I have to leave him for my own dignity, don't i?

[JazzyJelly]

First of all, I'm a bloody idiot. DH and i have been together 13 years, married 7. No kids, although I was hoping we would start trying soon.

When we were 3 years into our relationship he had grown cold, wanted sex less and so on. I discovered this was down to a porn habit, looking specifically at something i consider really revolting (nothing illegal, but nothing like me, and made me question whether he was ever attracted to me in the first place). We had many fights, he lied to me again and again, we broke up and I think he was quite upset - he lost a lot of weight, and I had started some unhealthy behaviour too.

After a few months of him swearing blind he had given it up, would never look at this stuff again, wouldn't hurt me again, we gave it another go. I ask him regularly if he's keeping off it, he always says yes, swears faithfully.

Guess what I found on his work laptop?

I'm such an idiot. We've got a house together, I'm early 30s and was planning kids soon. He's lied to me, probably throughout our relationship.

But I don't want to be single and miss my chance to have kids. I love him. Selling the house would be horrendous. We have a nice life in a lot of ways. I'm such a coward.

My question is, should I leave him for the sake of my own dignity? My head is spinning right now. He's lovely in so many ways, but i feel that due to the lying, I can't trust him. The person I thought had my back through everything has been lying to me for years. The bottom has dropped out of my world.

Is it dominatrix/bdsm?

OP - I do hope you would give counselling a chance. And not only a couples one. I do think you would benefit from individual one too.
And - I’d read some Estel Perel books too.

You seem to want something from a relationship that is a little unrealistic.
You and your H met young - by the sound of it. And didn’t have any other partners before - at least you didn’t, and he - if he did - had not many either.
And you seem to want a total control/ownership of his sexuality. Because anything less than that seems to make you insecure and/or unhappy.
It doesn’t work like this. And it explains why he had to hide things from you.
He was protecting his personal space. And it’s not fair to prioritise your insecurities over his sexual fantasies over his personal space/needs.
Masturbation is a solitary activity and your need for him to dictate that it’s OK to ‘imagine’ something vs ‘view’ it on a screen - frankly seems to tell more about the issues you need to deal with.
He loves you and didn’t want to hurt you - hence hid it from you. Most people would do that rather then have an open confrontation.

I’d think very hard about giving up on having kids over this. All you said about yourself and your issues - and your history - doesn’t make it sound like you’d have an easy time to find another partner.

I’d think pragmatically at this stage. Have counselling to deal with your issues. Have kids. If you can’t change how you view life - you can always divorce later.
Giving up on potentially having kids - over porn that didn’t Even affect your relationship - seems like a strange move. And one you may regret.

@JazzyJelly I think this is why counseling could be so beneficial. He has lied about something. Yes, that is hurtful. But then you go, “He’s proven himself a liar.” That’s the black and white thinking right there. I assume you’ve lied about things in your life. Maybe you’ve even told some big lies, though perhaps they weren’t to your husband. Should we say you’re a liar and should never be trusted again? I’m even willing to bet that at at least one point, because I really do understand how hard self-destructive behaviors can be, that you told someone you wouldn’t self-harm again, or maybe even promised. Maybe even someone who loved you. But then things got bad and you did. I wouldn’t call you a liar for doing that and say you could never be trusted again. Good people, decent people, can lie. Bad people can tell the truth. Maybe he is lying about other things. But equally, maybe he’s not lying about anything else. Now if it does turn out he’s lied about many things, then you’ll cross that bridge when you reach it. But you may never have to. Counseling is an important place that helps you examine how you communicate, how you think, and how you treat not just each other, but also yourselves. You are not naive. We all can learn to be better communicators, and sometimes we HAVE to in order to save something in our lives, like a relationship that may be worth saving. I obviously can’t say for sure, in your situation, but counseling can help you determine that.

I suppose there's a continuum between occasional porn watching like most people/men, and the sort of situation @Smallnmighty describes.

The main problem with porn IMHO (apart from the ethics of its manufacture) is when men try to make their partners enact stuff from it etc. But from the sound of it some women have also found it's put their partners off sex, as you found in the past.

As @RLEOM said, I suppose it partly depends whether he's gone into the cold and no sex thing again. If, as you say, your sex life is fairly normal, maybe he's managing to keep his usage in hand. (sorry!)

Think yourself lucky in a way that it's not some disgusting act he might try and introduce into your sex life.

