New relationship- advice and views please!

[aroundandaroundagain]

I've started seeing this guy, its only been a few weeks and I'm not sure about it.
We've only been out once in the last 3 week's. Last weekend he said he would come and see me and we'd go out but he didn't and then this weekend the same and it never happened.
We hardly text and never talk on the phone.
I see him during the week at his business which is just around the corner from where I live but that's it. When I see him He's really into me.
In the last two weeks I've got my results though for my degree and passed. He said we would celebrate but we haven't and last week it was my birthday. He said I didn't tell him when I did. Again he said we would do something but didn't.

I'm thinking about ending it.
What would you do?

Actions speak louder than words, and if he is doing no actions but speaking the words, that's a huge red flag. One thing I've learnt is to take notice of the red flags in the beginning, because they will 100% always be there. You gotta decide if you think you're worth more or you're OK to settle with this person. X

Real relationships are about both of you giving to the other person - your love, time, attention, respect - this seems to be someone who just wants to take from you without giving anything back - attention definitely, sex as well if he can get it without putting in any kind of effort on his part - sadly there are so many of these idiots out there preying on single mums - I've had 15 years of it! Nowadays when I meet a man i like who's interested in me I stand back and let him prove himself and show me who he really is before I'll take things any further - and the vast majority just show me they are selfish narcissists sadly and not worth mine or anyone elses time - there's a lot of them around be careful out there and don't waste your time and your love on someone who doesn't deserve it

He only thinks about you when you are right in front of him. When you aren't there, it's 'out of sight, out of mind'.

He's also waaaaaay over the top with the 'I love you, we'll get married, I'll take on your kids' when he doesn't know YOU. He's spent nearly no time with you, hasn't seen you snotty with a cold or vommity with a bug or up all night with the kids. He hasn't seen you cry over the death of a loved one or a pet.

To him you are an object. When you are there he really means that he loves you, but when you go away, he forgets you exist. He makes no effort to continue the love (which he can't possibly feel yet, he's mistaking lust for love, as many men do).

He's in love with being in love, not with you, OP. Go and find yourself someone who's prepared to put themselves out for you and learn to love you properly.

You ‘refuse to chase’ yet you call into his workplace several times a week, despite the fact you only seem to have gone on one date?

You have children to consider and you barely even know this man! You need to stop being so irresponsible.

It doesn't sound like it constitutes as a relationship, more like vague dating. I honestly wouldn't bother with him!

He sounds rather ridiculous OP. Tell him you don't plan to marry him, in fact you don't plan to see him again.

Did you tell him you loved him too?

Stop going to his work. Why would you do that anyway? Does he take you to lunch or something. Does he think you have money and it’s your bank balance he hopes to get close to?
This whole situation is weird. Normal people go on a date, one if them phones the other and suggests another date, they go on another date. Three months later they are meeting at each other’s houses, going out for meals, drinks, have perhaps met each other’s best friend, have perhaps met a parent. Know where each other works and when their birthday is.
Your situation is not following this pattern. It is not normal. You should have been on at least three dates by now. And him or you phoning in between. Do you even know his number if he yours?

Are you thinking he’s the only guy that will ever be interested in you? He’s not you know. There will be others.

Concentrate on your kids and yourself. This guy is not interested. He makes no effort. You do all the running. There is no evidence he’s told anyone about you. His work must be wondering why you keep turning up there. Stop please. You can do better. Good I know OP.

Its his business. He owns it and there's no one else there but him. I go see him and we chat for a while. Sometimes we go and get lunch together. He wants me to go and see him, I don't just turn up. It is arranged in advance.

I was with my ex for 17 years.
I got with my ex when I was 16 and we split up last year so I'm inexperienced with new relationships, please do easy on me.

This guy is weird. Avoid.

Its only been a few weeks, you haven't spent much quality time together (if any) and yet he's already said he loves you and sees a future with you.

My love I totally get that you are fresh back to dating so want this to sound supportive not harsh but this is NOT normal.

He is over invested when it comes to his words and under invested when it comes to his actions. Look up future faking as it may apply.

You are already unhappy about whatever is between you and this should be the fun, easy, brilliant bit.

You really need to stop seeing him especially as at the moment you have no ties to him at all, so it will never be easier than how.

His behaviour is not healthy or normal and you should definitely end it.

