I have to leave him for my own dignity, don't i?

[JazzyJelly]

First of all, I'm a bloody idiot. DH and i have been together 13 years, married 7. No kids, although I was hoping we would start trying soon.

When we were 3 years into our relationship he had grown cold, wanted sex less and so on. I discovered this was down to a porn habit, looking specifically at something i consider really revolting (nothing illegal, but nothing like me, and made me question whether he was ever attracted to me in the first place). We had many fights, he lied to me again and again, we broke up and I think he was quite upset - he lost a lot of weight, and I had started some unhealthy behaviour too.

After a few months of him swearing blind he had given it up, would never look at this stuff again, wouldn't hurt me again, we gave it another go. I ask him regularly if he's keeping off it, he always says yes, swears faithfully.

Guess what I found on his work laptop?

I'm such an idiot. We've got a house together, I'm early 30s and was planning kids soon. He's lied to me, probably throughout our relationship.

But I don't want to be single and miss my chance to have kids. I love him. Selling the house would be horrendous. We have a nice life in a lot of ways. I'm such a coward.

My question is, should I leave him for the sake of my own dignity? My head is spinning right now. He's lovely in so many ways, but i feel that due to the lying, I can't trust him. The person I thought had my back through everything has been lying to me for years. The bottom has dropped out of my world.

Wow i really admire you @JazzyJelly. I've read the whole thread and you've really got your head screwed on. Good luck xx

Couple of vile posts there yellow

AutumnConker Tue 19-Nov-19 14:24:02
Maybe she needs help. Who can say.
....her reaction to his utter weirdness and creepiness around porn entirely normal! People trying to normalise it or make OP accept this creep not helpful to op.
.........
Quite right!

Jazzy you really are doing well and (for the future), there are plenty of men who are not interested in porn.

@yellowallpaper

Wow, what a one sided, layman's view of BPD you have. If you had spent lots of time with many sufferers of BPD, you would know that what you have just written barely scratches the surface of what people with that condition go through.

The people against porn aren't all over fifty, and the people against the lies and deceit share the cohort of "having some standards and self respect". Sorry if you can't relate to that.

@JazzyJelly You are a star and are being so bloody strong and brave. Hang in there. I also relate to what the PP said about being in love with who you thought he was. So true in my case too. Then you leave and start to see loads of other stuff that was wrong too. And it turns out you loved someone who wasn't real - the person you loved wasn't the full picture of the real man. It hurts though x

OP, I'd like to add my support.

I'm horrified by some of the posts on this thread, there is a lot I could say in disagreement with them, but I will just say that I'm sorry some people have been so dismissive, belligerent and/or unpleasant, and I'm glad others have been more understanding and supportive.

My advice is to get individual counselling, it doesn't have to be through Relate (Relate counsellors can be a mixed bag!) and I think it will be much more valuable to you than couple's counselling. The time to get couple's counselling was when you first discovered his porn use but it's too late for that now I think.

FWIW I think it's absolutely the right decision to end the relationship.

If you're worried about how to tell people why it's over, remember that you don't actually owe anyone an explanation (it's between the two of you) but if you want you could say two things: 1 you've realised that you're not compatible (i.e. not sexually compatible because the porn is clearly important to him and it repulses you - not that you have to explain this to anyone) and 2 he has been lying to you.

Thank you all for your kind words. And for getting through the thread! I've felt like my head is in a blender these past couple of days, but you've all been so lovely and helpful.

@sirching, @whatishe up to (appropriate username) and @bluerussian, thank you for reassuring me I'm not insane. I don't like porn at all, i have friends my age who agree and have it as a hard no in their relationships, and behaviour like this isn't something to be brushed aside.

YellowWallpaper please stop telling me I have a disorder, even if that's correct I'm very much hurting at the moment. I wouldn't kick someone when they're down, please do me the same courtesy.

Please ignore that poster. Plenty of women in your situation would be equally upset about it. It's a perfectly normal reaction and suggesting you could have a personality disorder is frankly ridiculous!

If it was gambling, or sexting, or drinking that he was hiding for 2 years and lying to my face about, I'm sure you wouldn't be minimising it.

Yes, yes and yes

Thank you @AnotherEmma, i think you're right about the individual counselling. If it's not too personal a question, have you had counselling through relate (or know someone who has)? Is there any company you would recommend?

I've had couple's counselling with Relate and also have friends who have used them. A mixed experience!

I've also had individual counselling via various channels. There are lots of options:
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/talking-therapy-and-counselling/how-to-find-a-therapist/#.XdRrGSWnwlR

What an excellent resource thank you.

