DP delaying wedding WWYD

[Angelrocket]

I’ve NC for this, as well as changed a few minor details so it’s less outing.

I’ve been with my DP for 7 years, we have a 3 year old DD, a 1 year old DS, and an 11 year old DSS. We jointly own a mortgaged house together, DSS stays EOW. DP and I are both employed, and work full-time. Both of the little children are in nursery full-time, which takes up a substantial amount of our monthly wage.

DP was previously married; he met, married, and was divorced from exDW in the space of 3 years, as well as having their DS, who was born just after they divorced. I met DP when DSS was 4 and I was not OW.

When we met, DP insisted that he wanted to get married again, and have more children. We got engaged after 3 years together, then started trying for a baby immediately, however instead of it taking a year or so (I was mid 30’s at the time), I got pregnant straight away.

We couldn’t get married immediately because DP had some immigration issues which he wanted to resolve before getting married again, which I agreed to. These issues were resolved earlier this year.

Originally I wanted to get married in church, as I am religious. DP said he didn’t want a church ceremony because it would cost too much. I have suggested a registry office ceremony instead followed by a celebration meal, which includes our little family and close relatives on both sides, so it would be quite a small wedding (in total 30 people).

We currently have about £12k in the bank. DP has now said that we can’t get married until we have at least £20k in the bank (this is not for spending on a wedding, this is just to have in the bank), on top of what we would spend on a wedding. I have worked out a total wedding budget of £3k taking on board his feedback.

I had wanted to get married in Spring 2019 as the immigration issues are cleared, then when that didn’t happen Spring 2020, however he is now saying not to think about a wedding until the money is in the bank as outlined above. I feel like I’ve been led up the garden path, as well as being resentful of him putting these conditions in place, and angry with myself for being so trusting.

Each time one condition is met, it seems he puts another one in its place. He doesn’t seem excited about getting married, or show any signs of eagerness to get married (e.g. he hasn’t applied for a copy of his divorce certificate despite knowing we’d need to take it to the registrar).

What would you do if you were me in this situation, and how would you go about it?

You're happy never to go on holiday again, then? And not to have a church wedding even though you're religious enough to.attend church today?

OP, I've read your thread and I think your most recent update is sensible.

Ppl trying to suggest he requires therapy due to his cultural background and upbringing are taking a bit of a leap IMO.

I'm sure there are some things about British culture that ppl could say are not up to par and suggest therapy.

I can somewhat relate to your situation. My DH is a saver. I often think he should spend more, but when he was made redundant some years ago I didn't panic...because he could continue paying the mortgage and all the bills he paid for another 5 years plus if he didn't get a job.

I feel financially safe that way.

Like your DP, he
would easily not buy a gift for a wedding or birthday invite.
I'm not raised that way. I find it mean.

I sometimes think my DH has fear of poverty the way he saves.

He's far too sensible with money and his tightness is noticed by friends and family too.

Where things differ is we do go on holiday regularly and he likes the good things in life.

Our attitude towards money is one of our main differences, but I have learned to be better with money as a result of being with him.

Holidays are not even a thought in many cultures. That in itself doesn't make someone a joyless prick as a pp so eloquently put it.

I'm from a minority ethnic background, but was born in the UK and through my work and training have a good understanding of culture and diversity.

It's easy for ppl without much knowledge to be dismissive, as a few on the thread have been.

Personally, I think it will be interesting to see what is response is when you talk to him. When BIL re-married, he had to show his decree absolute to prove he was free to marry. Because I suspect the sudden requirement for £20 000 in the bank may well be a delaying tactic to put off the moment when he has to admit that he isn't actually divorced.

I'm sure we'll go on holidays once we've built up a decent savings pot @Slumberly.

I think DP's worry about wasting money on holidays is probably valid when we don't have a huge amount behind us, but not valid if we have the financial security to support spending say £4k for the 5 of us to go abroad somewhere nice next year.

A church wedding isn't a dealbreaker for me. I've always known DP is not particularly religious, he's never hidden it, so a registry office ceremony is a reasonable compromise, if we go ahead with getting married.

