I have to leave him for my own dignity, don't i?

[JazzyJelly]

First of all, I'm a bloody idiot. DH and i have been together 13 years, married 7. No kids, although I was hoping we would start trying soon.

When we were 3 years into our relationship he had grown cold, wanted sex less and so on. I discovered this was down to a porn habit, looking specifically at something i consider really revolting (nothing illegal, but nothing like me, and made me question whether he was ever attracted to me in the first place). We had many fights, he lied to me again and again, we broke up and I think he was quite upset - he lost a lot of weight, and I had started some unhealthy behaviour too.

After a few months of him swearing blind he had given it up, would never look at this stuff again, wouldn't hurt me again, we gave it another go. I ask him regularly if he's keeping off it, he always says yes, swears faithfully.

Guess what I found on his work laptop?

I'm such an idiot. We've got a house together, I'm early 30s and was planning kids soon. He's lied to me, probably throughout our relationship.

But I don't want to be single and miss my chance to have kids. I love him. Selling the house would be horrendous. We have a nice life in a lot of ways. I'm such a coward.

My question is, should I leave him for the sake of my own dignity? My head is spinning right now. He's lovely in so many ways, but i feel that due to the lying, I can't trust him. The person I thought had my back through everything has been lying to me for years. The bottom has dropped out of my world.

Sleep sounds like a good idea. Keep drinking even if you can't eat. There is no sense adding a dehydration headache to this scenario. I Will probably be awake until quite late so will check here if you wake and want to chat.

You WILL get through this. Honestly you will. And there are people here who care and think you are worth something. You sound so lovely. Holding your hand

If you’d honestly rather you found gay porn instead so you wouldn’t have to compete You’re actually more liberal than most!

Porn is like Maccas for sex. Lots of people eat Big Macs, but it’s not a delicious Wagyu on a sweet brioche bun & nobody ever thinks about “that memorable maccas burger” they recently had.

You get in a certain mood, often at an odd time, you slip one in & forget about it soon afterwards. It’s not love, it’s just human nature to like to look at other naked humans having sex.

I really think you need to work on your issues here. He watches it & he is never going to stop watching it 100% of the time. Not even if the relationship was good. It’s just a fact of life, like the sky is blue. This is a man who sometimes watches porn.

You will never make him not want to watch it. If you had more connection & intimacy in the bedroom I don’t think the porn use would bother you. Is it possible you have other strong feelings about your real sex life too ?

There must be men who don’t watch porn, possibly someone who practices a religion ? Otherwise you would be looking for a needle in a haystack

Does he control what you think about during masturbation?

If he tried you would be indignant and humiliated I'm guessing, men use porn and know it's not nice or respectful.

Lying about masturbation tools is one lie I would let go unless the porn was seriously dodgy

theres a lot of young women out there who really think its normal for their guy to prefer fapping off to porn than having sex with them.

it wouldnt be for me and fingers crossed my daughter isnt that desperate either.

If you’re prone to self harm your coping mechanisms are dysfunctional...Your emotional reactions to hurts & upsets + perceived betrayals is low. If you are self harming hope you are in treatment or able to active a plan soon to help teach you better coping strategies.

nope, where did i say that?

The only thing I would note is that although you say you would have preferred him to be honest, you also say that last time this was an issue, self harm was involved. Maybe your DH has been lying to you about it because he thinks it's the lesser of two evils.

@ Helmetbymidnight

theres a lot of young women out there who really think its normal for their guy to prefer fapping off to porn than having sex with them.

So instead of masturbating they should be seeking out sex with other women ?

I think that would lead to a rise in unwanted sexual advances personally

Please don't suggest he's lying to me for my own benefit. He's not a child, he chooses his own actions and he could have chosen to use his imagination like men did for the thousands of years before the Internet to avoid hurting me again. Like he said he was.

Yes, my coping methods are poor. I'm messed up. I was abused as a child and he's the only man I've ever felt safe with. He's very good about it, very gentle and understands it's not about him. I know damn well I'm damaged goods and my chances of finding another partner who would deal with my issues is low.

Thank you for the reminder to drink SirChing, i imagine that explains the headache.

And it's not 'sometimes', it's literally every day.