He also sounds a little bit....not quite right.

Has HE ever been married, had children or a long term relationship? It sounds a bit as though he's got all his information about what women want from TV.

Seems like hard work and playing games. I'd avoid him if a man or woman wants to see you they will. Don't give him the chance to do it again.

Its his business. He owns it and there's no one else there but him. I go see him and we chat for a while. Sometimes we go and get lunch together. He wants me to go and see him, I don't just turn up. It is arranged in advance.

Well, that's what I assumed, but while you say you are not 'chasing', you are nonetheless trotting around there meekly several times a week to see him. It makes it very easy for him to do nothing at all other than agree to be visited (and he's clearly very lazy or unmotivated in missing out on any marking whatsoever of two big occasions for you recently), while you show up like the postal delivery with no effort on his part.

And I would definitely end it. You're worth someone taking some trouble over you.

A relationship doesn't exist when someone simply says they are your partner. Being someone's partner is a process that takes time, commitment and really knowing each other.
Don't fall for pretty words of a man you barely know. Just because he says he's your partner and wants to marry you doesn't mean you actually have a relationship.
For future reference don't introduce a man to your kids for at least 6 months, and don't fall for future faking. A man who talks about love and marriage mere weeks into dating is future faking and will either break your heart or end up abusing you.

He sounds like a complete nutter.

Ooh @CodenameVillanelle I'm going to steal this it is so perfectly put:

A relationship doesn't exist when someone simply says they are your partner.

@aroundandaroundagain

RUN

He needs psychiatric help, telling you he loves you after one date/three weeks. But not actually seeing you.

Also making a speech about your kids that he's never met is creepy as fuck.

Run and don't look back

He is showing more red flags than a beach in the middle of a hurricane.

You are his groupie and striking his ego. He is saying all these fake lovey things to keep you in the spider web. If he gets lunch + other benefits for you in those lunches, you get your answer. He wants those benefits not you.

You need to run. Swim away, shark, swim away.
Do you always fall this fast and hard in your romantic life?

Married. Block and run for your life!

I can't believe you've even thought of this situation as a relationship.
It seems that you want there to be a relationship so you can be the one to end it.
That's easily done just stop nipping in to his place of work!
You are a mother, you meet someone and go on one date, and he's spouting bullshit and you've swallowed every line. Do you not think someone calling you their future wife, declaring love for you and taking on your kids on is very odd? If you don't maybe give it some serious thought, it's certainly not normal after one date.
I hope you sort this situation out, I think you'd be best out of it. Take care

There is clearly some reason he is not taking you out of a weekend or evening. It’s not normal. I appreciate you’ve not been in the dating game for a while but trust us all when we say this is weird. Are you having sex at his office? If he’s getting sex by telling you lovey dovey stuff that you like to hear then there is no need for him to take you out, he got what he wanted.

Do you know where he lives? Go to the local library in that area and ask to see the electoral roll. Look him up and see who else is registered at his address. That way you can see if there is a wife. There could be one at a different address or a gf right enough but I think there will be a clue there.

Or go on 192.com. It’s free for old records once you know the address but it costs for newer or confidential records, like if he ticked the box on paperwork to say he wants it kept private. It will have old records of a wife or parent from years ago if there is a history of him at that address. Id look it up online. If not there or it’s going to cost, go to his library armed with the address as this is the cheapest way to do this.

You can look up his business on company’s house website if he’s listed there but he may not be if he’s a sole trader.

I really do think something weird is going on here OP. Be careful with your heart.

Completely weird. How exactly did you meet?

If he's like this in the trying to impress/honeymoon stage, can you imagine how unreliable he will be when he's got his feet under the table?

You've only been on one date, he wants to marry you but hasn't acknowledged or followed through with what he's promised on two major events in your life ( congratulations on your degree and birthday btw)

He never texts, phones or sees you in the evenings or weekends. Don't you think that's strange? A single man who's told family and friends about you can't spare you a few hours when he's not working?

You don't know him or anything about him, you only know what he's telling you.

Why don't you phone him this evening? Why wouldn't you, you say he considers you his girlfriend.

I too think he's married/ attached and that's why he's never free.

My advice once you've dumped him is to raise the bar and stop accepting shitty behaviour from men. You owe them nothing but you owe yourself and your DC's decent, honest and respectful at the very least.