Why are people's bars set so fucking low?

"Men pretend not to watch porn. Women pretend to believe them."

Hi @JazzyJelly

Are you ok? Ignore PP trying to elicit what the fetish is. It couldn't be less relevant for anyone here to know. You have said it isn't illegal and that is all people need to know.

It doesn't matter whether your DH is "right" to find a particular thing a turn on (if it exists, there is a kink for it, after all).

The point is, he knew how strongly you feel about being lied to. It's almost irrelevant what the lie is about. He knows you are hurt by lies more than any hurt that arises from potentislly hurtful truths.

And he lied anyway. That isnt a lie to protect you. That's a lie which actively hurts you. And he is a coward for putting his own embarrassment over your need to know.

You are not wrong or over reacting to feel the way you do. I did the same with the ultimatum and was let down.

I think it was his cowardice and willing to sacrifice my mental well-being for his embarrassment which killed our marriage. It told me things about his character that I could never not know.

So porn is the catalyst, but it was about realising how much integrity my husband lacked, which I couldn't handle. When the shit hit the fan, he prioritised himself over me.

Maybe you feel differently and I could well just be projecting. But IMO this IS a big enough thing to question your whole marriage over. Tits and arse (or whatever) is the last thing this is about: it's about who he actually IS as a husband

I know damn well I'm damaged goods and my chances of finding another partner who would deal with my issues is low

You are NOT damaged goods. You are someone who has been abused. That your DH knows that and STILL chooses to lie makes it worse. It was his lies that drove you to SH, so he certainly isnt lying to protect you from doing that again.

In a previous lifetime, I nursed lots of women who had been sexually abused which caused MH problems. Would it surprise you to know, that after a couple of failed relationships, the vast majority DID find loving and supportive partners who knew all about it and treasured them?

This ISN'T the best that is out there for you. There is so much better. Please know that.

Oh, and as a fat chick, fuck right off whoever implied we are a niche kink! I get enough sex and enough offers to know that I am not niche, I am a fat lass who is bloody sexy. So piss right off with your fat shaming! Scuse me while I go and scoff

@prawnsword I can honestly say that you really didn't need to add the word "armchair" or "amateur" or whatever it was before the word Psychologist. It really was abundantly clear.

Maybe stick to the day job?

@JazzyJelly I'm an abuse survivor and I used to feel broken and that only my exh would put up with me.

I left him when I was 31... swiped right on a guy 3 weeks later (was trying to distract myself).

Anyway now its 4 years later and Tinder Man and I live together.

You're not broken or damaged. Abuse is common. Love is also common. You are going to be ok. Really x

Thank you again to those who are being so kind. I tried to sleep but just had nightmares. Then when I wake up the nightmare continues.

To those of you who say it's just porn, and he was lying to protect me, i don't know how you can live like that. I can't be happy knowing my H can and will lie to my face for his own sordid pleasure. And no, i haven't lied to him. I've never promised not to self harm again because I can't make that promise.

He let me believe him for his own gain. He lied straight to me. He let us buy our lovely house, and was annoyed at me for being hesitant, when he knew we'd break up if i found out what he was doing. He let me believe he loved me more than porn.

It is absolute bollocks that all men watch porn. Please don't stay with this one on that basis because it just really isn't true.

And there is a HUGE difference between taking the occasional look when in a hotel alone or whatever, to prioritising wanking over porn to forming and nurturing a real sexual connection to your real life partner.

(Is it amputee porn btw? Just curious!)

I do wonder if all men watch porn. I read recently that a group of researchers tried to do a study on the effects of porn, but couldn't find any young men who hadn't watched it. I worry about finding a new man and discovering he's into something like rape or 'barely legal', which would be worse. It does seem that men watch it a lot. Unless they're religious? But I'm not, so that would be a different difficulty.

Oh OP, honestly, not all men watch porn. And even if they did, the majority of them don't lie to your face about it.

Loads if blokes watch the odd bit of porn occasionally, that is basically run of the mill vanilla tits and arse stuff, featuring the ubiquitous page 3 type woman, doing perfectly normal sex stuff. And they don't do it in preference to sex with their partner, and they don't bother lying about it.

I have had exes in the past who watched it in exactly that way, when away on business or whatever, and it felt about as threatening as me imagining shagging Dwayne Johnson whilst having a play while HE was away.

