DP delaying wedding WWYD

[Angelrocket]

I’ve NC for this, as well as changed a few minor details so it’s less outing.

I’ve been with my DP for 7 years, we have a 3 year old DD, a 1 year old DS, and an 11 year old DSS. We jointly own a mortgaged house together, DSS stays EOW. DP and I are both employed, and work full-time. Both of the little children are in nursery full-time, which takes up a substantial amount of our monthly wage.

DP was previously married; he met, married, and was divorced from exDW in the space of 3 years, as well as having their DS, who was born just after they divorced. I met DP when DSS was 4 and I was not OW.

When we met, DP insisted that he wanted to get married again, and have more children. We got engaged after 3 years together, then started trying for a baby immediately, however instead of it taking a year or so (I was mid 30’s at the time), I got pregnant straight away.

We couldn’t get married immediately because DP had some immigration issues which he wanted to resolve before getting married again, which I agreed to. These issues were resolved earlier this year.

Originally I wanted to get married in church, as I am religious. DP said he didn’t want a church ceremony because it would cost too much. I have suggested a registry office ceremony instead followed by a celebration meal, which includes our little family and close relatives on both sides, so it would be quite a small wedding (in total 30 people).

We currently have about £12k in the bank. DP has now said that we can’t get married until we have at least £20k in the bank (this is not for spending on a wedding, this is just to have in the bank), on top of what we would spend on a wedding. I have worked out a total wedding budget of £3k taking on board his feedback.

I had wanted to get married in Spring 2019 as the immigration issues are cleared, then when that didn’t happen Spring 2020, however he is now saying not to think about a wedding until the money is in the bank as outlined above. I feel like I’ve been led up the garden path, as well as being resentful of him putting these conditions in place, and angry with myself for being so trusting.

Each time one condition is met, it seems he puts another one in its place. He doesn’t seem excited about getting married, or show any signs of eagerness to get married (e.g. he hasn’t applied for a copy of his divorce certificate despite knowing we’d need to take it to the registrar).

What would you do if you were me in this situation, and how would you go about it?

Thank you @AnneKipanki.

You sound awesome BTW .

On MN people write a lot about "red flags " .
This goalpost moving would be one for me.

Thanks @AnneKipanki, I'm not perfect by any means. Any success I have had in life, I attribute to my parents.

I don't come from a financially rich family (my parents were both nurses), nor did we go on holidays, other than to my parents home country during my childhood.

What we did have was an abundance of love and support, which meant that my brothers and sisters have all succeeded in life. My parents celebrated 45 years married this year, and yes they've had their ups and downs, their partnership is what I aspire to, and I can see similar traits in mine and DP's relationship. I'd like our children to benefit from a similar upbringing and environment.

@AnneKipanki Re goalposts moving, now we've all had a chance to reflect, that's what this second conversation will be about, then I can take stock and assess what's really going on here.

DP's reluctance to go for counselling/therapy is definitely cultural. I'm hoping he will see how I get on, then realise it's a positive thing to do, despite the cost.

I wouldn't hold too much hope. The mindset can be hard to shift, when it's all you've known.

I know nothing would persuade my DH to go for therapy.

One first has to realise or accept there's an issue, then they need to believe that therapy can help and not feel that attending is a sign of weakness, as many do.

In social conversations with ppl from my culture, especially men, they just don't have the belief, which sad.

What sometimes helps is a therapist they think would understand.

There's an organisation whose counsellors are all of black and Asian ethnic backgrounds. They are BACP registered and sometimes, having a counsellor with an inkling of your culture, not one who is dismissive regarding the issues, because of a total lack of understanding.

I've had a BME and a white therapist and I see the difference in their understanding in relation to certain issues.

Thanks @SandyY2K I've been looking through the listings on the BAATN, but there's so many to choose from it's hard to select who would be best.

What we did have was an abundance of love and support, which meant that my brothers and sisters have all succeeded in life. My parents celebrated 45 years married this year, and yes they've had their ups and downs, their partnership is what I aspire to, and I can see similar traits in mine and DP's relationship. I'd like our children to benefit from a similar upbringing and environment.

Nothing you've said about your DP makes it sound like he is offering this either to his children or you.

