DP delaying wedding WWYD

[Angelrocket]

I’ve NC for this, as well as changed a few minor details so it’s less outing.

I’ve been with my DP for 7 years, we have a 3 year old DD, a 1 year old DS, and an 11 year old DSS. We jointly own a mortgaged house together, DSS stays EOW. DP and I are both employed, and work full-time. Both of the little children are in nursery full-time, which takes up a substantial amount of our monthly wage.

DP was previously married; he met, married, and was divorced from exDW in the space of 3 years, as well as having their DS, who was born just after they divorced. I met DP when DSS was 4 and I was not OW.

When we met, DP insisted that he wanted to get married again, and have more children. We got engaged after 3 years together, then started trying for a baby immediately, however instead of it taking a year or so (I was mid 30’s at the time), I got pregnant straight away.

We couldn’t get married immediately because DP had some immigration issues which he wanted to resolve before getting married again, which I agreed to. These issues were resolved earlier this year.

Originally I wanted to get married in church, as I am religious. DP said he didn’t want a church ceremony because it would cost too much. I have suggested a registry office ceremony instead followed by a celebration meal, which includes our little family and close relatives on both sides, so it would be quite a small wedding (in total 30 people).

We currently have about £12k in the bank. DP has now said that we can’t get married until we have at least £20k in the bank (this is not for spending on a wedding, this is just to have in the bank), on top of what we would spend on a wedding. I have worked out a total wedding budget of £3k taking on board his feedback.

I had wanted to get married in Spring 2019 as the immigration issues are cleared, then when that didn’t happen Spring 2020, however he is now saying not to think about a wedding until the money is in the bank as outlined above. I feel like I’ve been led up the garden path, as well as being resentful of him putting these conditions in place, and angry with myself for being so trusting.

Each time one condition is met, it seems he puts another one in its place. He doesn’t seem excited about getting married, or show any signs of eagerness to get married (e.g. he hasn’t applied for a copy of his divorce certificate despite knowing we’d need to take it to the registrar).

What would you do if you were me in this situation, and how would you go about it?

So he's super tight, possibly still married or visa issues, and not overly interested in getting married after promising to do so... what's the up side here?

@Interestedwoman I'm so sorry this has happened to you too, it's an absolutely awful feeling when you come to the realisation that your life will be taking a different path than the one you thought it would.

Other than this marriage issue he's good, and I'm still invested emotionally, however my feelings are shifting because of it, and I'm resenting him more each day.

I knew he was a "divorcee' when I met him, but he said he wanted to get married again in future. Like a fool, I trusted him, and believed his intentions were good.

@DontDribbleOnTheCarpet Thank you so much for that link, that is exactly what I'm going to do on Monday.

@Sleepyhead19 Thank you for sharing your story. Good luck with the birth, I wish you and your children all the best. I'm still reflecting on the goalposts being shifted last weekend, so not sure exactly what will happen in my situation yet.

Thanks @simonisnotme. I'm still taking in all the advice from everyone who has kindly posted here.

Thanks @abitwhiffy. At the time of finalising the immigration issues, he had over £15k in the bank and was earning £40k. Not those exact figures, but you get my drift.

I have seen his passport, which gives him freedom to live and work in the UK.

Op sounds like you invest more financially and emotionally into this relationship, as well as doing the wifework on top of this.

Thank you @JenniferM1989. He says he doesn't believe the registry office wedding that I have now planned and budgeted for instead of the original church wedding will cost £3k. He says that once you start planning these things the costs spiral out of control, we won't be able to pull back from it once we commit, and before we know it all the money (current £12k) will be gone.

All I know is that he's told me he's divorced (I haven't seen any kind of certificate), however I can't imagine his exDW is sitting waiting for him to divorce her after all these years.

@frazzledasarock He's definitely here legally, I have seen the relevant paperwork as well as his passport, which gives him the freedom to live and work in the UK.

At the time of finalising the immigration issues, he had over £15k in the bank and was earning £40k. Not those exact figures, but similar.

@CraftyYankee Oh he does have his good points, I wouldn't be with him otherwise. I only came to Mumsnet to get views on this marriage issue, so I hadn't thought to mention them.

