DP delaying wedding WWYD

[Angelrocket]

I’ve NC for this, as well as changed a few minor details so it’s less outing.

I’ve been with my DP for 7 years, we have a 3 year old DD, a 1 year old DS, and an 11 year old DSS. We jointly own a mortgaged house together, DSS stays EOW. DP and I are both employed, and work full-time. Both of the little children are in nursery full-time, which takes up a substantial amount of our monthly wage.

DP was previously married; he met, married, and was divorced from exDW in the space of 3 years, as well as having their DS, who was born just after they divorced. I met DP when DSS was 4 and I was not OW.

When we met, DP insisted that he wanted to get married again, and have more children. We got engaged after 3 years together, then started trying for a baby immediately, however instead of it taking a year or so (I was mid 30’s at the time), I got pregnant straight away.

We couldn’t get married immediately because DP had some immigration issues which he wanted to resolve before getting married again, which I agreed to. These issues were resolved earlier this year.

Originally I wanted to get married in church, as I am religious. DP said he didn’t want a church ceremony because it would cost too much. I have suggested a registry office ceremony instead followed by a celebration meal, which includes our little family and close relatives on both sides, so it would be quite a small wedding (in total 30 people).

We currently have about £12k in the bank. DP has now said that we can’t get married until we have at least £20k in the bank (this is not for spending on a wedding, this is just to have in the bank), on top of what we would spend on a wedding. I have worked out a total wedding budget of £3k taking on board his feedback.

I had wanted to get married in Spring 2019 as the immigration issues are cleared, then when that didn’t happen Spring 2020, however he is now saying not to think about a wedding until the money is in the bank as outlined above. I feel like I’ve been led up the garden path, as well as being resentful of him putting these conditions in place, and angry with myself for being so trusting.

Each time one condition is met, it seems he puts another one in its place. He doesn’t seem excited about getting married, or show any signs of eagerness to get married (e.g. he hasn’t applied for a copy of his divorce certificate despite knowing we’d need to take it to the registrar).

What would you do if you were me in this situation, and how would you go about it?

Listen to him OP. He's very clearly stating he doesn't want to marry you with his actions. The 20k in the bank thing is a load of bollocks. I'd tell him to bugger off. Any ultimatum will now seem like you pushed him into it so will be hollow. He has lead you up with garden path.

Led not lead

First excuse was immigration , then money . Has he actually divorced his first wife ?

I hate to be cynical, but it seems like his desire to marry you has evaporated as his immigration issues have been solved.

I really do think if he wanted to be married to you, With the legal protections this brings, then a £150 ceremony would do the job if he is concerned about money.

I think he is concerned about protecting his single status.

I would personally make the most of being single, sock away any cash you can having ensured £6k min is stashed in a isa in your name (now and April 2020) and make the most of your legal single status.

I would absolutely ensure he does his part of parenting while you get your career in the best possible shape.

I would also ensure your social life is decent as you need your network of friends.

I’m not saying leave him, but as you are a single lady, you need to ensure your position is as strong as it can be.

Thank you @ExcitedForFuture. How would you go about extricating yourself and your children from this situation if you were me?

While I do want to marry him, I'm completely realistic about the fact that I categorically do not want to marry someone who puts conditions on doing so, IYSWIM.

First thing I'd do is make sure 6k isn't accessible to him. Then plan either to be with him but not get married, or break up.

@AnneKipanki I'm pretty sure they are divorced, although I haven't seen a final certificate. Do you know of a way I can check this?

His exDW moved back in with her parents after their divorce and changed back to using her maiden name (she had been using his married name). He was told she was pregnant a couple of months before the birth of their DS by her solicitor (I have seen these papers so I know this is true).

OP, how is the rest of your relationship? If it’s good and it’s only the getting married part that’s an issue, is it because he doesn’t see any value in having a marriage certificate having been through it once already?

In your shoes I wouldn’t issue an ultimatum, would try to understand if he’s committed to the relationship but has an issue with marriage because of what he’s been through and in the meantime make clear that your expectation was that you would be married by now and you’re not prepared to wait to safeguard some practicalities and need to make some changes.

Do the children have his surname? If they do, I would start by changing that and making sure they have your name. Do you have wills? If not, I’d look into that too.

You can’t make someone marry you but you don’t need to adhere to outdated convention like your children having his name if he’s not prepared to commit legally.

@MaybeeMaybeeNot Thank you for your advice. My own position is strong. I have a good job, a supportive extended family, and good friends. The £12k savings is all in his account, but I'm not especially worried about that as I could save the same in about a year, especially if I didn't have him to worry about lol

To clarify, we have a joint account which we both pay into for bills, then we each have a personal account as well.

