DP delaying wedding WWYD

[Angelrocket]

I’ve NC for this, as well as changed a few minor details so it’s less outing.

I’ve been with my DP for 7 years, we have a 3 year old DD, a 1 year old DS, and an 11 year old DSS. We jointly own a mortgaged house together, DSS stays EOW. DP and I are both employed, and work full-time. Both of the little children are in nursery full-time, which takes up a substantial amount of our monthly wage.

DP was previously married; he met, married, and was divorced from exDW in the space of 3 years, as well as having their DS, who was born just after they divorced. I met DP when DSS was 4 and I was not OW.

When we met, DP insisted that he wanted to get married again, and have more children. We got engaged after 3 years together, then started trying for a baby immediately, however instead of it taking a year or so (I was mid 30’s at the time), I got pregnant straight away.

We couldn’t get married immediately because DP had some immigration issues which he wanted to resolve before getting married again, which I agreed to. These issues were resolved earlier this year.

Originally I wanted to get married in church, as I am religious. DP said he didn’t want a church ceremony because it would cost too much. I have suggested a registry office ceremony instead followed by a celebration meal, which includes our little family and close relatives on both sides, so it would be quite a small wedding (in total 30 people).

We currently have about £12k in the bank. DP has now said that we can’t get married until we have at least £20k in the bank (this is not for spending on a wedding, this is just to have in the bank), on top of what we would spend on a wedding. I have worked out a total wedding budget of £3k taking on board his feedback.

I had wanted to get married in Spring 2019 as the immigration issues are cleared, then when that didn’t happen Spring 2020, however he is now saying not to think about a wedding until the money is in the bank as outlined above. I feel like I’ve been led up the garden path, as well as being resentful of him putting these conditions in place, and angry with myself for being so trusting.

Each time one condition is met, it seems he puts another one in its place. He doesn’t seem excited about getting married, or show any signs of eagerness to get married (e.g. he hasn’t applied for a copy of his divorce certificate despite knowing we’d need to take it to the registrar).

What would you do if you were me in this situation, and how would you go about it?

@7yo7yo I'm not desperate to get married at all. I brought this issue to Mumsnet as I thought maybe it was me who was placing too much emphasis on wanting to get married to the plan that DP and I had initially agreed on all those years ago.

The last few days I've started wondering if other men have suggested having money in a savings account before getting married, and if so what other women in my situation would do.

I've certainly got no intention of hanging on for marriage like a limpet, particularly as I can support myself and the children fine without him. He told me this £20k savings in the bank thing last weekend while I was talking about booking a registry office, so it's all quite fresh.

Ok, thanks. I did misunderstand it

If you earn a high wage, could easily save £12k in a year, and he got a £12k (net) bonus so must also earn a pretty decent wage, how come you have no savings now? How come the £12k is the only savings he has?

Start setting aside that £1k pm for yourself.

I'm not sure he's trying to scan you, I mean, if he was, he'd get married. The fact he paid 70% of the house deposit, and has savings when you have none, means that financially, you would do better from marriage than he would. So he probably wants to see you show some financial commitment.

But it's also possible that he is still married. I agree with a pp, highly unusual for a divorce to be granted when the wife is pregnant.

Thanks @dontalltalkatonce I'm going to research into that as I've genuinely believed him to be divorced, but if he's still married as some of you have suggested, clearly that would be a big impediment to him getting married again!

@dontalltalkatonce I didn't know it was unusual for a divorce to be granted if the lady is pregnant. Is it possible they got the decree nisi before baby, and decree absolute after? I don't really know how it works, but going to look into it.

Thanks @Shoxfordian, I appreciate your honesty.

@MrsTerryPratchett Thank you for the advice. I'm going to save money, but only ever in my own account.

@Suebnm This has all happened very recently (last weekend in fact), so I am still reflecting on the situation.

@Strawberrycreamsundae Thanks for your candour.

@KristinaM We pay all the bills, mortgage, nursery fees, council tax, electric, gas, insurance etc from the joint account.

That’s good, I was worried about that .

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss That's an interesting perspective. Although he put in the majority of the house deposit, and put his work bonus in his own savings account, I contribute 2 times what he does to the joint pot on a monthly basis and have done for at least the last 3 years. I'd say we were on more than an equal financial footing now.

In any case, the arrangement we had was that we'd get married once the immigration issues were resolved, and they have been. No monetary conditions were mentioned until last weekend.

@Shoxfordian I do have a ring actually. I've had it for 4 years! I no longer wear it as I got sick of people constantly asking me when we were getting married! (I'd probably ask someone who was wearing an engagement ring the same question when making conversation).

Did you buy the ring yourself ? You might as well have done.

@happytoday73 Thank you for the advice, I'm going to ring them on Monday and start looking into this a lot deeper.

I think you really need to find out if he is still married. He has already shown you he doesn't have integrity. But if you find out he is still married it can have some serious fallout if he dies suddenly. I'd walk if I found out he's still married.

At any rate, you need to make a will.

Thanks @FizzyGreenWater I feel so sad thinking about splitting, but it feels like I've been left with no choice but to do so.

Sorry but my ex did this to me. He doesn’t want to marry you. Knowing how much you wanted to get married, he should’ve been fair and honest about this especially as you have a child.
My ex was the one who raised marriage and said he wanted to get married. I was strung along for years with called off engagements, after setting the date and choosing the venue. I was absolutely humiliated.
When our son was born, we were still ‘engaged ‘ and he said the baby had to take his name, which I really didn’t want until we were married. He said we’d set another date in a couple of months and caught me at a very vulnerable time. I agreed and of course, we never got married.
If he truly loved me and wanted to spend his life with me, we’d be married. It’s the same for you.
You are better off leaving him and finding happiness with someone who genuinely wants you, not someone who considers you convenient to them.

Thank you @NaomiFromMilkShake I'm going to ring our local registry office on Monday to ask about how you get a confirmation of a decree absolute (how ironic, last week I was ringing them to book a wedding date!).

@starfishmummy He's never asked me to put the money into his account, and I wouldn't do that anyway. Any savings I make will go into my own account.

I don't know @Kit19 I'm just relaying what he told me, and trying to make sense of it somehow.

Thank you @AnyFucker.

I really wouldn’t get married , by all means stay if you want to but I wouldn’t marry him . He’s already shown you he views marriage as a monetary transaction .
You can find out if he is married still and I really hope he hasn’t lied to you

He sounds like you are being controlled, think very carefully before marrying him.

Aha.

Right let's read between the lines.

I think he is a bit of a user, yes. Not a complete cocklodger - he's paid money in - but the facts of it are that right now, you've paid more proportionally and will continue to do so, one of the children you're jointly supporting is his not yours, you are the higher earner and are putting in more of the money but when his bonus comes, that goes into a savings account... in his name. And now he wants that topping up to £20k? And he's gone cold on marriage now that he has settled status-?

I wouldn't marry this person. You don't need to, and in fact if he's a bit of a user you will eventually end up losing out and if you split, you can bet your arse he'd get more out of you than you out of him.

I'd say fine, let's save. I'll drop my payments into the joint account to 50-50, until 'we' have another 10k or so in savings. In my savings, that would be, of course

His response to that will tell you a few things.

But seriously. Everyone says on here about family finances being split proportionally to be fair. But that's only really fair if you're married. If you aren't, even as the higher earner then there is a real possibility that you may one day end up as resident parent to two with no support from him past, at best, 20% of whatever he earns, everythign else 50-50 despite you having three to house/feed not one.

So it makes sense to keep it separate.

Certainly don't allow another penny of your earnings to circulate around to ending up as savings in his sole name!