I have to leave him for my own dignity, don't i?

[JazzyJelly]

First of all, I'm a bloody idiot. DH and i have been together 13 years, married 7. No kids, although I was hoping we would start trying soon.

When we were 3 years into our relationship he had grown cold, wanted sex less and so on. I discovered this was down to a porn habit, looking specifically at something i consider really revolting (nothing illegal, but nothing like me, and made me question whether he was ever attracted to me in the first place). We had many fights, he lied to me again and again, we broke up and I think he was quite upset - he lost a lot of weight, and I had started some unhealthy behaviour too.

After a few months of him swearing blind he had given it up, would never look at this stuff again, wouldn't hurt me again, we gave it another go. I ask him regularly if he's keeping off it, he always says yes, swears faithfully.

Guess what I found on his work laptop?

I'm such an idiot. We've got a house together, I'm early 30s and was planning kids soon. He's lied to me, probably throughout our relationship.

But I don't want to be single and miss my chance to have kids. I love him. Selling the house would be horrendous. We have a nice life in a lot of ways. I'm such a coward.

My question is, should I leave him for the sake of my own dignity? My head is spinning right now. He's lovely in so many ways, but i feel that due to the lying, I can't trust him. The person I thought had my back through everything has been lying to me for years. The bottom has dropped out of my world.

I venture to say you know about the effects of addiction but not the mechanics of it, user. I'm sorry you went through that hell though.

He risks porn on his work computer? He's an addict.

Or I should say, he risks using on his work computer.

It is hard, because you know you have to break up with him now. Do you believe that you are better off on your own than in a bad relationship?

People buy and sell houses all the time, dont kick yourself too much about buying a house, you had doubts at the time but no evidence, so you dealt with the information you had at that time and bought the house. Now you have all the information. You can sell up and move on.

You know you wont be having children with this man.

'Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain't goin' away' Elvis Presley.

You know it's over. That's the truth.

It's not easy to leave, but if you stay, then your whole life will be filled with doubt, and no children. Good luck.

How are you holding up, OP?

Assuming hes been looking at transwomen on adultwork based on OPs comments about gay men would be better etc.

Run like the wind op. He wont stop it and he doesnt need to inbox them they list numbers and contacts freely.

I'm flipping wildly between being desperately sad and wanting to see if counselling would give us a chance, and feeling numb and thinking there's no fixing it. I'm not sure how it will be tomorrow when i go home.

I didn't know that about adult work, thank you for letting me know. I'm sure i sound like an utter mug but i believe him when he says he's not touched anyone else. I'm not sure why, he's shown he's a consistent liar. Possibly my mind is refusing to believe it to protect myself.

Thanks bluerussian for agreeing with me! I feel we are drowned out by people shouting about “kinks” etc. These people were seen as perverts in the past, maybe sad perverts, but creepy types nonetheless. Now they seem to be normalised as cutting edge sexually, in some ridiculous way. My concern is that they are trying to drag happy loving sexual young women into their weird porn world eg. BDSM and even worse this is being touted as hip and feminist and, like, really cool. They’re just sad perverts at the end of the day. Keep away from him OP is my advice.

Hope you are managing ok OP.

I really hope you make the decision that's right for you. Addiction is the most dreadful thing to live with. Sadly, lies and deceit are integral to that. So nothing will change until the addiction is beaten.

for you

I've not reached a final decision yet, but I'm coming to realise i can't do this for him, and he can't get better while I'm enabling him. I'm wondering if we could take a long break, months at least, and see if he can work on himself for himself. That feels easier than just splitting for forever now. Either he gets help and sorts his own issues, which are probably connected to his low self esteem, and we might be able to try again, or i fall out of love with him during the time and we both move on.

Thank you for checking in with me, i really do appreciate how lovely you've been SirChing.

The only thing your husband appears to have done wrong is lie that he’s going to stop looking at porn because it offends you op. It doesn’t offend him and he doesn’t need to justify to you or anyone his wish to watch it. Just as you don’t have to explain to anyone that it offends you. either you reconcile between you that he’s gonna watch porn in private or you go your separate ways, no?

Minionmomma, would you be happy with your husband lying repeatedly to your face?