You're right - he does keep moving the goalposts.

First it was his immigration problem
then he didn't want a church wedding
then he wants 20k in the back when you've already got 12

seriously, plan to leave.

I would have thought that his immigration problem would have been solved by you being married, not made more problematic by you being married.

He doesn't want to marry you. He might also still be married.

Secure your share on the savings then put in your own clause .. I would like to be married by such and such time ..

Why does he get to move the bar all the time ?
Ask yourself if you want to be with him if he decides he does not want to get married ..

My last 2p .. I am pessimistic as life made me so ..

His immigration status has been resolved .. he does not need you to stay here any more 🤷🏻‍♀️ Kids or no kids you could have been just a back up plan ...

Make sure you are secure .. just read some posts on MN of how ppl have been sucker punched by their Spouses/partners ..

The £12k savings is all in his account,

You need to stop behaving as if you're married while you're not married. He doesn't get the benefit. I'd say, "doesn't look like it's happening soon so transfer 6k to me because we're not married and it's half mine". Yo have to start behaving like a partner, not a wife.

Who has 20k in the bank when they get married .

Just say look why do you want 20k in the bank? Is sounds more like you don’t want to marry me. Please explain it as I have ideas about the direction of my life which might not be compatible with yours.

He is still married.

And whilst he was planning to leave his first wife, he got her pregnant, or have I misread that. ?

Get all your ducks in a row, get your passports and your children's to a place of safety.

Someone will be along soon to tell you what else you need.

This man does not want to marry you.

I read your initial post, OP, and concluded that for some reason your DP seems to be really worried about money. I didn't see the forever putting off aspect the other PPs did. However, I see they have a point.

I'd still advise you have a chat with him about finances and how he feels about them, because it does look like it's a bit of a worry for him.

If you're then not satisfied, accept he just doesn't want to get married, then make your decisions based on that new information.

Thanks @MrsTerryPratchett. The £12k is all in his account, so I can't access it. I'm not especially worried about this as I can save the same in a relatively short space of time.

I am feeling so sad about having supported him through the immigration issues, then having had the children, and now being told there is a new condition before getting married.

Before we got together I had been single for 5 years, and if he'd have told me then that he wasn't interested in marrying again, I would have said fine and moved on. I feel like he told me what I wanted to hear, and now I'm invested in him and life it's all off. If I save up the £11k to cover wedding costs and extra in the bank, I'm wondering what's coming next???

What’s coming next is is another excuse.

He doesn’t want to marry you. Do you want to stay with him or leave?

The £12k is all in his account, so I can't access it. I'm not especially worried about this as I can save the same in a relatively short space of time.

I can pretty much guarantee you will care if he leaves you high and dry. And that's not the point anyway. The point of asking him for your share is to point out to him that if you aren't married, he doesn't get the benefit of marriage, one aspect of which is merged finances and trust.

Your update about the £12K all being in his account raises big red flags. Does he want the whole £20K to be in his account? Do NOT do this! I'm not sure why you're so blasé about potentially losing half the £12K. Maybe you could save it up again quickly, but why should you? I assume you've been contributing to this balance so you should not be deprived of it. Tell him until you're married you want more financial security so either the £12K needs to be transferred to a joint account, or he needs to transfer half to your personal account.

STOP feathering his nest with savings! Honestly, that's just stupid. He doesn't want to marry you and may be married to his ex still, which will REALLY land you in the shit if he drops dead. I'd stop sharing money with him to the point at which he can siphon off any for his personal savings and tell him, 'Can't do that anymore as we are not married and it's not financially sound for me.'

You need to find out if he's still married, because it sounds like he might be hence these immigration issues.

Then two choices: you stay with him and accept he will never marry you or walk. Because he won't marry you.

I'm sorry OP but, each time there is a new reason why you cannot be married to each other.
I would then put him on the spot and agree he is correct, so you should split the 12k and continue as life partners with no marriage.
See what his reaction is. That will tell you all you need to know.
Oh, and even though you don't NEED 6k...but take it anyway.
Get to a solicitor for advice on extricating yourself from any mortgage etc you have with this man. Please don't be 'nice' about this.
Be cynical, listen to any impartial legal advice given and then, speak to family about how you will make it happen.

Listen to MrsTerry! If she jointly saved it then it’s bafflingly daft to be so casual avoid losing and saying you’ll just replace it.

I am sorry I cannot answer your question .
DO NOT put any more money in his account . Only put what you need to at the moment into the joint .

This does not look great . A simple registry office marriage is what he says he wants now and that will not cost much .

You have a joint mortgage..did you put forward most of the deposit ?

He told you what you wanted to hear .