Big row on DH's birthday

[JessWakefield86]

Today is DH's birthday. I'd gone to a lot of effort to make it special for him - arranged an activity he loved for last weekend, and then planned on doing a family present-opening session before work today.

It was awful. He came downstairs very late, leaving no time to open all the stuff the DCs had been excited to give him. The presents he did open - from me - he openly sneered at. Said it wasn't what he wanted and I should've known better. He then shouted at me for "creating an argument" when I got upset, and slammed out of the house without saying goodbye, leaving two upset kids for me to try and get to school.

I'd booked this afternoon off work, to bake him a cake for when he gets home. And I've booked a babysitter so we can go out later. But frankly I'm wondering why I bother. I feel so sad, and the children were crushed.

Don't know what to do next.

Op did you ask him what he wanted to do for his birthday? Given his feelings on them? Is this what he said he wanted? An activity last weekend, night out tonight, birthday cake, expected to get up and open his presents etc,

I know someone who also genuinely struggles with their birthday and none of us would dream of doing that stuff for them, it would be like rubbing their nose in it and guaranteed to wind them up.

Again it doesn't justify his Appalling behaviour but I just can't understand how the situation occurred where you are making such a big deal of it, getting the kids all excited and he doesn't like his birthday.

Bloody hell, I'm not a lover of birthdays but I'd be more grateful then that. Grumpy sod.

I got him stuff related to the hobby he's into. It's something I'm also into, so it's not like I was buying stuff I don't understand.
And the kids got him some less expensive stuff - chocolate, craft beer.

I know he finds birthdays stressful, as they're a sign he's getting older and hasn't achieved what he'd like to, and what he's capable of

Christ, i think they could hear my eyes roll on the moon when i read that....

So have you told him, or do you plan to tell him, that his behaviour upset and angered you and upset the DC?

What does he do for your birthdays? What did you get him and was it what he wanted? No need for sneering, that’s horrible.

As for his hang ups about work, think many people feel like that. But perhaps not the “haven’t achieved what I’m capable of”. Working life can be hard but no excuse to treat others badly.

Time for him to get over his ego, perhaps!

But these are his young children - you'd think he could whack a smile on for 10 minutes and open their gifts so as not to upset them?

Oh - and take all his presents back and get a refund this afternoon.
Use the money to buy yourself or the DC something.
He doesn't want them. He made that clear.
So return them.

Yep, I told him. He's adamant that it was my fault for getting the present wrong, and I should've known better.

In retrospect, the present could've been better, but I did try. It was a minor error. Imagine, say, someone asks for a Gore cycling jersey, and you get them a Gore cycling jersey, but with a slightly different pocket to the one they would've preferred. Similar level of error to that.

And stuff his cake. Dont bother. See how he reacts when u totally ignore his xmas/birthday
Hand it over to him. You sound very thoughtful but this is the kind of living attention that some people like to crush.

He's adamant that it was my fault for getting the present wrong, and I should've known better.

Ungrateful little shit. Honestly, he sounds awful.

Your poor DC. Does he manipulate them/tread all over them in other ways?

You've used the phrase 'should have known better' twice now, so i'm thinking that is actually what he said to you. About a gift you bought him.

Speechless.

As for his hang ups about work, think many people feel like that. But perhaps not the “haven’t achieved what I’m capable of”

I mean this gently but in a lot of instances the only person who thinks they are capable of whatever is the person themselves. But they don't ask themselves why no one else does or why they don't move on and achieve it elsewhere. It's a blame everyone else, they are all arseholes who don't know how great I am thing.

If it's an error as minor as that he's an ungrateful bastard.

If you still want to bake his cake, make sure you spit in it.

What a misery. There's something called manners - and he seems to be hugely lacking in them.

I'm so sorry OP - it sounds like you've tried your best and he's throwing it back at you. I'd cancel this evening's activities and let him stew. Concentrate on your DCs instead.

What a horrible horrible father to have. Your poor kids.

Too little to understand anything except that they got presents for daddy and wanted to say happy birthday and he responded with sneers and aggression and left them in tears.

Don't even BEGIN to make stupid excuses for this piece of shit. So he dislikes getting older? Tough fucking shit. If you're even a passable parent, when your child excitedly gives you a birthday present you damn well make them feel good about it. Or, in a nutshell, you are being abusive towards them.

I sincerely hope you'll cancel that babysitter and spend this evening making a nicer memory for them OP. I can't think why you'd want to go out with your nasty piece of work husband and I can't think why you'd want to leave your kids with a sitter to do so when they would probably feel a lot better being with you, after this morning's performance.

And don't bother with a cake unless there's a handy cyanide flavour one in the reduced aisle.

A minor error with his present?

I wouldn't be making a cake for the miserable bastard or taking him out. Cancel the babysitter and take the DCs out to make up for their dad being a self absorbed fuckwitted twat.

God he sounds dreadful. Another cyclist? Probably spends his spare time on his hobby and you and the DC are a second thought. What a terrible thing to do to his DC. As for you, scrap the cake and take your DC out and leave him to it this evening

He sounds a treat eh.

I wouldn’t be getting him an Xmas gift.

He's adamant that it was my fault for getting the present wrong. It was a minor error. Imagine, say, someone asks for a Gore cycling jersey, and you get them a Gore cycling jersey, but with a slightly different pocket to the one they would've preferred. Similar level of error to that.

I hope you're embarrassed to be married to such a petulant tantrumming entitled toddler of a man. Jesus that is AWFUL.

Also, in 2019 it’s quite feasible that he had already dealt with a shitty email or message from work before he came downstairs.

That doesn't excuse behaving like a dick to his wife and kids.

I'd booked this afternoon off work, to bake him a cake for when he gets home.

Bake the cake anyway & poison it.

Apologies for the flippancy OP - but DH's behaviour is so shocking I came over a bit unnecessary. Your POOR children. What is DH like for the other 364 days of the year?

If you feel so upset about it then imagine how your poor kids feel Is that really the male example you want them to aspire to?

I think presents in the morning where a person is working that day is a recipe for disaster. We do presents in the evening, 5pm ish, or thereabouts and it's much better, far more relaxed.

Plus there's anticipation, from him, from the kids, it's lovely.

Some people do not like birthdays (me), it's an ordeal that I paste on a happy face for and anybody who really knew me would call it as fake (and they'd be right). For everybody else, I make a huge effort.

Sorry you've had your parade rained on, OP. I hope he will apologise and make it right... and that you will heed this for the next occasion.