You distrust him enough to think that he could plausibly still be married to someone else, to the extent that you're asking strangers on the internet how to search court records

You talk about him like he's a stranger. You say you didn't even realise he didn't enjoy the holiday until after it was finished. You don't understand his emotions at all. He sounds completely inaccessible and closed off.

And it is humiliating to beg someone to marry you. Why are you putting yourself through this?

@Slumberly He contributes to the supportive environment and life we've built together. I have quite a high level job which I couldn't do if he wasn't doing his share of childcare.

It hadn't ever crossed my mind that he may still be married until this thread, and I don't think he actually is. It's the volume of responses here who have said that that could be the case.

On the contrary, he DID enjoy the holiday, very much so, he just didn't want to "waste money" on going, which is the difference. I think I've highlighted that we have different attitudes to spending money.

We had the first conversation about booking a place to get married last weekend. I started this thread in between, and am going to have a second discussion this weekend. 2 conversations don't constitute begging to my mind. If in this second conversation he says we should go ahead in the way we agree, I presume he'll produce a divorce certificate to the registrar.

@Angelrocket I'm not one of the posters who said he's still married. I don't see why he should be lying about that.

There's just something very cold in the way you write about him.

He contributes to the supportive environment and life we've built together. I have quite a high level job which I couldn't do if he wasn't doing his share of childcare.

I mean, I also juggle my career/childcare with my husband, so I understand the importance of this, but it isn't what I would focus on if I was talking about the positives of our relationship.

Those are just practicalities. I don't get any sense of passion or real love in your posts. More like you're just trying to work it all out in a very intellectual, logistical way.

OP, can I suggest you also turn it around and have a hard think as to why you want to marry him.

There are a lot of issues here. If I were you, and were the higher earner, I'd be more than happy for now to accept his reluctance to get married and see how things go.

It really sounds like a blessing in disguise!

I don't think OP sounds cold. She sounds like she's focused on practicalities rather than blubbing about not getting her special day. Many posters get encouraged to take exactly this stance.

he DID enjoy the holiday, very much so, he just didn't want to "waste money" on going, which is the difference.

This is part of how he gets it both ways, though, OP. He gets to both benefit from the holiday, and also be the sensible, prudent one who advised against frivolous spending on non-essentials. I do think that when he objects to spending on something, that's his view, but then he doesn't get to enjoy it anyway, AND not have to contribute, while still maintaining this moral high ground where he is the saver who doesn't spend rashly. For that reason I think you should stick to only buying Christmas stuff for the kids and yourself - don't include him - and not hide that he didn't contribute. And no buying presents for his side of the family if he's not contributing. Tell them 'DH didn't want to spend money on Christmas presents so we haven't got you any'.

I second buttery. He went on holiday enjoyed it. Benefited from it. Then turned around at home when you asked for his contribution and said no I didn’t want to go anyway.

From now in your shoes I really would listen to him. He doesn’t want to give gifts or go on holidays or spend money on nice things.

Therefore do not spend your money on any of the above for him or his side of the family. He doesn’t want you to. He sees it as you wasting money. So stop.

I’d also sit and think what it is about him that makes you want to marry him. When he does not wish to marry you.

there's so many to choose from it's hard to select who would be best.
Have a conversation with them before committing. See how you get on.

In addition you can actually meet a counsellor before committing.

Just a 10 minute session,
which they wouldn't charge for.

I've not seen anything youve written to indicate begging.

Some posters seem to exaggerate or project. Take what you think is
helpful and leave the rest. really don't think many

Some pp have decided your life with him is miserable and he brings nothing to the table. He doesn't sound useless to me.

Many posts asking why you want to marry him, as you earn double his salary. In the same vain, why would any man want to marry a woman on a low wage...who then becomes a SAHM for the next 20 odd years long after the children have gone to school and left. It's not all about the money.

Sandyk you’re missing the point, as usual with your posts. And you are misrepresenting what people have been pointing out to op. He doesn’t seem to want to marry her is the point and is messing her about and keeping his own financial bonus. People are trying to help op look out for her own interests when he seems non-commital. I don’t think anyone is projecting, certainly no more than you.

I think you are probably right op.

I started this thread in between, and am going to have a second discussion this weekend.

Did you have the conversation? How did it go?

Have you had another chat?

How has it gone @Angelrocket ?

I hope you have your answer .
Good luck . You seem pretty 'together' on your posts .