I have to leave him for my own dignity, don't i?

[JazzyJelly]

First of all, I'm a bloody idiot. DH and i have been together 13 years, married 7. No kids, although I was hoping we would start trying soon.

When we were 3 years into our relationship he had grown cold, wanted sex less and so on. I discovered this was down to a porn habit, looking specifically at something i consider really revolting (nothing illegal, but nothing like me, and made me question whether he was ever attracted to me in the first place). We had many fights, he lied to me again and again, we broke up and I think he was quite upset - he lost a lot of weight, and I had started some unhealthy behaviour too.

After a few months of him swearing blind he had given it up, would never look at this stuff again, wouldn't hurt me again, we gave it another go. I ask him regularly if he's keeping off it, he always says yes, swears faithfully.

Guess what I found on his work laptop?

I'm such an idiot. We've got a house together, I'm early 30s and was planning kids soon. He's lied to me, probably throughout our relationship.

But I don't want to be single and miss my chance to have kids. I love him. Selling the house would be horrendous. We have a nice life in a lot of ways. I'm such a coward.

My question is, should I leave him for the sake of my own dignity? My head is spinning right now. He's lovely in so many ways, but i feel that due to the lying, I can't trust him. The person I thought had my back through everything has been lying to me for years. The bottom has dropped out of my world.

In short yep.you have a good few years of childbearing ahead of you (hopefully) so end the relationship,take time to heal and go out and find yourself someone worthy of you.

You want to end a relationship because he lied about watching porn? Did your sex life improve after reconciling? What was the porn? Incest? Rape?

It's the lying as much as the porn. It hurt me terribly when I found it the first time, and he knows this. He's willing to hurt me again, willing to risk our relationship. That's what's so awful.

The porn itself disgusts me on a visceral level.

What kind of porn are we talking about ?

It sounds as though you're realising just in time, as though your brain is working away to protect you. You know he's very bad for you. You know that once you have children together it'll be so much harder to separate. You know that your sex life is crap and he's into something that you find revolting.

Time to get out, OP. Don't spend a few more years wondering about whether you're doing the right thing. Do it now and soon you will be so happy with someone else.

If you don’t like it, you never will. If the porn disgusts you, and he knows that, then he is abusing your trust in him by still watching that kind of porn and lying about it.

I don't think it matters what kind of porn it is. What matters is this is a boundary for op that her partner has consistently disrespected. Op by all means stay with him but accept he's not going to stop watching porn. You've got plenty of years ahead, might not be ideal but imagine being in this scenario with several kids in tow to consider

Why are people concerned about what type of porn it was?! He has lied for year!

Absolutely leave

Move on. You have time to find someone who loves and respects you enough not to lie to you.

If your sex life improved and apart from watching porn he is a good person and your otherwise happy I wouldn't end a relationship over it. I personally have no issue with porn, watch it myself and with my partner. Seems such a small matter to end 13 years over. Yeah he shouldn't of lied but it's only porn.

The thing is i DO have an issue with porn, because he's lied about it and caused me so much heartbreak over it. He kept looking at it even though he knew how much it hurt me. One of the things i always clung to in our lower times was that i wouldn't find anyone else who didn't watch porn. But he does, and lies about it. So i don't even have that.

hes cold, doesnt want much sex and lies about his porn habit.

what kind of person would try to convince you to put up with this relationship?

Look, you dont have to make a decision today. You're in shock and very upset. Be kind to yourself for a few days while you sort your head out.

Regarding him... my tuppence on the subject is that it sounds like there were early problems in the relationship, when you probably should have called time anyway. He was probably at a life stage where lying was the best tool he had to keep you in his life, he wasn't brave enough to walk away either.

And so you find yourselves here.

He has lied for ages. He probably isn't a very brave person. He probably will lie about other things in future as well - that seems to be a technique he is comfortable using, for an easy life where he gets what he wants and you're kept happy.

Some would be ok with that. I dont think you are. So it might be time to just stop all this agony and call time.

Alternatively, keep going, get your babies from him, and accept that your relationship will never be a comfortable safe sort of place, and you'll probably divorce in time.

Again, some are ok to make a deal with the devil in this way - my friend did this for example. I will say that her DS has always treated her with contempt, from a scarily young age... just as his father does. I think she regrets her decision, though she loves her son.

It's not an easy situation. I'm sorry.

One of the things i always clung to in our lower times was that i wouldn't find anyone else who didn't watch porn. oh love. I'm so sorry. The fact that this even crossed your mind shows that you're really with the wrong person. It's not.meant to feel like this x

The thing is he's not been cold since that early time. He's actually lovely a lot of the time, and I'm not an easy person. That's why it's blown me away that he's been lying. I stupidly thought i would be able to spot it if he did it again, because he'd be like he was back then.

Hi OP, I just want to reiterate that you are not wrong. This is your boundary, he knew it, he crossed it. You need to let go and find someone on your level. Not every man watches porn.

And ignore the porn apologists on here.

This happened to me too OP. We didn't split up initially. We went to relate and I truly thought we had worked through the lying thing. Then, he did it again.

It wasnt the porn for me, it was the lying. In the end, I tried to live with the fact he was watching it and didn't ask. But it killed our marriage. We split up after 14 years because our sex life had dwindled to nothing. Because of porn.

I have no advice, I just wanted to say that someone out there has lived it too, and totally gets it.

I don't regret trying to make it work the first time, or splitting. I just realise now that we were sexually incompatible. Everything else was wonderful. But it wasn't enough. Not for me.

for you

The thing is what kind of porn is it? For me that would be the point. If he's watching something pretty standard I'd be ok with it. Definitely. Ok the morality of porn is another issue.

But if was underage or something where I seriously would think that's just fucking deviant then that's a whole different ball game. If I was wondering if H is gay and his porn taste confirmed it, then I'd be gone sharpish.

You’ll learn to be able to see the signs, you’ll get loads of practice, if you stay.

* and I had started some unhealthy behaviour too*

What were you doing?

The issue is that the OP can’t stand that porn, it’s a boundary.

Thank you for the kind words. I'm terrified about losing the life we have together. He's been really supportive through a lot of difficult stuff, and he's very gentle. But he's a liar.

I'm sorry, I'm going round in circles because I have to leave, but I don't want to. I love him. He's the only person I've ever been with, and the idea of selling our beautiful house and starting again, possibly never finding someone (i work very long hours, no idea when i would meet someone) is terrifying.

It’s a boundary he agreed to respect.

I think the main problem is the lying. Lying eventually destroys a relationship, you have to have trust in someone to have a good life together.