Nope.

Can I ask, why you were looking through your husbands work computer?

That sounds like a potentially good idea @JazzyJelly.

Have you thought of maybe phoning one of the addiction helplines and getting their take on the situation. Or seeing an addiction counsellor yourself, to help you process your DH's behaviour? That could also help you to make a decision.

Ultimately, though, your DH can work on himself until the cows come home, but he will always be an addict. And whilst he has access to computers, he is likely to relapse and use again. Could you bear to live your life checking his internet history etc, waiting for it to happen again.

After the second time it happened to me, I just couldn't do it again. I knew deep down he would never stop, and he didn't. The stress of waiting for the axe to fall badly affected my own mental health.

Looking back now, not leaving immediately, after I found out the second time, was a mistake for me. It made clear to my ex that I wouldn't leave him over it and there would be no repercussions.

Sex dwindled to once every six months, and then we had gone for a year without at the end. When we did have sex, he couldn't ejaculate without the stimulation of porn. It made me feel rejected, unwanted and terrible about myself.

By that time, I had had our DD and my body bore the scars of that. His refusal to admit to using porn made me feel like it must be me that turned him off. I was so hurt when I found out he was still using it, but in secret, and that was the cause.

It utterly killed my self esteem. That's when I had had enough. It was leave or I knew the stress of the lies would drive me to suicide. It made me so unwell.

I remember how it felt. It isn't me being lovely to want to spare you similar pain. It's just me never wanting anyone else to go through what I went through.

Your proposal seems like a good idea on the surface. But it's one foot in and one foot out of the door. It stops you having to make a decision.

Can I ask you, if a friend proposed what you suggested, knowing her husband was a liar and addict, what would you say to her? Would you tell her that of course he will agree to work on himself, as he tells lies, but would use the time apart to watch more and more porn without needing to hide it, thereby compounding his addiction? Would you encourage her to believe him? Or would you think that any marriage where the issues are so big, that the couple need to split for a while, is pretty much fucked.

I don't think you are fully taking on board that he can and will tell you anything you want to hear. He will lie repeatedly. He is an addict. All that truly matters to him is porn. He may love you as much as he can, but he will love using porn more. He has shown you that.

How much are you willing to take? When any relationship has issues, you have to take love out of it. Loving someone doesn't make them right for you or good for you. Aside from the love, what makes you think staying together is a good idea, given the way he has treated you? I am genuinely baffled.

Why are people banging on about addiction? The guy hides that he watches porn because he’s been told he’s not allowed to. Addiction... really...??

Minionmomma - yes. Really. Porn addiction is very real, very corrosive and ruins relationships. The only question is will the lies and deception cause the partner to leave earlier, or later in the marriage. But it does not get better without the addict reaching their own rock bottom. And that isn't something like the OP leaving him. You can bet your life if she left him for a few months, he would SAY he will sort it out, get help etc. But what he would be thinking is "yay, I can watch it even more if she isn't here". Such is the nature of an addict.

Unless you have worked and/or lived with addicts, then you maybe don't realise the difference between a man knocking one out to porn occasionally, and being addicted to it.

This man has even been watching it on his works computer, such is his desperation to access it. Despite the potential repercussions for his job.

Taking risks to allow compulsive usage of something that you KNOW would ruin your life if you were caught = addict. Replace porn with alcohol and drinking at work. Hopefully that makes the addiction someone clearer.

Porn is this man's drug. And he, like all addicts, won't stop because his partner wants him to. He will only stop when he wants to. For himself.

He hides watching porn because he promised not to but could not keep that promise, quite possibly because he is addicted.

I do work in addiction. And if you do too then you’ll know there’s no clinical diagnosis for ‘porn addiction’.

Let’s just reframe this for a different perspective - Husband likes porn. Wife doesn’t like porn and tells husband he’s not to watch it. Husband agrees that he won’t. He lies. He watches porn but doesn’t tell wife. Wife goes onto husbands work laptop and discovers he’s been watching porn. The upshot is that husband lied about watching porn.

And let’s just say he does stop watching open. When he decides to masturbate and he plays those same porn images over in his mind, who’s gonna stop him?

