Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is anyone truly happy being single?

221 replies

Blushingm · 25/11/2019 16:29

I hate it - I'm just so lonely and sad. I want someone who cares about me, hugs me just because and wants me

I split with exh over 3 years ago. 1 brief thing with a crazy unstable strange narcissist and another with someone I truly love but says we live too far apart to make things work (40 mins drive)

It feels sometimes if I disappeared no one would notice or care

OP posts:
pointythings · 26/11/2019 09:55

I have done both - spent 6 years happily single before meeting my DH, spent 25 years with him (the last 4 of which were hell due to his alcoholism) and am now happily single again for coming up 2 years. I am open to the idea of a relationship but I don't feel I need one to be happy and fulfilled.

PinkMonkeyBird · 26/11/2019 10:05

I'm in the early stages of a new relationship, but prior to that was single and totally fine with it. l love having my own space and time. Fitting a new bloke in is a bit of a trial, but he is very lovely and worth it. If it doesn't work out, it really isn't the end of the world and I would be totally fine being single again.

I think the key thing is that having a partner should not define who you are or dictate your happiness.

DreamingOfLivingInAChateau · 26/11/2019 10:14

I am far happier single than when I was in a relationship - I was always fighting his fires, and everything was about him, sex was about him, and it was shit, he couldn't keep it up terribly well, and then id have to spend ages trying to get him off. I am perfectly happy now, I have my dogs, and my friends, and the only men I have in my life are either family or very close incredibly platonic friends. no desire for a relationship, happy out of it!!

SophieSong · 26/11/2019 10:49

Yea I'm happy single. I did go through a period of time where I was quite isolated and a bit lonely, but after focusing on my passions and career life really took off and got filled with things I love which to me are more fulfilling than a romance.

I did meet someone who was on paper fucking perfect - great company, sweet, considerate (and great in bed) but it turned out that the emotional energy required to keep it all going was more than I was willing to offer at this stage.

Came as a bit of a surprise as my dating history is not stellar and I always figured it was a case of not meeting the right person (or indeed anyone stable and reliable and easy to be with!). So to figure out that actually I AM happier on my own and that relationships are not particularly important to me was quite a nice surprise.

I like hugs and company and hanging out and having a laugh and all the little 'couply' things you get from a relationship - yea. But actually it doesn't fulfil me in the same way my independence and life goals do. And, as time goes on, I realise how much time I actually wasted either on bad relationships or trying to find a good one - none of which gave me deep satisfaction and fulfilment.

I genuinely believe that we have elevated romantic love to a place that is harmful in many instances and that the reality is pretty poor in comparison to the ideals we're trained to run after. I thought that even before finding someone who could be seen as 'The One' . (as in ticking basically every box you could think of in the healthy and lovely category). Now I'm even more convinced.

(and yea in an ideal world it should not have been a choice between me and my life and a romance - but it was, not least because the expectation for time and emotional energy commitment in any romantic relationship that's 'serious' is enormous.)

isthismylifenow · 26/11/2019 11:23

As mentioned further up, being single is so much better than being in a bad relationship.

I can see both sides here as I am in a fairly new relationship after being single for almost 5 years.

I liked being on my own during my 'recovery' from my divorce. I am one of those people who withdraw in order to heal, so I was happy to talk to no one and have alone time. But it was a bit extreme and when the dc weren't here I was a complete hermit. I wouldn't answer messages or the door or speak to a soul except the dc. But i needed that I think.

Then my next phase come along which then included other people and I went for some nights out with other woman in my situation. And they were just off the scale opposite to me.... really trying to grab attention from men, flirting etc. I knew then that that was a nope from me as couldn't bear the thought of a man near me, never mind me instigating it.

Then a while later, things changed again and I found this out in the weirdest way. I went for a trip to a spa and got a massage and a bit of pampering. My reaction after this shocked me to the core. I made it to the car where there i just burst into tears and could not stop. The massage was lovely, but i realised how much I was craving touch from another person. It was nothing of a sexual nature, my therapist was female and I am not all attracted to females so I knew it wasn't from that point of view. But I missed just being given a hug, being held and just having skin to skin contact. I know some reading this might think this very odd but i didn't even realise i missed it until that day.

This is where a fwb friendship started, just for a brief time. But it was what I needed then. I didn't have feelings for him, and he moved jobs not long after but I felt okay then, as I had had my fix.

So I went back to being 100 single again and with the mindset that i would never ever go into another relationship. I couldn't be bothered thinking of another person again after 20 years of marriage which was a disaster, it was just too much hard work and took too much from me. Happy enough to do my own thing, focus on the dc and for once put me first.

Well then the unexpected happened. Met someone. Actually a very old friend just suddenly popped up again in my life. But the problem was that I had to rewire my brain again to accept someone new, as I was so set in my mind that I wouldn't be giving of myself to anyone ever again. Some days its hard I admit. I battle to share me now and I like my space. But I found someone amazing who understands that and gives me the space i need. Just taking it slow as I can't do it any other way.

Never in a million years would i expected to have typed this last paragraph out.

So yes, I was happy being single. But now I am happy not being single. I think it is what works for you at the stage you are in in your lives.

As an aside i have a recently divorced friend who is not coping being alone. She feels she needs someone in her life, and isn't loving her life right now. I think every person is different and some need companionship more from others, while some people are happy to do it alone. She is very extroverted, I am the opposite so I think she just needs people around her a lot.

ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong · 26/11/2019 12:06

I've been single for a year and a half and I am happy so far, of course it would be nice to have someone, but honestly the amount of stories I read on here, kind of puts me off wanting another relationship and I've got children and if I was to meet someone else with children it might not be easy and then ex's in the mix, I'd rather be alone for now Grin

Irisloulou · 26/11/2019 12:10

I tend to find that the women who are happy being single are the ones with DC, with a good support network, who perhaps have come out of unfulfilling relationships with their DCs father.

^^yes that’s me!!

Theendofmyrope · 26/11/2019 12:39

@Blushingm
God..... I could have written your post [aside from the meeting someone bit..am too old now I think]
So much of what you wrote resonated with me right down to missing basic human physical contact like a hug.

Theendofmyrope · 26/11/2019 12:40

Sorry@Blushingm my post was meant for @isthismylifenow Blush

Zaphodsotherhead · 26/11/2019 12:48

I spent all my adult life in relationships. I'm now 59, single and my children are all grown up so I live alone, with my dog. I get all my social interactions from work (which is full on) and so I love the peace and quiet of my little house.
There's only been one occasion when I felt a bit 'meh' about it, and that was when I was ill, back in the summer, and I could have done with someone to bring me a drink or some paracetamol. But then I remembered that most of the men I've been with would have ignored me being ill, or been 'iller' than me, or too busy to take care of me...and I realised I was better off on my own feeling ill, rather than feeling ill and resentful.

misspiggy19 · 26/11/2019 12:51

All my single friends are lonely. They just want to meet a partner

crochetmonkey74 · 26/11/2019 12:57

I was in a toxic relationship- 10 years
Single- 10 years
now in lovely happy relationship - 5 years

I was genuinely happy single- I was generally celibate too- and I did most of my growing up single and it was my happiest time.
I love my DP now and am very fulfilled but I know if I were single again I would actively enjoy it

JacquesHammer · 26/11/2019 12:58

All my single friends are lonely. They just want to meet a partner

Which is very sad for them.

But doesn’t answer the OP’s point Smile

Lampan · 26/11/2019 13:14

Is anyone happily single having not had a bad marriage or life trauma?
Me. I think maybe I’m so happy being single because I am lucky enough to have so far had a life without these things.

WWlOOlWW · 26/11/2019 13:39

I think feeling lonely when single relates to other circumstances.

The first time I was single (6 years) I was a young single mum with no money, a shitty job, no prospects, no social life, no internet and lived in a pokey flat.

I was desperately lonely.

Second times single (5 years) I had been to university, great fulfilling career, money, car, kids older so could do what I wanted without the need of sitter, lovely home, more single mates around and the internet.

I wasn't lonely at all.

ChocAuVin · 26/11/2019 13:41

Could not be happier.

Married for years in an abusive relationship. Horrendous divorce—genuinely still wake up wondering if I’m allowed to be this happy Smile

SlightlyBonkersQFA · 26/11/2019 14:20

The loneliness of being single isnt 100% from being single. It is partly from being excluded at times from the couple stuff, the mixed company, weekends... so it is important to make SINGLE friends

Tumbleweed101 · 26/11/2019 15:36

I’ve been alone eight years and I go through phases of liking or disliking being alone. At the moment I’m feeling lonely and would like someone to share life with. On the other hand I can’t imagine how to go about starting a relationship. I don’t even know where to meet men! My ex was my only proper relationship and we never really did the dating thing because of how we met so I’m not really sure how it all works in middle age.

To be honest I’ve got to a point I believe I’ll be alone and lonely forever :(.

MeowTseTung · 26/11/2019 15:58

I was getting by on my own until July when two of my best (only) friends died within 48 hours of each other (I'm 50 and we knew each other since pre-school). Now I'm in dire need of someone special, just for a talk and a hug once in a while, however like PPs I just feel too broken to either try or to feel as if I would appeal to anyone new.

JacquesHammer · 26/11/2019 15:59

MeowTseTung that’s so hard, I’m so sorry for your losses Flowers

Shalom23 · 26/11/2019 16:05

I'm single. No major trauma a few long term relationships. Still friends. No interest in living with a partner. Am completely bouyed up by my own life.

AskforJanice · 26/11/2019 16:06

Another one here. Am single and could not be happier. A great relationship might be the ideal but single is 100% preferable than anything less than that. I still date but cannot imagine being in a relationship for some time, certainly until the kids are much older.

I’m lucky though, I have great friends, a small but very close family, and of course my two young children to keep me busy, so I never feel lonely. I appreciate not everyone is as fortunate though

dontalltalkatonce · 26/11/2019 16:08

Get a dog or adopt an affectionate cat.

AskforJanice · 26/11/2019 16:11

Someone said above that they don’t know ANYONE in real life that’s happy bring single. That surprises me - of course I know a few people that would love to be in a relationship but most my single friends are genuinely extremely happy.

hellsbellsmelons · 26/11/2019 16:23

@AskforJanice I think it depends a lot on age and where you are in life.
My 2 best friends are mid 40's (I'm a bit older) and we have been in the shitty relationships. And 2 of us have had our kids, and they are grown up. One has gone it alone with a child and is a wonderful mum.

None of us want or need a man.
But when you are younger and all your friends are in relationships etc... I can imagine it's a lot of peer pressure to be in a relationship.
Goodness only knows why.
But women are starting to learn that we don't need 'a man' to survive and in fact we can actually manage far better without them!

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread