DP delaying wedding WWYD

[Angelrocket]

I’ve NC for this, as well as changed a few minor details so it’s less outing.

I’ve been with my DP for 7 years, we have a 3 year old DD, a 1 year old DS, and an 11 year old DSS. We jointly own a mortgaged house together, DSS stays EOW. DP and I are both employed, and work full-time. Both of the little children are in nursery full-time, which takes up a substantial amount of our monthly wage.

DP was previously married; he met, married, and was divorced from exDW in the space of 3 years, as well as having their DS, who was born just after they divorced. I met DP when DSS was 4 and I was not OW.

When we met, DP insisted that he wanted to get married again, and have more children. We got engaged after 3 years together, then started trying for a baby immediately, however instead of it taking a year or so (I was mid 30’s at the time), I got pregnant straight away.

We couldn’t get married immediately because DP had some immigration issues which he wanted to resolve before getting married again, which I agreed to. These issues were resolved earlier this year.

Originally I wanted to get married in church, as I am religious. DP said he didn’t want a church ceremony because it would cost too much. I have suggested a registry office ceremony instead followed by a celebration meal, which includes our little family and close relatives on both sides, so it would be quite a small wedding (in total 30 people).

We currently have about £12k in the bank. DP has now said that we can’t get married until we have at least £20k in the bank (this is not for spending on a wedding, this is just to have in the bank), on top of what we would spend on a wedding. I have worked out a total wedding budget of £3k taking on board his feedback.

I had wanted to get married in Spring 2019 as the immigration issues are cleared, then when that didn’t happen Spring 2020, however he is now saying not to think about a wedding until the money is in the bank as outlined above. I feel like I’ve been led up the garden path, as well as being resentful of him putting these conditions in place, and angry with myself for being so trusting.

Each time one condition is met, it seems he puts another one in its place. He doesn’t seem excited about getting married, or show any signs of eagerness to get married (e.g. he hasn’t applied for a copy of his divorce certificate despite knowing we’d need to take it to the registrar).

What would you do if you were me in this situation, and how would you go about it?

@VanGoghsDog

I don't want to put too much on here, but in summary, we bought a house in London which needed renovating, and have a sizeable mortgage at £1.5k per month. We have 2 children in full time childcare in London, which costs over £2k per month, every month. We are also just coming to the end of a car loan; we had to borrow to buy a bigger car at the same time as all the other expenses to fit all three children (including DSS).

Now the car loan is finishing, I can save at least £1k per month by myself, if not slightly more, which I will start doing, into my own account.

Were you paying the car loan then ?

@AnyFucker No, I didn't buy the ring myself. I'm pretty relaxed, but that would have been a step too far even for me.

Sorry to keep chipping in like that.

I can see you are coming to some sort of realisation but are actually financially savvy. Keep it that way because I don't think this bloke is going to honour his promises.

Thanks @dontalltalkatonce This is what I am going to start investigating first thing on Monday. So many of the women here have suggested that he could still be married as a reason for delay, that I would be foolish not to try and confirm whether that is the case or not.

@Sleepyhead19 I'm so sorry that happened to you. May I ask how the end came about? As in did you walk away when you'd finally had enough of the delays, or did he eventually admit he didn't want to marry you?

Thank you @Wonkydonkey44

@SnowyRacoon I certainly don't feel like I'm being controlled. I'm just questioning the reason I've been given for delaying what is supposed to be a natural step in a committed relationship.

Sounds as if he likes the status quo just fine. I can’t believe his first thought on getting the 12k was to tell you you needed to save an additional 8! It should have been to agree to contribute 50/50 for a while or give you half the bonus.

Thanks @FizzyGreenWater. I've taken on board all the advice given here and will start saving into my own account.

@AnyFucker No worries, I put this out here so I'm fine to clarify.

I was planning to tell him to reduce his monthly contribution to bills when the car loan finishes and also to proportionally reduce mine. Except I won't now. I'll quietly put my reduction into my own savings account, and he can continue paying in what he has been. So bills will be paid more like 60/40 instead of 67/33 and I can save for myself and the children.

@Mummyoflittledragon I can see I've been a fool in trusting his word, and he's been fine with the status quo.

Maybe he can use some of his 12K bonus to equal his contribution to your joint account?

That way, he is contributing equally, and you gave equal access to it?

Just in case you need it

Just a different perspective OP - does he think you spend too much money and wants YOU to save and be more careful with money before you marry?
Just a few things I've picked up from what you have said.

I really feel for you, what ever the "truth" at the moment you feel
Very lied to and that is so hurtful

I had this with a bloke. There was always an excuse, then eventually he even stopped having an excuse, and just would have a go at me saying 'you just want to get married.' I didn't just want to get married, I was like you and liked the idea of a relationship going somewhere.

