DP delaying wedding WWYD

[Angelrocket]

I’ve NC for this, as well as changed a few minor details so it’s less outing.

I’ve been with my DP for 7 years, we have a 3 year old DD, a 1 year old DS, and an 11 year old DSS. We jointly own a mortgaged house together, DSS stays EOW. DP and I are both employed, and work full-time. Both of the little children are in nursery full-time, which takes up a substantial amount of our monthly wage.

DP was previously married; he met, married, and was divorced from exDW in the space of 3 years, as well as having their DS, who was born just after they divorced. I met DP when DSS was 4 and I was not OW.

When we met, DP insisted that he wanted to get married again, and have more children. We got engaged after 3 years together, then started trying for a baby immediately, however instead of it taking a year or so (I was mid 30’s at the time), I got pregnant straight away.

We couldn’t get married immediately because DP had some immigration issues which he wanted to resolve before getting married again, which I agreed to. These issues were resolved earlier this year.

Originally I wanted to get married in church, as I am religious. DP said he didn’t want a church ceremony because it would cost too much. I have suggested a registry office ceremony instead followed by a celebration meal, which includes our little family and close relatives on both sides, so it would be quite a small wedding (in total 30 people).

We currently have about £12k in the bank. DP has now said that we can’t get married until we have at least £20k in the bank (this is not for spending on a wedding, this is just to have in the bank), on top of what we would spend on a wedding. I have worked out a total wedding budget of £3k taking on board his feedback.

I had wanted to get married in Spring 2019 as the immigration issues are cleared, then when that didn’t happen Spring 2020, however he is now saying not to think about a wedding until the money is in the bank as outlined above. I feel like I’ve been led up the garden path, as well as being resentful of him putting these conditions in place, and angry with myself for being so trusting.

Each time one condition is met, it seems he puts another one in its place. He doesn’t seem excited about getting married, or show any signs of eagerness to get married (e.g. he hasn’t applied for a copy of his divorce certificate despite knowing we’d need to take it to the registrar).

What would you do if you were me in this situation, and how would you go about it?

Thanks @MrsTerryPratchett I will have to think about how to explain all of this to him, as at the moment I am really quite unhappy with the situation.

@TheRobinIsBobbingAlong No he hasn't said he wants the whole £20k in his account, he just wants to know that we have it saved. I'm sure he'd have no problem with me having it in my account. My point is that I don't see why I should have to save it to satisfy some thought of his before getting married.

And no, I haven't contributed a penny towards the £12k that's currently in his account.

I assume half that money would be yours were you married. But it's not. Because you aren't.

So save your own money. Start now.

Your boyfriend doesn't want to marry you personally and is protecting his savings from you.

If you get the 20K in your boyfriends account he will put more obstacles in your way and still not marry you. What more proof do you need that he doesn't want the commitment of marriage to you?

@dontalltalkatonce I'm not feathering his nest with savings, and don't plan to either. The current £12k was a work bonus paid directly to him.

The joint account we pay money into is for bills, and he couldn't siphon off any of that without me knowing as I sort out all the house stuff through that account.

The immigration issues are fully resolved, and there are no restrictions on him being in the country (I have seen his passport which confirms this).

I am now coming to the conclusion that I either accept the situation as it is, or leave.

I can't help thinking that as soon as he has £20k he'll bugger off with a nice little nest egg ☹️
I certainly wouldn't trust someone who seems this evasive and I think you need to start separating your life/savings from him and be prepared to leave.

@MrHaroldFry Given the way he is with money, I don't think he would transfer half to me, though I need to think about how to pitch it to him, seeing as we are not getting married.

@AnneLovesGilbert I didn't jointly save the £12k, it was paid to him as a work bonus. I didn't contribute to the savings.

@AnneKipanki I don't put any money into his account, only into the joint account for bills.

He put up 70% of the house deposit, which wiped out almost all his savings.

Do you pay the children’s nursery fees and he pays the mortgage ? Or are they both paid out of the joint account to which you both contribute?

@fit4more He hadn't asked me to transfer any money to him, he says he wants us to have money in the bank before we get married so he knows we are financially secure. That's as much as I've been able to get out of him on this subject so far.

@AnyFucker No, I am not jointly saving into his account, he was given a bonus from work. Any savings I make will be in my own account. We have a joint account for bills only.

He just needs to be honest. I’d not marry either if the majority of the house deposit and savings were mine alone and would advise my children the same. I’d hold off until a far more equal financial footing was in place.

I’d have not hadn’t children though as now they are involved in this and stand to lose their family life as they know it because of adult wants.

@Annasgirl I'm starting to think that. As the immigration issues were holding up getting married initially, I naively thought he'd stick to his side of the bargain i.e. once resolved, we'd get married. This new £20k in the bank thing has floored me.

He got a 12k bonus and didn't buy you a ring
Really this is all you need to know

@dontalltalkatonce I am angry at myself, extremely. I'd never wanted to have children before getting married, however due to wanting to resolve the immigration issues first, we agreed it would happen immediately after (due to our ages we couldn't wait too long to start TTC).

A hard lesson learned for me!

Is his 'ex wife' a british citizen and he isn't? If so I doubt many people would rock the boat by divorcing in middle trying to get immigration issues sorted as it doesn't help. So chances are he is still married and that's the reason for the delaying of your marriage. I'd ring up local registry office and ask how you can get hold of a copy of divorce certificate (I've no idea who holds them but they will direct you I'm sure).

I'd start quietly saving hard, ensuring he pays his way ('no I will save the next £12k in my account so we are equal') and start to plan out your future...

Thanks @Sotoes I'm pretty sure I know what his response to that one will be!

First thing I'd do is simply apply to change the children's names so that your name is added as a double barrel or a last middle name. If he won't agree, say his choice is do that, or you leave him (with his tight tendencies but his far smaller income) and you'll take it to court and get permission anyway.

I dont think this will go the distance. I'm not even sure I'd want to get married actually - you're the higher earner, all you'd be doing is giving him access to your money!

The names are a useful thing to sort though. Do it now, if you split you'll be left with a differnet name to your children. Or actually if you like their surname, just change yours to that - you could be the XXX family and cut him out of it!

I'm pretty sure I know what his response to that one will be!

Then definitely don't marry him and almost definitely make plans to be without him.

Angelrocket

What divorce records in the UK are public? Whilst divorce files can contain petitions, certificates and copies of the decrees nisi and absolute, only the decree absolute is public

But that is all you need.

Not quite sure what department you would need.

@Musti He paid 70% of the mortgage deposit. I have also paid circa £20k for house renovations since.

However, due to the income disparity (I earn double what he does), I pay two thirds of the house bills and childcare, and have done for the past 3 years. So for every £1,000 he puts in the joint account, I pay in £2,000. The extra I've paid over the years far exceeds the extra deposit he paid.

We have a cleaner once a week, but otherwise I keep the house tidy. We share childcare, though I do all appointments etc

@dontalltalkatonce I thought he had integrity and would stick to his word. More fool me.

You say you could save money easily, ...he wants you to finance 20k or more into his account and then I'd put money on him and the money disappearing.

His reasoning about finance doesn’t even make sense. You earn double what he does & day you could save the 12k in a year without much hassle. If he’s so stressed about money why wouldn’t he marry you? I mean you earn more and pay more - surely he’d want the security of being marred to a woman earning twice what he does