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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New relationship- advice and views please!

213 replies

aroundandaroundagain · 24/11/2019 17:33

I've started seeing this guy, its only been a few weeks and I'm not sure about it.
We've only been out once in the last 3 week's. Last weekend he said he would come and see me and we'd go out but he didn't and then this weekend the same and it never happened.
We hardly text and never talk on the phone.
I see him during the week at his business which is just around the corner from where I live but that's it. When I see him He's really into me.
In the last two weeks I've got my results though for my degree and passed. He said we would celebrate but we haven't and last week it was my birthday. He said I didn't tell him when I did. Again he said we would do something but didn't.

I'm thinking about ending it.
What would you do?

OP posts:
libbynaughtz26 · 27/11/2019 17:01

You havnt said if your 'letting' him take you out? Please say your not op?

Timetobegood · 27/11/2019 17:50

Do you want to go out with him or not? You need to decide and then react based on that decision.

Loopytiles · 27/11/2019 18:07

Er, no. If OP still wants to date this man her judgment is seriously awry!

AnneKipanki · 27/11/2019 18:12

People love me , yeah, not as much as he loves himself.

Deadsouls · 27/11/2019 19:28

Why are you still talking to him?

The only way out of the confusion is to cut him off. Tell him you don't want to see him, you don't think you are well matched, all the best...blah blah and shut the door, (metaphorically). He is flip flopping around, giving you crumbs, saying what you want to hear.

Unless....

You want to continue seeing him. Which you may, though I fear this will lead to heartache and confusion.

Stillsexystillsingle · 27/11/2019 21:16

I know you really like the guy but this isn't how dating works when a normal guy is genuinely interested... first off he played that tired old game of acting interested but not taking you out on dates, when he must have known you would have loved to have been asked out on and gone on real dates, now you've called him out on his general crapness he's swung to the other extreme and is now determined he is taking you out whether you want to go out with him or not the whole thing is quite frankly just really bizarre, but you don't seem to be seeing red flags you seem like you're quite flattered by his attention but it's all still just words and showing up at your house like that is really odd and if you keep inviting him in it sets a precedent for him to drop in and out whenever he pleases and you'll never get taken on these mythical dates, but what's even more of a concern is this is a man who's trampling all over your boundaries right at the very beginning of the relationship before you've even really properly dated it smacks of control and control is the gateway to worse, stalking and potentially violence , be very careful, I think you should give up all hopes of actually dating this man now and find someone less scary, don't open the door, don't let him in your house, tell him you don't want him to contact you again and if he persists call the police. Seriously.

SlothOfSluggishness · 27/11/2019 21:24

Stay with us OP. You’re vulnerable and we want to make sure you’re ok.

I wish I’d had Mumsnet the last 30 years (only discovered it this year really). I think I could have been saved A LOT of grief.

Stillsexystillsingle · 27/11/2019 21:37

I've just reread what you said he said because I hadn't managed to make sense of it...so he said he was waiting for you to tell him you needed him to communicate with you before communicating with you? I'm sorry but who does that? And he took you saying that as a sign that he was welcome to turn up uninvited at your house? Again it's going from one extreme to another isn't it. Either this is one very clueless man or he's playing a mighty good game to completely confuse you and get and keep you where he wants you. My money's on the latter. Hey, I'm completely confused myself and I don't even know or fancy the guy. So he had no luck getting you to have sex with him at his workplace so he's now moved the venue for sex to happen to your house, without consulting you first? Is that what's really going on here do you think?

namechange4052 · 27/11/2019 21:49

Ugh he sounds like a massive bellend and I am worried that you sound quite vulnerable to men like him as you haven't already binned him.

Original poster
aroundandaroundagain · 28/11/2019 00:12

I'm just too depressed right now to do anything about anything. I'm sorry, I will update when I'm feeling a bit better and able.

OP posts:
Chocmallows · 28/11/2019 00:18

OP dating is really tough and sometimes it is good to take breaks and focus on areas in life that are more stable...see friends, visit places you like. It sounds as though you need less pressure rather than trying to interpret mixed messages from this man.

AnneKipanki · 28/11/2019 06:52

Enjoy your time with your sister .

