak to a solicitor, ensure that you have access to all financial info, passports etc. Ask him to move out.

He is unlikely to do as you have asked. Suggest seeking support in RL.

OP your husband has already said he doesn't think he loves you anymore . He wants out and is going to be increasingly horrible until it ends..my advice is get it finished. He doesn't care and it won't changed. I know that sounds blunt but it's times like this , well, you need it.