We get on really well, and enjoy each other's company, which I think is important for relationship longevity. There's no-one I'd rather be around. He always says I'm the only person that he can trust, as he's wary by nature. He supports my career, which is at a high level, and always has done. He's good with our children and does his share of childcare, they adore him. He has a great relationship with DSS, despite only seeing him EOW. He takes his turn in cooking, and we rotate our lie-ins at the weekend so we both get some rest. He is a real family man, in that he gets on well with my family and friends (as I do with all of his), and actively seeks to spend more time with them.

It's good for me in some ways that he's very careful with money (we wouldn't have been able to buy the house without his share of the deposit), but I do think he goes too far with it sometimes.

There are definitely NO outstanding visa issues; I've seen the paperwork and his passport given full rights to life and work in the UK. It's the divorced bit I have no evidence of, as I trusted him at his word.

@yuiop I probably do. At this juncture, it's hard to conclude otherwise.

If he is still narrows to his ex then his half of the house could go to her if he died and could be taken into consideration if they aren’t divorced

Married not narrow

I am not 100 percent sure about this but if his indefinite leave to remain was based on his wife being a British citizen and him being married to her then then splitting up and getting divorced could have possibly prevented him from getting ILR especially if his visa was a spouse visa and not a work type visa

@Itsjustmee Does that apply even if we bought our house as joint tenants, and he has life insurance which is set up in trust for me to cover the mortgage? I know he has done this, as we set up our policies together.

His final visa application had nothing to do with the status of his exDW. I know this as I helped him complete the paperwork, and I have seen his passport which gives him full work and stay rights.

Following on from my post earlier:
There's so much in your posts showing you both have different attitudes to money.
I also have experience of this and I would find it hard to marry someone who freely spent money easily. (I'm not saying you do but you have said you don't have savings but earn a fortune).
If one person is careful/tight with money it will stress them out when others aren't.
When you speak positively about him your love for him radiates from the post.
If he is that good and he just wants to make sure you both have enough money then save money (in your own account) which you said won't take long and then see what happens. If he then doesn't want to get married then that's his final chance!
Also yes to checking he is divorced! I'm sure he is.
There are lots of people rushing to bad conclusions on this thread.
I wouldn't give up what you have based on the responses on here just yet.
But yes every woman should have her own savings anyway.

May I suggest you think about writing your Will to leave your share of the house in trust for your children, rather than to him. If anything happened to you it’s possible he could meet someone else and then leave the property to her, perhaps assuming she would do the honourable thing and leave it to the children...but she in turn could leave it to someone else

Thank you for your updated comment @Cuddling57, we definitely do have different attitudes to spending money. I'll be honest and admit I don't ever worry about money (even though I didn't grow up with wealth, my parents were nurses and the 5 of us lived in a 3 bed semi), whereas he is constantly going on about money. As a result of last weekend's conversation, we are going to have a minimalist Christmas as I won't be buying any gifts!

For now, I'm going to be checking his divorce status using the links pp have advised, and saving £1-2k per month if I really scrimp. If he's not willing to meet me halfway in 6 months, I'll have my answer.

Thanks @bionicnemonic. I'm definitely going to mention writing wills to him and see what he says. I doubt he'd do his own children out of their inheritance, but I suppose you never know.

OP, don’t bother with the registry; they won’t be able to help with confirming divorce.

You need to apply to the court (family division) for a copy of the decree absolute. Best to apply to your most local family court, with as many details as you can.

My mum found out she wasn’t “fully” divorced this way some years ago. She’d had the nisi but not the absolute.

May I suggest you think about writing your Will to leave your share of the house in trust for your children, rather than to him

She can't if it's owned as joint tenants (which she says it is), it automatically passes to him. Unless she changes the method of ownership to tenants in common.

If he is still narrows to his ex then his half of the house could go to her if he died and could be taken into consideration if they aren’t divorced

No, it automatically goes to the op if he dies as they own as joint tenants.

It's very easy to sever a joint tenancy and to hold as tenants in common.

Here is how . . . www.gov.uk/government/publications/form-a-restriction-application-to-enter-sev