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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New relationship- advice and views please!

213 replies

aroundandaroundagain · 24/11/2019 17:33

I've started seeing this guy, its only been a few weeks and I'm not sure about it.
We've only been out once in the last 3 week's. Last weekend he said he would come and see me and we'd go out but he didn't and then this weekend the same and it never happened.
We hardly text and never talk on the phone.
I see him during the week at his business which is just around the corner from where I live but that's it. When I see him He's really into me.
In the last two weeks I've got my results though for my degree and passed. He said we would celebrate but we haven't and last week it was my birthday. He said I didn't tell him when I did. Again he said we would do something but didn't.

I'm thinking about ending it.
What would you do?

OP posts:
AFairlyHardAvocado · 26/11/2019 16:47

I realise there are still red flags, some I haven't mentioned. He doesn't enrich my life as things stand but lets see how the increased contact goes and if I'm unhappy I'm just going to end it.

But my love, why?!

Why would you continue things with someone who has even more red flags than you've shared, doesn't enrich your life and already makes you unhappy?

What is the benefit to you or your children of you continuing to see this man?

Please don't put yourself through this shit.

And please done put your children through thinking this shit is what relationships are meant to be like. They pick up so much more than you know.

And all of the time you waste being sad about him or crying over him is time you could be spending making yourself and your children happy.

You say your mind was lost long ago and you have complex ptsd - that is so awful and not something that will be helped by being in a relationship (especially not such an unhappy one) until you make steps to get yourself some help for these horrible consequences of your previous relationship.

Would you at least consider counselling in the short term?

TowelNumber42 · 26/11/2019 19:00

If he doesn't enrich your life why are you dating him? What's the point?

AhNowTed · 26/11/2019 19:09

Are you having sex with this man, and if so where and when?

MollyButton · 26/11/2019 19:26

Don't contact him again, do not go to the garage.

Do go and get some counselling/therapy. Maybe consider the Freedom Programme.

The best way to get over unhealthy relationships (and you are probably not ready for one yet), is like ripping off a plaster. It might hurt in the short term but is for the best.

CruellaDeVille2019 · 26/11/2019 19:29

If you want to continue to see this man, make him earn your time and effort. He should be bending over backwards to organise dates, want to take you out and show you off to his family and friends (but not DC for a long time yet).

Don't compromise. If he can't be bothered to make the effort then he isn't worth you organising baby sitters etc. Some nights in together cuddled up on the sofa or cooking a nice meal are an important part of a relationship but don't allow nights in with him to be the entire basis of your relationship. The more you make him work for your time and attention in the early stages of a relationship, the more he will appreciate you. It's about having self respect and valuing yourself, then expecting whoever you date to value you too. If he doesn't make the effort then be prepared to walk away.

Longfacenow · 26/11/2019 19:30

It seems you are too invested already and it will take him hurting you or disrespecting you further to see what seems obvious to us here.

That is often the way because it is hard to move on and see the wood for the trees sometimes when we just want to couple up!

YoungHun · 26/11/2019 19:36

Darling, darling, darling. A previous poster has mentioned the book "He's just not that only you" please please read it.

And maybe have a look at the freedom programme if you have just come out of an abusive relationship.

So so many red flags with this guy.

You deserve someone who will treat you well and it doesn't sound like this man does. Can you talk about this man to RL friends? Or your mum?

Original poster
aroundandaroundagain · 26/11/2019 20:09

Well after talking to him in person today about needing more communication I haven't heard anything from him since this morning which is even less than normal. I feel like he is trying to punish me for pointing the lack of comms out? Am I being mad here? Does that make sense to anyone?

I think he might be a narc tbh. He has an inflated sense of self too among other things.

Time to pick up my self worth and self respect and say tatty bye bye asshole, block, delete.

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 26/11/2019 20:15

Oh op, it just doesn't sound healthy at all. Good for you for saying you're getting rid - there's just so many red flags (they ALL say "you're my future wife!/you're all a package deal!", all of them, it's so cliched, and all to keep the woman hooked).running a business does take up a lot of time sometimes, but he seems completely not all that in to you to be harsh but honest. You're well rid.

Gallivespian · 26/11/2019 20:16

Good call, OP. He sounds awful.

And take your car elsewhere for repairs!

Thesepostsmakemechuckle · 26/11/2019 20:19

Have either of you met each other's children? Also, what does he say about his ex because that often tells a lot. What is he saying about himself to make you say he has a massive ego. Sorry but he sounds a total knob and he still sounds exactly the same as this bloke I was talking about, it is uncanny! You deserve so much better, as do your children, after an abusive relationship

AFairlyHardAvocado · 26/11/2019 20:23

Time to pick up my self worth and self respect and say tatty bye bye asshole, block, delete.