Thank you @SandyY2K. DP and I are from the same cultural background, so I know exactly why he approaches some things in a particular way. The only difference between us is that he was born and brought up in our ancestral country, and I was born and brought up in the UK, so I am somewhat more westernised than he is. I mentioned the cultural aspects to try and explain to pp who I understand are mostly women in the western world for context.

I think therapy would be beneficial for him because of his young boarding school experience. From the little he's told me, he found it tough leaving home at age 6.

I think therapy would be beneficial for me because talking through some things that I have in my mind could be helpful.

@bananasandwicheseveryday I agree, his response will tell me everything I need to know.

I hope it goes well

My DH wanted to be married without having to do a "wedding" caused a lot of unnecessary heartache.

If you take away the discontent over not being married already..would you consider the relationship positive? Some divorced people dont value marriage as they may feel its doomed to fail having experienced that once. Is it really so important that you would stake the relationship on doing something that only one of you wants?

Thank you @RandomMess.

We have a very positive relationship @cocodomingo. Even though DP is divorced, he says he enjoyed being married (when it was going well I presume), and so hasn't sworn off it simply because his first marriage didn't work out.

I have read your thread again.

I still think you should check if he is actually divorced.
The "goalposts " ...his ability to save is not all that great if it was bonus money.

I am not sure what you are actually getting out of this relationship. It sounds like you could provide all the love and money that your family need all by yourself.
Good luck.

I think therapy would be beneficial for me because talking through some things that I have in my mind could be helpful

I agree. Its very helpful. The nature of the issues may determine what type of counsellor you chose.

Such as exploring the past and how it's affecting you now...probably a psychodynamic counsellor.

With your DP, you probably know that it's taken a lot of time for some BME groups to even engage with therapy.

Therapy is a western world thing and in my experience, some ppl don't want to talk to a stranger about their personal problems.

In some cases, ppl are actually scared to have therapy, because it can be difficult and emotional....not everyone wants to delve into those feelings, although it's beneficial.

I totally understand what you mean about your viewpoint from being raised in the UK.
I remember telling someone from my country of origin I was going on holiday with my family and she was suprised I was going to a country where I didn't know anyone in her words "just for a holiday, just to enjoy yourself"

@SandyY2K

Holidays are not even a thought in many cultures. That in itself doesn't make someone a joyless prick as a pp so eloquently put it. I'm from a minority ethnic background, but was born in the UK and through my work and training have a good understanding of culture and diversity. It's easy for ppl without much knowledge to be dismissive, as a few on the thread have been.

You make a lot of assumptions. I'm also from a minority ethnic background & although I was born in the UK, my family don't consider themselves British.

I think it's bollocks to blame his horrible, joyless, miserable attitude to life on his cultural background. I don't know of any cultures that reject all ideas of gift-giving or celebration - if anything, these events are generally bigger and more fancy in non-British cultures.

Your situation is not comparable because, even though you say your partner is tight with money, you still go on holiday together and have a lovely time. The OP doesn't.

He is a joyless prick who made their holiday miserable and it has nothing to do with his cultural background. It's just pure mean-spiritedness. Even if he is so mean as to disapprove of spending the money, what is the point in ruining everyone's holiday - including your own children - once it has been spent?

OP, to be honest you sound like you are so desperate to be with him that you will put up with any old crap for the sake of it. It seems like you are doing all of the compromising. You don't need a huge amount of money saved to go on holiday, and it doesn't have to cost £4k for a family to have a break - even short breaks in the UK can be great if everyone takes a positive attitude. It's not the meanness with money, it's the endless negativity, closed-off attitude and coldness that I couldn't stand.

SandyK. Of course its best not to insult a poster's other half - we don't know them and they may be genuine and nice people, even if hard to live with, for example.

However, most cultures as far as I'm aware have festivities outside ordinary time. The origin of the word "holiday" is "holy day", and as far as I'm aware nearly all cultures from around the world have festivities and celebrations. It might not include the two week break in Blackpool that the factory workers in 20th UK century needed. But I would argue in some ways its more needed in this country because people often work so hard, away from the seasons and nature's rhythms, whether they are relgious or not. I digress but I felt I had to pick up on that.

cross posted with Slumber.