What YOUR husband is doing is different. It's not just porn. It's a niche, kink, porn addiction. Built on lies and deceit. And like any addiction, it will always come first to him.

It's ok to hate all porn and not want to be with someone who uses it. They DO exist. But what your bloke is doing is the other end of the spectrum. Most men are somewhere in the middle. Honestly.

You are looking at this with such low expectations for yourself. It's like having a husband that has repeated affairs, and comparing him to a lad of 16 that kisses another lass at a party behind the back of his girlfriend of two weeks. Yes, they are both cheats, but the damage and severity are hardly comparable.

It seems like you are trying to tell yourself that ALL men do what he does. Most might watch a bit of porn, but not to the same extreme degree, with the level of deceit and corrosiveness that your husband does.

I am sorry, because I know that thinking "all men do it" gives you a reason to stay. But they don't. Not like this, anyway.

Better analogy....you are doing the equivalent of staying with an alcoholic, simply because most people do drink socially.

OP, have a virtual hug and a cup of coffee. It’ll be alright.

Imo these women are incorrect. I believe the vast majority of men watch porn very regularly. It's still at least a third of ALL the Internet.

Try couples therapy

You're probably right daisy, but you're also right SirChing, it's not totally the porn, it's the lies. If he'd told me he was doing this, if it wasn't every day, if it wasn't a single fetish but more 'normal', i wouldn't be anywhere near as devastated. Plus he's ruined Christmas, my favourite time of the year. Our first in our very own house, which I'm going to have to sell so have to try not to get attached now :-(

Can i ask how it went with your break up SirChing, if that's not rude or too painful?

If everything else in the relationship is great, maybe you are making too much of this porn? Although unless you say what it is then how can anyone give advice? If it's just the 'type' of woman in the porn and that's undermining your self confidence then surely this issue is your self worth rather than the porn?

His lying is the wrong thing to do but so is your demands that he give up something he wants to watch. It's controlling him and maybe he feels that your unreasonableness is justification for the lies? If he had a hobby such as golf and you insisted he stop it would you say that's controlling?

If you've found a man who loves and accepts you in every other way (seems that from what I've read), treats you well and cares for you and understands your issues, you will be hard pushed to find a similar man without the porn issue, set up a stable home and have children in the next 8 years.

I think you need couples counselling and get a bit of perspective on the issue

It's not the same as golf though is it? He has several hobbies, none of which i would ever dream of interfering with.

But to her the porn is abhorrent and it’s not straight forward porn it’s a kink. He is watching this every single day.

It’s like saying oh he is 90% great so I’ll settle for that even though the 10% is against everything I believe. If it was the odd wank to vanilla stuff I doubt the op would have had the same visceral reaction, it’s the frequency and the content that’s so upsetting. It will tarnish all the good stuff. They may benefit from counselling and he may be able to stop this behaviour with some help but he needs to want to. His coping strategy has been to lie about his usage not address why he is still doing something that upsets his wife so much that she left him the last time she found out about it. He has based the rest of their relationship on a lie (that he isn’t watching it anymore). That regardless of what the issue is, is very harmful for their relationship.

If OP won't say what the porn is and has ruled out genuinely kinky and violent porn, then how can we say if the DH is being unreasonable or if the OP is? It sounds to me as if he likes a particular type of woman (maybe blonde with big boobs) and the OP is of a different body type, and this is her issue. Pretty tame imo.

Liking a 'type' isn't a big deal, and being controlling is maybe more of one?

Without knowing what it is how can we advise whether the DH is unreasonable or the OPs body issues and insecurities are the root of the problem?

Saying that the lying and the porn use are a significant problem and if it can't be resolved with counselling, they need to separate.

I'm not going to say what it is. I don't have body issues, I'm not insecure about my looks. I'm not a stunner but I'm perfectly fine. He is, if anything, the less attractive one, and he's put on quite a bit of weight during the time we've been together (not saying that's a bad thing, but when we met he was very fit, and I found that attractive).

It's the repeated lying to my face that's the issue! The fact he knew that this would hurt me! He's supposed to be the one person I can trust never to hurt me, but he has, possibly throughout our relationship. Our vows included to always be honest with each other and he's broken that.

He pushed for us to buy a house, which was exhausting and really difficult, not to mention expensive, and now we've got to sell it. He knew this would be the outcome eventually (although if he's been lying to me for 10 years and getting away with it I can see how he would think he could get away with being a liar forever) and he pushed for us to buy it anyway.