We are only trying to help.Thanks

Stillsexystillsingle · 28/11/2019 07:40

I feel like you were open to giving this man a chance with you but what you wanted from him was to be asked and taken out on dates not all this bs he's taken your trust and vulnerability and optimism and openness to the possibility of being in a new relationship and taken advantage of and abused that so now all you can do is cut him off and move on its horrible but there are some truly awful people out there and this happens a lot so don't be down or discouraged just cut him off and move on men who try to treat you like this don't even deserve a backwards glance believe that you deserve better and find a man who agrees with you

BradP · 28/11/2019 07:53

How are you feeling Hopefully your mood has lifted!

Longfacenow · 28/11/2019 07:54

OP. Your updates make me feel sad for you. You need to get on the Freedom Programme asap.

Stop all contact with this man and look after yourself, he won't!

MollyButton · 28/11/2019 08:01

If you are feeling too depressed to do anything - then make sure you don't do anything including communicating or spending time with him.

When you can start talking to RL people about him. Build a network who will support you.

You said your previous relationship was abusive?
He is pushing at your boundaries. He probably has from the start. Have you said No and then he's kept on about it or just "not taken No for an answer"? Every time he does this successfully, he is breaking your boundaries. And even if he doesn't get his own way by "leaning " on your defences he is weakening them (like if someone leans on your garden fence they can end up knocking it over).

You can be strong.
You deserve more.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 28/11/2019 09:46

Just to echo what others said I'm really sorry if at any point it felt like people were cross with you, they've been frustrated only because we wish you did feel strong enough at the moment to end things with this guy.

We are all here for you if you need to think things over or have any support so please do come back and check in any time you feel able to.

Thanks
Original poster
aroundandaroundagain · 28/11/2019 12:29

Its not anyone on this thread. I know you are all just trying to help me see what's going on. I've plummeted in the last couple of days. My kids are all sick so that is hard going. I've reduced my antidepressants as i want to come off them. I miss my ex, I have no friends to talk to, I just feel like everything is weighting on me at the moment and I'm trying not to slip back to suicidal thoughts.

I am on the freedom programme already. I have been for a few weeks now and go to the class once a week. I had therapy last year for a few months which helped me become functional and reduce feelings of self hate and self blame.

There's a lot of damage to undo though. Not only because of my abusive ex of whom I was with for 17 years but also due to sexual, physical and emotional abuse in childhood.

I've had therapy and counselling. On the surface I appear to be put together and have my shit in order. I'm actually a HR professional and lecturer. I have a small side business too.

But I'm really a fucking mess underneath and holding on by my teeth.

OP posts:
Original poster
aroundandaroundagain · 28/11/2019 12:33

I feel overwhelmed with this new guy. He's love bombed me, made me feel something, promised me the world.
I know this is all probably tactics though.
I think I'm in denial because I don't trust my own gut. I often feel like I'm being paranoid, untrusting or just plain crazy- due to the symptoms of the C-PTSD everything can easily become distorted.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 28/11/2019 12:38

OP I really want to give you a hug.

You miss your ex - you're not ready for a new relationship.
You've got a lot of healing to do.

You're such a strong lady and you don't need a man to fix you.

You can rely on all of us to handhold.

Original poster
aroundandaroundagain · 28/11/2019 12:46

@GiveHerHellFromUs that's made me cry. I really do need a hug right now. Thank you

OP posts:
AnneKipanki · 28/11/2019 12:56

You are doing really well ! You have your degree ..wow.
That must have been really hard with the children to look after too .
That is really awesome .

Fififellforit · 28/11/2019 13:00

Lovebombing is one of their tactics. I think they use it to get you hooked ..if it works ..they have some one in their net . You are probably not alone .
There was a really good thread recently that mentioned INTERMITTENT REINFORCEMENT .

AnneKipanki · 28/11/2019 13:02

One other thing you mentioned was reducing your medication. Are you doing that under guidance from your doctor ?

Thesepostsmakemechuckle · 28/11/2019 13:10

Have you tried EMDR for your PTSD? There is a lot of evidence for this...if you can't get it on the NHS then you could pay privately if you have the funds. You would be looking at approximately £80 per hr but it is very well evidenced and I know someone who was really suffering and has completely recovered since attending. I don't know where in the country you are but it depends on the area if you can get it free or there may be charities who can offer it and maybe do hand in hand with CBT. You are doing exceptionally well, completing your MSc and managing to do that with children...cut yourself some slack. This dick has just knocked you off course. Fake it til you make it and believe in yourself. You will get there and you should be proud of yourself 🙂