I have to leave him for my own dignity, don't i?

[JazzyJelly]

First of all, I'm a bloody idiot. DH and i have been together 13 years, married 7. No kids, although I was hoping we would start trying soon.

When we were 3 years into our relationship he had grown cold, wanted sex less and so on. I discovered this was down to a porn habit, looking specifically at something i consider really revolting (nothing illegal, but nothing like me, and made me question whether he was ever attracted to me in the first place). We had many fights, he lied to me again and again, we broke up and I think he was quite upset - he lost a lot of weight, and I had started some unhealthy behaviour too.

After a few months of him swearing blind he had given it up, would never look at this stuff again, wouldn't hurt me again, we gave it another go. I ask him regularly if he's keeping off it, he always says yes, swears faithfully.

Guess what I found on his work laptop?

I'm such an idiot. We've got a house together, I'm early 30s and was planning kids soon. He's lied to me, probably throughout our relationship.

But I don't want to be single and miss my chance to have kids. I love him. Selling the house would be horrendous. We have a nice life in a lot of ways. I'm such a coward.

My question is, should I leave him for the sake of my own dignity? My head is spinning right now. He's lovely in so many ways, but i feel that due to the lying, I can't trust him. The person I thought had my back through everything has been lying to me for years. The bottom has dropped out of my world.

Everyday I'd also quite a lot

Yeah fuck off now @prawnsword, you're talking a load of nonsense.

Not a bloke by any chance?

the porn is something most people would find deeply unattractive.

Do you feel you can say what. It would make a difference to my advice, and it sounds like some other posters feel the same.

@Prawnsword WTAF?? OP is upset because her partner turned cold and lied so much that she can no longer trust him. He is watching porn and she finds that unforgivable, which is entirely up to her and it sounds like she's sick of having her boundaries crossed.

Are you qualified in diagnosing people you know very little about and have never met?

OP, your partner has clearly crossed too many of your boundaries now. Don't despair. Just leave him and find somebody better. Maintaining your boundaries is maintaining your dignity. I'm sorry things are shit right now, but they will get better because you will make them better.

And you're not an idiot. You've simply been treated poorly.

@prawnsword

You should really pay attention to the fact you are in the minority here, what is that telling you?

Is it a fetish that he’s not able to act out with you and needs to find a release elsewhere? I’m not saying this is okay, but sexuality is complicated and it may not be as simple for him as you drawing a line and saying ‘don’t’. That said, you get to pick your own deal breakers.

You both need therapy. He’s a sex addict and you are screwed up. Get some professional help both of you before more damage is done.

To be fair we don’t know what kind of porn it is & the OP is against porn as a whole, so the reason I asked what type was to discern if it was something hardcore but also fall in the mainstream porn category

That's correct, it's a fetish i can't satisfy. I don't want to say what it is specifically because I don't want to hurt anyone on here who might have the characteristic. It's generally considered a bad thing.

And thank you Eckhart. I just struggle to believe i could find someone who would treat me better.

Like, maybe they would be honest and not lie to my face, but perhaps they would get frustrated when i cringe away over something which reminds me of what I went through, or would be less supportive of my long hours at work. Although, as i type this, I wonder if there's a reason he's happy for me to be out of the house.

I don't want to hurt anyone on here who might have the characteristic.

Is it "big" women - bbw's?

Come on, what's the porn. Is it fat chicks?

Op, you don't have to justify to the porn apologists why you don't like porn in your relationship, it's your relationship, not theirs.

I can't stand the "love a bit of porn myself, does no harm" lot coming on here to threads like these, where it is absolutely doing great harm, in all aspects of a lot of relationships.

These are selfish people that can't and won't see how damaging their beloved porn is because it suits them, to continue watching guilt free. You really can't take into account any advice from such self serving people.

You don't like porn, neither does a huge amount of other women either. And that's perfectly normal. More normal then those who do, considering how unethical it is for all the poor women filming it.

Most of us would probably be uncomfortable/unhappy if our partner used solely a certain type of porn pretty much every day .. and a type we don't fulfil.

Be sure it suggests that's his "thing", that's what really gets his going sexually and we don't fulfil it.

(don't or can't).

Is it fat chicks?

And I tried so hard to be tactful.

Sometimes it's easier to turn in on ourselves than turn the pain & anger towards its source. Because then we would have to face it, which is scary, because then things change. Hugely.

Wow... this is soo deep and true. Never saw things this way..

• because it suggests

Not 'fat chicks' as you so charmingly put it.

You're right Sandles19, it does suggest it's his 'thing' and I can't change that. I feel a bit blindsided by it, as the vast majority of people would find it unattractive, but as I've said before, it's the repeated lying that is the most important issue to me.

Redheads?

"Mature" women?

Black or Asian women?

Oh sorry I just read that the majority of people would find it unattractive so I doubt it could be any of the above - unless it is mature and you mean the majority of people find people significantly older than them attractive eg he likes mature/granny/gilf porn and he's only late 30s

Jesus, none of those things are unattractive! The issue is that he lied to me and I can't believe a word he says now.

*the majority of people find people significantly older than them unattractive

none of those things are unattractive!

I know, cross posted