I am SO glad to read this OP, please follow through on it because you deserve to find happiness and it ain't gonna be with this dipshit!

And try not to spend too much time wondering why he is how he is - the fact is that is the way he is and you've recognised it's not for you, not making you happy and so it's time to move on.

Well done Thanks

Stillsexystillsingle · 26/11/2019 20:30

Punishing you, yes, I would say so, narcissist, yes I would say so, that bit where you said he said he doesn't know why you're holding back, massive, massive waving red flag of a controlling, manipulative attention seeker, please, please don't let yourself be played by one of these sorry excuses for a human being, walk away now

Original poster
aroundandaroundagain · 26/11/2019 20:51

Thank you do much everyone for your support ❤
@Stillsexystillsingle you said:
"he said he doesn't know why you're holding back, massive, massive waving red flag of a controlling, manipulative attention seeker"

Is that because he has turned around on me and tried to make me feel guilty for not contacting him? Disregarded my needs?

OP posts:
Original poster
aroundandaroundagain · 26/11/2019 20:53

Autocorrect is awful sometimes. I'm sure its understood what I meant to say

OP posts:
Original poster
aroundandaroundagain · 26/11/2019 20:57

Oh shit realisation moment. When I saw him today he knew something was up with me straight away and said "if you've got something on your mind just say it" but it wasn't in a nice way at all but a bit defensive. He's a very macho guy and I didn't think anything of it at the time

OP posts:
Gallivespian · 26/11/2019 21:00

God forbid you have any feelings about Macho Garage Man other than total delight, right?

He sounds like he has all the charm of a caveman.

Elieza · 26/11/2019 23:18

Thank guck you are getting away from him. There are some people you wonder why they are single. He so t one of em. He’s an ass. Good for you op. You deserve better. Flowers

Elieza · 26/11/2019 23:18

So ain’t

Fucking spellcheck?!

Stillsexystillsingle · 27/11/2019 06:00

Yes exactly @aroundandaroundagain he's just standing back and waiting for you to give him what he wants which is attention. He just said it to you again 'if you've got something you want to say just say it'. This is all about his own narcissistic amusement. This isn't a man that's beginning to or is even interested in falling in love with you. And you say you're already feeling like when you don't give him what he wants he tries to punish you. This cycle will only intensify. Don't fall into his trap!

NightsOfCabiria · 27/11/2019 07:29

His true colours are showing because you’ve asserted yourself. Run.

Original poster
aroundandaroundagain · 27/11/2019 08:27

Well after deciding to end this and not see him any further, he turns up at my house with no warning. My children were sleeping.

I'm finding this quite weird now he tells me:

"I knew you were going to say that earlier about the communication because I was thinking exactly the same. You actually took the words out of my mouth. I was just waiting for the go ahead and when I got it I was thinking yes. I thought I'd come and see you now as you're busy at the weekend"

I'm not a very assertive person. I find it quite difficult with narc types as they are so overpowering so didn't tell.him to leave or anything. He went after an hour anyway but now im left confused this morning about it all.

OP posts:
Gallivespian · 27/11/2019 08:33

God, it’s all on his terms, isn’t it? He’s just trying to keep you hanging on by giving you some crumbs of attention, and telling you he was only waiting for your say-so!

And I would really not be crazy about a very new man I’ve only been on a few dates with showing up at my house at night without warning. Whether or not you’re ‘assertive’, you need to end this. He sounds awful. And don’t answer the door to him again at night.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 27/11/2019 08:35

I don't think that's confusion. That's you feeling uncomfortable. I would have been the same in the past, caught off-guard like that. I needed preparation to be assertive back then!

knew you were going to say that earlier about the communication because I was thinking exactly the same. You actually took the words out of my mouth.

Does this seem a little unbelievable to you? He's trying to sell himself as your soul mate, but it's all lies and smoke and mirrors. Hmm

You will have to tell him to stop bothering you. Probably by text, saying don't visit me, I don't want to keep seeing you. Others will be better at helping you word it than me.

But he's likely not to accept it without a fight because your opinions are worth that little to him! We'll support you every step of the way to get this man out of your life, though.

Zaphodsotherhead · 27/11/2019 08:41

That's not 'weird', it's 'creepy'.

What if your children hadn't been asleep? What if one had been up ill? He didn't even have the courtesy to phone you first to check you were up for a 'visit'? Why does this man even know where you live?

It shows a shocking lack of boundaries on his part to assume he'd be welcome to turn up at your house. That won't be the only lack of boundaries he shows, I wouldn't think.

He's echoing your words to try to make you think that you are on the same wavelength. So, where was he on your birthday? When you got your degree?

Block, delete and get yourself some counselling. You can find a nice, gentle man who will be happy to chat to you whenever, but it ain't this bugger.