At one point he even said 'I'll marry you if you move nearer me' and I did! I moved to the fringes of the city, when I don't drive. It was miserable.

One time I had to cancel the church wedding which was booked, can't remember what his excuse was that time.

Nothing to add to what the others have said, really. :(

What's he like aside from this issue? I suppose if someone's been married before, it can put them off.

This is what the gov.uk site has to say about getting a copy of the decree;
www.gov.uk/copy-decree-absolute-final-order

"If you do not know the case number
If you know which court issued the decree absolute or final order, you can ask them to search their records. It costs £45 to search a 10 year period.
Give the court the date you think the case happened. The court will search 5 years of records either side of that date.
If you cannot give them a date, the court will search the last 10 years of records.""

He just continued with excuses from he only saw it as a piece of paper to marrying me when I live in rented accommodation would affect his credit rating. The fact was I’d have been moving to Germany to live him so it was irrelevant. I heard a million other reasons too. He said he wanted a big wedding then as the costs mounted up for the quotes said it was too much. I cancelled my dress and lost the deposit. In response to that I bought a MUCH cheaper dress that I really didn’t like and said I would let him book whatever he wanted, wherever he wanted so he could do it as cheap as possible ie registry office and pub afterwards (which I’d have been upset with but I just wanted to get married because it meant more to me than a wedding). He didn’t like that either. So it was obvious I just wasn’t good enough and he wanted to keep me disposable.
I stupidly stayed with him for longer then we split and stayed living together for finances and kids. I thought we were getting back together earlier this year and discovered I was pregnant after being told I couldn’t have more. He didn’t want it, wanted a termination and I couldn’t do it. He says he’s been supportive but hasn’t been at all while I’ve been so depressed. He only cares about himself. So, he leaves in a couple of days and after Xmas, I’ll have be having a baby. It will have MY name this time. When I said that to him a few months back, he said we could get married so it had his name and I couldn’t stop laughing. What a lie and I’m not falling for that again.
He’s going and I will be much happier because I won’t have someone making me feel like a worthless piece of crap every day.

you might feel committed to him him, but hes taking you for a ride
get saving get your own place or move in with family and kick him to the kerb

Isn't it often a condition for immigration / visas that you can prove you have a certain amount of personal funds in your bank account? Just a thought. I would get your share of the money back ASAP!

OP, you sound like a very smart and determined woman that doesn't need to be reduced to sadness because a man keeps moving the goal posts on the marriage he promised. You contribute two thirds of the family costs and him one third but he is stipulating that there must be £20k in the bank before this wedding happens that you plan to only spend about £3k on?

I wouldn't say he wanted marriage when his residence was threatened because he'd have easily gotten a parental visa instead, it must be something else. Is he possibly still married to his ex wife and knows he needs money in the bank because she'll get a financial settlement if he divorces her to marry you?

I’m pretty sure for residency purposes you need to show you have savings of £16,000 or above if your income is under £18,600 a year.

I think he needs to demonstrate he can support his children financially too.

This sounds more like he’s sorting his visa requirements out.

Doesn’t sound like you have all the information OP

Thanks @MakeMineALargeProsecco. I'm ok with the disparity in monthly contribution given the difference in income, what I'm not ok with is being told to I need to save £11k before we can get married.

@Cuddling57 I'd be interested to know which bit of my posts you picked that up from, as he DOES think I spend too much money.

If it were up to him, we'd never go to any birthdays, weddings, christenings, family events, we'd probably not even celebrate Christmas. Well maybe we would, we'd just always go empty handed if he had his way. I was brought up to never go anywhere empty handed, so I will always take a present or something if we go to an event. In the 7 years we have been together, we've been on only one family holiday (DSS as well), and that was in the UK last year. I organised, booked and paid for the whole lot, which came to £1,200. I asked him for £400 contribution, he gave me £200, and said he didn't want to go in the first place. Given I asked him for the money after the event, there wasn't much I could do, but I did feel sad that I probably wouldn't do it again as the children enjoyed it so much, especially DSS, who'd never been on holiday before.

I also don't think he really understands how much it costs to feed, clothe and house a family of four and five EOW. I've said to him that he can take over doing the shopping, sorting the house, cleaner etc for a month so he can gauge why I spend what I do, but he says he's too busy.

Admittedly his attitude to money is probably how he managed to save as big a house deposit as he did on his salary, however he'd not have been able to buy the house we live in without my additional (smaller) deposit contribution or salary, so we both supported each other in this.

Thank you @RandomMess your username is exactly what I feel this situation is!