Seriously it’s a simple as this - he’s not going to stop. Evidently. Either that is reconciled somehow by OP or it’s game over.

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through @SirChing. It sounds horrendous, and i can completely understand the horror of not trusting your husband, checking his electronics, feeling unattractive. I agree he'd probably never stop, but i can't help but hope at the moment (I'm aware that's utterly stupid, and i would tell a friend in my position the same as you're telling me). I must be frustrating you terribly.
It has been affecting my mental health, the lies particularly.

I know he'll always be an addict, i said as much when i found it. He said he would but he didn't need to be a user. But again, as you say he's a liar, so I can't trust anything he says.

I will look for someone to talk to professionally, an addiction counsellor is a really good idea, thank you.

Aside from the love, he's a huge part of my life. We've been together our whole adult lives. I don't want to be thrown back into the dating pool (I'm such a coward). I read all these threads on Mumsnet about partners shouting, name calling, cheating, not pulling their weight around the house, having to walk on eggshells around them, the insane things that seem to be the norm now sexually and so on. He's nothing like that. He's nice (apart from the lies and porn addiction of course, and i realise as i write this how ridiculous that sounds).

We had a nice life. He would have made a lovely dad. I'm not ready mentally to give that up yet.

JazzyJelly,

You have a lot to think about, and I admit Adultworks is troubling.

BUT, I think your instincts were better in the beginning of the post. When you were rightfully questioning what you want to do. Too many people have been giving such strong opinions and it's swaying your thinking.

Advice and sympathy are one thing. I think that's what you came here for. And I think you got some very good advice from some posters. But all this vehemence from others is quite another thing. Telling you that you're overreacting or going on about what kind of porn or the self-harming is simply pushing you further into the negative, and then there are those who won't let up until they've convinced you to end your marriage. They may feel divorcing was the best thing in their situations, but it doesn't mean it's what's right for you.

No one else should be making life decisions for you. You have legitimate concerns but also legitimate reasons to take the time to make choices that work for you.

We all have opinions, but it seems like seeing someone who can help you organize your thoughts would be your best option. Someone trained to objectively guide and assist you; who has experience with lots of people, both individuals and couples. What you're feeling now may not be how you feel later, or it may become more so. The only way to know is to stop letting both sides convince you to let him stay or make him leave. Get help from someone with no monkeys in this circus and who will let your thoughts and feelings lead you to decide what works for you.

I also don't believe you can or should make a permanent decision in the next few days. Co-existing peacefully in the same house might work for you as you're away for work so often. One suggestion from some therapists is to discuss marriage-related issues in joint counseling but to avoid discussing when you're alone together. Make home a neutral place in between visits. Then take it up again at your next session. My counselor sees me individually and then sometimes brings in my husband. He has his own counselor, and I go in with him occasionally. It works for us. We each are dealing with past trauma and emotional struggles, and deciding what the future might look like. Whether that's together or apart, we are both becoming stronger people.

He needs guidance as much (or more) than you. Maybe at Relate you can establish some ground rules for getting through this time. Then individual sessions to build up self-esteem and to learn better coping skills. Joint sessions periodically as well, once you're feeling less overwhelmed. Sex Addicts Anonymous group meetings might be helpful for him in practical advice of how to control his behavior, but he really should see someone to understand why he's doing this, and to accept the effect it's had on both of you.

Please, please take time to think and to breathe. Get counseling, if for nothing else than to assure yourself that you're making the right choices for your future. Either way you decide, I sincerely hope you find peace of mind and a happy life. I hope you have those children you're wanting. And I hope you both come out of this stronger, together or apart.

A break sounds like a good idea. If he agrees to it perhaps you could agree on some "parameters" eg break for 3 months (for example) then meet up to discuss and decide what next, decide how much contact you'll have during that time (none at all? limited amount) and crucially whether or not you will date other people (to avoid any WE WERE ON A BREAK scenarios!)

Whatever you do, individual counselling will help you to clarify your thoughts and feel ok about what's happening.

Op, you aren't being frustrating. This is your marriage and you don't have do anything you don't want to.

I just really hope that it all works for you xxxxx