DP delaying wedding WWYD

[Angelrocket]

I’ve NC for this, as well as changed a few minor details so it’s less outing.

I’ve been with my DP for 7 years, we have a 3 year old DD, a 1 year old DS, and an 11 year old DSS. We jointly own a mortgaged house together, DSS stays EOW. DP and I are both employed, and work full-time. Both of the little children are in nursery full-time, which takes up a substantial amount of our monthly wage.

DP was previously married; he met, married, and was divorced from exDW in the space of 3 years, as well as having their DS, who was born just after they divorced. I met DP when DSS was 4 and I was not OW.

When we met, DP insisted that he wanted to get married again, and have more children. We got engaged after 3 years together, then started trying for a baby immediately, however instead of it taking a year or so (I was mid 30’s at the time), I got pregnant straight away.

We couldn’t get married immediately because DP had some immigration issues which he wanted to resolve before getting married again, which I agreed to. These issues were resolved earlier this year.

Originally I wanted to get married in church, as I am religious. DP said he didn’t want a church ceremony because it would cost too much. I have suggested a registry office ceremony instead followed by a celebration meal, which includes our little family and close relatives on both sides, so it would be quite a small wedding (in total 30 people).

We currently have about £12k in the bank. DP has now said that we can’t get married until we have at least £20k in the bank (this is not for spending on a wedding, this is just to have in the bank), on top of what we would spend on a wedding. I have worked out a total wedding budget of £3k taking on board his feedback.

I had wanted to get married in Spring 2019 as the immigration issues are cleared, then when that didn’t happen Spring 2020, however he is now saying not to think about a wedding until the money is in the bank as outlined above. I feel like I’ve been led up the garden path, as well as being resentful of him putting these conditions in place, and angry with myself for being so trusting.

Each time one condition is met, it seems he puts another one in its place. He doesn’t seem excited about getting married, or show any signs of eagerness to get married (e.g. he hasn’t applied for a copy of his divorce certificate despite knowing we’d need to take it to the registrar).

What would you do if you were me in this situation, and how would you go about it?

Listen to what he is telling you now.

Hang on a minute. Why is all the savings in his account? It sounds like he’s trying to fleece money from you and then do a runner by asking for 20k. Why does he need 20k? It makes no sense and sounds like you’re buying him or something....it’s very strange and I’ve never heard anything like it before! Do you really want to be dealing with this weird stuff! Don’t you just want to be normal? Normal bloke? Normal wedding? Normal family. All this stuff is too weird and complicated. If it was me, I’d say “I hear you about the wedding. In my opinion if you need 20k back up to marry me, the mother of your kids then that’s not acceptable. It’s off and I’m happy to co-habit but I’ll be wanting my own savings. Please transfer my 6k back to me by the end of the week” then see what happens. If he won’t transfer it back then you know he just sees you as a cash cow.

@cheeseandpineapple The rest of the relationship is good, however my feelings are starting to turn against him because I feel I've been deceived over the marriage issue.

If he had told me at the start that he didn't see the value in being married, I would have understood his position due to him being married previously, and having gone through a terrible divorce, and I would not have continued the relationship.

I don't plan on issuing any ultimatums, as I think that'd be a surefire way for us to divorce in 2 years time, as he'd then be the resentful one instead of me.

The children have his surname yes, as I thought I soon would too! I'm not going to change their surnames now, as they are who they are.

Although I have life insurance to cover the mortgage, I don't have a will yet. The house reverts to either of us upon the other one's death (purchased as joint tenants).

Have I read this right? You are jointly saving money into an account in his name only? But it's ok if he fucks off with it because you could easily save it again?

I'm speechless.

Well I'm here to be blunt OP, he will never marry you. He may marry someone else but it will never be you. Why? Because he got all he wanted and he never had to marry you, he now holds all the cards and has you dancing to his tune (he always had to be fair).

I really cannot understand, like others, why you let him keep £12K in his account - you do know that as you are not married that is 100% his????

From where you are I would leave - but honestly I would never have had child no 1 and if by accident I had, there would have been no child no2. He is using any excuse he can - marriage costs about £150 so there is no cost to a wedding. However, there is a cost to a man who has 12K sitting in his own account.

I wish someone would gift me £6k.

I'd actually feel angrier at myself for sleepwalking into a situation like this. It was a total dealbreaker to me to have kids before marriage, I insisted on two forms of contraception to avoid this. Honestly you sort of brought this on yourself. As for not really caring if you lose 6k and continuing to pay into a savings that isn't yours, that's just pretty stupid because it's in no way yours.

I think he's still married.

But even if he is not, he won't marry you.

If he refuses to put half the savings in your account, you'll know exactly where you stand OP.

This is so important.

I'll keep answering each post as fast as I can, but I wanted to clarify that the £12k is in his account because he received it as a bonus from work.

Apologies if this a drip feed, but the reason I'm not too fussed about the savings is that I earn a lot of money, more than double what he does (e.g. he earns £40k, I earn £90k, but not those exact figures).

Any money I save will go in my own account.

I didn't contribute towards the £12k in savings in his account at all.

Firstly, open a savings account and get him to transfer £6k into it and from now on, save separately. Good that the house is in joint names. Who pays the mortgage and who paid the deposit? Do you both do the same in terms of childcare and housework and contribute towards all your bills?

If he doesn't want to get married then that's fine but that also means that you're going to protect all that is yours. I would also look at changing your children's names and double barreling them. They're still very young so it won't affect how they feel. He doesn't get to have all the benefits of marriage without being married whilst you get bugger all.

He's got it all how he wants, why would he change things?

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1

His first marriage was in the middle of the immigration issues and caused him untold amounts of grief, so that was why he said he didn't want to get married before it was resolved. I was fine with that, but what I am not fine with is him saying he needs to have £20k in the bank before getting married.

How would you go about leaving?

@dontalltalkatonce I'm starting to come to that conclusion, hence me asking on Mumsnet for advice.

How do I go about finding out if he is still married? Would the divorce be registered somewhere?

You leave him.
Stop being a mug.
Are you so desperate to be married that you’d stay with this loser??

Thank you for the advice @Hanab. If he actually said he does not want to marry me after all, I would leave. The deception would be too much, as we've talked about marriage many times over the years.

@MrsTerryPratchett I'm pretty sure he wouldn't transfer £6k to me if I asked him to, he is very tight with money. Also, I'm not sure what asking him to do that would achieve?

I would guess his divorce would be public record and you can find out from that.

He's all talk and no action because he knows the talk works to keep you dangling along.

@yasle He says he wants us to have that money in the bank to know that we are financially secure before we get married. I'm not sure how that helps, but that's his reasoning.

Tight, future fakes you, might still be married . . . he's a real catch.

Based on your updates I think I'd tell him we need to split up.

@NaomiFromMilkShake Do you know if there is a way that I can find out if he is still married please?

I don't know the exact sequence of events with his exDW and their divorce, I just know they were divorced by the time their DS was born, and that he was informed by her solicitor a couple of months before the birth, as I have seen those papers.

@SevenStones Thank you for your comments. I must say DP worries about money all the time. Despite us being reasonably comfortable, he is always talking about savings and money and not spending anything on anything. Our attitudes to finance differ in that respect, however I don't think it should be enough to prevent us getting married; I'm quite sure he didn't have £20k in the bank before marrying his exDW!

Highly unusual for a divorce to be granted whilst the woman is pregnant.

The 20k is just another excuse. After that there will be another.

Thanks @KristinaM It's helpful to hear this from other people's perspective.

He just doesn't want to marry you
Its your decision if you want to stay knowing that