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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New relationship- advice and views please!

213 replies

aroundandaroundagain · 24/11/2019 17:33

I've started seeing this guy, its only been a few weeks and I'm not sure about it.
We've only been out once in the last 3 week's. Last weekend he said he would come and see me and we'd go out but he didn't and then this weekend the same and it never happened.
We hardly text and never talk on the phone.
I see him during the week at his business which is just around the corner from where I live but that's it. When I see him He's really into me.
In the last two weeks I've got my results though for my degree and passed. He said we would celebrate but we haven't and last week it was my birthday. He said I didn't tell him when I did. Again he said we would do something but didn't.

I'm thinking about ending it.
What would you do?

OP posts:
Stillsexystillsingle · 26/11/2019 06:10

Set your standards higher . Tell him you don't want to meet at his office you expect to be taken out on dates. Tell him you want to get to know him better by going on dates and then you'll decide if you want a sexual relationship with him and you'll let him know if and when you're ready to move this relationship forward. See if he steps up. I don't think he will though sorry. Also I , would be very careful about spending time with a man whose trying to sweet talk and flatter you in his workplace alone in his workplace as you're putting yourself at high risk of sexual assault. The normal thing when you meet someone is to date, in public places, until you feel comfortable enough to be in a situation with someone where intimacy couldpotentially happen not to have intimacy forced on you going to his workplace to be alone with him is not normal and is putting yourself at risk

Timetobegood · 26/11/2019 06:30

You say he is really into you when he sees you. If that means you are turning up at the garage for sex then yes he is probably in his element. Sorry for assuming if that’s not the case. It’s all very convenient for him anyway isn’t it. He doesn’t have to take you out to get to see you.

Yeahyeahyeahyeeeeah · 26/11/2019 06:47

OP you’ve done well, you’ve seen the problem early. Of course you’re upset, but feel pleased you’re strong enough to take action now. Flowers

Loopytiles · 26/11/2019 06:51

Not into you, best not waste your time.

Stillsexystillsingle · 26/11/2019 06:53

A lot of men amuse themselves in this way at work it's just a game they play to pass the time some will take it as far as actual sex and they see it as something completely separate from their lives outside work with their families wives or girlfriends it's not a relationship to them it's a game. The clue is, how interested is he in seeing you outside work, if you take away the option of seeing you at work? Give him your number, tell him you won't be calling by his work anymore but you're up for going out on a date with him and see what he does next. A relationship is all the things you said, taking you out on your birthday etc, I think you already know in your heart of hearts that isn't what this is, you gave him a chance to prove himself to you as a worthy potential partner and he failed to do so, so maybe it's time to move on and give another man a chance with you instead

CodenameVillanelle · 26/11/2019 07:08

Profile pictures don't disappear when you're blocked on WhatsApp until the person changes it and then you won't see it anymore.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 26/11/2019 07:09

If the married theory is right, I'd say it's more likely he's deleting the app when he's with the wife and that's why you only got 1 tick, then he reinstalls it when he wants to talk to you.

Zaphodsotherhead · 26/11/2019 08:06

Oh OP, it's horrible, isn't it? It's so lovely to feel wanted and needed by another person that sometimes, especially if we feel a bit lonely and underappreciated, it's easy to overlook behaviours. We can sweep things under the mat that, in normal circumstances would make us say 'on your bike, sunshine!' just to get a hug, a kiss, to feel special.

This is not your man. There are plenty of other men out there who WILL take you on dates, remember your birthday, who want just want a quick ego-boosing grope behind the swarfega pump.

He is not a good or nice man. Ignore what he says, in fact, ignore HIM.

Zaphodsotherhead · 26/11/2019 08:07

Don't just want an ego boosting grope, fgs! Nice men generally don't!

Thesepostsmakemechuckle · 26/11/2019 08:07

You can still see their last profile image if they block you but your message doesn't deliver until they unblock you. Of all the people in the world it is most unlikely the same guy but if his name begins with L and he lives in a small town beginning with W trust your gut. Even if it is not the same person trust your gut anyway. She ignored her instincts and all the warnings that something just was not right and stories did not add up but wanted to believe what he told her. I think whatever is going on, it made you feel uncomfortable enough to come here and ask advice. Do what is best for the children

joystir59 · 26/11/2019 08:14

I assume you have sex when you visit him at his garage? That would explain why you've become so over invested with such minimal social contact. He really isn't interested in you except for a shag whenever he feels like it. Time to lift your sights and move on.

AnneKipanki · 26/11/2019 08:31

You are not stupid.

However your gut instinct is kicking in now . That is why you have posted .

PLEASE do not WhatsApp or call him . Do not listen to what he is saying. It is what he is DOING. He does not care.

GuessWhoColeen · 26/11/2019 08:32

Have you looked for him on dating sites & 'hook up' sites?

I think you may find him and why he is otherwise engaged most nights of the week.

Original poster
aroundandaroundagain · 26/11/2019 16:00

He text me last night. He was at the gym.
No I don't have sex with him at his business.
I spoke to him today and he agreed that we need more communication. He said he doesn't ring me because he knows I'm busy with the kids and doesn't want me to get fed up with him ringing at busy times.
He said I should ring him and that I can do anytime I want. He doesn't know why I'm holding back.
I mentioned that we don't see each other that often and he said he would start coming to see me in the evenings and then we could stay at his sometimes too.
He also said we could go out at the weekend - told him I'm busy which I am.

I'm going to see how it goes.

OP posts:
AnneKipanki · 26/11/2019 16:10

All sorted then.

Zaphodsotherhead · 26/11/2019 16:11

He also said you'd go out the last couple of weekends - and you didn't.

Did you ask him why not?

AFairlyHardAvocado · 26/11/2019 16:15

He said
He said
He said
He said
He said

OP you are an equal adult in this "relationship".

Is this relationship making you happy? Not just when you are in front of him. Is this relationship actually making you happy and enriching your life more than it is causing stress or worry?

It sounds like you called him with a tone he took as asking permission to change things and he has decided what he is willing to change, positioned them as him generously giving you opportunities to have "more" of him.

All this rather than him saying sorry that you've felt crap and then offering to discuss compromises.

And it sounds like you felt obliged to accept this entitled decision of his and quietly carry on with him dictating terms and conditions.

Sorry OP, this is going to run away with you if you're not careful. You'll be a year down the line and still adhering to his set of rules before you know it.

Again is his positive influence on your life really outweighing the negative influence (stress, worry, self confidence)? It doesn't sound like it is.

Thesepostsmakemechuckle · 26/11/2019 16:19

Thank god it isn't who I thought it was! It sounded exactly like him and I genuinely thought it must be him . It still all sounds weird and desperate to say he loves you and wants to marry you and take on your kids when he doesn't even know you. Does he have children too?

CodenameVillanelle · 26/11/2019 16:25

Are you going to let him stay round your house when your kids are there?
Where is your mind?

Original poster
aroundandaroundagain · 26/11/2019 16:26

I realise there are still red flags, some I haven't mentioned. He doesn't enrich my life as things stand but lets see how the increased contact goes and if I'm unhappy I'm just going to end it.
He has two children himself he sees on a Saturday.

OP posts:
Original poster
aroundandaroundagain · 26/11/2019 16:29

My mind was lost a long time ago with my abusive ex and as a result I have complex ptsd. He's not staying over at mine. He will come see me when they are in bed fast asleep.

It might not even happen. He's said hes doing things before and hasn't.

OP posts:
Thesepostsmakemechuckle · 26/11/2019 16:31

There are other red flags....the ones you mentioned were bad enough. Be careful, especially as there are kids involved. Have you met each other's kids?

Thesepostsmakemechuckle · 26/11/2019 16:33

We cross posted. Be even more cautious then as abusers can sniff out a victim from a mile away and you are opening yourself up to it

Timetobegood · 26/11/2019 16:33

It would still be best to actually go out with him before it gets to the staying over stage.

Timetobegood · 26/11/2019 16:36

It’s far too convenient for him to call in for a shag in the evenings. Not much effort in that.

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