Right.
So when your partner/H is a sex addict, the following occurs:

You stumble over stuff he looked at online. Often on the same iPad your child uses.
You want to be intimate, but he is ‘too tired’, ‘can we just cuddle, ‘I have so many worries’ etc. What it actually means is that he wanked for hours on end that day and can’t face it.
You see a certain look in his face, just going into town, where he stares intently and obsessively at a woman. What he does, is he creates this fantasy, imagining what he would do to her etc. The rest of the trip he’s ‘absent’, he’s still fantasising.
The miles on the car don’t make sense. That’s because he drove out of town to see escorts that fulfill his fantasy.
Treats women as objects, simply for pleasure.
You find viagra. And antidepressants. Which, any normal person would think: ok, antidepressants can cause ED, therefore he was proactive, trying to sort this. No. What it actually means is that they take both, that gives them an erection for hours.
ED. You’re in the middle of it, and it dies, completely. He serves you some bullshit. It’s because he doesn’t get the same level of dopamine he chases every time he acts out.
The lies. So many lies. So so many lies. Which mess up your head and start thinking it’s you, surely, no normal person can keep blatantly doing this and telling you you’re imagining it.
Can’t empathise with you or your needs. Frankly, the sex is shit, because they’re passive, in front of a screen.

Can you tell I’ve been there?

The thing is Jazzyjelly, if it was gambling, sexting or drinking then they are completely different issues and on a completely different scale.

I mean hiding a bad gambling addiction is a serious issue, if a man was hiding that he placed a small harmless bet every now and again because his wife didn't like it then people would think the issue was with her. Same with drinking.

Sexting isn't comparable because most people consider sexting to be cheating, and the vast majority of people have an issue with cheating.

Porn is very different. People are either on one side of the fence or the other. If he was hiding gambling, drinking or sexting then he's going to have a problem in 99% of relationships, but if he's a porn user (not addict) it probably will only cause an issue in less than half of relationships!
He could go on to another relationship, not change a thing about himself, and be in a happy, healthy relationship, and not need to hide this.

I don't think there is any proof that he has a porn addiction, simply that he watches porn, which is not in any way the same.

They are not completely different issues on a different scale.

If you know anything about addiction - and I don't think you can with what you've written - you'll know they're all the same.

It's not the substance or practise that does the most damage, it's the behaviour that goes along with active addiction. It is that that decimates relationships of all kinds.

I think you have a bee in your bonnet about porn, user. This is not primarily about porn but about addiction.

There was a thread on here recently where a woman was going mad because her husband or partner was secretly vaping even though he promised he wouldn't, everyone thought she was nuts! So no, not all addictions are the same. I'm not saying the OP is nuts, just that not all addictions are the same.

I understand that if something like porn causes issues in a relationship that it may be due to a porn addiction, it also may be due to the person just liking porn, and occasionally wanting to use it.

It can't be called an addiction, simply because it causes problems in the relationship, because he could go on to meet a new partner who has no issue with porn and then suddenly is his addiction cured?

And yes I do know a lot about addiction, as my ex who kept me trapped in the relationship due to suicide threats was a problem drinker.

Sorry, I should have elaborated on the first part, not all addictions are the same as in on the same scale or. The vaper may certainly have been addicted to his e-cigarette, but his partners response to it was disproportionate and controlling.

'Porn addiction'/sex addiction is a disputed concept. It is not accepted by the official American or European psychiatric systems.

Obviously the scenario @SeaSidePebbles describes is not healthy. The average bloke or woman who sometimes watches porn, though, isn't like that.

I think it's those that are making a thing about it that have a bee in their bonnet about porn.

What OP describes in the past 'he had grown cold, wanted sex less and so on. I discovered this was down to a porn habit' is clearly not good, if his behaviour was genuinely down to his porn habit.

But if his behaviour has been normal recently and he's been watching porn, that means it's effecting his life at the level of a guy who watches porn- i.e. most guys.

Poor you. My wrecked marriage was largely wrecked because of porn. I didn’t know for a long time but feeling unwanted and unattractive really left it’s scars.
You don’t have to stay if you don’t want. It doesn’t bother some people and tbh it never bothered me until I was rejected in favour of it for years and years.
I have a lot more knowledge now about the industry and about how it can affect the brain.
I’m not completely anti porn but it really really hurt me and my self esteem.
You’re plenty young to find someone else and have kids.

Good post outtherealone.

'He went on adultwork, and i know he just looked because i looked through his history, but who's to say he wouldn't go through with it in the future? '

That is pretty bad to be fair/I would see that as a partner wanting to do more than watch potentially.

But it looks like your delving quite heavily into his online history (and on his work laptop?) I would find that a bit invasive if someone did that to me. But he does sound a bit dodgy.

Either way, I hope you find a way to be happy.xxx

@jazzyjelly I was married to liar. He lied about his porn habits and anything else that he could get away with. Wanting to be with his single friends He'd tell me he was working late. He stole money from our children's piggy banks, he stole from my purse, he ate things like crisps or the children's treats and lied about it. It was exhausting. He wasn't a bad person but his needs took priority over either me or our 3dc.
I divorced him when he expected to be prioritised over our seriously ill dd. Please think hard about having children in a relationship that is without trust

@Bluerussian thank you