I don’t really understand because I love a bit of porn and have no issue with DH watching it as long as it’s nothing too weird or freaky. But that said, it’s your life and your boundary. You really won’t be happy in life unless you find somebody compatible. Why don’t you just end it and find somebody trustworthy. You’ve got maybe 5-10 years to find that person and get to the stage of having kids so you’d best get cracking. I’d recommend joining a church group. The chance of finding somebody like you there is probably quite high eg honest and non porn user. You need to start using a better filter early on too. It’s a shame but you won’t really be happy having kids with a porn user will you so just dump and get on with your life

PRAWNSWORD

You are talking utter shit and I suggest you go find someone else to bully and talk bollox too.

So instead of masturbating they should be seeking out sex with other women ?
I think that would lead to a rise in unwanted sexual advances personally

what on earth are you on about?

op, wanting to be with a guy who wants to have sex with you rather than wanking to a screen is not asking too much, honestly. its kind of minimum base-line for most people.

look I must be reading a different post because my reading appears to be different to everyone else’s. It’s my personal opinion From what I have read. We all make our own interpretations & yes am a bit of an armchair psychologist but I wasn’t intending to attack, only help.

Prawnsword, i don't know quite what my view of my looks has to do with anything. I am not unattractive. I am not insecure about my looks, although the fact that the porn he looks at is solely one type and very different to myself makes me question HIS attraction to me.

I don't make a habit of hurting myself, i do it in times of deep pain. The fact is he lied to me, repeatedly, over a period of at least a year, almost certainly more. It's a lot to deal with.

For me it would depend on the type if porn.

(Not to say that if it's porn at all that's the problem .. that that's not your right. You do have the right not to tolerate it in your relationship full stop. Just to be aware that most men (maybe 80% to my memory from a survey) use porn and it may be difficult to find one who doesn't. Most will probably lie/cover it up if you make it clear you don't tolerate it (or they'll be honest/adamant if they're that type).

Anyway .. if it wasn't anything repulsive/extreme etc to me, I'd probably leg it go (and understand why he lied and hid it, not great behaviour but if backed into to a corner ..).

If it's was something repulsive to me, no - if try to find a man who didn't watch that kind of porn.

I've had one bf who didn't watch porn, the others do.

JazzyJelly. I hear the pain and fear you have right now xx

Change can be scary especially when its not something you wanted to or expected. I do think its quite complicated this issue with the porn. And its only for you to decide what youre ok accepting. You could both communicate honestly about needs, desires, compromises etc and see how it goes, maybe give yourself a time limit to see if he manages to be honest about porn watching and if you could be ok with it - and whether it still does/doesn't affect you.
You get to decide! And you don't have to do anything right away.

I think its great you have a house together, it means you could sell up and not be dependent on him financially if separated you could have the means to live elsewhere and work on yourself. (hobbies, what makes you feel safe, therapy etc)

Its really disheartening when plans don't always follow through. The fears and worries we have sometimes are worse in our minds (because of traumatic childhood experiences) than they can be in real life. I honestly think its better to cut things loose now as with shared kids things become SO much more difficult, painful and isolating if things don't work out.
But if you decide otherwise, its OK and you will get through it. Just like you've managed to get through the 30years of your life already.

ps. There ARE good people out there. Even if it doesn't feel like it a lot of the time. Your life experiences don't make you damaged goods, sadly just carrying extra troubled pain (that you could work on to heal and overcome bit by bit. speaking from experience)

@prawnsword your posts are cringe inducing.
You’re doing that thing certain types of people do of speaking with absolutely certainty and confidence but none of what you’re saying warrants it - there’s not a shred of depth of understanding there at all.

the fact that the porn he looks at is solely one type

Sounds like a fetish. Depending on what it is, I can imagine being uncomfortable.

I only mentioned your looks because you said you felt insecure compared to porn actors & felt like competing & I meant that as a compliment - as in a self love kind of way :(

He knows if he tells the truth you will be in deep pain & cut yourself / other self harm - is nobody else feeling how difficult a position it is to be someone who feels responsible for someone hurting themselves ?

Had he been honest & said he does watch it can you honestly say you would have been upset but not hurt enough to self harm ? I think he just does it discreetly & his fault is lying. I agree. It’s just maybe he saw the lie as the least worst thing ?

It’s your boundary & your right to leave him over this betrayal. I personally strongly disagree but that’s just me.

Thank you for explaining. I'm sorry i snapped and assumed the worst. To clarify, i am traditionally reasonable looking, the porn is something most people would find deeply unattractive. That's part of why I would have preferred men! At least I could understand the attraction.

I guess to me the lying is the worst, rather than the best thing. It feels like the one person I really thought had my back is a lie. Every certainty i thought I had is gone. He can lie to me, consistently, over a period of a year or more. I don't recognise him.