And ... going on holiday for its own sake just to gawp at a bunch of strangers can be pointless yes. But it depends. Some people use it to get in touch with nature, other cultures, spend time with family, retreat from demands of everyday life, etc. I've had a couple of great holidays for under £250! Camping admittedly! Like Slumber, not understanding where OP is coming from that she seems to be saying she has to save hundreds and thousands.

How can you say you have a positive relationship when he hasn’t spoken to you for the past week?

@SandyY2K DP's reluctance to go for counselling/therapy is definitely cultural. I'm hoping he will see how I get on, then realise it's a positive thing to do, despite the cost.

@Slumberly If you read through my earlier posts, I did say we all enjoyed the holiday we went on, it was brilliant. It was only afterwards he said he didn't want to go in the first place.

@AutumnConker In the country DP grew up in, people don't really exchange gifts at Christmas, it's more a time to spend with family and friends. Holidays are also only now becoming more popular there, it's a completely different approach to how people view holidays in the UK.

@AnneKipanki I've been wallowing in sadness for the last week, since I first heard about this savings pot, and have now picked myself up to take action to move forward one way or another. This will be the second conversation DP and I would have had about setting a wedding date. If you think that makes me appear desperate, then that's your opinion. I don't think it does.

Next time we go on holiday (and I'm pretty sure there will be a next time, despite this snapshot of our lives), I'd like to go abroad and stay in a house, rather than a hotel. Flights for 2 adults and 3 children between 2 -16 will likely cost £2k, then accommodation and food for 1-2weeks will probably be another £2k. I'm relaxed about not going on holiday for another year if it means by that time we have £30k of savings in the bank.

@Epona1 I haven't spoken to him either, other than about the children and logistics. This was a serious discussion for us, and I think we have both been processing it separately, internally.

We've never not spoken like this before, however I think we are both now ready to have a conversation about it.

I'm sure neither of us will hold this past week against the other, and I maintain that we have a positive relationship, because it is generally a positive relationship.

I did not say you were desperate.

Can I say when you discuss the marriage , you do discuss the important things in life finance, lesuire time , difference in gift giving and the feeling you get but how it feels when he reacts to you buying gifts .

Make sure he understands you.

I wasn't talking just about Christmas and I didn't mention gifts. As I said, celebrations and festivities generally.

My apologies @AnneKipanki, I confused you with @Slumberly.

@Slumberly This was in response to your earlier post:

I've been wallowing in sadness for the last week, since I first heard about this savings pot, and have now picked myself up to take action to move forward one way or another. This will be the second conversation DP and I would have had about setting a wedding date. If you think that makes me appear desperate, then that's your opinion. I don't think it does.

My apologies to you too @AutumnConker, I confused this post of @Slumberly with you.

I think it's bollocks to blame his horrible, joyless, miserable attitude to life on his cultural background. I don't know of any cultures that reject all ideas of gift-giving or celebration - if anything, these events are generally bigger and more fancy in non-British cultures.

I was responding to that. Our culture when not in the UK don't go all out on gift giving. I'm not going to name it, but it is a country in the developing world.

I hope it works out for you .

@Slumberly

The OP never said he has a joyless, miserable attitude to life. That's your assumption.

I'm saying holidays alone, don't make someone a joyless prick.

In my culture, we don't have guests paying for drinks at a wedding.

I wouldn't say a British couple who do are mean...but you could be considered tight if you did that in my culture.

Guests would be pissed off. It's only now as second and third generations are born here, that they adopt elements of British culture including a BYOD (buy your own drinks) policy.

However, most cultures as far as I'm aware have festivities outside ordinary time.
Festivities are not holidays though...and like most things it does depend on the importance of these things to you.

I've had a couple of great holidays for under £250! Camping admittedly
This wouldn't be for everyone though. I'd rather stay home than camp, as I like a bit of luxury on my holidays.

I watch rich kids, skint holiday and seeing the holidays the family go on would make me depressed.

Renting a patch of grass and setting up a tent is not my idea of fun. Even in the UK, you need to spend more to go on a better holiday.. Glamping, rather than camping would cost around what the OP said.